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It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears it's true.
If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle.
If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children." -- they leave skid marks. This works whether a man or woman says it.
Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not.
Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature.
It's deja vu all over again.
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator!
I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.
I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I believe it.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator... never got around to it.
When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like all the passengers in his car.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
The trick to flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
If at first you don't succeed, then sky diving definitely isn't for you.
There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.
To successfully keep robbers out of your house put six locks on your door. When you go out, lock every other one. No matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
We have strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful.
One in every four Americans has some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, than its you.
I said Hello, then I reached into their chest and pulled their heart out.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Careful. We don't want to learn from this. -- Calvin
The quickest way of ending a war is to lose it.
If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for two weeks.
National Atheism Day: April 1st
You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.
Never judge a book by it's movie.
If you can't annoy somebody, there's little point in writing.
The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
Don't be so humble, you're not that great.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
Why is that when you transport something by car, it's called shipment but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes--why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
If it's 0 degrees today, and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."
He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it. -- Douglas Adams
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again. -- Marin County newspaper's TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz"
Razors pain you. Rivers are damp. Acids stain you and drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful; nooses give. Gas smells awful; you might as well live.
