by kaly
razrbkr@juno.com
Title: The Best of Intentions
Author: kaly (razrbkr@juno.com)
Homepage: the shadowland - kaly's fan fiction -
http://www.geocities.com/kalyw
Rating: G
Fandom: Jurassic Park 3
Pairing: Alan/Billy
Archive: list archive, elfin. Otherwise: want it, just ask.
Classification: short story, angst
Spoilers: yep, for the lucky bag (hint)
Warnings: none
Summary: Billy reacts after Alan discovers that he wasn't just
taking pictures of the nests.
Feedback: happily and gratefully accepted.
Notes: Trying to resuscitate my muse after it discovered it really liked Archie over in HH (glares at Cori) and having a five page JP3 fic in progress (happy and smutty no less) eaten by Word with no survivors.
Thanks: once more to Cori for cheerleading. Even if I want to hurt her for hooking me on Archie. *g* And to Nix for giving me the go ahead that it was ready to post :)
Disclaimer: I won 'em playing poker. Oh wait. I don't know how to play poker. Guess that was just a really good dream instead. Damn. Universal, they're yours.
As the others begin to descend the spiral staircase, I can feel the
floor rattle beneath my feet. At least, it's easier to tell myself
it's the floor shaking rather than face the truth: that I'm
shaking. Because the latter is something I'd like to ignore, even if
it might be true.
Even if it is true.
I can't seem to move from this spot. The same spot I stood on as I
all but begged Alan for the camera bag. As I watched the soft blue
eyes turn hard, their compassion gone cold.
My breath caught in my chest that moment Alan realized what I was
saying. I knew arguing would be pointless once his face grew firm.
That stubborn determination was one of the things I'd always loved in
Alan. Even if it did prove a challenge some days.
I managed to force the last of my pitiful excuses past the lump that
had lodged in my throat. I knew there was no swaying Alan, but I
couldn't seem to stop the words. I had created my own nightmare,
lost Alan's trust, and I would have to face it.
Alone.
Somewhere along the way I forgot what the world was like alone.
Maybe I'd only known Alan a few years; but we got on so well it
always felt like longer. I'd grown used to Alan being just a step
away from me, yet always beside me.
Blinking slowly, I stared at the ladder as if I expected it to
disappear suddenly. I don't think anything would shock me anymore.
Nothing makes since this damned island, as it is.
It takes a moment to realize not only are the others out of sight, I
can just barely hear them off below me somewhere. He's gone, left me
behind and forgotten like so much unwanted trash. My heart freezes
at the thought and a bite back a hysterical laugh.
I realize something else, in a flash of insight. Alan's pushing
onward, being the leader as always, saving us all. And he's doing it
with the best of intentions, just as I thought I was doing before.
We can only hope for all our sakes his intentions are deemed better
than mine.
My own faults and foolish mistakes I can deal with. Watching Alan
bear a similar weight upon his shoulders... I could not. It would
hurt almost as much as the thought of him hating me. Something that
I never imagined possible before now.
Now... Now I've seen the light fade from his eyes when he looked at
me. And for the first time I fear I've lost him from my life. If I
have a life when our tour of Hell is through.
Finally I force myself to move. I'm unsure how long I've been
standing here, lost in my own rambling thoughts. I manage to put one
foot in front of the other and make my way down the stairs. The
others aren't too far away so apparently I wasn't still for too long.
When I reach them, Alan won't look at me and I choke against the
tightness in my chest. I might be little more than dead weight in
Alan's eyes, but I'll be damned if I leave him alone to this place.
Perhaps I'll even find the chance to make right my mistake.
And maybe if I don't die in the process, Alan might someday find the
heart to forgive me.
end
