After awhile of being bulimic, I didn't really see it as being a problem. I knew it wasn't too good for me, but I didn't really care. Part of me wanted to die anyway. Sure it made me lie and hate myself, but that just affirmed the hatred I felt for myself. I didn't care if I couldn't sleep, or that I was weak and dehydrated. Why should I?
Then I fell in love.
Silly, I know. I didn't even see it coming. I just woke up one day and realized how madly in love I was (am) with my boyfriend. How wonderful he is and how I'd like to be with him forever. In this image in my head of the two of us living happily ever after, I also imagined myself getting up from the table after dinner and saying "Excuse me, honey, I gotta go puke now."
Quite the lovely image.
I started thinking about how I didn't want to hurt myself anymore, because I wanted to be with him.
Then I realized I had to tell him. Because I couldn't just recover from it myself. I'd tried before and always failed.
One night, I started crying, thinking about everything. He asked me what was wrong, and I told him I needed to get help. After 20 patient minutes of him inquiring why I needed help, I practically yelled "I make myself throw up!" After which I promptly balled myself up under the covers on the bed, sobbing.
He didn't run. He didn't tell me I was crazy, or get mad, or break up with me. He just held me. I tried to leave the room a few times, but he made me stay and talk.
He made sure I got the number I needed to call to get some help and was more supportive than anyone else in my life. As scared as I was, I was also so relieved. All the hiding and lying was gone.
Most importantly, he made me make him a promise. That if I ever relapsed, I would have to tell him. Sometimes it was so difficult. I'd just feel like I had to. I couldn't though, because if I did, I knew I had to tell him. Terrific motivation.
To return to the title
of this page, "why recover?", why wouldn't you want to? Why live in hell?
Why lose your friends, your health, your life? Why lie? Why keep up the
pain? Why have it any less than what you deserve?
