My whole life changed on July 25th, 2002. I found that I am just a fragile shell of a person, having been touched by the reality of death, the passing of my best friend in all the world, my grandpa, my Paps. Paps was such a loving and passionate man. He never spoke unkindly of any person, no matter if that person had done him wrong in the past. He taught me so much: laughter, love, joy, finding peace in the smallest of life's wonders. But most of all, he taught me about being honest and to be a good person to those around me.

I've never really been touched closely with the passing of a loved one, so I don't know whether or not the emotions I am feeling right now are 'normal' for grieving. Is it alright for me to laugh because I am so tired of shedding tears? What happens when the tears stop? Will the tears ever stop? Will the tears ever come again after a long, dry spell? What do I do with this numb feeling that makes me feel so frozen inside? Will I ever be able to look at a sunflower again and not weep silently, afraid other people will see me and look at me funny? These are only the tip of the countless of questions that have been swirling around in my mind since the day Paps was called to the clouds above.

I've always been the one to provide the support for others around me who have lost a loved one, a special someone that's close to the heart. I've been the one to grab for the tissues and wipe away tears, provided strong shoulders to be leaned upon, to bring out the smiles when the days seem so dark and dreary. Now, I am in those shoes, wondering if the tears will ever stop, and if the sun will ever shine in my life once more. How am I supposed to ask for support and assistance if I have never been in this position before? Will people see me as someone weak, who can't just 'get over things' and 'move on with living' since he's no longer here, and I am? I've been lost in a haze, a fog, a dream that doesn't seem real, one that I have to wake up from and know that all is right with the world. But, I know that denying what has taken place will do no good but place more pain and heartache upon me, and I can't do that to myself. Paps wouldn't want for me to experience that. He would want for me to go on with living, to remember all of the times we shared secret jokes, shared special smiles, and laughed at the special things only a grandfather and his granddaughter understand and appreciate. He would want me to find the smiles and laughter again, to not hide within the shadows, but dance in the light of a new dawn day. I miss him so very much, and hope that I can make just a minute contribution to the world that he made. I love you Paps, so very much, and miss you beyond words.