The song you hear is How Can I keep from singing van Enya
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we selected it specially for Benjamin
The lyrics are on the bottom of the pageAnd if any words are written wrong please let me know then I will correct them
Our Little Angel Benjamin
19-04-2001 ~~~~ *19-04-2001
Where shall I begin ……..at the beginning I guess
November Last year (2000 ) we found out I was pregnant
How could that be the doctors told me I could never receive without doctors help and because we both had HIV test we did not use protection, Wrong I was pregnant ………that was a big scare I mean we loved each other but we were in the beginning of our relation.......... but an abortion was not both our style After a lot of talking we new it for sure this was a gift for both of us so ‘we’ were pregnant and we began to realize there was a small person growing inside me
but it wasn’t a pregnancy like in the books from the beginning I lost blood and tissue but the ultrasounds were fine the baby became bigger and it looked fine
Until week 16
We were just back from a holiday and I had the feeling something was not right So we went to the hospital and they made an ultrasound I was right the baby was placed very low in my uterus and the doctor advised us to make a appointment with our GP as soon as possible
On the day of the appointment I was out of bed early and went to the toilet and what I felt made my heart stop I didn’t’ want to look because I was afraid the baby would be in there
My boyfriend woke up and came into the bathroom and his face told me enough there was so much blood and tissue that could never be right
After a fooncall we went to the hospital I thought we had lost our baby , But no strangely he was alright and our GP wanted me to stay in hospital and so 8 weeks of in and out the hospital began sometimes loosing more and sometimes loosing less blood For my boyfriend it was not easy because even if I was home I had to stay in bed and was not allowed to do anything, but he never complained and without his love I could not have done this he was great, did his job, housework, shopping and loved me like never before
The first week I was in hospital we talked about asking if we were having a boy or a girl and after a while we decided we wanted to know so we asked our GP if he could see what gender the baby was, and we got our answer we were having a boy. We were very happy and soon we found his name it would be Benjamin and that’s what we called him when we talked about him ….our Ben We made plans fore the future because even if I was in hospital it looked like everything would be alright
we bought a pram, a crib bought some baby clothes and stuffed animals and looked for a bigger house
And Ben ………yeah Ben grew bigger everyday and let us know everyday that he was there , he was a very busy baby it felt like he was doing aerobics and telling us don’t worry I am fine
On the 18th of April 2001 ( I was home once again ) we had an appointment with our GP and he said it looks like he is loosing amniotic fluid and he thought maybe there was a rip in my amniotic sac, So he made an appointment in Utrecht for us te next day to make an special ultrasound On the 19th of April 2001 we went to Utrecht ,And had to wait our turn.
After a While I could not sit anymore because of the wooden chairs I thought, The lady of the receptions came back because something went wrong with the administration at the counter and suddenly I got heavy pains who came and went
I did not want to think about it but Yves did
contractions….I didn’t want to because I was 24 weeks and Benjamin would not survive if he was born now. But my contractions became worse and after one hour a had 4 cm dilation and his foot was already hanging out ……it was gone happen I was in labor
My contractions were short and heavy and without Yves I would not have survived it he was my knight in shining amour I only saw him and I guess he saw the fear in my eyes ……we were gone lose our baby he was to small and could never survive ………………………………….
After 2 hours I had full dilation and had to push….But it hurt and I heard myself saying no I will not it hurts ……Yves said come on Marian push you have to and something inside me said ok that’s what you want you Can get it , and where I got the strength I don’t know but I pushed and the GP was just in time to catch Benjamin because he came out with so much speed
And then all the pain and fatigue was gone I wanted to know only one thing how is Benjamin and then we heard this soft cry what a surprise we will never forget how that sounded, our son was born and the Doctors took him to see how he was doing we only could wait until they would return with te diagnoses
After a few minutes that looked like hours the doctor came in and as we saw her face we knew it was not good ………our fears became truth Benjamin could not survive his longs were not enough developed he was born to early
They gave us the choice put him on respiration and he had 5% changes to survive and if he survives he will be severely handicapped
All of my body was crying put him on the machine, but in our heart we knew we had to choose for him not for us and so the doctors left us to make the most difficult choice in our life
But both of us knew we had to do what was best for Benjamin and that was no treatment, They put him in a incubator beside my bed and we could hold him as much as we wanted and so began hours of sadness because we had to say goodbye and joy because he was such a beautiful baby to hold He was a fighter because also with 100% oxygen it was difficult for him every time he took a breath his chest became half the size en he would produce a small sound like he was gasping for air 5 full hours he fought and as his oxygen tank was empty and the nurse had to give him another one we saw that it was time to let him go
And slowly he stopped breathing and after he was in his daddy’s arms his heart gave up and he had left us forever ….It looked as if he was sleeping peaceful and beautiful
Then the nurse asked us if we wanted to take him home and we did not know how to respond ……….she said talk about it and again we had to make a decision we did not want to make
But after talking about it we were sure Ben dissevered it to be taken home and so that night we went home with our Ben beautiful dressed by the nurse in a beautiful basket and began for us a time of making funeral arrangements
We had a lot of support from friends those days and we found out that a lot more people thought about us then we knew
On the 25th of April we said goodbye and the evening before we told each other we would like to keep him a bit longer so we could see and hug him
But it was time to say goodbye and on the morning of the funeral we and some of our friends came together in the funeral parlor and the CD we bought specially for Benjamin played on the background it was Shepherds moon from ENYA
When it was time to go Yves and me closed his basket ,the song How Can I keep from singing played and jeroen from the funeral home took his basket away
And now …..now its time to mourn and if there is one thing I know its that Yves and me came closer together he is my knight in shining Armour and the love of my life
daddy and Benjamin
Benjamin at home in his crib
mama and Benjamin
at the funeral
at the funeral
I have made a special award for little angelsites. Do you have a little angel let me know by mail or in my guestbook and I will visit your site
The Poem we put on his card it was written by me
Dag grote, kleine man
Al in mijn buik hielden we van jou
Je vader trots als een pauw
Want in mijn buik daar zat jij
Toen nog niet wetend hij of zij
Maar toen we hoorde het is een jongen
Was het of onze harten zongen
En lang zag het eruit dat je vol zou houden
Dat kleine manneke dat al woonde in ons hart
Maar helaas het heeft niet zo mogen zijn
Afscheid hebben we van je moeten nemen
Dag Benjamin, Dag grote kleine man
Een laatste kus een laatste knuf
In ons hart leef je voor eeuwig
Papa en mama
How Can I Keep From Singing?
-----ENYA-------
My life goes on in endless song
above earth's lamentations,
I hear the real, though far-off hymn
that hails a new creation.
Through all the tumult and the strife
I hear its music ringing,
It sounds an echo in my soul.
How can I keep from singing?
While though the tempest loudly roars,
I hear the truth, it liveth.
And though the darkness 'round me close,
songs in the night it giveth.
No storm can shake my inmost calm,
while to that rock I'm clinging.
Since love is lord of heaven and earth
how can I keep from singing?
When tyrants tremble in their fear
and hear their death knell ringing,
when friends rejoice both far and near
how can I keep from singing?
In prison cell and dungeon vile
our thoughts to them are winging,
when friends by shame are undefiled
how can I keep from singing?
Benjamin's Gifts
December 14th Little angelsday all over the world this candle was given to him by a dear friend its burning for Benjamin and all little angels from all over the world
Made for Benjamin* By Hetty thank you sweetie
This dutch poem was made by a lovely ladie called Marianne thank you sweetheart is good we found you again
Made By LadyJ
Given by a Dutch little angelssite
Thank you Caroline you made me very happy with this
Thank you Christa aka Golden Heart
Benjamin's Links
Benjamin is a little Butterfly in this garden
Benjamin has a little cloud on this site
Thank you sweet Julienne for the invitation
This is one of Benjamin's Dutch angelfriends Her Name is Debby*
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