Birdy-

Hope you're the one who gets to read this, because otherwise we're all in trouble. I don't even know if I got the right address for you- I don't usually write to you this way, you know, with the paper and the pen. What if you can't read it? Oh, man, then you'd call and ask what the hell I wrote to you, and then I'd have to say it, and- but you can read my handwriting, you always could.

I should have told you this a long time ago, back when there was still half a chance it could matter, but I didn't know back then like I know now. I had to learn from the mistakes I made. I gotta live with the choices I've made, sleep in the bed I've made, all of those clichés.

I love you Excuse my pen. I forgot something in there. I still love you. I don't think I ever stopped. I just didn't know it at the time that this was what it was, you know what I'm saying? Of course you know what I'm saying, because you always have. You're the best friend I've ever had, and maybe I was afraid of screwing that up, because obviously you wouldn’t want to talk to me if I broke your heart. Yeah, that was stupid.

I told you a lot of things that were true at the time. Told you it wouldn't work, that I wasn't interested even if I wanted to be, that we were better as friends when you weren't so obviously trying to get in my pants (because, let me tell you, your conversation sucked and your come-on lines were worse), that there wasn't a chance in hell it was going to happen so stop trying. Maybe they're not so true now. I shouldn't say it that way, because then you're going to think I'm leading you on again, when we both know I'm not that stupid. Stop looking at me like that. I said I'm not that stupid, not that I'm not stupid.

Maybe it's already too late. She makes you happy. How long has it been? Three years? Longer? Since you went to Seattle? I was trying not to pay attention. If she makes you happy, what kind of friend would I be to get in the middle of that? You'd hate me. Well, you'd hate me as much as you could, which maybe you already do for all I know. Thin line between love and hate, all those clichés full of shit.

Birdy, I think I screwed up. I think I turned down something I should have taken, even if I didn't want it then, I should have known I'd want it someday. Maybe it's just that I don't want what I have. Grass is greener, you know… why am I thinking in clichés? Got a reason for that in your pretty little head of yours for why I can't think in anything but clichés when I'm talking to you? I know I'm never gonna win a Nobel, but this is pretty bad, even for me.

You want to know the weird thing? The one that's going to make you wonder why I'm writing this in the first place? I've been thinking this for as long as I've been in Phoenix at least. How long is that now, three years? More than that? Depends on how you count, I guess. It was definitely the 2004 season. I remember it from one of the games. I was sitting in the locker room, and it hit me that I wanted to see you naked again. Wasn't like it hit me very hard, because if it had, I would have gone after you then and there- you know I had my chances, maybe because you even gave them to me for all I know. It got me off and on. Man, every time we played each other, you're lucky we were on TV somewhere, because there were days when I just wanted to throw you down on the floor and just fuck you silly, until you were screaming my name and everyone on the court was looking at me like they wanted to be me more than usual.

I think about you all the time, you know. Even when we're not all up in each other's space like in Russia or on that blog, you're on my mind. I see something and it reminds me of you, or I hear a song and it's something new on the radio and I get to thinking you might like it. I wish I'd had it this bad back in college. The fate of the world might have changed, or some shit like that. But you know how I know I got it real bad? Even when I'm with him, I think about you. Somehow he doesn't like when I mention you and the stuff we used to do in school. I think he knows. Hell, maybe he knew before I did. You know how long it takes for me to get things sometimes. Maybe he realized I wasn't… right, me not happy, when does that ever happen?

I'm running on and on and on and on. I should stop. I should cross this out, crumple it up, and work on my three-point shot with it. Not that it needs more work, but what the hell? There are a lot of things I should do, but I wouldn't be me if I did them all. So… yeah. I'm going to do the stupid thing I shouldn't be doing and send this to you, and if I take the time to edit it and cross out the stuff that sounds stupid, I'm going to cross out all the stuff. Besides, it's not like you're not used to me writing or saying everything that passes through my head. You'd probably think there was something wrong with me if it looked like I thought about what I was saying, and then you'd want to know what's wrong, and then we'd get all girly and emotional like some kind of crappy TV-movie. If I'm going to be in a movie with you, it's going to be a buddy comedy, and you can be both the buddy and the love interest. How does that work? Let me know when you get this and go "what the hell is she on now?"

I'm not signing this. I don't need anyone to see who this is from except for you, and if you can't figure out that I'm me, we're going to need to talk about a whole lot of other stuff when you finally call me to ask what the hell I'm on.

~*~

D-

No.

You're not in love with me, and maybe you never were. You're in love with being in love with me. You don't want me. You want the ideal version of me that lives in your head. I'm not her and I never will be, and I'd only break your heart if I tried to be her.

Take a step back for once and do something with your head, not your heart. Look before you leap. Think before you speak. All those clichés. This would be a mistake and somewhere in the back of your head you know it as well as I do.

This is the way things are. You're happy with him, even if you don't want to tell me you are because you think that'll make me come to you. I'm happy with her, happier than I've been in a long time. I'm not rearranging my life for what you think you want.

You say you're in love with me- better get out of it. Do you really want to put our friendship on the line? Oh, they say that happiness is being in love with your best friend, but they lie. You're trying to cross a line that we should never have let blur in the first place, and if you cross that line you'll lose everything we have. Or did you honestly think we could go back like this never happened, like you were never crazy and I was never cruel? Go back to sharing everything? It doesn't work that way. I wouldn't be able to trust you, because I know you'll take that mile if I give you an inch. You wouldn't want to trust me with your heart. Look at us. Look at this. Things are already changing. It's awkward and it's painful, and I don't want it to get any worse than it already is.

I'm not going to fuck this up. I'm not going to let you fuck it up. Maybe it's not too late to save something, but I can't give you what you want of me, and I can't even say I'm sorry.