(Open on a crowded, cluttered living room. The couch that faces stage left is threadbare, clearly second-hand, but the massive TV facing it is state of the art, as are the various peripherals attached to it. Sue and Diana enter stage right, laughing.)

Diana: And Coach's like, "Bollocks to that! Jan shouted once, doesn't mean I listen to a bloody word the old hag says!"

Sue: Aussies, man. Never a dull, sober, or non-profane moment. I swear, AD's probably gotten more gray hairs from LJ than from age.

Diana: As long as you don't run off and tell your bestest friend what I rented for us. She doesn't need to know all the intimate details of our lives, ya know? I'd never hear the end of it from her, either.

Sue: What's my silence worth to you? (Diana kisses her repeatedly.) Okay. That works. Keep that up and I won't say a word to anyone about anything.

Diana: Won't be able to, you mean. You can't resist me. C'mon, sit down, make yourself at home. I'll go nuke the popcorn. How about you start the tape while I'm up- I never saw the point in all that Kansas business anyway, just makes you wonder why Dorothy wanted to go back. Just a momentito, that's all I need.

(She exits downstage left. Sue puts a tape in the VCR and starts it up before flopping back on to the couch, taking the remote with her. She fast-forwards past the legalese and seems ready to skip to the twister, but she stops instead at the sepia-toned opening and stares as if transfixed. The lights flicker on and off. Sue's head falls back against the couch. The lights go out.)

(Scene two. The couch is in darkness, but the rest of the props are gone. Sue is now clad in a blue gingham dress, worn over her white t-shirt, but she doesn't know this. She blinks and rubs her eyes.)

Sue: D? I have a feeling we're not in Phoenix anymore. D? Where are you? Goshdarn it! (She fumbles through the darkened room and bursts into the color and sunshine of Munchkinland.) Oh my. You're kidding me. And the dress. And the picnic basket. My goodness! All I need is Toto!

(She turns to look back at where she exited from and breaks up laughing. The building is a slightly scaled-down version of Gampel Pavilion, and there is a pair of feet sticking out from under it. The socks are striped black and red instead of black and white, and clad in a pair of sneakers. Sue laughs. While she's staring, Diana-as-D enters, wearing a black sweatsuit (or a tee and shorts), along with a headband with ears on it. She moves on all fours until she is behind Sue, then headbutts Sue's legs.)

Sue: Hey, honey, what're you doing down there? (Titters from the scenery, where the Munchkins are hiding.) What was that noise? This is insane! (She puts a hand on D's head, as if drawing strength from her. A moment or two later, the Glinda bubble arrives and lands. CD steps out in the big pink froofy dress, with the big pink crown and her wand- a broomstick with a star stuck on the end of it. Sue starts laughing hysterically. CD ignores her magnificently, instead whispering to a nearby shrubbery that hides a Munchkin. The shrubbery whispers back. CD then takes in the sight of mini-Gampel and the socks, then turns to speak to Sue.)

CD: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Sue: Who, me? (CD nods) Why, I'm not a witch at all! A scold sometimes, sure, but not all the time. Witches are old and ugly, or they run around naked, and I'm not either of those right now. (The Munchkins titter.) What's so funny?

CD: Why, because I am a witch. CD, the Witch of the Northeast. Only wicked witches are ever ugly. But I'm a little muddled. The Wicked Witch of the Big East is under that arena, and you're the only one who could have brought it. Unless... is that the witch? (She points her wand at D, sitting at Sue's feet.)

Sue: D? No, she's my girlfriend, even if she seems to be a little touched in the head at the moment. Jeez, CD, you need to relax.

CD: Well, I suppose if you're not a witch, it's safe for the Munchkins to come out. All right, everyone huddle up! (The Munchkins come out of hiding- pretty much every guard to ever come out of UConn, plus a few post players on their knees.) Let the joyous news now be spread: the wicked old witch at last is dead!

(Dancing, singing and celebrating. Sue winces throughout at the high-pitched voices, and D covers her ears. Just as everyone's about to pile on Sue as if she's hit a halfcourt shot, a piercing cackle interrupts the party, and a ball of orange smoke appears. As it clears, a figure can be seen, in bright orange robes, her face a dreadful bright blue, her glare frighteningly intent- the dreadful Witch of the Southeast.)

Sue: I thought you said she was dead!

CD: That was the Witch of the Big East. This is the Wicked Witch of the Southeast. Keep your conferences straight.

Sue: There seem to be an awful lot of witches in the East.

CD: We're all terribly needed. (She raises her voice and addresses the Witch.) What do you want here? You have no business here.

Witch: Who killed the Witch of the Big East? Was it you? Was it you? (She points at two Munchkins who bear a suspicious resemblance to the Valley sisters.) Or was it you, my pretty? (Her stare turns to Sue.)

Sue: I didn't mean to! I just- the arena came down- It was an accident, I swear!

Witch: Didn't mean to, eh? An accident, eh? Well, my little pretty, I can cause accidents too! (She raises the broomstick high in the air.)

CD: Aren't you forgetting something?

Witch: Of course! The sneakers! (She turns back towards the house and reaches for the socks that once belonged to the Witch of the Big East, but they shrivel up right before her eyes, the sneakers vanishing even as she stares at them.) They're gone! What have you done with the sneakers?

(CD waves her wand at Sue's feet, where the sneakers have appeared. Sue bends over to look at them and seems very impressed.)

Sue: D-IIIs! Score! D, check these out! (She models the sneakers.) Man, these things are nice. They fit perfectly and they're so comfy!

CD: There they are, and there they'll stay.

Witch: Give them back to me! I'm the only one who knows how to use them! They're of no use to you! Give them back to me or I'll-

CD: Or what? You have no power here. Now, begone before someone drops an arena on you as well!

(The Witch looks up anxiously at CD's threat, and is not amused that she was caught doing it.)

Witch: Very well, I'll bide my time. As for you, my little lady, I can't deal with you here and now as I'd like, but I dare you to try to stay out of my way, just try! I'll get you, my pretty, and your little Husky, too! (She backs away, and a cloud of orange smoke, the same color as her robes, envelops her. When it clears, she's gone, but the Munchkins remain huddled on the ground with terror, and Sue is trembling.)

CD: Everyone relax! She's gone, and she won't be coming back. (She turns to Sue.) I'm afraid you've made a bad enemy in the Wicked Witch of the Southeast. She's not the type to forgive or forget. The sooner you're out of here altogether, the safer you'll be.

Sue: Yeah, that would be nice. But how do I get back? I don't even know how I got here in the first place. You've always been good at solving problems, so maybe you could do it?

CD: Oh, I don't have that kind of power. The only one who could help you is the Wizard of Storrs.

Sue: The Wizard of- uh, wait, what happened to "click your heels together three times and say 'there's no place like home'"?

CD: Are you sure you're not a witch? Only a powerful witch would know about that incantation. But it only works if you're completely sure where you have to be.

Sue: Darn my subconscious and its knack for finding plot devices!

CD: You're better off trying to get the Wizard to help you. He's very powerful and very good, but very mysterious. He lives in the far-off city of Storrs, and that's a long journey from here. Did you bring your broomstick, or a good bike?

Sue: No, I'm afraid I didn't think to. (The sarcasm goes unnoticed.)

CD: You'll have to walk, then. You'll need those sneakers. Never take them off, not even for a moment, or you'll be at the mercy of the Wicked Witch, and she has very little of that, I'm afraid.

Sue: But how do I get to Storrs? I can never remember which exit it is off I-95.

CD: Just follow the Yellow Brick Road. (She waves her wand and steps back into her magic bubble, vanishing a few moments later. The Munchkins start the "Follow the Yellow Brick Road" routine.)

Sue: Y'know, D, I should have known that was coming. Let's run for it. (D, who has her hands over her ears, nods, and they take off running down the Yellow Brick Road to the Munchkins' shrill song.)

(Scene three. The Yellow Brick Road branches off in three different directions as Sue and D approach: two go around a cornfield, while one makes a sharp right. Mika, in full Scarecrow garb, hangs on her pole in the cornfield, unnoticed by either of the other characters. Sue tries to read a signpost, but is clearly stymied. She turns to see D sniffing at one of the paths.)

Sue: D! Stop that! Jeeeeeeeez... "Follow the Yellow Brick Road," they said. They didn't mention that every path outside the Munchkin City is paved with yellow brick. How are we supposed to figure out which way to go? Maybe I should go down one and you can go down the other. (D whimpers. Sue absently pets her head until she stops.) Okay, I won't leave you alone. I don't suppose you have any idea which way to go? (D whines and tilts her head.) Right. I'm asking my girlfriend, who knows even less about Oz than I do, and who seems to think she's a dog, for serious advice on how to get somewhere that neither of us has been. I've lost my mind.

Mika: Oh, talking to your dog isn't that bad. Crows are another thing, though. If you start talking to crows, you've really lost it.

Sue (whirling around): Who said that? Great. I'm lost and I'm hearing voices. What's next, the men in the white coats?

Mika: In this weather? White jackets, maybe, but not full coats.

Sue: What the- (D sits back and stares at Mika.) Oh, don't be silly, D, scarecrows can't talk.

Mika: Maybe someone should have told me that.

Sue: You- you really did talk!

Mika: It's not like I have anything better to do in this field. I don't scare the crows anymore. They don't even pay attention to me. I keep trying to tell them about good music, but they don't want to listen. They don't take me seriously. Maybe if I had a brain...

Sue: Oh no, you don't! I recognize a song cue when I hear one! (She races into the cornfield, D hot on her heels, and puts a hand over Mika's mouth.) Why, you're made of straw!

Mika: Are the scarecrows where you come from made out of something else?

Sue: Are you sure you need a brain? You already seem to be a real wiseguy.

Mika: I'm sure of it. Everyone says so.

Sue: Well, if everyone says so, it must be true. (Another ignored flyover by the sarcasm plane.) Okay, you know what? I bet the Wizard of Storrs could hook you up. If he can get me back to Phoenix, I'm sure getting you a brain would be a cinch for him. C'mon.

Mika: Gee, I'd love to, but I'm stuck on this stupid pole. If I could reach back and bend down the nail that keeps me tied on, I might slide down, but I can't do that. (Sue gets the hint and bends the nail down. Mika comes sliding down the pole, landing in an undignified heap. Some straw slops out, but she doesn't seem to notice it.) Ohhh, that feels wonderful. I haven't been down from there since I was constructed. Thank you so much!

Sue: No problem. I was glad to do it. Oh! You've lost some straw!

Mika: Thanks for the heads-up. (She picks it up and shoves it down her shirt, shaping it appropriately as she goes.) Ah, that's better. I was getting a little out of shape up there anyway.

Sue: Doesn't that hurt?

Mika: No, not at all. I don't really feel pain, unless it's from a lighted match.

Sue: Fair warning, though. I've got a wicked witch mad at me, and she might lash out at you if she sees you with me.

Mika: For a brain, I'd risk a battalion of witches. Just make sure your dog behaves itself and we'll be fine.

Sue: She's not- oh, never mind. Don't worry. She's housebroken. Uh, quick question- do you know which of these paths leads to Storrs? The signpost was no help, and I don't want to end up in New London or Stamford when I need to see the Wizard.

Mika: Well, I'm not very smart, but I've seen an awful lot of people go to and fro on this path over here. (She points to the center path of the the three, the one that goes to the right of the cornfield.)

Sue: All right, then! Let's get this show on the road- without cheesy music, though. If I catch you singing anything about how excited you are to see the Wizard, I'm not afraid to use you to start a campfire and roast marshmallows.

(Mika looks horrified as she grabs Sue's arm and they skip off awkwardly down the path. Despite Sue's injunction, Mika hums "We're Off to See the Wizard" softly under her breath.)

(Scene four. Mika and Sue have settled into a stately trot as they enter a gloomy-looking forest. Mika is still humming. D growls.)

Sue: Oh, I don't like this place.

Mika: I think that makes all of us.

Sue (with a shriek): What's that?! (She points at a shadowy figure ahead, just off the path, that seems to be holding something high in the air. Despite her warning, she moves on down the path with Mika and D. Mika stumbles, tripping her so that she lands in front of the figure- Swin, silvery and metallic, complete with gleaming braids. She knocks on its foot, hearing the tinny echo, then repeats with the calf and the stomach, again hearing different echoes.) Why, it's a man made out of tin!

Mika (staring at Swin's chest): No, actually... it's a woman made out of tin. A very pretty woman, I should add.

(Sue scrambles to her feet and regards Swin. She nods in agreement with Mika's assessment. Swin creaks, causing Sue to jump and D to back away with a growl.)

Sue: What was that?

Mika: Probably just the wind.

Sue: I wonder how she got here.

Mika: I don't know. I was hanging in a cornfield a good few miles from here until you pulled me down, remember?

Sue: Right, right. (Swin creaks again, a little more urgently.) Oy, again with the noise!

Mika: I think she's trying to tell us something. I thought I heard her say oil can.

Sue: Of course! (She bends over in front of Swin, whose eyes follow the view, and picks up the oil can- shaped like a bottle of Chanel No. 5. She spritzes Swin in the face while trying to figure out how to get the thing to work.)

Swin: Oh, thank you! Do my arms next, that axe is killing me! (Sue does so. Swin drops the axe inches from Sue's nose.) Oops, sorry about that. I'm not very good with this thing. I just keep it to scare people off.

Sue: I think it worked. But I understand. You're still a little rusty.

Swin: Oh, I know. I can feel it. It's going to take me weeks to Brillo my hair back into shape. Could you do my legs now? I can never reach my knees and the right one's really bad. (Sue does so. Swin dances a couple of steps in celebration and rakes some flakes of rust out of her hair with a screech of metal against metal.)

Mika: I'm not real smart, but I know you shouldn't have gotten yourself into that state.

Swin: I know, I know. But that tree was just bugging me, and I figured that I had this axe, so I might as well try to use it. Bad idea. This sudden rainstorm came and I just rusted solid! I'd regret it if I could, but I can't feel anything, because I haven't got a heart. Don't believe me? Go on and bang on my chest.

Sue: I'll pass. D might get jealous, and she bites. (Mika, however, takes Swin up on the offer and raps on her chest. Swin giggles.)

Mika: That's a beautiful echo. Have you tried recording it?

Swin: No one's been interested until now. So what takes you two through the forest?

Sue: We're going to see the Wizard of Storrs. You know, I'll bet he could give you a heart if you asked him for one.

Swin: Sweet. I'm there. Let me just get some necessities from the house. (She strolls towards the cottage stage right. Sue looks to the fourth wall with a frustrated and resigned expression on her face. An evil cackle turns her attention back towards the action. The Witch is seated on her broomstick on the roof of the cottage. Swin stops mid-stride and stares before backing towards Sue and Mika.)

Witch: So, little Suzie, we meet again. Looks like you've found some friends to travel with. Well, if you think they'll save you, you're wrong! Stay away from her, ladies, or it'll go badly for you! (She points at Mika.) You, I'll turn into bandages! (She points at Swin.) As for you, I'll use you as a trash basket!

Sue: Hey! Quit it! Don't make me get my Civic Center out!

Witch: Oh, so you want to play ball? I can help you with that. (She raises her hand and a fireball appears. She hurls it towards Mika. Mika runs away, but it homes in on her like a guided missile. Swin steps in between Mika and the fireball so that it splashes harmlessly off her, though the momentum is enough to knock her off of her feet.) Just a warning shot, my pretties, just to show you what I can do. I'll be seeing you again until I get those sneakers! (She vanishes in another cloud of orange smoke. Swin picks herself up and stares at Sue.)

Sue: Yeah, I didn't get the chance to mention, but the Wicked Witch of the Southeast has kinda sworn undying vengeance against me unless I give her these sneakers.

Swin: I can see why you wouldn't. They're gorgeous. Don't worry. I'm not scared. She made it personal anyway. Trash can, hah! I won't be long. I just need a few things. (She goes into the cottage and comes out a few moments later with a silver suitcase on wheels, her axe strapped across her back.) Like I said, just a few basic things.

Sue: I'm sure. Come on. I'd like to get there already before the Witch shows up again. (They join hands, though Swin has to switch grips on her suitcase, and skip off down the Yellow Brick Road.)

(Scene five. More dark and gloomy forest. Mika and Swin, one on each side of Sue, are both humming "We're Off to See the Wizard", out of time with each other, at least one of them horribly out of key.)

Sue: I know Storrs is out in the middle of nowhere, but I'm not really digging this endless dark forest thing. I'm starting to think we might run into unfriendly wildlife.

Mika: Like lions? (A figure that looks suspiciously like Suzie McConnell-Serio flashes past, behind the intrepid travelers.)

Swin: And tigers. (As before, only with Elaine Powell running by.)

Sue: And bears? (As before, only with Michelle Greco running by.)

Swin: Oh, yes, and bears. (As before, only with Sheila Lambert running by.)

All: Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Lions and- (A roar interrupts them. Mika jumps into Swin's arms, while D hides behind Sue. Sue puts her hands on her hips and delivers her next line in this pose.)

Sue: I know who you are. Make this easy on us, and no one gets hurt. If you do what I know you're thinking of doing, I'll pull your tail. No one, and I mean no one, is allowed to eat my girlfriend! You're welcome to join our party, just as long as you don't try any funny business.

AJ (off, sounding worried): Would you really pull my tail?

Sue: And slap you. Hard. There'd be tears. Messing with D is my privilege, no one else's.

AJ (off): How 'bout I just hide back here until you guys go away? I don't want to start anything.

Mika: Coward. You're nothing but a big old coward.

Swin: Hey! No need to call her names!

AJ: But it's true. I am a coward.

Swin: We're going to see the Wizard of Storrs. Maybe he could help you. If he can give me a heart...

Mika: And me a brain...

Sue: And not only get me home, but teach D some manners, finding a way for you to get some courage should be a cinch. Come on.

AJ: Are you sure?

Sue: If the Wizard is as good as they say, he has to!

AJ: Okay. Don't hurt me. (She comes out from hiding in the full Lion suit.)

Mika: But you sounded female!

AJ: I am.

Mika: But you have a mane! I don't know very much, but I know it's male lions that have manes.

AJ: Extensions. (She lifts the mane off her head.) I thought they'd make me look tougher and cause people to back off of me, but all the lions just think I... you know, prefer lionesses, so they make fun of me, and I run away crying. I don't know why I keep them.

Swin: Well, you should. They're fabulous extensions- I'd never have guessed they weren't real. They go great with your fur. Have you ever considered braiding them?

Sue (yelling so that AJ jumps): Can we have the fashion talk on the road? On our way to the Wizard, maybe?

Swin: Well! There's no need to pitch a fit about it!

Mika: I can't think about these things too much, but if I could, I'd think she's right. We've got the wickedest witch of them all after us, so we can't afford to stay in one place for very long at all.

AJ (with a gasp): You don't mean the Wicked Witch of the Southeast! Why, she's the one who put me in this state! I used to be just like the other lions, but she put a curse on me so that I'd never be secure until she was defeated! Oh, I'd give anything to put one over on her!

Sue: To the Wizard, then?

Swin, Mika, AJ: To the Wizard! (They line up together, sorting themselves out so that Swin is all the way on the right, with Mika next to her, Sue to Mika's left, and AJ all the way to the left, looking uncomfortable and nervous about her position. D takes up the rear as they skip off towards Storrs.)

(Scene six. The Fab Five has reached the meadow just before Storrs, which is visible in the distance as a couple of brick towers and several low-slung buildings surrounding them. In the middle, where the poppy field was in the original, is a regulation-size basketball court with a full rack of WNBA balls on the grass.)

Sue: Wow, they've done a lot to the place since I graduated. I can't believe we're almost there. Let's run to it! The sooner this is over, the sooner things can get back to normal!

(The group runs through the meadow. Sue pauses at the court and stares at it for a long time. D sits down by her side with the same intensity in her gaze. AJ doubles back to check on her.)

AJ: Hey, Suzie, you okay there?

Sue: Yeah. I was just thinking... I haven't really gotten my shooting in, and Coach is going to be mad as fury at me if I come back with a rusty jump shot. Let me work for just a few minutes. I promise I won't be long.

AJ: I'll rebound for you, if you don't shoot too hard. I hate when they come flying off the rim- they scare me that way. (She and Sue step onto the court. Sue grabs a ball and starts shooting. AJ goes after the rebounds, though she waits until some of them have rolled off onto the grass and stopped moving. Each time she does that, she hesitates before coming back onto the court- but she always comes back. Sue keeps shooting, reaching for balls and putting up shots as if she's not even thinking. Swin and Mika, well past the court, finally notice that they've been abandoned and turn around.)

Swin: Come on, you two! We'll have plenty of time for that when we get to Storrs! Everyone knows that the Wizard had the best indoor courts in all the land installed there, and you'll even have the chance to ask him for your deepest desires!

Mika: Like going home? And getting some courage? Don't you guys remember that? We're here for a reason, and it's not to play grassball. Hurry up!

Sue (dreamily, entranced; each repetition is accompanied by a shot): Just one more shot... just one more shot... just one more shot... just one more shot... (She keeps repeating this inaudibly and shooting while Swin, Mika, and AJ talk.)

Mika: Come on, Lioness! You can help us drag her off the court! Maybe she'll see the light then!

AJ: I can't. It's the only place where I feel like my old self again. I need this, guys. I *need* this. (She pounces on a loose ball and doesn't reply to any further questions from Swin and Mika.)

Mika: Oh, this is terrible! This is a spell, this is! I know it!

Swin: It's the Wicked Witch! What'll we do? Help! HELP!!

Mika: Oh, screaming isn't going to do any good! You're the one with the brain, you should know there isn't anyone around to help. Help! Help! (Swin and Mika continue shrieking for help while Sue keeps shooting, AJ keeps rebounding, and D keeps watching with the occasional random moment of sticking her tongue out. In a camera fade or a momentary curtain, time passes. Sue is drenched with sweat, and her shots have noticeably less arc on them than before, but she is entranced; she has no idea how tired her body is. AJ is also less enthusiastic in her pursuit of rebounds. A piece of paper flutters down from the sky; it crosses Sue's line of sight‚ but she manages to ignore it. As it continues past, Swin makes a grab for it, seizing it with a metallic clang.)

Swin (reading): "Court time has been reserved at Storrs in the name of Suzanne Bird and her party, effective immediately. Please hurry, as reservations are only honored within two hours of the issuance of an invitation. Granted by request of the Witch of the Northeast!" Suzie! Court time at Storrs! It takes months, years, to get to the top of the waiting list there, and even then you have to pay through the nose! Oh, wow, it's supposed to be the best place to play ever! Come on! You can't seriously consider staying out here when you could be in Storrs!

(Sue pauses in her shooting motion, distracted by the idea, and the pause is enough to break the Witch's spell. Sue wavers on her feet, and Swin and Mika both help her stay upright. AJ leaves off trying to cow one of the balls and rejoins the party, looking slightly embarrassed. Sue takes the note from Swin and peruses it.)

Sue: CD always did have a knack for getting us out of trouble. (She folds the note and puts it in her apron pocket.) Okay, so now we know how much time we have to get there, so let's go!

(They run towards Storrs as the scene fades out.)

(Scene seven. The party is at the front gate. Sue yanks on the bellpull. After a moment, Jamelle sticks her head out the window.)

Jamelle: Didn't you read the sign?

The Fab Four: What sign?

Jamelle: The one on the door! It's right there, plain as the nose on my face! Can't you- oh. (She realizes that there is no sign on the door and disappears behind her door, emerging only to hang the sign on the door.)

The Fab Four (reading the sign): "Bell out of order. Please knock."

Mika: Even I can see that there's a flaw in that logic.

Sue: Apparently bureaucracy is the same wherever you go. (She makes ready to knock on the door, but Swin waves her aside and bangs on it instead. The echoes are so loud that AJ hits the deck with terror.)

Jamelle: Well, that's more like it. Now, state your business!

The Fab Four: We want to see the Wizard!

Jamelle: No one sees the Wizard! It's not worth my job to catch him on a bad day!

Mika: Well, can we at least get into the city?

Jamelle: Could I see some ID, please? (The Fab Five all look at each other, although people tend to look a bit confused after trying to look at D. It soon becomes evident that none of them have whatever form of ID Jamelle is looking for.) I'll take that as a no, then. No entrance!

Swin: But we have an appointment for court time! The Good Witch of the Northeast signed off on it herself! (She hands the paper up to Jamelle, who studies it carefully.)

Jamelle: So you have a reservation in the name of Suzanne Bird. So what? Without ID, how am I supposed to know which one of you is Suzanne Bird, or if any of you is, for that matter? Do you have any idea how easy it is to forge a Good Witch's sigil? They're so darn trusting that they just leave everything out in the open. No admittance!

Mika: But look at Suzie! She's wearing the sneakers that the Good Witch gave her! Show the woman your shoes, Suzie! (Sue lifts her skirt demurely and sticks a foot out, turning it in order to show off the entire sneaker.)

Jamelle: Well, knock me over with a feather! You really are the ones the Good Witch was here about! Sorry about the inconvenience, ladies, come on in! Storrs is open to you from top to bottom! (She swings the door open and waves the Fab Five into Storrs. It looks much like an enclosed and roofed version of the UConn campus; people are bustling about, and the stores are doing very brisk business. The dominant color is navy blue, and in the buildings, it glows cobalt {not the radioactive kind of cobalt, the color}. A lot of the people have dogs, and after the first few times D gets acquainted, Sue stops trying to stop her. Four women enter from stage right: Sveta, Shea, Schuey, and Keesh, all sharply dressed in matching navy blue pantsuits. Shea steps forward. Swin reddens slightly, and her eyes remain locked on Shea all through Shea's welcome speech.)

Shea: Welcome to Storrs, y'all. The four of us are here to help y'all out with anything you need. We know it's been a long trip, so we'll help you freshen up in whatever way's appropriate.

(Keesh steps towards AJ, who backs away and hides behind Sue.)

Sue (whispering): What's the matter?

AJ: I paid a lot for this mane. Her hair scares me. I don't want her to do anything to my mane that I won't be able to look at in the morning. Please save me.

Sue (whispering): You're going to owe me big time for this, I hope you know. (at normal speaking volume) Hey, you with the amazing hair! Can you help me with mine? And I think D needs a good brushing. If you could help us out, we'd be ever so grateful. (whispering) Bird with the assist.

(Shea takes Swin in hand, Sveta makes a claim on Mika, Keesh takes on Sue and D, and Schuey is left with AJ. They split up, but stay within line-of-sight of each other. Each of the Storrs greeters rounds up a posse for beautification duties; none of the helpers can ever be individualized clearly, but they bear passing resemblances to players from the Storm, Lynx, Shock, and Mystics. Shea and her group shine Swin up and knock a few dents out, occasionally hitting a spot that causes Swin to giggle; for some reason, she still has a very slight cherry tint. Sveta and her group get Mika a new outfit and fresh straw; Mika helps push the straw into what she sees as a more advantageous position. Schuey braids AJ's mane and ties it off with navy blue ribbon, while her aides brush out AJ's fur; AJ purrs every so often, then immediately looks around to see who made the noise. Keesh and her posse give Sue a full spa treatment, except without a pedicure, since Sue can't remove her sneakers. While D splashes around in the bathtub, Sue ogles the tall blonde who's doing her nails, but immediately looks guilty about it. They all finish and meet back up in the common area, oohing and ahhhing at the work. Mika is now wearing a navy t-shirt with matching jeans. Sue's hair is back in a straightened ponytail, tied off with the same navy blue ribbon as AJ. Somehow, D also has a ponytail, though there's also a ribbon around her neck. Swin is so shined up that it hurts to look at her, and she keeps looking at her own reflection in the palm of her hand. They make small talk until a demented cackle fills the air. Immediately, AJ hits the deck, and the entire group edges closer together, Sue hugging D, Swin holding Mika, as skywritten words appear in the sky.)

Random woman (who bears a suspicious resemblance to Murriel Page): Surrender the girl NOW! WSE... oh, what do the Pollins want now? Someone has to tell the Wizard!

Random woman #2: Yes, the Wizard will explain it! To the Wizard!

Mika: We'd better hurry if we want to get in there! (The Fab Five heed Mika's advice and follow the mob of Storrsians to the steps of the Palace, where an imposing guard blocks everyone's path- Kara Wolters, in a navy blue uniform of military cut, with a Husky on the right sleeve.)

Kara: Here, here, wait a minute, wait a minute! All of you, STOP! It's all right! Everything's all right! The Wizard is aware of what has just passed, and he has matters well in hand... I hope. Go back to your homes, to your offices, to your schools- there's nothing to worry about! Get lost! Skedaddle! (addressing the Fab Five, who have made their way to the front of the crowd) All of you! That includes you!

Sue: Excuse me, ma'am? We want to see the Wizard right away, all five of us... well, four of us, unless D has anything to ask for.

Kara: Orders are nobody can see the Wizard. Nobody, no how.

Sue: Oh, but we must!

Kara: You and the rest of Storrs. Nobody, no how. He's deep in thought about how to get rid of the Witch of the Southeast. He doesn't have time for visitors, even if he was taking them, which he hasn't been. Now, get lost.

Mika: If he's so worried about the Witch, maybe he should talk to the girl she's after. That would be Suzie over here. She's got the sneakers of the Witch of the Big East and a pass from the Witch of the Northeast. What else does she have to do, hit a halfcourt shot?

Kara: That does make a difference. Wait here a moment and I'll announce you at once.

(Kara wanders off, leaving the Fab Five alone on the steps.)

Mika: Yes! I've as good as got my brain!

Swin: I can almost hear my heart beating. (pause, sidewise glance at Mika) Wow, it's loud.

AJ: Any moment now I'll be back to myself. (Long pause before Sue speaks.)

Sue: Aren't you supposed to be pontificating about how you're going to rule the forest with your new-found courage? Preferably with a really tortured rhyme scheme and some very clever usage of the scenery as illustrative props?

AJ: Why? I don't want to rule the forest. I'd rather be behind the scenes, and I've always been that way, even before the Witch cursed me. I just want to be able to look at the world without closing my eyes.

Swin: Man, it sounds like you need help more than the rest of us. You know what you're missing, and we don't. I don't know if I could take it if I were in your position. (She starts crying.)

Mika: Stop that! You'll rust yourself again! (She wipes the tears away, reaches into the suitcase, takes out the Chanel can, spritzes Swin, puts the can away, and takes out a small steel wool pad, which she uses at the corners of Swin's eyes.) Not too much damage, but don't do that again. You just got yourself shined up, for heaven's sake.

(Kara returns with a very serious look on her face.)

Kara: Go on home! The Wizard says go away!

The Fab Four: Go away?!

Mika: Looks like we came a long way for not very much. Does anyone at least still have that reservation for court time that the Good Witch used to break Suzie out of the spell?

Swin: No, that twit at the door took it and wouldn't give it back.

Mika: Shoot. Oh, Suzie, don't cry. We'll get you to the Wizard, right, guys?

Swin: We certainly will! Hey, we have a vested interest in this too!

AJ: Maybe I could roar at the guard and you guys could go in while she's not looking.

Sue: Everything's so confused, and I don't know what's going on, where I am, why I'm here, even who I am. (D pads over and nuzzles her. Sue strokes D's hair as she continues speaking.) I can't shake the feeling that my dog is really my girlfriend, or my girlfriend is really my dog, or something like that. I keep thinking I've seen all of you before, but that's just crazy talk, right? Oh, I wish I were home... wherever home is... (She stops, looks at D, and gets an idea. She stands up and clicks her heels together three times while speaking her next line. Kara spots this and slips through the palace doors while no one is looking.) There's no place like home... there's no place like home... there's no place like home... oh, darn, it didn't work.

(Kara re-enters through the palace doors.)

Kara: The Wizard has changed his mind. Your attempted use of magic interests him. You may enter.

Sue: When a door closes, a window opens. (The Fab Five go through the gigantic palace doors together, holding hands and walking slowly.)

(Scene eight. The Fab Five is now in the hallway to the Wizard's throne room- an imposing corridor if ever there was one, lined only with trophies and awards.)

AJ: Y'know, maybe I should wait for you outside. Someone's got to stay safe, after all, right? (She starts wringing her tail nervously.)

Sue: That's just the curse talking. If you run away now, you're letting the Wicked Witch win, and we can't have that, right? Come on, you can do this. What's the worst the Wizard can do? He can say no, and you're no worse off than you were before, other than having meet us. If talking to him scares you so much, we'll make the request for you. But we're not going to let you-

AJ: Oh!

Swin: What's wrong?

AJ: Someone pulled my tail! Suzie, was it you?

Sue: No, you big silly, it was you. See, you're holding it. (She points at AJ's hands. AJ sheepishly drops the end of her tail.)

AJ: Okay, what was that?

Swin: Just our echo. Listen. Footsteps. That's all.

(They stop walking for a moment, but the tapping continues. AJ squeaks and tries to run away, but the others catch her and hold her fast.)

Wizard: Yes, just an echo. (His voice booms and echoes, even without the acoustic aid of the corridor.) Step forward, ye who would dare disturb the Wizard of Storrs in his contemplations!

(They step forward into the throne room, where the empty throne is flanked by two pillars that belch forth fire and smoke in time with the Wizard's words. Slowly, the wavering image of a giant head appears on the throne. AJ flinches, Swin gasps, and even Mika is taken aback, but Sue just facepalms when she recognizes the face.)

Wizard: I am the great and powerful Wizard of Storrs! Who are you?

(Swin, Mika, and AJ share a look, then shove Sue forward. Naturally, D follows Sue. Sue spares a moment to give her traveling companions a dirty look, then prepares to face down the Wizard.)

Sue: If you don't know who we are by now, you haven't been paying very much attention, have you? We've been in Storrs for hours, and I know the Good Witch of the Northeast was here about us. But just in case, I'm Suzie, though I'm not meek, and I'm not really very small. We're here about-

Wizard: Shut up! I know why you're here! Hey, Sparkly, front!

(Swin smiles nervously and steps forward as Sue and D rejoin the main group, Sue with her fingers twisted in D's hair.)

Wizard: So, you think you can stroll in here and ask for a heart like it's nothing, huh? You think it's that easy? What makes you think you deserve it? Why shouldn't I just sell you to a scrapheap and save myself the trouble, you hunk of junk?

(Swin starts tearing up. Mika steps up, escorts Swin back to the group, and returns to give the Wizard a figurative piece of her mind, but is interrupted as she is about to speak.)

Wizard: And you! You think I can snap my fingers and give you a brain for nothing? How stupid are you to think I'd do it? Are you under the impression I do things just to be nice? What kind of idiot do you think I am, you heap of hay? (Mika flinches, furious, but steps back to console Swin, who seems ready to break into tears again at the harsh words the Wizard is using on Swin. The Wizard's gaze falls on AJ.) Lioness, step forward, I haven't got all day! (Sue pushes AJ forward.) You come to me for courage? I see why now. What would you do if you had it, huh? Would you bother taking even one chance if you could? Or would you just hide in a corner and let things happen? You aren't even worth the time it would take to insult you!

(AJ looks appalled at the insult and looks like she's ready to have at him, but as she takes a step forward to confront the giant floating head, she faints. Mika cushions her fall, but at the cost of hitting the deck underneath her. Swin rushes forward to help them, while Sue steps forward with a furious look on her face.)

Sue: You ought to be ashamed of yourself, frightening her like that! She came to you for help, not to be belittled! What kind of good wizard are you if-

Wizard: Shaddap already! I fully intend to grant your requests, on one condition. You must complete a small, insignificant task to prove yourselves worthy.

Sue (under her breath): No matter where you are, there's always a catch...

Wizard: Bring me the playbook of the Wicked Witch of the Southeast!

Swin: But she'd never give that up willingly! We'd have to kill her to get it!

Wizard: I'm sorry, do I look like I care about your excuses? Bring me her playbook, and I'll grant your requests. Now, go! Go on, get lost already!

AJ (woozily, only just now having recovered from her collapse): But what if she kills us first?

Wizard: Well, doesn't that just solve all our problems? I said go, which part of that don't you people get? Beat it, twenty-three skiddoo, get outta here already!

(As he says the last, the jets of flame from his braziers shoot up to the ceiling and start inching towards the Fab Five. They take this as a clue to clear out of the throne room and run for their lives. The Wizard's laughter follows them.)

(Scene nine. The Fab Five are now well on their way to the Witch's lair, tiptoeing through dark and creepy forest that makes the dark and creepy forest of previous scenes look positively welcoming. It's dark and scary out. Swin has her axe out. Mika has acquired a mace from somewhere. AJ clutches a spray bottle like a lifeline. Sue has no weapon, so she clings close to D, always keeping a hand on her as reassurance. They reach a signpost, which AJ stops and reads.)

AJ: "Haunted Forest. Witch's Castle One Mile. I'd turn back if I were you." Good idea. (She turns to leave, but Swin and Mika stop her.)

Mika: If you leave now, you'll never get your courage, remember?

AJ (sighing): Yeah, I know. I'm just scared.

Sue: We know. Don't worry. We've got your back.

Swin: Well, we do, at least. (indicating herself and Mika) But you don't have a weapon, Suzie. How are you going to defend yourself, or any of us?

Sue: I've got D. She's pretty well trained. She attacks anyone who tries to grab me the wrong way. She's very defensive and very protective. Guys, I'm the heroine. I'm supposed to make it through in one piece. The story stops if I die.

(Swin, Mika, and AJ all share a look indicating that they think Sue is crazy, and even D joins in. AJ presses her spray bottle into Sue's hands.)

AJ: Here, you can have my Witch Remover.

Sue: That's very sweet, but does it work?

AJ: I don't know. I've never had a chance to try it out.

Mika: You big doofus! (She reaches to take the bottle from Sue's hands, putting her mace down to do so. But when she goes to pick the mace back up, it's gone. She unbends and glares at everyone as if she expects them to suddenly produce the mace out of nowhere.) Okay, this is not funny. I'd like my weapon back now.

(Evil laughter and the mace lands on Mika's head. Fortunately for the sake of this adventure, maces do very little to straw, and instead of knocking her out, it merely annoys her before falling to the ground. Swin trembles loudly.)

Swin: You know something? I believe there are spooks in this forest. There's got to be a reason why they call it the Haunted Forest, right?

Mika: That's ridiculous! Spooks? That's silly.

Swin: Then how did you lose that mace?

Mika: It must have gotten caught in a branch and just jostled loose.

(Swin opens her mouth to argue the point, but before she can say anything, she is drawn up and out of the scene. Mika screams and AJ panics. Clattering is heard from above, and Mika looks for all the world like she's about to pull out that mace and get medieval on someone. After a few moments, Swin drops back down, a bit scratched up and dented.)

Mika: Oh my gosh, are you all right?

Swin: Do I look like I'm all right? Look at me! It took hours for them to get that luster! And those spooks spoiled it in just a few minutes! Ooooh, I am so sending them the repair bill for this!

(AJ, huddled up in the corner, starts wringing her tail again, her eyes closed tight.)

AJ: I do believe in spooks, I do believe in spooks, I do, I do, I do, I do...

Sue: Knock it off already, would you? We've already established that there's something lurking around here. You don't have to declare your belief in it- oh, jeez Louise!

(The winged monkeys have arrived. Other than orange being the dominant color of their vests and hats, they are unchanged from the original. With hoots and howls, they go after the Fab Five. Swin waves her axe at them threateningly.)

Swin: Go away! Get lost! Clear out! (One of the winged monkeys absconds with her axe.) Hey, that's cheating!

(Some of the other monkeys are stomping on Mika in what appears to be some kind of strange victory dance. She does her best to shake them off, but there isn't much she can do.)

Mika: Uh, a little help here?

Swin: Uh, we're all a little busy here?

(Meanwhile, a large group of the winged monkeys has AJ pinned against a large tree. In desperation and anger, she roars at them. The move startles the winged monkeys- and her. She shrugs off her surprise and balls her hands into fists, for the first time looking ready to take on the world. But as she advances on them, the winged monkey that took Swin's axe returns to the scene and drops the axe handle-first on AJ's head. AJ collapses.)

AJ (from the ground, a bit slurred): Someone get the number of that coach...

(Yet more winged monkeys have Sue and D trapped. D jumps on one and wrestles it to the ground, but while she's distracted with the one, two or three others sneak around and snare Sue. Sue screams in uncharacteristically girlish fashion as the winged monkeys take her up into the sky. D looks up, sees this, and growls. In her distraction, a winged monkey that had been harrassing AJ seizes her up and takes her away. Swin and AJ are left to survey the scene and the various bits of Mika scattered about.)

Swin: Oh, this is awful! Suzie's gone, that pet of hers is gone, and she'll be a wreck if it doesn't turn up! And you poor thing, you're all over the place!

Mika: You think it's awful? You're not the one gone all to pieces! What are you two standing there for? Put me back together! We have to find Suzie!

(Scene ten. Sue is tied hand and foot in a chair in the Witch's study. The playbook sits mockingly on a desk. A palace guard in an orange uniform holds D fast as the Witch gloats. The television between Sue and the Witch shows tiny images of Swin and AJ trying to put Mika back together and formulate a plan to get Sue out of the castle. The Witch turns to regard D and her lip curls.)

Witch: Ugh, what a nasty mutt. Get it out of my sight!

Sue: What are you going to do with D? Give her back to me! Let go of her!

Witch: Perhaps I will. Depends on my mood and what you do for me, my little pretty.

Sue (in utter horror): Please, please, please tell me you're not hitting on me.

Witch: All you have to do is give me the sneakers, and I'll give you back that dog you're so attached to.

Sue: I know how this plot twist goes. It's not going to work. There's no point to it. Besides, CD told me not to, and she's a holy terror if you get on her bad side.

Witch: Fine. Take that dog and throw it in the river! I can't stand the sight of it any longer!

Sue: Oh, gosh, I can't remember if D can swim. All right, fine. You can have the sneakers. But I can't take them off if I'm tied up like this.

Witch: Well, thank you kindly. (She indicates to a second guard that Sue's hands should be untied. Once she's freed, Sue looks towards the door and the playbook, but D whimpers and Sue remembers her priorities. She reaches down to untie the sneakers, but the knots won't come undone. She tries to pull them off, but they're on too tightly for her to try that method. The Witch watches this in disgust.) If you're trying to buy time for your little friends to come save you-

Sue: I'm not, I swear! I can't get them off! If you don't believe me, try for yourself and see what happens.

Witch: It'll go ill for you if you're lying, I warn you. (She bends down to untie the sneakers, but when her hands even come in the vicinity of them, they give off an electric charge that burns her hands and knocks her back a few paces. The second guard moves to help her, but she indicates that she doesn't want anybody's help and gets up on her own.) You- you- I was told you're not a witch!

Sue: I'm not, I swear! I didn't know that was going to happen! And suddenly I'm glad I didn't let Keesh talk me into that pedicure after all.

Witch: Fool that I am! I should have known... those sneakers will never come off, not as long as you're alive.

Sue: Oh, poop. If you're going to kill me, could you at least let me cuddle with D one more time before you do it?

Witch: No! Nikki, take that mutt down to the river and drown it already!

(As the first guard, Nikki, drags D out of the room, D breaks her grip and runs for it. Sue doesn't say anything to betray D's escape, but the relieved smile on her face is enough of a hint to the Witch that things aren't going as she would like.)

Witch: What are you standing there for? Catch it, you fool! When did you become so incompetent?

Sue: Around 2003, if you can believe the stats, actually.

Witch: You be silent! Even if your precious little pet escapes the castle- which I don't think my guards will allow to happen- that's more than you'll ever do. You've been more trouble to me than you're worth, one way or another- but it'll soon be over now! (She pulls out a giant game clock, turns it on, and plants it on the table.) Do you see that? That's how much longer you've got to be alive! And it isn't long, my pretty! I can't wait forever to get those sneakers! (She sweeps out of the room, leaving Sue alone and crying. But as she sits there and mopes, she realizes that the Witch's TV is tuned in to D and her escape attempt. She sees D make her escape from the castle and join Swin and AJ, who have mostly managed to put Mika back together. She can't hear what they're saying, but it's clear that they're going to follow D into the castle to save Sue. The business with the companions ambushing guards and taking their places follows. Sue is somewhat heartened, but she looks at the clock, which is down to 5:00, and lets out a choked sob.)

Mika (out of sight): Suzie? You in there? It's us.

Sue: I'm here, but the Witch's locked me in! So if one of you has a set of claws or an axe, this would be a really good time to use them!

(Swin takes the hint and applies her axe to the door; though the effects aren't immediately clear, the thunk of the axe hitting wood is audible. Soon the blade chops through. A moment later, Mika, AJ, and Swin tumble in on top of each other. D manages to vault over the three of them and land on top of Sue, who laughs joyfully and hugs D close to her.)

Sue: Oh, D, D! You're the smartest girlfriend a girl could ask for. I'm so glad you made it through. You're putting on weight, though. I told you to stop intercepting Penny's Violet Crumble shipments!

AJ: Are you all right, Suzie? Did they hurt you?

Sue: No, not for lack of trying. I knew you guys would come, and not just because I know this story by heart, either. You're the best friends a girl could ask for... so could I ask for a little more and have one of you guys untie my feet? Like, quickly? I don't know if that thing about 'this is how long you have left to live' was boasting or not, but I don't want to find out, and that clock has run awfully low.

(AJ unties the knots that bind Sue's feet to the legs of the chair and gives her a hand up. Once they have Sue upright, the Fab Five run out of the room and down a flight of stairs, into the entrance hall. The great doors are open when they hit the top of the staircase, but as they run down the stairs, the gates swing shut. Still, they race down the stairs and pound on the door. Swin whacks it a couple of times with her axe, but it has no effect. A cackle fills the air.)

Sue: That sound is really starting to get on my nerves.

Witch: Leaving so soon? I wouldn't hear of it. Why, my little party's just beginning! I so rarely have company out here...

AJ: We're trapped! Trapped like mice- rats- small trappable things!

Swin: Do something! Roar! It'll make you less scared!

AJ: Were you paying attention the last time I tried that?

(The palace guards- Tennessee players and alumnae, all in orange uniforms with a stylized Smokey on the left sleeve- advance on the group, backing the Fab Five against the door, Sue and D all the way to the right, the other three all the way to the left. The Witch laughs again- not a cackle this time, but lower-pitched, something more along the lines of a diabolical laugh.)

Witch: That's right. Don't hurt them right away. (One guard, a petite blonde, seems disappointed by this command.) We'll let them think about it a little bit, first. The anticipation makes it all the sweeter. Don't you think, my little visitors? Can you imagine what I'm going to do to you? (She brings out the game clock that was in her study and hurls it down at the Fab Five and her guards from her balcony perch. It erupts in a cloud of sparks and smoke, momentarily blinding the guards. In this moment of enemy distraction, Swin cuts the rope to the chandelier, which comes down on the guards, trapping them. While the guards struggle to free themselves, the Fab Five make their escape.) Seize them! Stop them, you fools! They're getting away! STOP THEM! Ugh, why am I surrounded by incompetents?!

(Meanwhile, down a hallway, the Fab Five have found a recess big enough to hide them. They look out as the guards come running by, oblivious to their presence. Once the guards are gone, Mika leans back and speaks.)

Mika: It's no use trying the doors again. Let's get to the back of the castle. Maybe there's a back door that they wouldn't check.

(They make ready to slip out, but as they do, the guards come back.)

AJ: Ohhhh, they're coming back! (She starts whimpering, but when Sue raises a hand, she shuts up, perhaps remembering Sue's threats to slap her and pull her tail when they first met in this adventure.)

Mika: Upstairs, quickly! They won't think to check where they've already been!

(They dash back up the stairs, unaware that the Witch and a hand-picked troop of guards has them spotted. She uses hand signals to indicate that half of them should go up the staircase after the Fab Five, and the other half should follow her back down the hallway.)

(Meanwhile, the Fab Five have found not an exit to the back, but the way to the roof of the castle. Swin takes a moment to lean over the battlements and admire the view before Mika drags her attention back to the important business of their escape.)

AJ: I'm scared of heights.

Sue: We know, you're scared of everything.

AJ: But I've always been scared of heights. Someone get me outta here! Somewhere! Anywhere! Please!

Mika: Not the best thing to ask in the castle of a wicked witch, but let's try this way. Come on! (She waves them forward, and they run after her- straight into a group of the Witch's guards.) Or we could try that way. That way's very nice. (Again, she leads the Fab Five, back down the tower from which they came. They reach the hall, only to find the second group of guards waiting for them. They run into the room inside the tower, and find themselves trapped by the two groups of guards. While they do the traditional last desperate sweep of the room, the Witch enters.)

Witch: Caught between a rock and a hard place, I see. Thought you could outfox me, did you? Well, I'm going to start in on you right here- one at a time. And you- you pesky little brat, you'll hear them all scream before I let you go. You'll have to watch what I do to all your little friends, and your mangy little dog, too! (She waves her hand towards one of the torches on the wall, and it floats into her hand. With an evil smile, she brandishes it towards Mika.) How about a little fire, Scarecrow? (She flicks her wrist, and the torch grows an extension, whipping out at Mika. Swin steps in to shield her, but though Mika is saved, the Witch just laughs.) Oh, believe me, I can turn it up a whole lot hotter. What do you think would happen first- flesh burning, fur going up in flames, or tin melting, hmmmm?

(By now, all of the Fab Five are trembling in terror. Swin's shivering clatters against Sue's apron, and Sue recalls the spray bottle that AJ handed her back in the Haunted Forest. She pats her apron and realizes that it's still there. She pulls it out.)

Sue: Stand back, you! I have Witch Remover and I'm not afraid to use it!

Witch: As if some apothecary's mixture could destroy my beautiful wickedness? Take your best shot, Suzie. I like to give my opponents a sporting chance.

(Sue takes the Witch at her word and squeezes the trigger on the spray. It comes out a lot harder and faster than would be expected from a spray can of that size. The stream arches out and hits the Witch right in the chest. The Witch puts a hand to the wound, but not before everyone sees that there is a gaping hole there. Heartened, Sue adjusts the nozzle to spray instead of jet, and covers the Witch in a fine mist. She keeps this up until the bottle is empty, through the Witch's next lines, delivered as the Witch is melting.)

Witch: You cursed brat! Do you have any idea what you've done? Oh, what a world, what a world, when an upstart little girl can bring down one of the greats! Ohhhh, ohhhhhh, nooooo...

(With that, she melts, leaving only her orange cloak behind. Before anyone else can react, D breaks from the Fab Five, sniffs at the wreckage, and raises one leg in a clear indication of her opinion. Sue turns crimson.)

Sue: DIANA! NO! Come back here, right this second! (She goes over and drags D back by the scruff of the neck, still red.) Don't you- I thought for certain that you had better manners than that! And I swore that you were housebroken! If you ever do that again, I'll-

Nikki: Excuse me? Couldn't help but notice that you seem to have killed the Witch.

Sue: Yeah, I'm really sorry about that. I- I didn't know this stuff would actually work, my friend over there gave it to me when we left Storrs, and she didn't know if it would work or not, I honestly didn't mean to kill her, this kind of thing just keeps happening to me like you wouldn't believe-

Nikki: Don't worry. We're pretty cool with it. We won't throw you a party or anything- at least most of us won't. (She casts a glance at a couple of guards who are doing their best to keep a poker face.) But she wasn't exactly the world's greatest boss, you know what I mean? At least without her around, we won't have to run up and down the hill every morning at daybreak, or memorize that playbook of hers-

Sue: The playbook! I hate to be really morbid, but could we please have it?

Nikki: Heavens, yes! You, go get it. (She points at a young guard who hesitates.) Yes, you. You're not that special that you don't have to make yourself useful. (The guard runs off and comes back a few moments, staggering in with the playbook.) There, that's better. Take it. Please. (Sue accepts the book from the young guard and immediately foists it off on Swin.)

Sue: Thank you so much. You have no idea what this means to us. With this, we can go to the Wizard and get him to grant our wishes! Once we get back to Storrs, we can spread the word that the Wicked Witch is dead!

(Scene eleven. Back at Storrs, the Fab Five are the centerpiece of a procession through the streets, leading to the palace steps. Each adventurer of the group takes a turn holding the playbook up to the masses, who cheer each time that it is raised anew. Shea eyes Swin, and Sveta eyes Mika, but Swin and Mika don't seem to notice. Keesh eyes AJ's mane, and AJ definitely notices that. She edges closer to Sue.)

AJ (whispering): Please keep her away from me. She scares me.

Sue: I thought the curse that made you a coward was supposed to fade out along with the Wicked Witch.

AJ: So did I. I guess killing her just means that the curse *can* be removed. Still better off than I was before. All I need is a little help from the Wizard, and I'll be set.

(The procession drops the Fab Five off in front of the palace doors, where Kara opens up and allows them entry. They get through the passageway without the Wizard playing any practical jokes on them. Once they reach the throne room, the giant floating head of the Wizard appears on his throne, and his braziers light up. He does not look happy to see them.)

Wizard: Can I believe my eyes? No, I must be seeing things. I specifically told you lot not to even think about coming back until and unless you brought me the playbook of the Wicked Witch of the Southeast. Did I not say that? So why are you back here again?

Sue: Oh, but we *have* done what you asked of us. We brought the playbook, and I hope you can make more sense out of it than the rest of us could, because we couldn't figure out the first thing she had in mind. (She slides it across the floor towards the throne; for that, the braziers simmer down.)

Wizard: Oh? And how did a motley group like you manage to vanquish one of the most powerful and feared enemies in all the land? What did she do, laugh herself to death when she saw you guys coming?

Sue: If you must know, I zapped her with some Witch Remover. Don't push me, or I'm going to try and find out if it works as Wizard Remover, too.

Wizard: That stuff's just water.

Sue: And the Wicked Witch is susceptible to pure water. What kind of Wizard are you if you don't know this stuff?

Wizard: Ah, pure water. Hard to find that stuff nowadays. Now I understand. Lucky, but resourceful.

Sue: Yes, that we are. So we'd like you to keep your promise to us, sir, if you please.

Wizard: Not so fast! Hold your horses! Again with the instant gratification! I'll have to think about the matter a little bit. Go away and come back tomorrow.

Sue: Tomorrow? Oh, but I want to go home now!

AJ: You've had plenty of time to think already!

Swin, Mika: Yeah! What she said!

Wizard: Believe me, you do NOT want to start something with the great and powerful Wizard of Storrs! I said come back tomorrow!

Sue: If you were so great and powerful you would keep your promises instead of looking for excuses to get out of them!

(As Sue rants, D pads away from her, scenting the air as she goes. When she reaches a curtain over by the throne, she pulls it back, revealing Geno at the controls of the throne apparatus, completely oblivious to the fact that he's been revealed.)

Wizard: Do you presume to criticize the great and powerful Wizard of Storrs? Ungrateful creatures! Consider yourselves lucky I didn't kick you out and have you blacklisted from the city for the rest of your existences! You're complaining about having to come back tomorrow? Maybe you'd like it better if I told you to come back in twenty years! (He looks up and realizes that the curtain is gone, and that D has gotten everyone's attention so that they're staring at him as he pontificates.) The great and powerful Wizard has spoken! Now clear out! (He pulls the curtain closed again.)

Sue (pitched to Geno): Who are you?

(D pulls the curtain open again and jumps on Geno. He yanks the microphone off its stand, even as D pins him.)

Wizard: Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain! You hear that? No attention! None at all! Go already before I really lose my temper! And get this stupid dog off me already!

Mika: Who are you?

Geno (half into the mic, half not): For the umpteenth time, I am the great and powerful Wizard of Storrs!

Sue: Oh, really?

Geno: Uh, yeah.

Swin: We don't believe you.

Geno: Well, believe it. There's no other wizard but me.

Mika: You humbug!

AJ: Yeah! Wait... what's a humbug?

Geno: Me. She got it right. I'm a humbug.

Sue: You're a real piece of work, you know? You're a very bad man! (After she says this, she rolls her eyes, unable to believe that such a trite and cliched line of dialogue came from her mouth.)

Geno: Hey, I resent that! I'm a very good man. I'm just not that great a Wizard.

AJ: Well, you better be good enough to get Suzie back home!

Geno: Could you not shout? I'm not used to people yelling at me. It makes me a little nervous, and that piece of information does not leave these four walls.

AJ: Makes *you* nervous? You don't know the first thing about it, believe me when I say that. Nervous? What about the Scarecrow? You promised her a brain, remember? And the tin woman over here- you promised her a heart!

Swin, Mika, and Sue: And courage for the Lioness!

Geno: Idiots. I am surrounded by idiots! Don't you three get it? You waltzed all over creation looking for what you already have! You had them all the time, but you never realized it!

Swin, Mika, and AJ: No, we haven't!

Swin: You don't get around us that easy!

Sue: Uh, actually...

AJ: You make me look brave, the way you run away!

Sue: But you-

Mika: You promised us real things.

Sue: Oh, I give up.

Mika: A real brain. A real heart. Real courage. Isn't that what we want? (Swin and AJ nod.) That's what we came to you for.

Geno: I don't believe you guys. You wander all over the land, leaving everything you know to be familiar. You beard me in my den not once, but twice. You face down the Wicked Witch of the Southeast three different times, once in her own castle, and destroy her. And that's all you can come up with to ask for? (He turns to Mika.) So, you want a brain? Big whoop. Everything has a brain. I have a brain. Suzie has a brain. Suzie's dog has a brain, probably. The crows that used to torment you have brains. That's not what you're really looking for. Now, where I come from, there are places people go to be told how smart they are, and believe me, most of them have less brains than you do. But they have one thing you don't- a diploma. So... (He rummages through a large bag and takes out a tightly rolled scroll.) By the authority vested in me as the head honcho of Storrs, I present you with this Bachelor's of Science in the field of Communications. Use it well!

(Mika takes the scroll from the Wizard, and her eyes light up.)

Mika: I've got a BS degree! Joy! Rapture! Hand me that playbook, I'll bet I could decode it now! Thaaaaaank you.

(Geno next goes up to AJ.)

Geno: Okay, you want the honest truth? The curse is gone, because there never was a curse in the first place. She scared you once, and if I'm not mistaken, everyone around you saw it happen. They thought you were a coward because you were scared of her- I dunno why, I'd be pretty scared if some bright blue broad in orange showed up too. But because they all thought you were a coward, they got you to believing that you were, when you're anything but. There's one way to solve that problem. You gotta get away from the people who are getting you down. So... (He rummages through the sack again, seeming surprised at some of what he finds, until he comes up with a second scroll.) Here's the deed to a patch of forest a good ways north of your previous haunts, not far from Storrs. The guys here can help you move, if you've got any stuff you wanna take with you. The people there will only know you as one of the brave souls who defeated the Wicked Witch of the Southeast. Once that happens, I'll bet you'll be surprised by how quickly your courage returns. But just in case you don't believe me... (He goes through the sack again and takes out a medal.) This ought to prove to anyone that you're the bravest lion in all the land. Wear it well!

(AJ stares in surprise at the scroll and medal. Swin helps her with the medal, getting it over her head and untangled from her braids.)

Swin: Ooooh, shiny.

AJ: You have no idea how much this means to me. Thank you so much.

Swin: My turn, my turn, yay!

Geno: Ease up! You're the one who thinks that she needs a physical, beating heart, right? I don't know why you want one. They've caused more people more misery than almost anything else. They break- in more ways than one. They won't be practical until someone finds a way to make them unbreakable, and I fear that's something even the walking allergen couldn't pull off. You're the luckiest person in all the land, my dear.

Swin: To heck with your logic, I still want a heart.

Geno: Stubborn, aren't you? Okay, let's see what the bag has for you. (He rummages through the bag, mumbling as he goes.) Chia Pet... makeup case- I thought I gave that back to her... tanning lotion... sushi- oh, that's got to have gone bad... M&Ms- anybody want some? Stress Reliever spray- you know, I was looking for that just the other day... snow boots... film guide... hair straightener... (He looks up at Swin apologetically.) I'm sorry, but there doesn't seem to be anything in here to help you. I'd offer you the Stress Reliever spray, but I'm afraid it would rust your face, and then you'd be even angrier at me than I'm sure you already are.

Swin: Well, this stinks. What kind of Wizard are you?

Geno: We've been through this part. I'm not a very good wizard, just lucky. I think it might be a good idea for you to stick with the Scarecrow for a while. With her brain, I'm sure she could figure out a way for you to get a heart. Remember this, you sap: a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others... and I think you're pretty well loved. (Mika hides her face in her hands. Sue starts humming "Matchmaker" from "Fiddler on the Roof". Swin notices neither of these and sulks in Geno's direction until Mika gets over being embarrassed and drapes an arm over her shoulders, which perks her right up.)

AJ: Hey, what about Suzie? Doesn't she get to go home?

Sue: Oh, I don't think there's anything in that black bag for me.

Geno: No, I don't think so either. Do you want some overripe sushi? Or M&Ms? I think they're peanut.

Sue: I'll take the M&Ms. They're always appreciated. (Geno hands her one of the ubiquitous fundraiser bags of peanut M&Ms, and she rips one side of the bag off along the blue fundraiser strip. She pours a few into her hand for D, who takes them straight from her hand; at this point in the adventure, Sue doesn't even bother rolling her eyes at D's behavior.)

Geno: You know chocolate is bad for dogs, right?

Sue: Yeah, but it's great for girlfriends.

Mika (whispering to Geno): Don't try to argue. I've been trying to figure this one out since I met her, and even my BS degree can't help me out.

Geno: Be that as it may, I really don't care either way. There's only one way to get you home. Of course, I have the option of not getting you home, but that's also the option that either gets me shredded by the lioness, chopped to pieces by the tin woman, or bored to death by the genius. Given those choices, I'd rather get you out of here, and, well, if you want a job done right, you gotta do it yourself. (He rolls up his sleeves.) Suzie, I'll take you home myself.

Sue: Will you? Could you? Golly gee, I haven't had a guy say that to me since high school.

Geno: I wouldn't have offered if I couldn't pull it off. It's not like I'm hiding behind the giant floating head anymore. You guys could beat the daylights out of me if you wanted to. Besides, I'm a Philly boy. I figure I can get her there, get her on a connecting flight to wherever she needs to go, get her squared away, and go visit some family while I'm at it. I haven't been home in a long time, and they probably miss me. I say probably because you never know with family. But I've been out of touch- been here, you know? I still can't figure out exactly what happened. One minute, I'm taking a ride in my new convertible, the next I'm being acclaimed as the Wizard of Storrs. I don't get it, but I never had a reason to complain about it before. I've got half a tank of gas and a little dust from the bottom of that magic bag, so I should be able to pull it off.

(Scene twelve. Geno, Sue, and D are in the front seats of a cute navy blue convertible, while Swin, Mika, and AJ ring them on the dais. Below the dais, the people of Storrs wait and cheer their heroes and their Wizard. Kara and other post players are trying to keep the crowd under control, but it's not going very well, especially since some of the guards are just as inclined to cheer as the crowd that they're supposed to be keeping under control. Their efforts grow less and less enthusiastic as the scene wears on.)

Geno: People of Storrs! I have been asked by the Confederation of Wizards to take Suzie here to them so she can explain how she and her friends defeated the Wicked Witch of the Southeast! They may ask me to stay among them, as a token of my good service to you, the people of Storrs. I hereby decree that until my return- if I am allowed to return- these three, the scarecrow, the tin woman, and the lioness, will be in charge. Their combination of wisdom, compassion, and courage should be enough to rule Storrs fairly and well. Obey and respect them as you would me. Now, everyone, get out of the way, I'm about to make this ride do things that are explicitly NOT in the owner's manual!

(He ostentatiously fastens his seatbelt. Sue tries to follow suit, but she has trouble getting the seatbelt to fit over both herself and D, and she refuses to take D off her lap. While Geno fidgets impatiently, the crowd starts to get restless. A woman in a dark orange shawl finds her way to the front of the crowd, and D reacts predictably, jumping out of the car and onto the woman.)

Sue: Oh, come back here! D, come back! You old fraud, don't you dare leave without me! I'll be right back, or D will have a lot of explaining to do later. (She tries to open the door, but the lock won't unlock, so she jumps out and tries to pry D off the woman in orange. It's a long process. While he's waiting, Geno absently presses down on the pedals, with the predictable result that he pushes down too hard once. The car takes off down the cleared path. Sue, with D finally subdued, looks up and discovers this.)

Sue: Hey! Come back! Don't go without me! Please come back!

Geno: I'd love to, but the brakes don't seem to be working on this thing! I think I put too much fairy dust in the gas tank! Goodbye, folks! Wish me luck! (He zooms out of the scene.)

Sue: Oh, now I'll never get home.

AJ: Stay with us, Suzie.

Swin: We all love you. We don't want you to go.

Mika: The only reason we wanted to see you get home was because it was what you wanted more than anything.

Sue: That's sweet of you guys, but I can't. I have a job and a life to get back to. People rely on me, and I've grown past Storrs. Besides, I can't snuggle with my girlfriend the way that I'd like; she keeps licking me in non-sexy places and her nose is cold. You're the genius of the group, you figure out what I should do.

Swin: Well, you can always pop soap bubbles. (She points up at the Glinda bubble, which is just taxiing in for a landing on the dais, in the spot where Geno's convertible was.)

Sue: I wouldn't dream of popping that bubble; it belongs to the Good Witch of the Northeast.

Mika (whispering to Swin): Now I know why the gatekeeper didn't take us seriously when we said that she'd authorized our court time at Storrs- which we never used, by the way...

Swin: One-on-one later?

Mika: Better believe it.

(CD, who has waited for Swin and Mika to set up their date, finally steps out of the bubble and goes to Sue, who is clutching D and sitting on the edge of the dais, trying her best not to cry in public.)

Sue: Oh. It's you.

CD: Have you figured out where you belong yet?

Sue: Yes. With Diana. No matter where I am, that's where my heart is.

CD: You were almost spot-on with the incantation before, which was why I wondered if you were a witch. But now that you understand completely where you belong, those sneakers will take you and D home in two seconds.

Sue: I'm assuming this is not an included feature with all D-IIIs.

CD: All you'll have to do is close your eyes, tap your heels together three times, and keep repeating "There's no place like homecourt" until you find yourself there. Got that?

Sue: Homecourt. Of course. Why didn't I think of that sooner? Can I say my goodbyes before I go?

CD: Of course. I'm a good witch. I encourage good manners in people.

(Sue goes up to AJ and hugs her, making sure not to get caught on the shiny medal.)

Sue: You've been great. Good luck in your new stomping grounds. I'm sure you'll be happy there. Will you keep an eye on those two? I think they're going to need someone to keep them out of trouble. Storrs is going to need you too, because I don't see them paying much attention to the business of ruling once they figure out how fond they are of each other. It's a lot, but I know you can handle it. You won't back down from the challenge, right?

AJ: Not anymore. I never would have found my courage if it hadn't been for you, Suzie.

(Sue then goes over to Swin and Mika and coughs to get their attention. She hugs Swin gingerly.)

Sue: Oh, don't cry, you'll rust yourself dreadfully, and then you'll never forgive me for the lines at the corners of your eyes. Here- let me get the oil can. (She reaches into Swin's suitcase, brings out the oil can, and presses it into Swin's hands.)

Swin: Now I know I've got a heart, 'cause it's breaking. (She alternates between blinking away tears and using the oil can. Sue turns to Mika and hugs her.)

Sue: And you... you were there almost from the first. I think I'll miss you most of all. I hope you're both happy here. (She turns to CD.) Okay, I think that's it. Thanks for all your timely help- I'd still be shooting jumpers out in front of Storrs if it hadn't been for you. D! Stop trying to meet every Husky here! We're going home! (D runs back into Sue's arms. Sue closes her eyes and starts clicking her heels together.) There's no place like homecourt... there's no place like homecourt... there's no place like homecourt...

(Scene thirteen. Back at Diana's apartment. Sue is back in her street clothes, on the couch. Diana, also back in her street clothes, is sprawled across the couch and across Sue's lap. Absently, eyes closed, still half-asleep, Sue reaches out to scratch Diana behind the ears. Diana laughs. Sue opens her eyes and looks a bit embarrassed.)

Diana: You okay, querida? Some company you are. I rent a movie that you ask to see, and you're dead to the world as soon as it starts.

Sue: I just had the weirdest dream. You were there, and Swin, and Tamika, and Asjha, and... well, I think everyone we know was there, pretty much. I didn't miss the movie, I was in the movie. And just in case we hadn't figured it out before, Dorothy is an idiot.

Diana: I was there, huh? Who was I? Glinda, right?

Sue (through a fit of laughter): You? In that dress? And the crown? I think that would turn you into a wicked witch from insanity!

Diana: So was I your arch-enemy?

Sue: No, my subconscious cast Pat Summitt and insisted on making everything orange. It wasn't a pretty sight.

(Diana shudders as she sits up on the couch and slings an arm over Sue's shoulders. Sue responds to the casual contact with a kiss that knocks Diana back against the arm of the couch. After a good couple of minutes of this, Diana breaks away to catch her breath.)

Diana: You sure I was there? You kiss like you missed me.

Sue: There were a lot of things I couldn't do in Oz, and that was one of them. Seriously, though, I've never gone to sleep so suddenly. I wasn't even tired, but as soon as the movie started, I was in Oz. It was like someone picked me up and stuffed me into the tape, and then used my brain to filter the whole thing. I couldn't even curse. I think I actually said "golly gee" at one point.

(Diana frowns and gets off the couch. She ejects the tape from the VCR, then unplugs the VCR. She sees that there are strange scratches on the top of the tape, so she opens the door. There is something affixed to the top of the inside of the VCR.)

Diana: This is the last time I save a few bucks by having Tanya and Duncan fix stuff for me! Those two were working on VR stuff the last time I saw them- they must have used my VCR as a test case and not bothered to take the damn thing out! I don't get nerds. They can come up with stuff that would make Einstein scratch his head, but they can't spare the brain cells to keep track of their stuff. Do you want me to kill them for you?

Sue: No, it's okay. I learned a lot from my little adventure. Apparently my subconscious believes that Swin and Tamika should never have broken up and that Rutgers, despite not having beaten us in a meaningful game, is a worse enemy than Notre Dame or Villanova. I don't get it either.

Diana: Considering Swin's track record, maybe your subconscious is on to something. So you ever gonna tell me who I was in your dream?

Sue: Not only am I sworn to secrecy, I will give you an uncontested three-pointer in our next game against each other if you manage to guess.

Diana: Oh, come on! Please?

Sue: No.

Diana: Please? Don't make me beg.

Sue (controlling her laughter): D, you don't want to know, okay?

Diana: Yes, I do!

Sue: No, you don't.

Diana: Yes, I do! Please?

Sue: No.

(They repeat the argument several times, rolling around on the floor at about the third go-round. Somewhere around the fifth repetition, Sue goes for Diana's pants, and things fade rather to black.)