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Good News! It's January 2006, and a new recovery story has been submitted and is published here exactly as it was received from Jennifer. I have omitted her last name to protect her anonymity. She placed part of her story in our Forum, if you want to find contact information for her. Without further ado, here is her story:
This story of my life fighting drug addiction it is over 5,700 words long and I have put a lot of time and effort into writing it.
My Demon Drug of Choice
By: Jennifer W.
Mabank, TX
Hi, you will probably wonder why I am telling you my story. I have always said since I decided to stop using speed that I would tell my story to a million people if that is what it would take to keep one person from ever touching or using any hard drug, especially speed. It has destroyed me! It cost me my marriage to my first love, a good relationship with my children, up to this point and I also lost the trust of family and friends. It almost cost me the life of my younger daughter.
I have been using crystal meth (SPEED) since February 1999. To some that might not be along time, but to me it is. I do not remember exactly when I started shooting (also known as bumping, Slamming and main streaming) it but I am pretty sure it was only a few months after I did meth for my first time. I remember thinking cool, a drug that only stays in your system for a few days. I can stay up for hours and lose weight without even trying much.” I lost a lot of weight, but as soon as I stopped I gain almost 50 pounds in two months. Up until now I had only smoked weed, smoked cigarettes and drank alcohol once in awhile, nothing a whole lot, just every now and then. I had only been smoking weed for a few months. I do know that in the following years it was awful and things only got worse and never better till I decided to stay clean and get off of the drugs completely, then they did get better. While I was using I was always paranoid that someone was watching me or trying to hurt me. Thinking I saw something that was never really there in the first place. I just swore something was lurking in the shadows. Now I know why they call meth users skitzers, because, we (meth addicts) act like people with schizophrenia. You can take a really nice person and put them on speed and they will completely turn into a monster. I know I have seen it happen to a few people I know.
I got with my husband (now ex-husband) Jr. in November of 1998. We had known each other since we were nine. He was my first love and my first everything. I remember thinking in high school I would never do drugs, because they are bad for you and they will hurt you, and was told they might even kill me. In elementary school I remember Isaiah Robertson coming to my school in Mabank, Texas and talking to me about drugs and his life before drugs, during drugs and after drugs. I decided then that I would not touch them because I did not want to end up like that. I remember what other members of my family went through and are still going through with my Uncle Eddy and his drug addictions. He would steal anything from anyone to get money for drugs. He did not even care who you were, or what of yours he took from you. He even stole my piggy bank once to get drugs. He stole painkillers from his own mother (my Grandmother) before she passed away. She had MS (Multiple Sclerosis) and he stole her Morphine. I remember all the bad things my family would say and still say about him and the things he would do to support his addiction. Now, I wonder if they ever said or thought those things about ME!
I remember thinking "I never want to do drugs." Well, I did and I liked them A LOT. I wanted more and I did not care how I got them. All I know is, I wanted meth and I would do just about anything to get it. From there it all went down hill. When Jr. and I first got together we lived with his mom. I was pregnant when we got together, but I lost that baby on December 5, 1998 due to complications. I still had never done a drug at this point. Not even smoked weed. Then we moved in with my parents. After the first of the year we started doing hard drugs only when my husband and I would have the extra money to do it. He was working, I was not. So you know just how often we had the extra money to do drugs. We did cocaine and speed. And we still smoked weed. First we started snorting the hard drugs. I remember snorting my first line with a one hundred-dollar bill. Then, we smoked them off foil, out of a light bulb or even out of a glass pipe. Then Income Tax return time came and we bought a lot of drugs. This is around the time I shot up for my first time and when I shot up my first time, I remember the feeling of it like it was yesterday! Oh, the rush of it! The way it made me feel. OH BOY that is a feeling no one can EVER forget! That sound of the "Train". Anyone who has shot Meth or Coke knows what I talking about. The feeling you get and it warms your body from head to toe. It is hard to explain. That taste in the back of the mouth. How you can feel it go though your body. We would even mix the two sometimes when we would shoot them. I believe that is called a speedball.
We got our first place together in February 1999. We had someone we knew to move in with us to help with the bills. That is also when we had our first run-in with the police in March of 1999. We kicked out the roommate because she wasn't helping with the bills or anything else. All she wanted to do was party and have fun and sleep in between all this. She got mad because we kicked her out and she called the cops and told them we were getting six pounds of speed delivered to our house that night. Anyone that knows anything about drugs knows that is a lot of drugs in one place at one time. The police showed up and we allowed them to search our house. They found a light bulb, roach clips and some prescription Pondimin pills (also known as Fen phen) that were my mother’s. At this time Pondimin had been taken off of the market because researchers found out that it could cause major heath problems. From my research about Pondimin it was basically a prescription pill form of meth. The pills got mixed up in my stuff when we moved out of my parents’ house and into the house of our own. But, since the pills were my mother’s pills and they were in my house I got charged with possession of a controlled substance. We lost our place to live and moved in with his mother. I now get to deal with that arrest for the rest of my life. It will always be on my arrest record and my criminal record unless I have it esponged off of my records.
I found out on April 16, 1999, my 19th birthday, that I was pregnant with our first child. The hard drugs stopped for me right then and there. I only smoked weed once in awhile during my pregnancy, but now I know that was just as bad as anything else was. In September 1999 I was put on probation for those pills. Imagine the looks I got walking into court six months pregnant for possession of a controlled substance charge. I had my little girl on December 5, 1999, exactly one year after I had my miscarriage. I could not wait to do a "Bump." I remember that. After that next bump is when I wanted it real bad. All the time and as much as I could get. We moved out of my husband's family place in February 2000 and got a trailer of our own in a town not too far away. The town we moved to is Athens, TX. I thought we were actually going to get somewhere in life this time. That was until we met our first famous "Dope Cook" and my husband became the runner for him. We took him every where he needed to go and in return we got “free dope”--what a great deal we had going on or at least that is what we thought! We actually got married in March of 2000. For a wedding present our “dope cook” gave us two 8 balls of speed. Boy did we ever have fun that night! We lost our place to live in early May of 2000 because we used all the drugs he gave us instead of selling some to pay bills. We had to move in with my mom and step-dad again. We kept on doing the “running” for the cook for a few more months.
On June 6th of 2000 I found out that I was pregnant again with our second child. I do remember I thought, "Oh, boy-- what are we going to do now?" We kept running him around for dope for my husband and money or what ever I needed for me since I was pregnant. I did not do any hard drugs for three months. Then my husband went to jail for the next six months. He was pulled over for no front license plate and was arrested because he had a warrant for his arrest and he went to jail Labor Day weekend in September of 2000. I cheated on my husband soon after he got locked up because the guy had some meth and I wanted some too. I started shooting up again while I was pregnant and he was locked away. I was shooting up with the guy I was cheating on my husband with. I only cheated on him with one guy our whole marriage. I still do not know to this day what possessed me to shoot speed while I was pregnant. I guess it was my addiction. But the past is the past and I can not change it. I just have to live with it and move on. In fact, the night I went in to labor I had shot some speed and I think that is what made me go into labor. She was born six weeks early on December 12th, 2000. She only weighed 4 lbs. (.25) oz. I had meth in my system of course, but when they did the drug test on the baby and her placenta they found no traces of any drugs. What a miracle! She only had to spend two weeks in the hospital. And there was nothing wrong with her. They kept her because she could not keep her body weight. In the hospital CPS came in and gave her to my mom. I got her back in January 2001. I did not even stop after all that. I still kept using.
Jr. got out of jail in March of 2001. And immediately we went back to doing speed together. CPS called me again in April 2001 because I was going to go to jail for violating my probation and they needed to place my children with someone (My Parents) other than my husband because he had been using too. CPS knew that we had been using together during those months. He got popped his first drug test a few days after I had to turn myself into jail. And he had to leave the house because he failed it and then lied about taking the drugs. While I was in jail I think I received two letters during the whole time I was in there. I sent letters to everyone I could think of and no response. I was heart broken. I did not even get a letter from my mom. NO one came to visit me. CPS would not allow my mom or step-dad to write me or come see me and no one could bring the girls to come visit me while I was locked up. I really felt forgotten, like I fell off the earth and no one cared that I was gone. I turned myself into Henderson County Jail and they transferred me to Upshur County Jail because that is one of the other jails that held prisoners for Henderson County Jail. I got out in June of 2001 and I did not get my kids back until July or August of 2001. When I got out I had to go get MY HUSBAND from another woman’s house that he was sleeping with and doing drugs with while I was locked up. Come to find out he cheated on me a lot while we were married. That was where I should have left him! But I didn’t. Hindsight is 20/20 though. We moved into his mom’s house together, without our kids. Another mistake I made. I should have stayed with my children at my parent’s house. I have no clue what I was thinking. I told him on Father’s Day in June of 2001 that I had cheated on him. Boy the fighting was on from there. We would split up and get back together again. This was off and on until we got our divorce.
We got our kids back and kept on using METH. We moved out of his mom’s house and into my parent’s house in October of 2001. My ex-husband, Jr., got a job working not too far from the house. There is where he ran in to someone we both knew in high school. We found out that he smoked weed and speed also. After that we started hanging out with him and his wife. Gerry’s wife, Lauren and I became best of friends. Lauren knew Gerry smoked weed, but she did not know he smoked speed. After awhile she was starting to suspect he was doing more than just weed. Gerry asked me to tell his wife he was doing speed and asked me to try to salvage his marriage. One weekend we went over there. Jr. and Gerry left to go find some dope and I told Lauren what Gerry was doing. She was very upset. This next part is where I went wrong, so very wrong! I told her she should try it (meth). After many hours of talking about it, she did. She smoked out of a light bulb and off tin foil. She liked it! Now, I realized she was instantly hooked. We all hung out and partied. Then Gerry started shooting speed behind Lauren’s back. Lauren was still only smoking at this point.
I entered College for the spring semester of 2002 trying to straighten my life out. Well that did not happen. We split up again in March of 2002. The day we split up this time he pushed me down and knocked my head on a tree, which caused me to get 3 staples in the back of my head. We split up because he thought I was cheating on him again, which I wasn’t. That is what started the whole fight. Someone told him they thought I might be cheating on him and his high on meth mind told him I was. This happened the day before our second wedding anniversary, March 25, 2002. Then he moved into his sister’s and I stayed at my parents for a couple of days. We decided to try to work things out and I moved in with him over at his sister’s. He had starting hanging out with another dope cook. Well he came over and wanted us to take him to another dope cooks house in Trinidad. We took him over there. And while we were there me and my husband fell asleep on his couch and I left the keys on a coffee table and while we were sleeping the first dope cook stole my car, which had my purse and my husband’s cell phone in it. When we got the car back my purse was in it but my driver’s license was missing out of it. Because of all this and the fact I lost my car I had to drop out of college for the first time.
My grandmother that had MS died in May of 2002. I went to go see her shortly before she died. When my mom came over to Jr’s sister’s house to tell me to pack my stuff, that we were leaving that night to drive to Las Vegas to see my Grandmother before she died, I had just done a bump like an hour before she got there. My kids and I went to Las Vegas and Jr stayed in Texas. I came back a week later and she died a week after that. When I found out that my grandmother had died my husband was out on a dope cook. I left messages everywhere I could think of to tell him to get home because I needed him. It took him another four hours to get home after he got the message. And boy was he really mad at me for leaving messages everywhere and with everyone looking for him to tell him to come home. He said it was not his problem that my grandmother died. I still to this day think he was out doing something other than cooking dope. He had not changed clothes and he did not have that dope cook smell to him. I still say he smelled like another woman’s perfume.
I tried to kill myself in June of 2002 and CPS stepped back in my life AGAIN and took the girls away again. I spent three days in ICU. I had taken enough ambien to kill 5 grown men. And on top of that I had taken a dozen Tylenol PM. When I got home from the hospital my husband and I continued to use drugs. In July 2002 we all got kicked out of his sister's place because it was being foreclosed on. We moved in with another “dope cook” we knew. We lost contact with Gerry and Lauren at this point. Boy, the things I learned while we lived there! I could never forget. Some of the people I met really SCARED ME! I learned never to look people in the eye that you do not know. We lived there until September 2002. His mom came and rescued us. I thought my prayers had been answered. We moved out of there and in with his mom. We got our girls back shortly after we moved back in with his mom. When we got there he also wanted to go out and “hustle” to get drugs. He wanted to “hustle” drugs to make money to get diapers for the girls rather than borrowing some money from my mom to get them. This is the last time I really remember dealing with CPS at all.
I left my husband on 15th of September-two days before his birthday. I left him because of a letter I got in the mail from CPS. When one of our friends that just happened to be a major dope cook around here found out that I was quitting and that I had left Jr., he told everyone not to sell to me and not to even give me any. While we were separated, Jr. ran into Gerry and Lauren again. He and Gerry talked Lauren into trying the needle. I know this because she called me and told me all about it. And then she wanted me to come over and visit. I told her “no I couldn’t, because I had decided that it wasn’t a good idea to go over there. This is around the same time I relapsed in November of 2002 and I only did it one time, but that is all it takes. I went over to this person’s house to find out what had happen to a friend of mine that was in the hospital and he told me that he had died. He offered me a bump and I took it. I went home and thought about what I had just done. And kicked myself in the butt for it when I came down! But I had done it and I could not take it back. I did really well for awhile.
I stayed clean from October 2002 to July 2003. During this time I actually completed a semester of college. I found out that my husband (soon to be ex-husband) was in Henderson County Jail and was possibly looking at going prison for a few different charges. I found this out in like June of 2003.
I relapsed in July 2003. It happened at Gerry and Lauren’s house. I just went over there to say hi. I knew better than to go over there. I knew they were still using and I knew they were shooting it too. I think that in the back of my head I wanted to relapse. I went over there thinking I was strong enough to say ”no” if I had to. As it turns out, I wasn’t. Surprise! I went over there and started wanting it. I was even the one that mentioned getting some. We went and found it. I found someone who had some dope AND a brand new point (needle)! Oh boy, did I think I was in heaven! But I wasn’t. My boyfriend (Now ex-boyfriend - Named Joe) at the time found out where I was and he knew I had a real bad past with METH. He knew what I was doing but I denied it for about 8 hours. He would call constantly. He wouldn’t let me get off the phone and when he did he would call back 10 minutes later. I could not handle lying to him anymore. I told him the truth. He hung up the phone on me only after he called me a few more choice names.
About that time is when that “dope cook” friend of mine showed up over there with another “dope cook” that I knew. They found out I was back in the area and found out that I got drugs from someone and wanted to know who gave them to me. When I heard him (The first dope cook) hollered my name I knew I was in trouble. OH BOY was I in trouble. He also had another friend with him. I tried to hide it from them by running down the hallway into my friend’s room but it did not work. They both knew I was there and were hollering for me to come see them. I went back down the hallway and sat next to the one I knew the best. He asked to see my arms and I did not want to show him. I had marked up my arms pretty bad trying to find a vein. But I finally found it only after I made myself look like a pincushion first. I did not want to show them to him because I was ashamed of what they looked like and the fact that I had relapsed again. He made me look at what I done to myself. Then he called my boyfriend and told him to come pick me up because I was too high to drive all the way back home. And he told him not to let me come back to that area for ANY reason and he told him to tell me that when I came down from my high. When my boyfriend came and got me I was scared he was going to yell and scream at me some more. But he just took me home. He did not yell at me or call me any bad names. He just helped me get ready for bed and held me all night.
I found out in June of 2003 that my husband was being charged with three different felonies. One was burglary of a habitation (someone else’s house), another was burglary of a building and the other one was sexual assault of a minor. When we were separated he decided that he wanted a 15 year old girl over me. Well the sexual assault got dropped due to the lack of evidence. The 15 year old refused to testify. That was not a surprise. Jr plea bargained off the Burglary of a habitation charge off and was only charged with Burglary of a building. He was high on Meth when he committed these crimes and was looking for money or something he could sell to get more drugs. My ex husband got his papers saying I was filing for a divorce in July of 2003. He was in Henderson County jail waiting to be transferred to the Texas Department of Criminal Justice prison system. Boy was he ever mad. I tried to go back to college again the fall semester of 2003 and it did not work. I had to drop out because of all the stress.
Well my husband and I got the final divorce in October 2003. He was still in prison at this time. I thought I had closed that chapter of my life for good until I started smoking weed again In April 2004. A good friend at the time came over in June when he found out and told me that I would be back on the needle in less then six months. This good friend is actually an ex-boyfriend of mine that is named Kevin. I stayed clean from meth until August of 2004. I made it a year and thought everything was down hill from here. Boy was I ever wrong! A "dope cook" (my now ex-husband) got out of prison in July of 2004. I thought I could say no to it. But when it is right there in front of your face that is when it is SO hard to say "NO". I smoked it at first. Then I shot it AGAIN. I lied to my boyfriend (Now Ex-boyfriend - named Jon) about it and hid it from him for six weeks. I know I should not have done it. I knew before the needle even left my arm that I should not have done it. I have shot it a few times since then and smoked it a few times also. My new “clean date” is November 13, 2004. Boy was that was a mistake to even TRY it again! I “now” battle those awful cravings to do it again. I donÂ’t crave it as much as I used to. I am scared they will become real bad again. I also watched my boyfriend go from saying he “hated” needles and would never put one or let someone put one in one of veins. Now he prefers shooting METH. It scares me. To see someone flip like that makes me realize just how powerful this drug is.
I’ve already lost one man I loved to this evil drug. Now I am scared I am going to lose two. Which in the end, I did. The place where I live is referred to as "Speeder Creek Lake” in a really small town in Texas about 60 miles South East of Dallas. Back in July, I had a really good friend of mine murdered because of this drug. It was the dope friend of mine that showed up at the house where I was when I relapsed in July of 2003. I have seen this drug do NOTHING but tear “my world” and everyone else's “world” it touches apart. Meth will make your life a living hell. I do not think you can judge this drug unless you have been on it or know someone who has. I am not saying, “Go out and do it.” Please do not do that. Because it only takes once and you could be hooked (addicted). I have done the “picking” and left sores all over my body. Now they are commonly known as Meth bumps or “bugs”. I have had the suicidal thoughts on more than one occasion. I thought people were out to get me. I have made a complete fool of myself on more than one occasion. I never thought I would do this drug again. I guess the saying “once an addict always an addict” is true. What I am saying is learn from other mistakes and NEVER try this drug. And if you do decide to try it remember all it takes is just once.
The biggest step is to ADMIT and ACCEPT you have a problem. From there it is all up to the individual person. METH is my DOC (Drug of Choice). Demon of Choice is what I call it and that is what it is… a choice and a demon all rolled into one. Some people even call meth the Devil’s Drug. No one caused these relapses but me. Trust me; I have tried blaming a few people. I have chosen this drug over everyone, myself, my children, my parents, my lovers & my close friends, all of whom I have hurt in one way or another because of METH. One of the times my boyfriend and I were smoking METH, I was rude to a mutual friend of ours because I was high on METH and did not want her to know it. I was ashamed for people to see me like that. I have tried to hide it from everyone. But I think the only person I am fooling is I! I know I am addict. Now, all I have to do is BE more powerful than the drug. I really have to be strong, not only for myself but also for my kids. I have also learned “never say forever” because that is an uncertain amount of time. I just hope to be able to stay clean and not use anymore. I just take it ONE Day at a Time. And look to God for answers. I am still adding and editing this story of mine. I hope this will help who ever may read it. Just remember to Let Go and Let God. And fake it till you make it.
I lost what I thought was my second love to this drug in October of 2004. He could not admit he has a problem with drugs or alcohol. I had to leave him because his is not healthy for me to be with right now. We no longer talk. I realized that he was just using me for what is between my legs. I am now in a 12-step program (AA/NA/Overcomers). This is helping me a lot. It is a lot of work to stay clean. There are days I just want to give up. But I can't and won't. The more the stress the more I want to use, but I have not and won’t. I am bound and determined to beat this drug. Sometimes I have to live for the next five minutes and sometimes just for the next second or two. There are a few things that I have to remember and that is the one thing I have to change is everything. That means people, places and things and even ideas. I did not destroy my life in one day, a month or even a year. So it is going to take time to put it back together. I am now back at home, AGAIN, with my parents and I have my kids with me. I am NEVER choosing this drug over my kids again. That is the most important part.
Well I am fixing to get married to a man that has helped me through the last part of my drug addiction. His name is Kevin. He has always been there for me to talk to. We have known each other for a couple of years now and well you could say I am marrying my best friend. When I relapsed the last time he told me I would relapse back to speed when he found out I was smoking pot again In June of 2004. I relapsed back to speed in like two months. I am also fixing to go back to college I can not believe they are actually going to let me in. There is a God and Grace.
We are going to be closing on a house on September 23, 2005. I am also fixing to be going back to college in August. I am so excited. Oh my girls are enrolled in elementary school now. My oldest, Justyne is going in to kindergarten. And Jordan is going into pre-kindergarten. They start school in the middle of August. My life is going to be very busy the next couple of months. My shorter version of my story was put on The Partnership for a Drug-Free America web-site in the end of August 2005. I made it to one year clean on Sunday November 13, 2005.
Well I got remarried on Thanksgiving Day of 2005. This was November 24, 2005. I married Kevin. I am very happy. I am back in college and made a 3.3 this semester in college. I have already planned out my classes for next semester.
I am reenrolled for college this semester. I start January 17, 2006. I have a very busy life. I am hoping to have another awesome year of being clean.
I am not just someone you read about. I am a person. I have two little girls. I also have boyfriend that loves me and I love him very much. I have two sets of parents that love me. I also have lots of loving friends and a family that love me too. I did not come from parents that were drug users. I did not live around it when I was a child. When I was a senior in high school I didn’t even know what a joint was, much less crystal meth! That was in March of 1998 and by December 1998 I was smoking weed. And well you just read the rest of the story. It’s all history. I have put a lot of time and effort into this story and the cleaner I get, the more I remember. Not that it is really weird. So as I remember more I will add more to this story of mine.
Thanks again, Jennifer!
Hello, site visitors. Here is another recovery story submitted on May 12, 2002. I have printed it in its original form, unedited. Thanks, Jim!
Dream Weaver
Please allow me to introduce my self. My name is Dream Weaver (Jim W.) I live in the state of Georgia in the U.S. I am a 42-year-old part Native American. My mother is Penobscot. I am a recovering addict with over 12 years clean. I used for 22 years before I found recovery in July 1989. I started out using the same as any one else. I never intended to become an addict. But over the years my addiction grew to the point where I no longer used for fun. I used to survive each day. I used every drug known to man . I even used some things that were not meant for humans or any other living being to take into their bodies. In the end I found myself trying to kill myself almost every day. My family had all stopped trying to help me. My friends (if you could call them that) did not want anything to do with me.
I had become so afraid of society that I would not come out of my apartment unless I was going to go get some more dope. I had stopped doing the things needed to maintain in this world, such as eating, taking a bath, brushing my teeth, shaving, changing my clothes, and other grooming needs. I felt lower than the trash on the street. I lived under a bridge several times. Once while I was living under the Fourteenth St. Bridge in Columbus, GA, the winos asked me to leave because I was just too dirty and smelly, along with too spaced out for them.
Somehow I managed to keep a job most of the time I was using. Although I would only work long enough to get enough money to pay off the dealers I owed money to and to buy some more.
I have never been married. My sister Patsy once told a doctor (while I was in treatment) when asked if I was married and had any children: "Yes, he is married to the drugs and the drugs are his children also." While using I did not take the time to date until I was 26. And even then my uncle paid the woman to go to bed with me.
The drugs took my late childhood, teenage, and early adult life away from me. I have done several fourth step inventories since coming into recovery. I cannot remember much from around 1972 until July 1989 when I got clean. I did not know I had graduated from high school until I tried to get into college in 1990. It was then that the state of Georgia sent me my high school diploma when I asked for my transcripts. I went around for several weeks showing everyone my diploma.
A lot has happened in my life over the past 12 years of being in recovery. Just by learning how to incorporate the spiritual principles of the Twelve Steps of NA into my life, I have a very good job with the state. I also manage to pay my bills on time today. I take good care of myself. I go to work every day unless I am sick. I have friends all over the world. My family loves to have me around today. But most of all I have a God of my understanding that I can turn to every day for guidance. By the way I also LOVE my self today. I am of service to my fellow recovering addict and everyone else that is seeking help of any kind.
If I had a chance to change my past I would not change a thing. It took every thing I chose to put myself through to get where I am today. The only thing missing from my life today is an intimate relationship with a woman. I know when Wakan Tanka feels I am ready, I will have this woman in my life.
I hope this short story of my life will give someone some hope that they to can live a life free from active addiction. I must say we can only do it with the help of God and others like us . And we must live in recovery each and every day for it to work.
If you would like to learn more about Narcotics Anonymous please follow the link below.
A GOOD LIFE
I had a good life for many, many years. During college I met a good man, who I later married. Though I was often surrounded by wild partiers during and directly after my college years, I didn't enjoy the alcohol and marijuana (we called it pot) that was so freely consumed by my friends and acquaintances, so I simply didn't drink or smoke very much, if at all. Sometimes it got rather boring, being amidst many in various altered states and being stone cold sober, but I endured it in order to spend time with my peers.
I was lucky to end up marrying someone who chose not to use drugs. At least at first. He did begin using alcohol and his use increased over the years we were married. He made wine and beer each year for Christmas presents for family and friends, too. Still, I never really liked wine or beer, or any type of alcohol, so I remained abstinent during the years my children were young.
I realize now that I began to do things like hide my husband's alcohol and such, and could have probably used Al Anon or Codependents Anonymous. I remember reading the original 12 Steps in a book called "Leaving the Enchanted Forest" which was about relationship addiction. The 12 Steps really touched my heart when I first read them. I was contemplating leaving my marriage and I was also puzzled by the fact that I seemed to get inordinately attached to any man who paid the least little bit of attention to me, as I was starved for attention during the time my husband had begun to drink more and more and was often rude and unappreciative toward me and never seemed to have time for me in his busy schedule.
I remember when I first read the 12 Steps and wondered how I could find a way to relate them to my life, since I did not drink or use drugs at the time. I pondered joining a relationship addiction group, but there weren't any in my geographical area.
Shortly thereafter, I met a friend who needed a pot-smoking buddy. He showed me the "right way" to smoke pot. I started to really like smoking the pot AND spending time with him. It was scary being so attached to a substance AND to another human being. It was scary because I still very much loved my husband, but I felt I could not live without this pot-smoking man. It was addiction, pure and simple. But I didn't realize it then.
My behaviors during this time alienated my husband to the point that he decided to divorce me and moved in with a woman he worked with. Although we tried marriage counseling, it was too late. Our marriage could not be saved, and I totally blamed myself. It usually takes two to ruin a marriage, but I didn't understand that.
In my bereft state, I turned to marijuana as a way to dull the ache in my heart. It worked pretty well, so I bought lots and lots of it. This was not a good situation, especially for my children, but I was so caught up in my cloud of smoke, I couldn't see what was going on in my life very clearly.
Friends and school officials tried to intervene, but I was sneaky and resistant to their intervention. They weren't quite sure what was wrong, but they knew the kids weren't doing as well as they had been. I suppose they chalked it up to a reaction to the divorce. The Social Service people came to visit my house two different times and found nothing amiss. If only they could have seen behind my facade!
Things went from bad to worse. My pot smoking buddy was long gone, and in his wake, a large group of friends who were much like my college crowd slowly drifted into my life. They liked my big house in the suburbs with a big privacy fence around it. The liked it that my sons went to their dad's farm on the weekends, because that made my house the perfect place to party. And we did.
Cocaine and heroin became the drugs of choice in this crowd during that time. Why go to a Grateful Dead show simply stoned on pot or tripping on LSD, when you could get completely out of it on heroin, just like good ol' Jerry was doing up on stage? So many of the Dead fans were switching to heroin in those days. My friends also liked to freebase cocaine, because using only heroin meant they'd be sleeping most of the time and they liked to go out and socialize after using.
It got crazy pretty fast for me. I couldn't afford the hard drugs. so I began selling them so I could have a little free for my self every now and then. Weekend use quickly became daily use. I was in complete oblivion all week and barely remember how I managed to get my boys off to school and keep the house in order and everything else that goes hand in hand with upper middle class American suburban life!
It wasn't until I started needing more and more drugs just to feel normal that I realized I had a serious problem. I attended my first Narcotics Anonymous meeting around that time. I attended 2 or 3 meetings after that and was given several phone number lists & many people told me I could call them anytime of the day or night. That was impressive. I didn't even know these people and they were giving me their home phone numbers. Instinctively I knew I could probably trust these people more than my drug-using friends, many of whom had started stealing both money and material goods from me in order to support their own habits.
But the need for drugs was still overwhelming, and after attending several meetings and abstaining from use for a week, I began using again even more intensely than I had before. Sometimes when my "friends" and I were sitting in a circle passing around the cocaine to freebase, I would read to them from the Narcotics Anonymous text. That was a crazy thing to do, and most of them reacted angrily. But to me Narcotics Anonymous was as meaningful as a life preserver probably was to the people standing on the deck of the Titanic as it was sinking!
I kept the phone lists from the N.A. members taped on my bedroom wall. Didn't call anyone, but the phone lists remained there as a reminder that there was hope beyond this downward spiral of addiction that I was tumbling into at the time.
Legal intervention stopped me temporarily from using. One would think that the felony charges looming over me would have been enough to get me to quit using once and for all, not to mention the very real threat of losing my children if I couldn't clean up! But I only abstained until shortly after the court date and sentencing, after which I began to go out for a few drinks with a friend who I thought was safe to hang out with, a few times a week. For many months I only had a few drinks each week, but this meant technically I was not clean, as total abstinence from all drugs including alcohol is required in Narcotics Anonymous. So I went to meetings once per week as required by the probation department, but I didn't collect the key tags (some areas have chips & medallions) commemorating clean time.
So the going out for a few drinks at least once a week kept me connected with the partying world, and the one N.A. meeting a week kept me connected to the recovery world. But I drifted between these two dimensions, without committing myself to either.
After many months of existing in this twilight zone of sorts, I met a man who was adventurous to spend time with while at a bar in a neighboring town with my drinking buddy. He had recently gotten out of prison, but I didn't find that out until it was much too late. Within days I was caught up in a whirlwind romance with this man, and....you guessed it...he was an alcoholic AND a cocaine addict. And he didn't work for a living, or live anywhere, so he just kind of moved in to my comfortable suburban home. He could seem quite normal, and in fact charming, and my sons liked him at first.
Before I write a novel here, let me summarize and say that the downward spiral that happened at this point in time was sharp and dizzyingly fast for me. It's all a blur now, though I take full responsibility for my choices.
Two months smoking crack and hanging out with this man in a big city 60 miles from my home took a huge toll on me AND my family. The problem is, I made a choice; my sons didn't! Luckily, their father didn't judge me and took them into his house whenever I let him know I was going to the city. He didn't realize I was deep into a hard drug problem, and never had. I hadn't told him. One would think he might have smelled the smoke back when I was smoking pot all the time. Perhaps his drinking had dulled his senses. Alas! The ones who suffered most amid all of this were my children.
Luckily there were relatives nearby who could also spend time with the boys. I was in no shape to make the arrangements, though, and neither was my ex husband! So the arrangements simply didn't always get taken care of. The boys were 12 and 13 by then and didn't really want supervision that much, but they very much needed it!
You know, I was just thinking....I never did use needles during my using, and that was one reason I would kid myself and think my addiction wasn't too serious. How absurd!
Later, after I put together some clean time, a man I knew overdosed and died while smoking heroin. Then I understood that my way of using drug could kill just as easily as any other.
After two months of intense coke use, the probation department finally caught up with me. I have no idea why it took so long, as I was doing nothing to hide my using. I simply missed appointments and said I was sick, and this went on during the whole two months.
In a way, I was relieved to once again be under the close scrutiny of the courts. I was afraid to use any drugs at all, and deathly afraid of losing my sons. Mostly I was concerned that they'd be no better off with their dad and his new girlfriend than they would be with me. But my ex had no legal issues in his life, and, at least on the surface, his life appeared to be very much more together than mine.
Still in a cloud of addict thinking, I never thought once of where my boys would actually better off, and I never even asked them what their preferences were. They ended up remaining with me by default, as my ex's girlfriend had a young son living with her and did not really want my boys in her home too, vying with her for the attention of their father. Selfishness all around.
I was overjoyed that the boys would be staying with me and went to great lengths to make up for lost time and make up to them for my absences and my behaviors when using at home.
That was nine years ago and I have remained clean (drug and alcohol free!) ever since, one day at a time. I am in a professional program now at a local junior college, working full time in a field I truly enjoy, and my boys are now men who have finished college--one is married with a new baby and the other is happily single and just beginning work on his MBA in a neighboring state.
Amazing!
I have attended Narcotics Anonymous regularly these nine years. I began making coffee for one meeting a week, to stay connected in a more committed way. Soon I was also signed up for something called Area Service, and after a few years also took a commitment for Regional Service. I got a sponsor right away and have made it a habit to attend meetings regularly and hang out with addicts in recovery, or with people who don't use drugs or alcohol. It has worked wonderfully.
I can't begin to say how grateful I am for N.A. I really don't know what I would have done without it. I long ago sold my suburban home and got a nice condo on the shore of a gorgeous lake. I love to get up in the morning and watch birds circling over the lake, calling to one another as they fly from tree to tree. I remember how I used to hate sunrises, when I was in active addiction, how I used to cover my ears so I couldn't her the birds' songs and cover my windows and skylights so the sun's morning rays couldn't permeate my inner sanctum.
I am alive today to enjoy my life because of Narcotics Anonymous. It's important to mention the 12 Steps. I have worked them, faithfully, with the guidance of a sponsor, in the order they were written. The process of working the steps is the most freeing experience I've ever had!
There's nothing else quite like it!
I will end this story now, by simply saying that if you're reading this now and think you might have a drug problem, please consider this: go to any of the search engines....yahoo.com is a good one....and type 2 words...narcotics anonymous....into the search window. We believe firmly in "attraction rather than promotion" so I won't try to coax you any further. You might also try looking inside your local phone book; you just might find a meeting you can attend in your area!
It worked for me, and I truly thought I was hopeless. It could work for you.
Thanks for listening.
Amelia P.
http://www.na.orgThanks to Jennifer W., Jim W., and Amelia P. for submitting their recovery stories! Do you have a recovery story to share? Pay a visit to our "contact" page in the index below! We have lots and lots of room for all of your stories!
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