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I remember distinctly a staff meeting I attended in the 1980's at a hospital where I worked. The personnel director gathered our department in a staff room and asked us to stand in a large circle. She whispered something to the man next to her, and asked him to whisper it to the woman on the other side of him, and for us to keep doing that until what she whispered to the man had been re-whispered one-by-one to each of us in the circle. After what the personnel director whispered to the man next to her had been repeated around the circle, she asked the last person to hear the statement to say it to the group. She did, and everyone appeared surprised! What was said was nothing like what most of us had heard. It had started out as a simple sentence: "The sun and the moon are both in the sky at the same time." By the time it went around the circle, and reached the last person, it had become: "My son was learning how to fly at game time." A little bit like the original? Not really. In the 12-step recovery programs, just like in everyday life, gossip rears its ugly head. It's part of human nature, and common to the group dynamic. How we deal with it is another story. As we evolve in recovery, hopefully each of us begins to learn how to deal with the inevitable gossip that we will hear, or participate in, or be the topic of. There is no comfortable role to be in when gossip is involved. None. Remaining principle focused in recovery can be helpful in pointing out gossip when it comes up. For example, say you are in a phone conversation with a newcomer who has called you to ask you personal questions about others in your fellowship. This is a surefire way that you could get caught up in the tangled web of gossip. Nip this one in the bud and let the newcomer know you cannot talk to him/her about others in the fellowship when they're not present. It's really as simple as that. Another approach that can work well is to not say anything behind a person's back that you wouldn't also say to their face. Accompany this approach with a disclaimer of sorts; something like--this is something I will also say to ______ the very next time I see him/her. This approach is not particularly recommended. When accused of gossip, apologize. This is particularly difficult when you're accused of saying something that you did not ever say, but in the 12-step programs it is necessary to take responsibility for your actions and sometimes that means eating a little crow, even if the crow is not yours. Don't try to make sense of this in the context of the real world (whatever that is, these days!) as there is no way to do so. In the end, it all comes back to the event I related to you at the beginning of this article. A statement that begins very simply clearly becomes more garbled each time it filters through another person. The best place to stop the chain of gossip is with yourself. The best way to do that is not to speak of a person or people who are not present. Many make the excuse that what they've said is absolutely true, or that they have to be able to talk about people in order to vent, or that their original intention was good. But ultimately none of that matters. Gossip is gossip is gossip is gossip. All that each of us can really change is our part in things. It takes awhile to really assimilate the essence of that integral concept of recovery. Just for today, I will not speak of anyone who is not present to hear my words.
