David and Jonathan: Friends or Friends with Special Benefits

Many Christians consider the account of David and Jonathan to be a noble portrayal of friendship. I, on the other hand, want absolutely no knowledge of what these Christians do with their friends behind closed doors. Of course I am talking about the idea that David and Jonathan were lovers. Many Christians would consider that very idea to be blasphemous and perverse, David was a godly man, a Christian icon and how could any one even suggest that he was a queer??? Yes, David was a godly man, and yes he has become a Christian icon, despite the fact that he murdered Goliath, commit adultery with Bathshebe, was a polygamist with hundreds of wives and concubines, and even plotted to kill Saul. It's strange that in spite of all these things we still regard David to be a godly man and a Christian icon, yet if he even had the slightest inclination to homosexuality all that righteousness and godliness goes right out the window.
So, let us actually look at David and Jonathan's friendship and let's see, friends -- or friends with benefits.
So let's start at the beginning, in the book of I Samuel in chapter 18. Chapter 17 ends with David going to meet Saul, after meeting Saul, he then meet's Saul's son, Jonathan. Chapter 18 begins with David meeting Jonathan.

I Samuel Chapter 18, verse 1 "And it came to pass, when he had made an end of speaking unto Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul."

David and Jonathan meet they are instantly taken to each other, their souls are joined, and Jonathan loved David as if David was his soul. Hmmm, that sounds like something out of a Harlequin romance novel, not a buddy story spit out of Hollywood.
Then in verse 2, Saul has David come and live with the royal family. From here David and Jonathan's 'friendship' really takes off.

I Samuel Chapter 18, verse 3 to verse 4 "Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul. And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was upon him, and gave it to David, and his garments, even to his sword, and to his bow, and to his girdle."

Well, look at that, they made a covenant of love and then Jonathan takes off all his clothing and gives it to David. This was a practice at that time showing that what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine. David and Jonathan have vowed their love to one another, like all good 'friends' do.
Next we have silly old Saul arranging for David to marry Merab. But David does not want Merab. Instead David would prefer to hang out with Jonathan. Strange actions for a heterosexual man. In this day and age, we get very suspicious of a man who would rather run around with his best buddy then go dating and hang with the chicks.
Then we have silly old Saul becoming very upset with David for refusing to marry Merab, in fact Saul is so pissed he decides the best way to teach David a lesson is to kill him. Now, I feel that Saul was just another raving homophobic lunatic that thought he should probably take Levitical code up and kill himself a queer, while other Christians, say that Saul was just going to kill David cause David had refused to marry the chick his best friend's daddy had picked out for him.
Then Jonathan becomes aware of daddy's goofy plan and decided it be best to tell his new friend, David, about that plot to have him killed. And just why did Jonathan feel it best to go behind daddy's back and warn David?

I Samuel Chapter 19 verse 2 "But Jonathan Saul's son delighted much in David: and Jonathan told David, saying, Saul my father seeketh to kill thee: now therefore, I pray thee, take heed to thyself until the morning, and abide in a secret place, and hide thyself"

So, Jonathan did that all cause he delighted much in David. Delighted ... that's a strange word to use. I wonder what it's context could mean in that passage. Let us look in the Hebrew: chaplets. Chaplets, now that's an interesting word, let's see what it means: desired. Oh, so it would be fair to say that Jonathan DESIRED David.
Now after this, Saul becomes away of what his sneaky little sonny boy has been up to. He is quite upset and has a few choice words to say with Jonathan.

I Samuel Chapter 20 verse 30 "Then Saul's anger was kindled against Jonathan, and he said unto him, 'Thou son of the perverse rebellious woman, do not I know that thou hast chosen the son of Jesse to thine own confusion, and unto the confusion of thy mother's nakedness?'"

So, Saul tells Jonathan that he knows all about David the son of Jesse. It shames and confuses Jonathan's parents that him and David should run around like a couple of perverted women. This makes perfect sense, most parents are ashamed and think their son is a pervert if he has a really good friend.
After this Jonathan and David meet before David flees from the city. And what do they do?

I Samuel Chapter 20, verse 41 "And as soon as the lad was gone, David arose out of a place toward the south, and fell on his face to the ground, and bowed himself three times: and they kissed one another, and wept one with another, until David exceeded."

See, skip that saying good bye junk, they hugged and kissed like all good 'friends' do.
Then David flees into the woods and gets himself a nice little place to live. All this time Saul is ranting and raving about how upset he is cause he just cant find that elusive David. Then Jonathan decided, maybe he should go and visit David. So Jonathan goes out into the woods, and finds David, and they are so happy to see each other. And what do they do when they meet again?

I Samuel chapter 23 verse 16 to verse 18 "And Jonathan Saul's son arose, and went to David into the wood, and strengthened his hand in God. And he said unto him, Fear not: for the hand of Saul my father shall not find thee; and thou shalt be king over Israel, and I shall be next unto thee; and that also Saul my father knoweth. And they two made a covenant before the LORD: and David abode in the wood, and Jonathan went to his house."

David and Jonathan were so happy to see each other again they decided that they should, once again make a covenant of love, but this time the covenant of love is made before God. This is very similar to a wedding. However, many Christians will not regard this as a wedding and it is simple to see why they would feel this way. This union between David and Jonathan is nothing like a modern day heterosexual wedding, there is no mentioning of either of them signing a prenuptial agreement. After this wedding, Jonathan goes into David's house, and we can only assume what newlyweds do in the privacy of their own homes.
After this, it gets a little sad. David and Jonathan part, Saul is still a nut, Saul dies, Jonathan dies, and then David becomes king. But poor David, he really missed his 'friend' Jonathan and thinking of Jonathan, David laments about how great of a 'friend' Jonathan was.

II Samuel chapter 1 verse 26 "I am distressed for thee, my brother Jonathan: very pleasant hast thou been unto me: thy love to me was wonderful, passing the love of women."

David simply says that his and Jonathan's love for one another was wonderful, so good it was better then any woman could offer. And all regular heterosexual men would agree that loving your buddy is a lot better then all the love a woman can offer you.
So in conclusion, I propose that from now on, when a Christian decided to get on you and your lover's case, just smile and say, "hey, we're just really good friends."

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