Episode 12

(Faster, higher, stronger: there are the words most live by in all walks of life. The desire to achieve an even greater and more elusive destiny pushes most to go to any length to improve themselves. Those who are seen as achieving these goals are gods in their own right, while those who do not watch in awe and splendor at even the youngest of superstars. It is this balance of the haves and have-nots that Britney relies on to herd her sheep. In fact, it was Britney who cast out the impure, chemical-fueled monsters who only cared about money and fame and replaced them with those who played for love of the game, the best of the best earning the prize of eternal comfort in Britney’s arms as sportscasters and autograph signing icons once their playing days are over. These days, all compete in some level as children. It’s part of the daily life. A good Channel 1 parent will hang a football over the crib of each baby boy and a soccer ball over the crib of each girl in hopes that they may become the next great sports hero in this country. In high school the athletes are treated as immortals. No one misses a football game in any town on a Friday night in the fall; it’s about the only time of the year where Channel 1’s ratings go down to almost human levels. Britney knows this passion for sports and uses it not only to attract her own people, but those abroad as well, and this is what fuels her desire for international competition. The arrogance and indolence of America had left it way behind in international competition years before Britney, and in reality America has not made great strides. However, American victory or at least Americans getting close enough for the announcers to cry foul is enough to fill hours and hours of programming for two weeks across all 10 channels. As a bonus, thanks to Britney’s feathered grandfather, she enjoys exclusive rebroadcast rights to all Olympic programming, allowing her act to go global and bringing forth many new lands and new citizens. Since 2008 the Olympics had been retargeted to Britney and the 500’s will. The 2010 Winter Games were in Vancouver as planned, where the mass emigration afterward created mass panic in Canada and led to the Treaty of Manitoba. 2012 was moved to New York and shrank the Asylum state to just the city and its surrounding islands. Be it Moscow or London, wherever the Olympics have landed, Britney has stayed behind. It is the one time that Britney begins to look beautiful even to the staunchest of opponents. If she wanted to she could likely take over the whole world in two weeks, but she would rather not carry the burden, just use it to move the 500’s products into the global marketplace and keep the other countries of the world her defiant teenage sons, angry and violent at her, but completely dependent on her for food, shelter and clothing. We are now in the offices of Dorman Computers where we see O’Reilly, Dorman and Britney with a young woman wearing nothing but a skimpy green and yellow bikini and matching high heels. She has the smile of an actress as she stands on a platform with cameras and scanners all around her.)

Dorman: Ready to commence icon scanning. Her Portuguese will melt slowly into Spanish, unifying the South American countries before she shifts to English as she tightens her grip.

Britney: Hey, guys, can you show SOME morality? I wear more than that when I’m supposed to be naked!

Dorman: Brazil has been exhibitionist for a long time. It’s warm down there. This is to them what your outfits are to America. Your sister will show them the way, don’t worry.

Britney: Yeah, and I like a new sister. I mean, do they even need me with that giant statue of Jesus they have on their highest mountain? That WILL be her home, right?

O’Reilly: Of course, dear. Brazil is ripe for the taking and the Olympics will be the perfect launch. We’ll start them off listening to you to make sure that in the end your sister will bring all those papists to you. We wouldn’t want her to become a competitor like MOSES turned out to be.

Britney: Smart daddy! (giggles)

Dorman: There, finished loading in her images and messages. I’ve calibrated her circuits to be ready for an immediate launch after the Olympics. In fact, she will be alive and singing starting the 2nd week. You’ll just be giving her voice lessons, Brit, then her full image should be visible right after the closing ceremonies.

Britney: Well, hiiiiiiii, my sister…hmmm…Something Spanish but yet like me. I know, Maria!

Dorman: Perfect choice, Brit, to name her after the mother of our Lord. Now to ship off the mobile parts to Brazil and- oh yeah. We have the 10 command couples ready for you whenever you wanna welcome them.

Britney: You try giving birth to 20 kids at once one day! Send them in to meet their dear aunt Britney!

(In walk 10 men and women from Brazil, already blonde and in various skimpy green and yellow outfits. Britney smiles and begins a striptease for her sister’s first puppets as the scene shifts to New York where Ames looks on with great concern but only calls in Whitey.)

Ames: I got a call from an operative in Victoria, BC. They recovered the body of one of Britney’s actresses from the ocean.

Whitey: Britney trying to hide the fact that she can’t control her own obsessed fans?

Ames: No, if it were a case of someone snapping and shooting one of her own, we would have known every second of every day until Britney finally had spent enough time bawling about losing one of her own. You saw how bad things got when we killed that insignificant reporter who was being tortured by the wolves. You’d think we shot the President. No, this one seems to have died somewhat naturally, like Britney cut off her signals and her body just shut down.

Whitey: Now why would they do something like that unless it was some old Channel 3 person who was on their last legs anyway?

Ames: The girl couldn’t have been older than 19! And she wasn’t white. She was Brazilian. If it wasn’t fishing season, this would have gone unnoticed. No, from what I can tell, this girl is more alive than ever.

Whitey: What?

Ames: I was worried about something like this. I think they’re building a new supercomputer for South America using this year’s Olympics.

Whitey: How can you be so sure?

Ames: My men have been tracking Dorman for a while. He always was the one who wanted to kill the earthly Britney. I was chased off in part because of his intentions. He felt that it would be irreversible if someone recognized the earthly and imperfect form of the icon, so to quickly bury them would be key. He was a smart man but never thought of the human side.

Whitey: Why the past tense?

Ames: Dorman’s been dead about as long as Esther, if you get my meaning. It’s his thoughts that make up Britney’s technical know-how. Dorman now is just basically a pair of hands and a set of tools for whenever Britney needs repair or is breeding a sister. Besides that, he left his calling card.

(Ames pulls out a gold necklace with what looks like a flying B in the shape of the old “Open Doors” program logo.)

Whitey: Dorman wanted to sell Britney as an operating system like he did with CARTER.

Ames: He was a good businessman, I’ll say that. He even allowed his competitor Granny Smith the entire digital music category if he could just sell Britney as a product. Todd should be happy to know that Natalie was not the first N stage victim, just the first one that was done in a controlled environment, proving that this could be manipulated into something useful and not just be a freak accident.

Whitey: So the Olympics will be a front to take over South America. But we knew that already. That’s why we’re going there next week.

Ames: Not like this, son. A clone of Britney that she can slowly bend into her own image would be crushing. No more need for an asylum state and the level of religious fanaticism that already exists there would be a perfect place to set up homosexual death camps.

Whitey: I get it, her signal would be close enough that it would grab those not already hers.

Ames: No human is strong enough to resist two Britneys that close to each other.

Whitey: We better let Todd know.

Ames: No. He would try to launch a full assault on Washington too early. He thinks because the Blue Jays are winning on the road that somehow he has produced a weakness when nothing could be further from the truth. In fact the light loosening of Britney’s grip is the one thing making me this confident in Britney building a sister. She’d have to program actors and actresses using a foreign language, she had to take time out to have Dorman recreate her circuitry, and she’d have to find a proper launch site, not to mention secure the infrastructure of Brazilian media, which shouldn’t be that hard. It’s always been a slightly out of whack operation since day one.

Whitey: Oh, man, now I understand. But if this is true, what means do we have to stop it? You know how big Hollywood is now. I’d almost agree with Todd, destroying the government is the only way.

Ames: It takes almost all your resources to launch something as big as Britney. If it failed, Britney would be ripe for the taking. As it is now, it would be suicide.

Whitey: I understand. So I take it we have our own agenda in Brazil?

Ames: Yeah, let them fight on the ground while we attack the center. And one more thing, make sure it’s televised. I’ll take care of that little tidbit.

(The scene shifts to West Side Stadium, home of the Mets. Their old stadium in Queens is now used for their AAA farm team as a tourist trap for those looking for the Yankees; they instead end up in the home of the Flushing Toilets (complete with turd mascot designed years before Britney by the team’s affiliate owners, rude rebel comics who revel in free speech just a little too much). Todd is visiting the Blue Jays, who are in town, having just completed a 3 game sweep of the Mets in interleague play. Todd sits with Klem in the dugout after the game.)

Klem: I can’t believe it. We are above .500 on the road. Things are being called fair. What is going on? Your work must be helping. Although these new fans from Westchester are crazier than the Red Sox fans!

Todd: A small shift in power. Don’t underestimate your role in this. For a revolution to be effective the masses have to see their ways on television or it will be all for naught. They will seek out a computer whiz, build Britney version 2.0, perhaps call it Jessica or Paris this time, and be right back where they wanted to be. For you to defeat America and show how fat and out of control it has gotten will be the biggest step for us.

Klem: I tell my players that every day. What more can we do to help, aside from keeping our closer in the closet?

Todd: No, be as open as you can. I mean have your catcher come out to the mound and kiss the pitcher after each strikeout. Show your true affection and they will not be able to ignore it.

Klem: Exactly. I mean, our closer is straight. He pretended to be gay to get out of the country. He is fueled by vengeance for his family. He made no secret of it, especially not with his wife around. I’m not so gay as to not know that he picked a good one, good fashion sense and even helps the boys decorate the clubhouse.

Todd: When the time is right, most likely in October, he is the story we need to hear. I have a media link now. One of my goals is to set up his company here to explain things when Britney dies.

Klem: You mean Aaron Ames? Nice enough guy, but don’t think he wouldn’t build a Britney clone if he could.

Todd: He’s too old to worry about that. But I do have him on a short leash.

Klem: Good idea! Remember he used to own a baseball team. Always beware of leaders who owned baseball teams.

Todd: Don’t I know it. Now off to plan our trip to Brazil.

Klem: The Olympics? I would be careful, the government needs South America badly.

Todd: I always am careful.

(The scene now shifts to Todd’s office where everyone is gathered for the plans for Brazil.)

Todd: We’ve located some of our people ready to break out. Dee, you have the contacts with the other teams ready to take them in.

Dee: Well, aside from the Germans. I’m not that into rough sex. Helen, on the other hand…

Helen: Yep, all ready to go on that front. What, Dee? If I really slept with those brutes, don’t you think my arm would be able to be around your waist?

Dee: I guess not. (kisses Helen)

Terrell: And I got plenty of pot ready to go.

Bouchard: And team Canada has never looked finer. We are ready to earn some medals that the Americans can’t ignore.

Whitey: Meanwhile we are ready to sabotage Channel 1’s mobile efforts.

Ames: Which, with a 100ft Jesus already standing, is most needed.

Todd: Good. Now, the plan is this: we find someone breaking out, we take them in, we make sure they speak around Ashlee- which is all but destroyed by this point- and we make a run for it to raise new soldiers for the takeover. Also, wherever you can, if you can easily and discreetly sabotage American athletes, do it. The fewer medal threats the US has, the less Channel 1 has to whine about.

Helen: Sounds like a plan. The weaker they see themselves, the stronger rebellion looks.

Todd: Exactly, and winning gold for Canada just keeps Bouchard happy.

(The scene shifts to the opening ceremonies, complete with mindless commentary from Channel 1- and a captive worldwide audience. Britney’s presence is felt from the instance when the torchbearer, a girlish-looking soccer legend, lights the torch…with himself- to massive cheers and not noticed by anyone on the field except for the rebels.)

Helen: They just launched a worldwide James E. project and no one, not even the Germans, is saying boo.

Dee: Relax, they made it hard to see from down here and no one dares look at the scoreboard video board. Or they just wrote it off as more Channel 1 garbage.

Ames: Passivity is the first stage of conversion! Come on, Whitey, we have work to do, and lots of it.

(Ames and Whitey head to the tunnel where Ames stops midway.)

Ames: It’s worse than I thought. They’ve been using the 10 channel system for a few weeks at least. They’re just not fully converted to the new computer’s system. They need a unifier, something that brings them to the American way and away from the Brazilian way of life, which has to be something familiar enough to grab attention but uniquely American. Becky used cricket matches that really were baseball games. Took off like wildfire and ended England.

Whitey: Well, is there anything that ISN’T soccer in this country?

Ames: No soccer moms…Wait, the U.S women’s soccer team has never lost since Britney took over, right?

Whitey: Right, so they wouldn’t…would they?

Ames: I wouldn’t put anything past them.

Whitey: But beneath all the programming, there is still a will to win, right? That’s why the defeating America on the field plan will work so well.

Ames: By this point I don’t know, but I do know that the signals are stronger than ever. She will have more than South America if things go to plan. And I think we’re playing into her trap. The sexiest women are always the most vindictive. Some things never change.

Whitey: Right, but I’m still not making sense of this. Britney is trying to take over the world by making America weaker?

Ames: Just long enough to get her sister singing to South America. Also notice how many BBC trucks are here, as many as channel 1.

Whitey: Of course! She’s got Becky trying to finish off Europe. So where do we attack first?

Ames: Where else would you house a new Christian brainwashing machine but a 100 ft tall Jesus? But first, we need to find her Hollywood, otherwise destroying her transmitter will be as effective as blowing up a satellite. They’ll just put up a new one twice as fast and use the destruction of the first as a rallying point against terror.

(Whitey notices the American soccer team boarding their bus early)

Whitey: Why would the most darling and interview friendly team of the US be leaving the opening ceremonies early?

Ames: Your hunch is right. Follow them.

(Ames and Whitey grab a cab and follow the bus to what looks like a movie theatre. O’Reilly and Dorman greet the team at the door.)

Ames: This is bad. We’re outnumbered and you really don’t want to risk exposure to hyperprogramming.

Whitey: You mean...

Ames: Only way Britney can get even as devout followers as they are to throw a game. To be fair, I think you know how many female sportscasters started on that team, so it’s nothing new. They’re just starting early.

Whitey: And I take it Britney’s sister has her first playthings made out of the Brazilian squad.

Ames: One would think so. Note those writers are not all Brazilian. Hell, one appears to be Argentine!

Whitey: And I thought the one good thing Britney did was end rigged sports when she banned pro wrestling.

Ames: Of course they leave the back door open. We can’t save anyone in there, but we can make sure more aren’t made.

(The two enter and they see the US team ferried into one of the theatres while the other one seems to be sealed off and is strangely unguarded.)

Ames: Mainframe room, for maintenance and coding purposes. It’s safe to enter. Some even have a deep dialogue with Britney and still keep most of their own minds. Well, until they decide to make you theirs, but someone hyperprogrammed by the mainframe is different. They lead the actors and actresses, like the Open Doors system of Britney. They make up the studio bosses who hire the writers and producers, and by now most of the 500 are also like this. Besides, I want you to observe something.

(Ames enters a passcode and the door flies open)

Ames: That was my security clearance from 2007. Remember that. Nothing has changed since Britney took command.

(They enter and they see the Brazilian team, coaches and all, all blonde and staring at Maria, eyes completely glazed over before sliding shut at the sound of her song.)

Ames: Took long enough! From as ragged as they look, I’d say 4 weeks of exposure. They’re loading this system fresh, ‘cause I’m pretty sure these are the first actresses the new system has taken. The others Britney most likely had first. You see, I know this system pretty well. I’ve lost enough operatives to it, but they all took detailed notes, most of them even recoverable. I’ve pieced together the system pretty well to know its ins and outs, and it went well beyond what I helped build. But all you need is, yes, the 3rd soundboard. Even on the mainframe it’s the same, except that Britney- or her sister, in this case- can adjust it automatically.

(Ames pulls out his gun and shoots the 3rd soundboard before we hear Maria screaming and the two men make a break for it.)

Ames: Out the back. Take that car!

(The two hop into a car and speed off unchased)

Ames: It’s amazing, after all of this time, they still can’t do a car chase until the media is lined up and we are...

Whitey: Miles away.

Ames: Now I’m gonna help you find Jesus. Don’t look at me like that, son, the one up there, not way up there.

Whitey: Ohhh, right.

Ames: I’ll have AIS set up camp there. Knowing those morons at Channel 1, they’ll play right into AIS’ hands. Now all you have to do is hook up these transmitters to all the scoreboards in the venues.

Whitey: Gonna jam Channel 1’s signal?

Ames: Yep. And now you can get that darling queer couple and the stoner to help you. Just don’t tell Todd, he needs to execute his plan for mine to work, and if he knows this one, he’ll botch the other for certain.

(Whitey runs off to get the others and hook up the transmitters while Ames looks at the large stone Jesus.)

Ames: Lord, I apologize in advance for what I am about to do, but you know that in war sometimes poor decisions have to be made for the good of all. I ask for your forgiveness and remind you that I only do this for the betterment of all. Amen.

(Ames summons over his AIS crew who have snuck down from Canada and New York and they attach wires and cables to the giant Jesus before hiding in the woods. A Channel 1 truck and construction crew gets to work building a transmitter tower right behind the Jesus)

Channel 1 Foreman: Ok, guys, remember damaging the son of God is a sin, so build behind Him!

(The week passes and the stories of the athletes unfold in ways that can be told in stories unto themselves. The day arrives for the finals in women’s track and soccer. As scripted, the final is U.S. vs Brazil and the two teams of actresses play to a tightly scripted draw through 90 minutes while Andréa is finishing her run toward the Giant Jesus. Inside the stadium Todd and Terrell are confused.)

Todd: Where is she going? We need her here!

Terrell: I dunno, man, I think she’s gone to find salvation elsewhere. I’ll see if Whitey can slow her down.

Todd: You do that.

Terrell: Yes, Sir.

(Dee walks over with Helen and can tell Todd is concerned.)

Todd: Our plan hasn’t worked well. The US has been losing left and right, and I mean not medaling! They’ve been awful and are 5th in the medal count and no one seems to care. And the host country doesn’t seem to be doing well either, so any globalization concerns are gone.

Dee: We can only hope for the best. New York is raising armies and we should have a million men. I just heard back from the mayor’s office. People are pouring in from everywhere.

Todd: I think I missed a point somewhere. As a soldier, when you feel your flank unprotected, it’s the most unsettling feeling anyone can have. I feel that more than ever right now.

Dee: Faith is not for those who could not be saved, it is that those who are saved do so in a way that is fruitful. Channel 1 speak, I know, but it is not the believers who are bad, it is the people who twist their belief to kill, as with any authoritarian in history. I don’t think even the world sees that.

(All of a sudden the scoreboards come to life with the women’s soccer score.)

Todd: Oh, damn, here we go with the soccer darlings winning again.

(We see a Brazilian hit the winning goal and the stadium in a near riot of joy as she celebrates in the way women soccer players always have since the previous century. Suddenly the soccer players show up in a different way, one all too familiar to the rebels)

Announcement: REJOICE IN YOUR SALVATION! And just watch us now, the new force in entertainment, the 10 channel family choice, protected entertainment for your whole family…

Dee: Oh my God, no.

Helen: That fucking bitch had KIDS, FUCK!!!!

Dee: A Latin American Britney to take over Latin America.

(Meanwhile Andréa is running up to the peak and gives her speech {from “Race Against the Machine”} before running away and being stopped by Ames.)

Andréa: Who are you?

Ames: Foreign press, Aaron Ames, from the Ames Information Service. Why did you just renounce God and America?

Andréa: America is not God and God is not America. Wait, what country are you with?

Ames: New York.

Andréa: Can I get a visa there?

Ames: We’ll fly you home, on us.

(The scene shifts back to the stadium, where the Channel 1 Brazil launch is going full force there and across South America. A huge “Maria” chant is heard despite her name not being uttered on the tape.)

Todd: We better retreat before things get too out of hand.

(Suddenly he hears Ames on his radio)

Ames: Whitey, NOW!

Announcement: The way of our Lord will always and forever now be protected with our saintly pope Boniface V running to become our sovereign leader. Yes, now let’s all see the one and only view of faith, the CHANNEL 1 WAY…

(The scene suddenly cuts to a picture of the Giant Jesus.)

Andréa’s Voice: What good are you, if all you do is let people believe lies?

(With that fire is seen on the mountain as the giant Jesus explodes and the tower is destroyed, causing all televisions to go out all over the world except in America.)

Dee: Ummm…

Todd: AMES!!!

Helen: Hello, RIOT! Hello, American God! GET OUT OF HERE!

(Everyone meets up at the airport with Andréa, and they fly back to New York.)

Todd: What the HELL, Ames?

Ames: Britney had a sister built, that’s why you were winning. She was spending her time building her. And, well, she ended up stillborn.

Terrell: Todd, the world was goin’ under. People were giving up hope and letting Britney into their lives. Look at the past month since the wolves were killed, man. People are repopulating Westchester. Africa is standing up against the apartheid that they had put themselves back under. Look at these, man. Legal letters from heads of government. I may be a stoner, but I also know my law. France has your back. So do China and Germany… hell, even Russia! Some KGB broad killed Stacy for us. Used an AK as a telescopic, but what do you expect from a Russian? Brazil just declared war on the US with allies from all over South America. Those who were dangerously close were made free again. And oh bro, don’t be jealous, listen to the sports talk radio, bro, can’t filter this shit!

Caller: The US has fallen too hard on their butts, they should spend less time at the O’Reilly’s and more time at the gym! I mean, some NEW YORK NUTCASE had to bail our asses out and even she lost!

Host: She was tripped up by an enraged German dyke.

Caller: She still lost. Our soccer team lost to Brazil and are lucky to be alive because they were so fat and slow. I mean, TODD CARTER! Did you see TODD CARTER? He was at the track meet, he was CRYING! He looked like he hadn’t shaved for days he was so distraught! Hell, Katie was so upset she grabbed the first thing in sight, some bald security fellow, short but definitely a guy. They were sick of what this country has become, he saved it. I dunno, man, when Todd Carter says there’s something wrong, there’s something wrong.

Todd: I got on the camera as filtered stuff. So they’ll just run for 2 hours instead of 1 a day, big deal.

Dee: Churches have split. Something broke their optical distortion, they saw YOU, and your appearance scared them. You really should shave more.

Bouchard: The Blue Jays swept the Rockies in an interleague series. The Rockies are protected like no other team in baseball!

Helen: Inverse lesbians are storming across the bridge. The Hudson is flooded with falling bras as they rediscover their desires. Oh, some gay boys too, but I was staring at the ladies more. C’mon, Dee, I saw you “adjust your jeans” at the sight of those two blondes ripping their dresses off, don’t tell ME you weren’t looking! (Dee blushes, but Helen continues.) Yeah, we adjusted them all the way down to your ankles.

Terrell: That shit ain’t nothin’. Jesus, you got mail. Addressed to NYC! THEY KNOW YOU’RE HERE!

Todd: Mississippi, Georgia, California, Seattle… SEATTLE?! Holy cow, I got an army!

Terrell: It was people on the brink. They had no address but the post office by the Garden got em to us. You cracked her and Ames stopped her expansion. Bro, you know what this means.

Todd: The war is upon us! Months ahead of time! We need to ready our troops. TO ARMS! Let Freedom Ring!!!