The Trials and Tribulations of the "Outdoor" Circle follows over the next few months
but first.................
This Month...the long awaited introduction to The Coven
High Priest Krizen (name changed to protect identity)
A brief Resume of the Coven Members
Krizen and Ceeli.....Experienced Witches, who in true Wiccan style try everything 3 times. Once to see if they like it, twice to see if the first attempt was just bad luck, and thirdly to see if the chemist will actually develope the film.
Krizen motto...."Sod the Rule of Three..Once is all your getting"
Ceeli motto......"Ha Ha..Looks just like a penis, only smaller"
Big Bertha...........A cheerful, generously proportioned woman, who is so clumsy she has been known to trip over a blade of grass, but makes up with enthusiasm and commitment for everything she lacks in tact and grace. Motto is "I make love in the rain, if there's lightening..you get to go on top"
Most similar film character..Any female,black/white or yellow, over 400 pounds and cheerful when naked.
Eric.................A man of "unusual" features and a ponytail that he instists on keeping in place with large amount of hair gel... from the side he bears a striking resemblance to a water pump... more usually seen in "Little House on the Praire"...with Ma Ingalls desperately trying to pump liguid into the bucket while screaming "CARRIE!!..Have you been stuffing Pa's possom down the well again?" Motto" This is the last time I use THIS f**king dating agency!!"
Most similar film character..A cross between Jerry Lewis and Ichabod Crane (The Legend of Sleepy Hollow..the cartoon version)
Mr/Mrs "Knob Hill"...So named because of where they live..sure you know the type...they wouldn't be caught dead at "anti natal" classes, they would hire a servant to practice the "breathing techniques" for them becuase they won't "do" the "panting thing" and if legally forced to attend would appear in designer slippers, with matching "His" and "Hers" pillows. Motto "If Harrods don't stock it, we won't eat it"
Most similar film character..Who needs a comparison..we all know a family like this!...Just in case you don't...Gregs' Mother and Father (from Dharma and Greg) or for the Brits on the list Margo and Gerry Leadbetter from "The Good Life".
The Grundys..........
Mr Grundy is the type of "Outdoor"person who drives a 4x4, carries a compass to the local shops, can construct a trap that will kill a lion out of two paperclips and Monica Lewinski's old knicker elastic and can start a fire in a blizzard using ice, water and three acorns. Always wears a "Tracker" jacket, with 47 pockets, as endorsed by David Bellamy and a hat that has 103 assorted fishing flies in it. Was refused army service on medical grounds,(more later) and compensated for this by memorising the S.A.S Survival Manual.
Motto If it moves it can be trapped and eaten".
Most similar film character..A combination of Davy Crocket/Grisly Adams/John Wayne....and any Great White Guide in any Tarzan film you care to use.
Mrs Grundy is so erotic. She is the woman that causes the male members of the coven to be in danger of "pointing" while "skyclad" in a Circle. A "prudish" vegetarin, who's motto is "If it's got a face, I won't eat it" or "I'm not touching THAT without rubber gloves", depending on whether it's feeding time or bed time.
Most similar film character..Lucy...from "I love Lucy",
Fries........Has all the qualifications required for his current employment at a well known Burger bar.....he is under 18, looks totally rediculous in his work uniform, can only count to 21 if he is naked, has an allergy to chip fat that causes him to erupt in boils (each of which threaten to explode with the force similar to Mt. Helena on a bad day), and thinks "Tantric Sex" mistakes don't count with the Child Support Agency. Every time he has a shave it takes him 3 times longer than anybody else, because he is effectively playing "Crazy Golf" with a razor, and using his face as the potting green. Motto is "I'm NOT a virgin, but I'll be real quick...just for you"
Most similar film character..ANYTHING with acne..."Baldrick" from "Black Adder" for the UK of us here
Gum....Also well suited for her current job as a "Checkout Chick" at the local supermarket. One better than "Fries" she looks good in her uniform, can count to 22 when topless, has an allergy to anyone less than 10 years older than her, relies on the Child Support Agancy to ensure she WON'T get pregnant. She has the ability to discuss intimate sexual diseases at work with the girl on the next till, while passing your unwrapped groceries past her "magic eye", all the while chewing gum and picking the inside of her nose from the back. To listen to her expoits, it is only a matter of time before she swaps "Witchcraft" for "Itchcraft". She has been known to spend three hours putting her make up on with a shovel before work, thus tying up the only bathroom in the house, causing her father to wet himself on the 7.56 to Waterloo because his bladder was full from the 27 pints of lager from the night before. Motto is "Put the bloody nightie down if you've finished!"
Most similar film character..ANY female that works in ANY supermarket in the world that is under 18
Flower..Current position.."Between Jobs". A true Pagan, they are WELL in touch with both their sides, feminine and masculine... to the point where they can stand for hours in front of the public toilets, trying to decide which one to use (and has been arrested on two seperate occasions while making his mind up). Has twice as much chance of a date at the weekend as the rest of us. Uses the dripping Coven candle wax to do his legs while skyclad in the circle, claimimg he "hates waste", and the sexual arousal sometimes displayed scares ALL members, male or female! Motto... "If it's not on, it's not in"
Most similar character..Liberace???
The "Circle Adventure" continues next month..be sure to catch the next "true life" episode
From the deadly serious pen of Kaizen the Inept Adept
High Priestess Ceeli (As Above, So BELLOW!)
The Maiden Big Bertha
The Consort (Big Bertha's "Catch of the Day" Eric)
Two 2nd level Initiates..Mr and Mrs "Knob Hill"
Two 1st level Initiates..Mr and Mrs Grundy (names for real as they deserve everything they get
Three Neophytes..whom I shall call "Fries" (He), "Gum"(She) and "Flower" (Not Sure).
And last but not least "Salem"...THE Covenstead cat.
Most similar film character...The "Headmaster" in "Porkys,Porky2, and Porkys3
Most similar film character...
Mizz Ballbreaker (see above)/Hotlips in M.A.S.H.
