Radioradio! (this station I made)
October 21, 10:34 pm
hard of hearing: "My First Day Back," Braid, coincidentally.
my thoughts exactly: "So I'm told that Chicago's cold, can't be cool as California-- for the first time ever I feel severed yet smooth removed if you approve then check it out to what do I owe this attention? I'm only half of the reflection the conversation goes... oh never mind..." Braid song.
and now to introduce: I just got back from Chicago an hour and a half ago, and I'm avoiding looking for my play book for fear of finding it. Everything smells good, and it has for a weekend now, and I'm beginning to wonder as to whether or not my nose is permanently malfunctioning. Or maybe I'm just happy, who knows. Chicago was gorgeous-- I got to see Annie (ahhh!! yay! she is an amazing person, and I wish I lived nearer to her. we sat up for long hours watching movies and drinking wine and water. she's 22 and sometimes refers to me as "kid" but I just retaliate with "old woman" and we're all good.) The U of C was as beautiful as remembered, but further away from Chicago, but I suppose driving wouldn't be all that difficult to figure out. I really, truly wish to major in philosophy at the moment. The classes are amazingly intriguing and question and discuss everything, something I most definitely enjoy. I returned to a wonderful box filled with interesting e-mails and a message that left me smiling. Three of my close friends are involved in an ugly triangle and I hate to be choosing sides as equilateral triangles are oft more easily worked with as compared to scalene or isosceles but I find myself already doing so. No good. My question is... is there such a thing as fate? Random, but, I think if there was, then I would be feeling much more at ease, for what would happen would be already supposed to happen-- I just needn't lose motiviation...
I'm gaining a lack of sense. I suppose I best be off. Read and write and think and sleep. Dream.
Love,
K.
October 3, 11:27 pm
musically inclined:"Lost Dropped and Cancelled," Rainer Maria.
considering: reverie: a state of abstracted musing; daydreaming. this is where I say I thrive.
here: reading. the end. tired. more later, I promise.
September 18, 6:41 pm
muse-ic: "Honestly," American Football.
feeling:
"so I will turn
black and white
become that horoscope you're reading
it predicts something good is on its way
and then I'll send you the world green and blue
"Kathy With A K's Song," Bright Eyes.
thoughts: So, here goes..... schoolgirl crush + alcohol.... conclude that one for me. Pretty sure you can. the end.
Onto more things. I am enjoying this year ten times as much as last. Knock on wood. Pound on wood. Something, something's different... more comfortable, perhaps. Driving allows time to think. I live in Kettering, basically, with school and work and food there. People are scattered. Ahh. Need to do work. Sorry for the lapse in writing, I'll get back to this when I'm not dying of exhaustion or thinking of other things.
Love to you all. And while you're at it, tell this silly boy that he needs to call me sometime!
K.
September 3, 11:02 pm
sometimes you hear voices: Bright Eyes, "Padriac My Prince" (the electronic-like guitar sounds in the back feel Beckish.)
you've got me: "brigadoon: An idyllic place that is out of touch with reality or one that makes its appearance for a brief period in a long time."
sometimes I feel like screaming: 11:11. Make a wish.
I had this discussion with an advisor the other day, and he happened to get my entire life story out in 40 minutes without the intention in mind. It started with a question he asked: "Describe yourself in one word." "Incomplete." I then went on to attempt to explain how I always feel like I'm working towards something, or that in a couple years I'll be somewhere completely different, a place I more want to be, that there's so much to reach for, that I feel like there's something/one out there that's going to complement me. Of course this sounds ludicrious. I tumble towards my synopsis of my ramblings: I rarely live in the present. It's always living in the past to deal with the future or dealing with the future by working on ways to get there. I know this, but very very few people know it. This is most likely not the best way to live life... he gives me a bit of a response, then says: "Kristin, maybe you're making an emptiness in your life that's not really there."
Whoa.
Breakthrough.
Odd... I'd considered it in the deep recesses of thought before but never really fully confronted such a thought. Am I making myself out to be worse than I actually am, thus making it worse and worse? "Now and again, it seems worse than it is, but mostly the view is accurate." Truth or bullshit? "And you speak of a fever that burns you inside, as you explain to your mother how you have wanted to die. So she kisses your fingers and says "My Darling but why? When there is so much more. There is so much more. Do you know there are spaces open and wide. Believe me, there are days longer than nights. And you will be happy the minute you try. So won't you try? Won't you try?" I'm thinking that I'm just a dramatic fool trying to fill days until I meet someone to keep me occupied. Is it better to be dependent or independent? Probably the latter, but the emotions are so much more ... extensive with someone else there to speak of them. It's so much harder to say "I feel like shit" on your own. Then again, I really don't. I'm content. I'm just not overly happy or overly sad. I think I'd much rather the extreme, but, then again, I've had it before, and I had said then "Let this all be over with, it hurts too much." (sidetrack, separate story: I think I might call Sebastien today and see if he wants to go out to lunch. He's heading down to UC soon, I think, I'll see him at Built to Spill Saturday but I think I'll call and just see.) I think I'd still prefer that over miniscule feelings. I am no longer very easily embarrassed, which is nice, so I do meet new people. But it's getting too deep that strikes me. I think I want to move to Chicago.
One note: I have started talking more and more with people I hadn't, and let me tell you, it's so nice to talk with new people and not have to worry about what they feel about me. Or older friends, with new feelings. I really want to thank everyone anyone reading this, I know a few of you that do, and you have honestly been so wonderful in making me feel comfortable with things, issues, in 'real life.' :o) Thanks for listening to me complain here (especially today, wow was this a bitch-and-moan thing) but it's helping me figure out more and more. So.... yeah you're all great, and I like you much, if you ever need me you know where I'll be, and I'm off.
Fling.
Love,
K.
August 30, 6:56 pm
in the life of: watching the Simpsons.
a quill's thoughts:In farewells we heat above ordinary our affections to the things we forego. (Montaigne)
In every parting there is an image of death. (George Eliot. I like George Eliot.)
me: I like that last one. I just found this wonderful website with tons and tons of wonderful quotes.
I have a job I have a job! I'm working at Senses in Town and Country from 4-9 every Tuesday and Thursday. Come visit me. It's right next to the main lobby, across from where Parrot Pagoda was at one point. I work with this wonderful girl by the name of Maureen. More to come later...
Love,
K.
August 27 12:00 am
on: the radio thing I made. Right now it's System of a Down's "Chop Suey" (and yes it is a fairly good song, I didn't think it would be) and a commercial on "you know, you may have depression" things
quotation: It wasn't until I lost my reputation that I realized what a burden it was and what freedom really is. (Margaret something)
mind me: I read up some of my old diary entries, usually something I shouldn't do (dredged up feelings oftentimes um suck) and it made me laugh tonight. It made me laugh! God, I like this. I'm in this place where I can become sad and happy very easily very quickly, but usually in very very small doses. It's no longer feeling extremely sad or extremely happy, but, no, no no, now it's just small little 0.3 mg doses (1 tablet). (I typed that for 4 hours today. 4. 0.4 mg doses of Baycol = 1 tablet, usually, just to let you know.) Mmm is it better to feel very little rather than to feel extremely? I'd say extremely, but, not right now. I'm on my little happy-go-lucky phase. (just wait til next paragraph.)
I'm going to Chicago Oct 19th to visit the University of Chicago, my #1 choice for right now. It's this beautiful place with gothic architecture and messy-dark-haired boys with too much caffeine (15 coffee places on the campus) and too little sleep (15 coffee places on the campus). (and I don't even like coffee.) But in all honesty, they have a great program to London and strongly work on the Soctractic method of teaching. I really, really would like a shot to go there. (but they have a 1310-1470 average of SAT scores. ahhhh. I have to kiss some ass this year then.) Well sweets, I am off- I like you all and I'll see you soon. call me at 477 4407 if you'd like (and I have voicemail now! wooow.... fun. :).
Good night.
August 25 10:56 pm
hearing: Bugs Bunny on the tv.
quo-oh-wait: You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation. – Plato (got that one right.)
thinkin: My cousin's thinking of getting married. This is the girl who I woke up with every Christmas morning to see the pile of presents at our feet. The girl who shreiked and fought over pillows to hide our eyes when we first watched "Arachnophobia" together. The girl who convinced my parents to stay an extra day at my Nana and Papa's just so we could finish the puzzle we started. She's thinking of getting married. That's just too strange. I mean, I'm seriously looking at the University of Chicago for undergrad, and she, Northwestern, for graduate school. How odd would it be, for her to be married. Married!! Sooooo ooo ooo strange. Everyone's growing up too quickly. I mean, I find my friends turning 19 and 20. Is that not odd? (and yet I'm watching some Bugs Bunny, hell yeah...)
I'll tell you more later, I have some cartoons to watch.
August 24 10:03 pm
echo: "Free To Go," Folk Implosion
slight of hand:"She was the porn goddess, ice sex, glistening and shiny and perfection Something you wanted to eat and wear and own and be. Something poisonous delicious forbidden." Francesca Lia Block
thinking: I had the most wonderful drive home tonight. My dad and I were in one car, my mom and siblings in the other. My dad and I went 45 on 75 just waiting for them to catch up. When they did, it started an unspoken race. I think it was at the point that my dad and I were taking a shortcut through Springboro neighborhoods and my dad reached to turn the volume up on "Longview" (Green Day, this cd I made a loooong time ago) that I realized that my parents are pretty damn cool. I smiled and started screaming to "Ruby Soho" (Rancid).
I'm working a temp job at an office tomorrow for a couple of hours, inputting data and the like. I went climbing today and (yay) it was amazing. I took my little brother. He threatened getting seriously into it so I had to squelch his dreams and tell him I'd drop him if he did. (my brother and I are competitive at too many things, no one more is necessary). I also went last night with Liz, which was really really nice because I was getting very worried that I'm going to have a bit of trouble being social this year, as at the end of last year I was just turning away from everyone. I have trouble with the whole social aspect of life, I guess. You have to try, sooo hard, and I did for about 14 years of my life. (and for those who are saying, "umm you were an infant" okay fine you win take off some years, but I'm an exaggerator..) Then I got tired of it. So I guess I have some trouble. It's all about the comfort level you have with people, I suppose. Not necessarily trust (though that can bring about comfort), just, how relaxed you can feel with them. Blah. Enough rambling, onto more things.
Concert updates: Built to Spill, sept. 8th, Bogarts; Anniversary with Superdrag, oct. 14th, Bogarts; rainer maria, oct. 4th, Grog Shop; Bright Eyes, sept. 8th, somewhere in Chicago; Travis (missed em last year), oct. 9th, Bogarts; Ben Folds, sept. 27, Bogarts. (not that I'll go to all of those, but, if I could...)
TONIGHT, I'M DOWN ON MY KNEES! TONIGHT I'M BEGGIN' YOU PLEASE! TONIGHT TONIGHT, PLEASE.... :)
Love to you.
August 22 2:14 am
what I'm hearing: Built to Spill's "Big Dipper"
quote to consider:"Can you save me from the ranks of the freaks who suspect they could never love anyone?" Aimee Mann This song by Aimee Mann has come on twice on my random-selection media player. Hmmmmmm....
onthemind: Today I drove for too long, thought too much, and overall, did not do very good things for my mind. Oh and I have a cellphone now so give me calls at 4774407 and I'll come and stop by and bring you Maggie Moo's ice cream. :)
August 19 3:09 am
sounds and the like: making tapes for people. working on "Raspberry Rush" Promise Ring.
quote to mend the mind: "It's never too late to be what you might have been." George Eliot.
thinking: Strange. Life is just strange. Everything goes in circles, whether your make it so, or it just happens. What is there to live for? Hope, usually. Hope that something will happen that will make it all okay or at least more logical. Mmm. "Happiness is when you stop looking for happiness." I don't know if I agree with that... or maybe I do... blah. All so damn confusing! Too much to think about! And I'm attempting at 3:15 in the morning... yeah. I think it's back to tapes and then sleep. Love you.
August 16 12:39 am
sounds and the like: "Never Say Goodbye," the Impossibles.
quote I'm using to close my eyes: "I think when you are born an angel should say to you, hopefully kindly and not in the fake voice of an airline attendant: 'Here you go on this long, long dream. Don't even try to wake up. Just let it go on until it is over. You will learn many things. Just relax and observe because there just is pain and that's it mostly and you aren't going to be able to escape no matter what. Eventually it will all be over anyway. Good luck.'" THE ROSE AND THE BEAST, FAIRY TALES RETOLD, Francesca Lia Block
final thoughts: I hate very very real dreams. If they're very good, you want to keep sleeping. If you they're very bad, you feel like shit. In any sense, they wake you up to feel like shit and then you think about them all day and then you want to do something about them but what if you can't do anything? What if it's all in your head and your head only, and what if no one thinks about it, or if they stopped a long time ago? How do you change something that's supposedly dead? Everything's a sign, whether it be good, bad, or just a sign. Some are more apparent than others. What if everyone was just as obvious and honest as a wilting flower? (see: Bright Eyes lyrics.) Ahhh. I'm just babbling now. I suppose it's time to sleep...
August 15 12:57 am
music: "Sounds Like Violence," Braid.
quote lingering on the corners of my mouth: "I love acting. It is so much more real than life." Oscar Wilde
final thoughts: How can people be comforted by a God they see as punishing? In all honesty. It's a lot like the kings of previous eras: you give them gold, furs, vegetables, fruits, whatever you made and whatever money you made from making such, in exchange for comfort from the guard (usually) and good favor with the king. And they feared the king. They usually spoke badly of him (or would if they could). How can one feel rightly comfortable with a God that they must fear? And why does any one person have to be right about their version of who they see God as? And why does everyone keep telling me to "keep an open mind," while secretly they just wish that I keep that mind open until it closes in upon their own belief structure? Blah. I'd much rather be known as spiritual than as religious, let me tell you.
August 13 3:56 am
This is my excuse to do something creative, or at least somewhat creative, as well as getting some of whatever I can out of me. I'm in need of expression.
music: "No Lies, Just Love" Bright Eyes.
quote lingering in the corners of my eyes: "And I say, come for the week, you can stay in my bed, and pass through my life like a dream through my head; it will be easy (I will make it easy.)."(Bright Eyes) "I look around and everyone keeps laughing and they're smiling, you've crowded up my head and now it's full." Piebald
final thoughts of right now: Feeling incomplete at the moment, unsure as to why. I keep falling asleep later and later and later, thinking 'I'm not finished yet' and when I get up I wait to sleep. This school year's going to be difficult, like the end of last year. I'm having trouble keeping attention on anything and everything that I don't feel like doing so. I need to be doing more than one thing at all times. Mmm. Off to sleep...