First my newest lesson.....when lighting a ciggerrette pay attention!!
This month I was concentrating on a chat in a chatroom (as you do), while lighting up....I misjudged the distances and set light to my face!! Up until this month I wore a full beard and moustache but alas no more!! Acting with incredible speed (for a man of my age) I beat out the flames before they spread to my eyebrows, but not before I lost the greater part of the left hand side of a very respectable english style moustache and Grizzly Adams type beard!!
After 2 minutes when I dared to open my eyes the cat was sitting on the arm of the chair giving me a very quizical look that said "Why did you do that then??" and "What does F!!K AARRGGH GERROFF OMPH EEK mean??".
Then as the aroma of scorched hair permiated the air it started sniffing and giving me a look that said "Dont you EVER complain when I use the kitty litter tray again!!....I never smell this bad!!"
Not panicking (I had an important interview two hours later) I went to shave off the remains with my brand new electric razor (a birthday present from Cerri), only to start shaving, get into a thick tangle of beard and have the razor die on me...wrapping its 96 little circular cutting blades inextricable around 96 hairs the tensile strength of which is similar to steel piano wire...so there I am, half burnt with a razor stuck to my face that wont let go, and an interview in less than 90 minutes!!..Now I decide to read the instructions (I am 37, didnt bother, I know how to use a razor ..LOL), what do I see "CHARGE FOR 16 HOURS BEFORE USE"......AAARRRGGGHHH!!
Destiny dictates that I have to have a razor stuck to me for 16 hours??.... Now I'm starting to panic......I ride a motorcycle, and helmets aren't designed to be worn with razors!! At which point the cat saunters into the bathroom and says "Why have you got a razor stuck to your face??" and "Have you been eating my catnip again, you're acting really strange today" and sits down just out of kick range, knowing to within the millimetre exactly how far I can move while restrained by 96 little blades round 96 little hairs via the razor and flex to the the shaving plug socket in the wall.
While pondering the situation the cat slowly gets up, saunters to the bathroom door (staying just out of range all the while), pauses and looks round with that arrogant air that only cats and wheel clamp operatives can truelly muster and says "How about burning it off??...Get your ciggarrettes and lighter shall I??".
I will close this sorry tale by saying the cat is now aware of The Law of Kinetics, namely a wet, rolled and flicked towel really stings when it clips the arse!!, And it looked really funny as it tried to run on the wet lino starting with its back legs, it kinda fell over on its face and looked like Bambi on ice as it tried to pick itself up in a hurry!! Thing is it never did come back with my lighter!!
