Pretty much everyone with e-mail has received those chain letters warning that if you do not pass them on you will have bad luck, or that if you pass it on to five people your printer will then print out coupons and some celebrity will fall in love with you all while a little boy with cancer gets a penny. After awhile there was a parody of these 'Internet Urban Legends' a total hyperbole combining many different myths into one large myth, and it was given the heading "It Must be True, I Saw it on the Internet."
I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC).Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!"
He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)
The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS."
Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for only 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).
So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.
Send THIS to all the friends who send you their mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms -- if you don't, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get sick from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mails forever.
I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.
Author unknown
But the most humorous thing is not the parody of these urban legends, but the fact of where this parody came from -- Focus on the Family. Yes, that fundamentalist Christian group that we assumed believed in anything as long as it somehow supported their beliefs.
They even have a comment about these 'Internet Urban Legends', "...the Christian community needs to become more vigilant in not just halting these rumors, but even running truthful accounts back in the direction from where they emerge." Focus on the Family, 1999-AUG-4.
Yes, I know; I couldn't believe they would say something like that. Especially seeing how many people have spent a great deal of time 'running truthful accounts back in the direction' of Focus on the Family.
So, I decided that it would be best if someone (that someone being me) went ahead and did a hyperbole of all the myths and legends Focus on the Family and other conservative Christian groups believes in.
I was on my way to the post office to send some money to my church cause their last mission project lost them a lot of money when a group of cannibalistic pagans ate the mission workers. After that I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home trying to fix his computer cause. The computers date and time keeps malfunctioning cause of the missing day from when God stopped the sun to allow Joshua to finish hunting.Anyway, one day this poor guy woke up to see a group of liberals trying to introduce legislation that would take away Christians' first amendment rights. He knew this wasn't a hoax cause he remembered the interview with Janet Reno on 60 Minutes where she said that Christianity is an evil cult.
This man then remembered when he was in high school how the heathen science teacher taught the students about godless evolution where monkeys give birth to human babies. Even though Charles Darwin recanted his beliefs on his death bad after meeting Lady Hope, and that human foot pints have been found in the same strata next to dinosaur foot prints, not to mention, that the theory of evolution breaks the 2nd law of thermodynamics.
After school this one time, the young man was sitting in the park reading a newspaper article about the discovery of Noah's Ark when a violent group of homosexuals attacked him, raped, and beat him just because he was a heterosexual righteous Christian boy.
Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where they use reparative therapy to turn homosexuals like John and Anne Paulk into Godly Christian heterosexuals.
While at this hospital he saw several physicians treating a twelve week viable fetus that was across the hall from the Antichrist who was having his 666 birth mark removed form his forehead.
So anyway the poor guy tried to find himself a doctor, but was abducted by a group of Wiccans and sacrificed to Satan cause it was Halloween.
Send THIS to all the friends who send you their mail and you will receive God's love and go to Heaven -- if you don't, Ellen Degenerous will turn you into a lesbian, Wiccans will give you candy with poison injected into it on Halloween, the Democrats will corrupt your children, and heathen biologists will turn you into an Atheist.
I know this is all true cause I read it in a sermon by Dr. Rev. Jerry Falwell which cited scripture.
Author 'A concerned Christian'
