I, Miss Sandy, have spent a few days at the Phelps Compound (or as they call it -- Church) in an attempt to ascertain some information and an interview with the Rev. Fred Phelps. My goal was to get a tour of the house/church/legal office (clearly a ploy to dodge property taxes), eat a meal with them, and then interview the Reverend and get back to my estate.
Well, what can I say, the decor was horrendous, the food reminded me of Sally Struthers showcasing naked starving Ethiopians, and the Phelps' personal hygiene wasn't exactly up to par.
Although; dinner was topped off with some fresh apple pie, and I simply love pie.
Sandy: Rev. Phelps, I'm so glad I get to interview you, you seem to be a loud and outspoken media figure. You've been on 20/20, and Ricci Lake. You've been written about in many magazines and seem to be a widely acknowledge person in the realms of politics and religion.
Fred: Thank you Miss Sandy, It's a pleasure to meet you.
Sandy: And Just what denomination do you follow?
Fred: Baptists Old School, it means primitive, with emphasis based on Calvinistic beliefs.
Sandy: Oh, so, that would be the Baptists with out the white hoods. Well Never mind. Now, with all the protests you do, how often to you protest?
Fred: I advance the message of God in my protests on a daily basis, everyone needs to hear about the God and the eternal damnation that threatens them.
Sandy: Daily, doesn't that get rather boring?
Fred: Well it was fun at first, but then it became rather habitual and lost the old charm it had, so we came up with a few ideas. We do themed protests. Like dress theme, be it western, black and white, or hat day.
Sandy: Oh, sounds like fun, Do you have pictures.
Here are some pictures form a few of the theme protests they have done.
Sandy: Wow, you've had a quest cameo. Have you had any other people make cameos?
Fred: Yes, we have Reggi White, and Darell Strawberry. We have had Tom Arnold and David Duke stop buy, and once we had Pat Buchannan and Robert Downey Jr. in the same day.
Sandy: That's amazing, do you have any people lined up to make cameo's in the future?
Fred: Yes, we currently are planning to have O.J. Simpson, Dr. Laura, and Pat Robertson.
Sandy: Well, that sure is impressive, I certainly wouldn't call then celebrities but they have graced the covers of super market tabloid magazines. Does not all the protesting make you tired?
Fred: Not me, but some other members of my congregation find it very strenuous.
Sandy: Yes, I could imagine.
Sandy: So, this Gospel tenant that you preach and feel the world needs to hear, just what is it. Salvation through Christ, the power of prayer, the continuum of love?
Fred: No, I advance the Biblical Tenant the God Hates Gays.
Sandy: Oh, your one of those people.
Fred: Pardon?
Sandy: One of those people that hasn't read the Bible, they just own one.
Fred: How Slanderous of you, I have read the Bible, A lot of it too.
Sandy: Well I've read every word of my King James 1611 Bible. And there isn't one thing in there about homosexuality being a sin. Let alone God hating gays, God is Love.
Fred: Oh the Lord Hates, Proverbs 6:16-19 states 7 thing...
Sandy: those are THINGS the lord hates, not PEOPLE, and of those seven things your guilty of 3.
Fred: And the Lord clearly hates the sin of foggotry, he finds it worthy of death in Leviticus.
Sandy: Hold on, excuse me. (at this point I left the room for a few minutes, upon my return, Rev. Phelps, with a sly look began to try and preach to me)
Fred: Did you go to repent of your faggotry.
Sandy: No, I went and looked in the Websters college Dictionary, I then looked in the Random House Scientific Dictionary, From there I checked in Britannica, then I tried the Concise Oxford Dictionary of Music, and finally, I tried the Merck Index. This faggotry term you use, it does not exist in the English language, be that American or British, nor does it exist in musical terminology or as a chemical substance.
Fred: And the Lord rained fire and brimstone down on the fags of Sodom and Gomorrah as it says in Genesis 19, Jude 7, and Luke 17:25-32.
Sandy: Those verses say nothing about 'fags' in Sodom or Gomorrah, all they say is that Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed, SIR, you cant make stuff up and find a verse that support half of your wild claims.
Fred: Sodom and Gomorrah were filled with Filthy Sodomites, and the lord destroyed them but spared the heterosexual family of Lot.
Sandy: Yet he didn't save Lot's pagan son's in law. And as a result Lot and his two daughters had a drunken incestuous affair in the mountains. HMMM, I guess God forgot why he destroyed Sodom when he was having his prophet Ezekiel write up the allegory of the harlot on the side of the road in Ezekiel 19.
Fred: You Filthy Adamic God hating blasphemous sodomite dog reprobate sinner, shameful lusting after your own flesh...
Sandy: Oh, settle down before you have a heart attack. I'm not in any mood to perform an impromptu angina.
Fred: Men don't have ANGINAS, they have PHALLUSES, if you were heterosexual you would know that.
Sandy: What are you talking about??
Fred: The perverse reprobate dyke sin.
Sandy: Do you have shaken baby syndrome?
Fred: WHAT?
Sandy: you know, when you were a baby, did you parents ever shake you, vigorously, like a bottle of Italian salad dressing.
Fred: Are you mocking me, The prophets were hated and mocked, Jesus was mocked. People mock and hate whoever is spreading the truth.
Sandy: So those people you feel God hated were speaking the truth?
Fred: No, the Lord Hated them for their sinful ways, they were blasphemous and evil.
Sandy: yet the lord loves a murderous, blaspheming, God hating liar?
Fred: No, the Lord would HATE a murderous, blaspheming God hating liar. That's why he hates those God hating, blasphemous liar fags.
Sandy: Well, now that's begging the question. Mr. Phelps, did you not realize that you, yourself, are a murderous, blaspheming, God Hating Liar?
Fred: Slander, I should sue you for that remark. I wont stand for you saying that I am a murderous, blaspheming, God hating liar.
Sandy: And God wont stand for you being a murderous, blaspheming, God hating liar. First Epistle of John pretty much explains it all. 1st John 3:15, your a murderer -- genocide apparently, 1st John 4:16 explains how you blasphemize him for perverting his utter nature and hating his creation, and 1st John 4:20 says your a God hating liar.
Fred: Lies, Slander, Libel, Deformation of Character, Character assass...
Samdu: Sir, you should worry less about Slander, libel, and deformation of character, especially seeing how your sermons, fliers, and newsletters, are chuck full of it. But maybe you should worry more about what would happen if the IRS ever decided to come and give you and audit. Church, house, and law office all the same building, that must yield some tax breaks. And we all know your children's' candy sales as a 'fund raiser' was nothing more then you personal income for a few years. Money raised on fund raisers are not spent on assisting ones barbiturate addiction.
Fred: Now, you let me tell you something, Repent or Perish...
Sandy: NO, The lord says not to listen to false prophets. Excuse me, I have to go, consorting with evil will yield destruction. I bid you good day sir, and not a moment too soon, your grooming is atrocious, I think I'll need a flea and tick bath when I get home.
(I then left his house and went back to the airport. I was very upset, I don't think I'll ever get that Baptist smell out of my feather boa. He now sends me e mails bantering on about the Adamic race and such nonsense.)
If you would like some more information on the false prophet, click here. Read about his struggle to overcome obesity, his barbiturate addiction, how he commit perjury after swearing on the Holy Bible, read how he does not honor his mother and father, read about his abusive and negligent treatment of his wife and kids, even read about the unethical methods of cheating the IRS.
If you would like to view his web site click here. Read his made up statistics and Bible verses that do not apply to the topic. Click on the photos and see what hicks wear in public.
If you would like to learn more about Shaken Baby Syndrome and Prevention, click here.
