Title: Between The Spaces Of Your Breath
Author: Alexandria (sharidenise@hotmail.com)
Pairing: Alan/Billy
Summary: Memory aches
Feedback: How on earth will I know if you want more?
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Michael Crichton, Universal, all theirs. I can only dream.
Distribution: List archives, anybody else, ask first, please
Spoilers: If you haven’t seen the movie, well, you might not want to read this. Pretty vague though.
Notes: I swore I was only going to write in one fandom. I swore it. Then I went and saw this and well, here we are. The credit/blame for this goes to Marie-Claude. Hope this is what you wanted, precious.

The sound of the engine blurred into the lapping of the water on the sides of the boat and the chirping and faint bellows and howls coming from the forest. All in all, the sound was hypnotic, lulling, nearly trance inducing. Alan leaned back, his body finally rebelling after the constant stress and strain, relaxing slightly against his biding. His eyes closed wearily as his head sank forward. He knew he shouldn’t do this, knew he couldn’t afford this, they couldn’t afford this, he knew that. He knew better than anyone that there was no space for grief, that there was no respite from the horrors, that no time could be spent thinking of anything but surviving from moment to moment. Who knew what was swimming around beneath them, just waiting to emerge and start the terror once again? He knew this, in some small tiny distant part of his mind. He did know this. He simply could not bring himself to care.

“Billy” The name slipped from his lips as he stared at his hands clenched so tightly around his knees. “Jesus, please, Billy.” He could feel the blood pounding in his temples as the images spiraled through his mind. The look on Billy’s face when he said those terrible, awful words, the pain and anguish in those amazing eyes, the desperate desire to explain, the shame and humiliation and frantic begging for understanding. “Billy,” whispered again his eyes squeezed shut, burning hot and aching. He could hear his own voice, words resounding over and over, the harsh, cutting, cruel voice of God he dared to claim to be. “I didn’t mean it, you know, that, you have to know that.”

Alan turned his head slightly, listening closely to the hoots and calls surrounding them, listening for what he wasn’t sure. He waited, head tilted for a moment more, before it slowly dawned on him. Silence. He was listening for silence. As long as that faint scuffling was there, they were relatively safe. It was only when the smaller animals fled that silence fell. And in silence lay danger.

Slowly he stretched out his legs, wincing slightly as his scrapes and bruises made their presence known. He welcomed the pain, it anchored him, let him know he was still here. They were still here, that he knew. They were here. Them. Not Billy. The pain struck him like a hammer blow. Billy wasn’t there. Billy would never be there again.

“Oh fuck,” he moaned out, eyes flying open as he breath came in short gasps. He felt his vision begin to tilt and fade, felt the world turn on its axis as Billy’s absence pierced through him. He could hear the Kirby’s voices, the rise and fall of conversation, the meaningless murmur of words. But nothing else. Nothing. No sounds of Billy moving restlessly, too energetic to stay still. No low thrum of Billy’s voice, going on and on about something, anything that captured his attention. No soft whisper of Billy’s breath in his ear, the soft susurration of it lulling him to sleep so gently. Nothing. Gone. “Oh fuck,” he moaned again as new visions danced behind his eyes.

“Dr. Grant,” Alan paused as he heard his name being called. He sighed, rubbing a weary hand across his forehead. The last thing he needed right now was another person coming up to him and asking him some idiotic question. Really, he wasn’t even sure why he bothered going on the lecture circuit any more. It wasn’t as if anyone was actually interested in his digs or his findings. A wry smile touched his lips while he stopped waiting for whoever it was to reach him. Inwardly, he cursed his mother. It was her fault for raising him so well, for training him to be so polite. Drawing in a deep, calming breath, he slowly turned, bracing himself for the onslaught.

“Yes, how can I help,” his voice trailed away as he caught sight of the young man trotting towards him. Beautiful. The word sprang unbidden to his mind. Beautiful. He shook himself sharply as the man stopped in front of him, trying to pull himself together for yet another tedious conversation, yet more questions he didn’t want to answer. The young man was obviously a student, the backpack and clothing gave that away. Alan cast another appraising glance over him as the student paused to catch his breath. Small but in great shape. His hands were strong and dirt was under the nails. His hiking boots were well worn and well used. And intelligence gleamed from his eyes.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to bother you, if you’re on your way somewhere I’ll understand, but I’ve wanted to meet you for a long time.” A large smile crossed the man’s face and Alan found himself smiling back. “I got into paleontology pretty much entirely because of reading your first book and, well, I just had to tell you, you’re like, such an inspiration to me.” Alan felt the grin stretch further across his face as he listened to the quick words and saw the slight blush crossing those expressive features. “I, well, I know this sounds stupid, but I wanted to say thanks. I love paleontology and I can’t imagine doing anything else, and you’re the reason, so, well, um, thanks.” The man started to back away, the blush intensifying. Alan reached out and caught an arm as the man began to turn to go the other way.

“Wait, don’t go. That was, well, quite a nice thing to say.” The words were the first thing that came to his mind and he flinched at their artlessness. He suddenly realized that he was still holding the man’s arm and he dropped his hand, taking a reluctant step back. “What’s your name?”

“Oh shit, man, sorry, wow, you must think I’m nuts,” the reply was stammered back as the man shook his head ruefully. “I do actually have manners. Not that you’ll ever believe it. I’m Billy, Billy Brennan. I just started in the master’s program at this fine institution.” Billy stuck out his hand and Alan shook it, noting the firm grip and the calluses covering the hands.

“Alan Grant,” he said quietly, smiling as Billy started to laugh.

“Well, I know that, Dr. Grant,” Billy replied, grinning up at him.

“Please, call me Alan. And I meant it, that was very kind of you to say.” Alan tilted his head, soaking in the pleased expression on Billy’s face. It had been a long time since he felt this, this sudden rush in the presence of a new person, that delightful tingling that ran down his spine.

“Ok, Alan,” Billy softly said, Alan’s name lingering in his mouth. “I don’t want to keep you, I’m sure you have a lot of stuff to do, I just had to tell you, anyway, yeah, I’m going to go,” Billy stammered out, at a loss of what to say next.

“Actually,” Alan glanced at his watch, “I don’t have to be anywhere for a few hours and I was going to grab a cup of coffee. Would you,” he paused, gathering up his courage. For heaven’s sake, he wasn’t sixteen years old anymore, this shouldn’t be this hard. “Would you like to join me?”

The delighted smile was the best answer he could have ever received. “Man, would I ever.” They fell into step, Billy guiding them to his favorite coffee shop. Alan tilted his head up to the sun, delighting in the warmth.

“Alan,” he started as he heard the soft voice in his ear. “You need to stand up before you start cramping. You remember what happened last time.” He turned his head away from the fossil he had been excavating, his fingers nearly numb from clutching the small brush in his hand.

“Yes, mother,” he grumbled, pushing himself up onto his knees. He hissed as his thighs began to shake.

“I told you,” Billy smugly stated. Alan glanced up and saw him standing over him, arms folded across his chest, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

“How long have I been out here?” Alan grunted as he leaned back on his heels, rubbing dusty hands down his thighs. He blinked rapidly as he noticed the tinge of red on the horizon.

“Fourteen hours, give or take.” Billy held out a hand and helped Alan up, catching them both as they staggered back a little.

“I hadn’t noticed.” They headed back to their tent, feeling slowly returning to Alan’s extremities. He settled into a camp chair with a heavy sigh. “Christ, I’m getting too old for this.”

“Nonsense,” Billy called over his shoulder as he pulled open the small fridge, yanking out two bottles of water. “You can’t live without it, it’s in your blood.”

“Yeah,” came the quiet response as he took the bottle gratefully, draining half in one huge gulp. He winced as his shoulders seized up. “That doesn’t mean the rest of me isn’t protesting.” He reached up and began rubbing at the back of his neck, trying to work out the tension.

“Here, let me.” Billy’s hands settled on his shoulders and he began to expertly work the sore muscles.

“Hmm, that feels great.” Alan’s head tilted forward as he gave himself over to the pleasure of Billy’s touch. “Whatever would I do without you?”

“Dehydrate most likely. Drink. You’ve been out there all day with almost no water.” Billy gave him an affectionate swat to the back of the head, then went back to the massage.

“Yes, mother.” Alan yelped as Billy pinched down hard. He smiled as the sound of Billy’s laughter filled the tent.

“Alan,” Billy sighed out, running his fingers through Alan’s hair. Alan arched into the touch, turning his head from side to side, delighting in the feel of Billy’s fingers cradling his skull. He let out a happy sigh while nuzzling at the side of Billy’s throat. “Alan” He could feel the vibrations of the words on his tongue as he lapped his way up and down Billy’s tanned skin. “Christ, that’s good,” Billy muttered into his ear, nipping at Alan’s earlobe. Alan hissed as his skin tingled from the bite. Billy chuckled, then leaned up and nipped him again. Alan’s hands clenched at Billy’s back as he pulled them tighter together, molding Billy into the curve of his chest. They rocked together there, the warm night air flowing over them, the light from the full moon lining everything with a silver glow. Alan kissed his way across Billy’s face, finally reaching Billy’s lips. They kissed slowly and wetly, reveling in this peaceful moment, both content to be right where they were, standing on the ridge overlooking their site, tangled in one another’s arms.

They pulled apart finally and Billy rested his head on Alan’s shoulder, his arms wrapped around Alan’s waist. Alan pressed his cheek to the top of Billy’s head and simply listened to Billy breathe. He had never told his lover, but listening to Billy breathe was Alan’s favorite thing in the entire world. It was here, in these quiet times, that he felt whole, that he felt safe and secure. He hadn’t felt safe in a long, long time. He had, in fact, given up any hope of ever feeling safe again. But then a bright-eyed grad student called his name and he found sanctuary. Yes, the nightmares still came, yes, he still flinched whenever anyone came up behind him without warning. But the all encompassing, nearly debilitating horror was gone. Vanished into the spaces between Billy’s breaths, lost in the sound of Billy’s voice, subsumed by the feel of Billy’s body pressed against his. How could he ever explain what that meant. He had no words, he was confident there were no words for what this meant to him. No words. Only this, this quiet, perfect moment in time.

His hands began to roam over Billy’s back, his fingers longing to feel the smooth skin and firm muscles. He felt Billy’s mouth curve into a lazy smile and he chuckled as Billy traced circles on his skin with his tongue. “Time to move this indoors, methinks.” Alan murmured into Billy’s hair, reluctantly stepping back.

“Don’t want to move, want to stay here.” Billy pouted for a moment, moonlight dancing across his face. Alan reached out and traced his lower lip with a fingertip.

“If you come back to the tent with me, I’ll make it worth your while.” Alan smiled as he saw the shudder run through Billy’s body.

“Tent, right, yeah, over there, good idea.” Billy nodded once briskly, then suddenly turned on his heel. “Race ya,” he called over his shoulder as he took off down the hill.

“You little shit,” Alan called after him, laughing as he ran, seeing the quick flip of Billy’s hand. “Oh, is that what you want me to do. I think that can be arranged.” He heard Billy’s laughter ring through the night and he grinned, stepping up the pace.

Billy grabbed him as he stumbled through the flap, yanking him down onto the air mattress. They landed with a thunk, both laughing. The laughter slowly died as they caught their breath, eyes meeting and holding. Alan reached up and trailed a finger down the side of Billy’s face.

“Have I ever told you that the first time I saw you all I could think was how beautiful you are?” Alan whispered, voice husky and deep. “Then I noticed how intelligent and how strong. But the first thing, the very first, was how beautiful.” He pressed a gentle kiss to Billy’s lips.

“Jesus, Alan,” Billy replied, eyes wide. “Do you know that during that whole lecture I was cursing myself because here I finally get a chance to actually hear you speak and all I can think about is how much I want to drag you off and do, well, this, to you?” Billy pulled Alan’s head back down to his and kissed him deeply, pouring all his passion into the touch. He eased a hand under Alan’s shirt and began to stroke up and down the length of Alan’s spine. Alan pulled himself away, eyes bright in the low light coming from the lantern set in the corner. He reached down and began to unbutton Billy’s shirt, running his fingers down the center of Billy’s chest as he did so, feeling the sweat that was beginning to slick them both. A sharp tug on his shirt distracted him for a moment, then he simply reached down and pulled it over his head in one quick motion. Billy quickly pulled off his own shirt and dropped it on top of Alan’s.

Skin to skin they moved together, hands seeking out favored spots, as lips moved together. Alan eased his fingertips under the waist of Billy’s shorts, smiling as he realized there was nothing besides skin meeting his touch. He pulled up and cocked an eyebrow. Billy just laughed. “Hey, man, figured it would save us a step.”

“I knew you were bright,” Alan murmured, easing the button open.

“Yeah, that’s me, bright, quick learner,” Billy muttered into Alan’s chest. Alan hissed as Billy’s hand slid down the front of his jeans. “These need off, now.” Billy growled out.

“Yes, master, I live to serve, master,” Alan answered, standing up and quickly pulling off his jeans. Billy slid out of his shorts and they came back together, sighing as their flesh touched length to length.

“That’s better. I like you best this way. Clothes don’t do you justice.” Billy whispered while Alan slowly bit his way across Billy’s collarbones.

“I have to admit, I like seeing you all dressed and knowing what’s under there, and knowing it’s for me.” Alan pressed a kiss into Billy’s chest. Billy arched as a tongue wrapped around his nipple. Alan smiled as Billy started to murmur, his hips moving in time to the suction.

“What do you want, whatever you want,” Alan stroked down Billy’s side, pulling back slightly. Billy looked at him for a moment, then leaned over and kissed him.

“Let me taste you, I want you to taste me,” Billy licked Alan’s bottom lip. “I love how you taste, how you explode on my tongue. The way you feel in my mouth. Let me do that, let me give that to you.”

Alan groaned into Billy’s mouth, the words ratcheting his desire higher. He loved that, loved the connection, loved the way the moved in tandem, loved the shadows they cast on the thin nylon of the tent. He nodded, then slowly worked his way down his lover’s body. He gently nuzzled at Billy’s groin then gasped as Billy’s mouth lowered onto his own shaft. He left out a low moan as Billy slowly suckled him, his tongue lapping up and down. He savored the sensation for another moment, then opened his mouth and ran his tongue up Billy’s length. Billy shivered beneath him and Alan repeated the gesture. Another shudder was his reward. Another long lick and then he opened his mouth and moved down. They settled into a quick rhythm, thrust and suck and lick all in counterpoint. Sighs mingled in the air, quiet noises of contentment and satisfaction. Their movements grew faster as they each sought to drive the other to completion first. A sudden tenseness in Billy’s thighs alerted Alan that Billy was close and Alan ever so gently ran his teeth along the flesh in his mouth. He felt Billy’s gasp around his own erection and then he was swallowing, faster and faster as Billy pumped into his mouth. The taste overwhelmed him and he was barely aware of his own release, he was so lost in the sensation. They lay there for a moment, sated, then Alan turned and gathered Billy into his arms. Billy tilted his head back and they kissed, tastes mingling together.

“Hmm, that was nice.” Alan pressed a kiss to the back of Billy’s neck as the words floated to his ears.

“Very nice. Sleep now. We have a busy day tomorrow.” Alan felt Billy’s nod as he pulled a light blanket over them.

“Alan,” Billy sighed as he drifted to sleep. “Alan.”

Alan pulled Billy tighter, covering him with as much of his body as he could. “Billy” he replied, “Billy.”

Alan jerked as water splashed onto his face. His eyes slowly focused back on his surroundings as he realized where he was. He could still feel the warmth of Billy’s body in his arms, could taste Billy in his mouth, could smell the musk of their sex, could see the look on Billy’s face when he came, could hear Billy saying his name. The loss hit him again and he flinched as he went cold. “Billy, please no, Billy.” The only response was sound of the motor and the lapping of the waves.

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