There's a point you reach when you're eating. Something inside you snaps. Then the voices start. "You've eaten too much. You're going to get fat. Get rid of it!" The food inside you hurts, it feels alien, it doesn't belong in your body. So you get rid of it. Every time I threw up was the last time. The whole act filled me with such shame and contempt for myself. I have no control over myself. Blood would rush to my head, I couldn't stop crying, sometimes the stomach acids would go up my nose and burn. I knew what I was doing to myself, I just didn't care. Then, one day I did. I couldn't keep living like this...
 
 

• First of all, from this moment on, you are not bulimic. You are a recovering bulimic. If you mention it to other people, or think about it yourself, never forget that word: recovering.

• Secondly, tell someone. Tell an understanding friend, family member, guidance counselor, a teacher. People are more than willing to understand and help if you give them the chance.

• Seek professional help. A professional will help you undestand why this behaviour occurs and help you to love yourself more. Also, it's important that you get your blood tested. This will determine if your electrolytes are alright, of if you have aenemia (severe iron deficiency).

• Keep a food diary. In it, record what you eat: how much of each item, how you feel emotionally when you're eating, how hungry you are, and record whether or not you purge. This will help you eat when you are hungry and happy and see if certain moods or times of day lead to purging behaviour. Finding out your triggers is very important.

• Think of things to do when you feel the urge to eat and compensate. Maybe yoga or meditation for relaxation, or a book you can get caught up in, have a friend you can talk to or play a board game with, go for a walk, draw... the possibilities are endless. My boyfriend told me that I had to tell him if I ever relapsed. That was a big deterrent, because I never wanted to have to tell him that.

• Try to eat with people. But, definately not dieters or other people with eating disorders. Engage in conversation and enjoy talking and spending time with people while eating. This will also help you determine how much to eat, by seeing how other people eat. Don't count calories and fat grams.

• Make a list of what you're going to eat for each meal ahead of time. This will help you to avoid any surprises and have more control over food. Discover what Normal Eating is.

• Check out my wonderful page of Books and Links. It's so incredeble that so many people out there feel just like I feel, and do the same things I do. It made me feel less alone.

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