BTVS QUOTES
Buffy: Well, that works out great. You won't tell anyone that I'm the Slayer, and I won't tell anyone you're a moron.
Buffy: Mom, dead people are talking to you. Do the math!
Buffy: Oh, no... I have to go take an English make-up exam. They give you credit just for speaking it, right?
Buffy: Cool! Crossbow! Check out these babies. Goodbye stakes, hello flying fatality.
Buffy: I'm gonna give you all a nice, fun, normal evening if I have to kill every person on the face of the Earth to do it.
Buffy: Okay, that was too close for comfort. Not that slaying is ever comfy, but... you know what I mean.
Buffy: I don't play well with others.
Buffy: I didn't jump to conclusions. I took a small step, and conclusions there were.
Buffy: We saved the world. I say we have to party.
Buffy: I didn't say that I'd never slay another vampire. It's not like I have all these fluffy bunny feelings for them, I'm just not gonna get way extracurricular with it.
Buffy: I gotta stop him before he unleashes unholy havoc and it's just another Tuesday night in Sunnydale.
Buffy: Are you crazy? You just don't sneak up on people in a graveyard. You make noise when you walk, you stomp, or... yodel.
Buffy: Cordelia, your mouth is open, sound is coming from it, this is never good.
Buffy: God! I am so mentally challenged!
Buffy: Love makes you do the wacky.
Buffy: People to see, demons to kill.
Buffy: You know, I just woke up and I looked in the mirror and thought, "Hey, what's with all the sin." I need to change. I'm dirty, I'm bad with the sex, and the envy, and the loud music us kids listen to nowadays. Oh, I just suck at undercover.
Buffy: You're a vampire. Oh, I'm sorry. Was that an offensive term? Should I say undead American?
Buffy: When Giles sends me on a mission, he says "please." And afterwards I get a cookie.
Buffy: When the apocalypse comes... beep me.
Buffy: You can attack me, you can send assassins after me, that's fine. But nobody messes with my boyfriend!
Buffy: I didn't say you were stupid! So…stop being an idiot and let me fix this!
Buffy: You're like my fairy godmother, and Santa Claus, and Q all wrapped up into one. (they look at her) Q from Bond, not Star Trek.
Buffy: I lost a friend tonight and I may lose more! The whole world may be sucked into hell, and you want my help 'cause your girlfriend's a big ho?! Let me take this opportunity to NOT care!
Buffy: Do---do you think I chose to be like this? Do you have any idea how lonely it is, how dangerous? I would love to be upstairs watching TV or gossiping about boys or... God, even studying! But I have to save the world. Again.
Buffy: No. No, those weren't vampires. Those were just... guys in thunder need of a facial. Or maybe they had rabies? It could've been rabies. And that guy turning to dust? Just a trick of light.
Buffy: But who am I kidding? Dates are things normal girls have. Girls who have time to think about nail polish and facials. You know what I think about? Ambush tactics. Beheading. Not exactly the stuff dreams are made of.
Buffy: Why go to all the trouble to dig up three girls only to chop them up and throw them away? It doesn't make any sense. Especially from a time management standpoint.
Buffy: You know, I always say that a day without an autopsy is like a day without sunshine.
Buffy: Could you contemplate getting over yourself for a second? There's no 'us'. Look, Angel, I'm sorry if I was supposed to spend the summer mooning over you, but I didn't. I moved on. To the living.
Buffy: Sorry, but I'm an old-fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies.
Buffy: Oh. That's okay, um... I-I figured there were all sorts of things vampires couldn't do. You know, like work for the Telephone Company, or volunteer for the Red Cross, or... have little vampires.
Buffy: Giles, care? I'm putting my life on the line, battling the undead. Look, I broke a nail, ok? I'm wearing a press-on. The least you could do is exhibit some casual interest; you can go hmm.
Buffy: Impulsive? Do you remember my ex-boyfriend, the vampire? I slept with him, he lost his soul, now my boyfriend's gone forever, and the demon that wears his face is killing my friends. The next impulsive decision I make will involve my choice of dentures.
Willow: I'm a bloodsucking fiend! Look at my outfit!
Willow: I knew it! I knew it! Well, not in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn't know.
Willow: I just talked to Buffy, and yeah, I think she's feeling a little... insane. No, not bitchy crazy, more like homicidal maniac crazy. So I told her to come see you, 'kay?
Willow: No, no, no. See, Xander's... I like his head. It's where you find his eyes and his hair and his adorable smile.
Willow: It is kind of novel how he'll stay young and handsome forever, although you'll still get wrinkly and die... and oh, what about the children? I'll be quiet now.
Willow: I'm not ashamed. It's the computer age. Nerds are in. They're still in, right?
Willow: You're the Slayer and we're, like, the Slayerettes.
Willow: Just sitting here watching our barren lives pass us by. Oh, look, a cockroach. *stomp*
Willow: We can't run, that would be wrong. Could we hide?
Willow: Uh, Angel, if I say something you really don't want to hear, do you promise not to bite me?
Willow: Well, when I'm with a boy I like, it's hard for me to say anything cool, or, or witty, or at all. I-I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away.
Willow: Wow! He hardly talks to anyone. He's solitary, mysterious... He can brood for forty minutes straight, I've clocked him.
Willow: You remember, you fail math, you flunk out of school, you end up being the guy at the pizza place that sweeps the floor and says, 'Hey, kids, where's the cool parties this weekend?' We've been through this.
Willow: So Angel is a good vampire! I mean, on a scale of one to ten, ten being someone who's killing and maiming every night, and one being someone who's not.
Willow: You think I wanna go to the dance with you and watch you wish you were at the dance with her? You think that's my idea of highjinx? You should know better.
Willow: No, no, no, no. No speaking up. That way leads to madness and sweaty palms.
Xander: Hi, for those of you who just tuned in, everyone here is a crazy person.
Xander: Calm may work for Locutus of the Borg here, but I'm freaked out, and I intend to stay that way.
Xander: I'm not worried. If there's something bad out there, we'll find, you'll slay, we'll party.
Xander: So, do we have to speak Spanish when we see him?' Cause I don't know anything much besides "Doritos" and "chihuahua."
Xander: I can not stress enough how much I don't have plans.
Xander: Are you ready to get down, you funky party weasel?
Xander: Dorkhead? You lash me with your words!
Xander: It's time for me to act like a man... and hide.
Xander: I don't like vampires. I'm going to take a stand and say they're not good.
Xander: I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away.
Xander: And they say that young people don't learn anything in high school nowadays, but I've learned to be afraid.
Xander: Generally speaking, when scary things get scared, not good.
Xander: Well, I guess that makes it official. Everybody's paired off. Vampires get dates. Hell, even the school librarian sees more action than me.
Xander: Where are you from? The country of white trash?
Xander: Well, yeah. I'd give anything to be able to turn invisible. I wouldn't use my powers to beat people up, but use my powers to protect the girl's locker room.
Xander: What's going on here? People are going all Felicity with their hair.
Xander: Cavalry's here! Cavalry's a scared guy with a club, but it's here!
Xander: We're right behind you, only further back.
Xander: I wish dating was like slaying. You know, simple, direct, stake through the heart, no muss, no fuss.
Xander: It's funny how the earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to.
Xander: Those that can, do, those that can't laugh at those that, can do.
Xander: Forgiveness is my middle name. Well, actually it's LaVelle, but I'd appreciate it if you guard that secret with your life.
Xander: Just for the record: you were right, I'm an idiot, and God bless you.
Xander: For I am Xander, king of cretins. Let all lesser cretins bow before me.
Xander: People don’t fall in love with what’s right in front of them. People want the dream…what they can’t have. The more unattainable, the more attractive.
Xander: I’m just gonna go home, lie down, and listen to country music. The music of pain.
Xander: Did you hear that? A bonus day of class, plus Cordelia. Mix in a little rectal surgery and it's my best day ever.
Xander: If anyone sees my spine lying about, just try not to step on it.
Xander: A ghost, what's the deal? Is every frat on this campus haunted? and if so why do people keep coming to these parties because it's not the snacks.
Xander: I'm not gonna waste the perfect comeback on you now. But don't think I don't have it. Oh yes, it's time will come!
Xander: I said I didn't remember anything about that. Look, the point is, is I have an affinity with this thing. I can get inside of its head. I'm a big, bad wolf. I'm on the prowl. I'm sniffing, I'm snarling, I'm a slobbering predator, I'm... Wait a second! It's right in front of us. It's obvious who I am. I'm Larry! The guy's practically got wolf-boy stamped on his forehead. You got the dog bite, you got the aggression, not to mention the excessive back hair.
Xander: Whoa! Whoa, back up. Who said anything about eternity? A man can only talk self-tanning lotion for so long before his head explodes!
Giles: Since Angel lost his soul, he's regained his sense of whimsy.
Giles: What ever happened to Latin? At least when that made no sense, the church approved.
Giles: Recording a bat-sonar is something soothingly kin to having one's teeth drilled.
Giles: Testosterone is a great equalizer. It turns all men into morons.
Giles: It's devastating. He's turned into a sixteen-year-old boy. Of course you'll have to kill him.
Giles: I don't care what time it is, unlock his cell, unstrap him, and bring him to the phone!
Giles: Let me be sure I have this right - this witch is casting horrible and disfiguring spells... so that she can become a *cheerleader*?
Giles: You're not, by any chance, betraying your secret identity just to impress, um, cute boys, are you?
Giles: That was hardly the worst mistake you'll ever make... That wasn't quite as comforting as it was meant to be.
Giles: Buffy, when I said you could slay vampires, and have a social life, I didn't mean at the same time!
Giles: Things involving the computer fill me with a childlike terror. Now, if it were a nice ogre or some such, I'd be more in my element.
Giles: You were right, all along, about everything.... Well, no, you weren't right about your mother coming back as a pekinese.
Giles: I had very definite plans about my future. I was going to be a fighter pilot. Or possibly a grocer.
Giles: Yes, and you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words 'Let that be a lesson' are a tad redundant at this juncture.
Giles: I'll just jump in my time machine, go back to the Twelfth Century, and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show.
Giles: You're *my* Slayer. Go on, knock his teeth down his throat.
Giles: This is completely unprecedented. I'm quite flumuxed.
*NOTE: When Spike is evil the font is in red, however after he gets the chip in his head I don’t really consider him to be a threat to anyone, so he’s really not evil anymore, and so accordingly the font is white.
Spike: Ahhhh, my head. I think I'm sobering up. It's horrible. Ah... God... I wish I was dead.
Spike: What's this? Sittin' around watching the telly while there's evil still afoot? It's not very industrious of you. I say we go out there and kick a little demon ass! What, can't go without your Buffy, is that it? Let's find her! She is the chosen one, after all. Come on! Vampires! Grrr! Nasty! Let's annihilate them, for justice, and for... the safety of puppies... and Christmas, right? Let's fight that evil! Let's kill something! Oh, come on!
Spike: Death is your art. You make it with your hands day after day. That final gasp, that look of peace. And part of you is desperate to know: What's it like? Where does it lead you? And now you see, that's the secret. Not the punch you didn't throw or the kicks you didn't land. She really wanted it. Every Slayer has a death wish. Even you.
Spike: So when do we destroy the world, already?
Spike: It's a big rock. I can't wait to tell my friends. They don't have a rock this big.
Spike: You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love 'til it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other 'til it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Real love isn't brains, children. It's blood. It's blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it.
Spike: I did a couple of slayers in my time. I don't like to brag. Who am I kidding? I love to brag. One time, during the Boxer Rebellion…
Spike: If every vampire who said he was at the Crucifixion was actually there it would've been like Woodstock. I was at Woodstock. I fed off a flower person and I spent six hours watching my hand move.
(In response to being asked to fight a troll)
Spike: I would, but I'm paralyzed with not caring very much.
Spike: I'm bad! It's just I can't bite anymore, thanks to you wankers... Bye the bye, if you're trying to kill her..." (gives Riley two thumbs up)
Spike: A slayer with family and friends. That sure as hell wasn't in the brochure.
Spike: We like to talk big... vampires do. "I'm going to destroy the world." That's just tough-guy talk. Strutting around with your friends over a pint of blood. The truth is, I _like_ this world. You've got...dog racing, Manchester United. And you've got people. Billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with legs. It's all right here. But then someone comes along with a vision. With a real... passion for destruction. Angel could pull it off. Good-bye, Picadilly. Farewell, Leicester-bloody-Square.
Spike: Help me out here, Spock, I don't speak loser.
Spike: Hey, I don't wanna keep you all from the touchy-feelies, but maybe the encounter group can meet later. Say, when we're not trapped in a house.
(To Buffy as they are trapped in her house the day after her birthday.)
Spike: So, you ever think about *not* celebrating a birthday? Just to try it, I mean.
Spike: You were my sire, man! You were my... Yoda.
Spike: Do I have anyone on watch here?! It's called security, people. Are you all asleep? Or did we finally find a restaurant that delivers?
Spike: The bird's dead, Dru. You left it in a cage, and you didn't feed it, and now it's all dead, just like the last one.
Spike: I'm really glad I came here, you know? I've been all wrongheaded about this. Weeping, crawling, blaming everybody else. I want Dru back, I've just gotta be the man I was, the man she loved. I'm gonna do what I shoulda done in the first place: I'll find her, wherever she is, tie her up, torture her until she likes me again. Love's a funny thing.
Spike: I know I'm not the first choice for heroics. And Buffy's tried to kill me more than once. And I don't fancy a single one of you at all but...actually all that sounds pretty convincing.
Spike: You know you take the killing for granted. And then it's gone. And you're like, I wish I'd appreciated it more. Stopped and smelled the corpses.
Spike: Right about the time you became so pig-headed. You have your way with him, you'll never get to destroy the world. And I don't fancy spending the next month trying to get librarian out of the carpet. There are other ways.
Spike: It's paradise. Big windows, lovely gardens. It'll be perfect when we want the sunlight to kill us.
Spike: Well, our old place was just fine 'til you went and had it burned down.
Spike: She just left. She didn't even care enough to cut off my head or set me on fire. I mean, is that too much to ask? You know? Some little sign that she cared?
Spike: It was that truce with Buffy that did it. Dru said I'd gone soft. Wasn't demon enough for the likes of her. And I told her it didn't mean anything, I was thinking of her the whole time, but she didn't care. So, we got to Brazil, and she was... she was just different. I gave her everything: beautiful jewels, beautiful dresses with beautiful girls in them, but nothing made her happy. And she would fliiirt! I caught her on a park bench, making out with a chaos demon! Have you ever seen a chaos demon? They're all slime and antlers. They're disgusting. She only did it to hurt me. So I said, 'I'm not putting up with this anymore.' And she said, 'Fine!' And I said, 'Yeah, I've got an unlife, you know!' And then she said... she said we could still be friends. God, I'm so unhappy!
Spike: No, this is different. Our love was eternal. Literally.
Spike: Listen to me, you stupid bint. This gem is everything. I came back to Sunnydale for it, a place which has witnessed some truly spectacular kickings of my ass.
Spike: Isn't it a fantastic day? Birds singin', squirrels making lots of rotten little squirrels, sun beamin' down in a nice non-fatal way. It's very exciting. Can't wait to see if I freckle.
Spike: You know there are quite a few American beers that are highly underrated. This, unfortunately, is not one of them.
Spike: Death is on your heels, baby. And sooner or later, it's gonna catch you. And part of you wants it. Not only to stop the fear and uncertainty, but because you're just a little bit in love with it.
Spike: "Beneath me." I'll show her. Six bloody feet beneath me. Hasn't got a death wish? Bitch won't need one.
Spike: Well, that was sad. I'm embarrassed for our kind.
Spike: Damn right I'm impure, I'm as impure as the driven yellow snow! Let me go!
Spike: Is everyone here very stoned?
Spike: I know you'll never love me. I know that I'm a monster. But you treat me like a man, and that's...
Spike: The thing about magic? There's always consequences. Always.
Spike: I do remember what I said. The promise. To protect her. If I'd done that ... even if I didn't make it, you wouldn't've had to jump. I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted, of course. But after that. Every night after that. I'd see it all again, do something different. Faster or more clever, you know? Dozens of times, lots of different ways ...Every night I save you.
Spike: Want me to take 'em out? Give me a hell of a headache, but I could probably thin the herd a little.
Spike: Dad can drive. He's bound to have some classic midlife-crisis transport. Something red, shiny, shaped like a penis.
Spike: I'm a hero really. I mean, to be cast such an ugly lot in life and then to rise above it. To seek out better, nobler things. It's inspirational, isn't it? And the two of us...natural enemies, thrown together to stand against the forces of darkness. Utter trust. No thought of me biting you, no thought of you staking me.
Angelus: I wanna torture you. I used to love it, and it's been such a long time. I mean, the last time I tortured someone, they didn't even *have* chainsaws.
Angel: I can walk like a man but I'm not one.
Angel: I'm weak. I've never been anything else. I wanted to lose myself in you. I know it will cost me my soul, and part of me didn't care. It's not the demon in me that needs killing, Buffy, it's the man.
Angel: I fed on a girl your age. Beautiful. Dumb as a post.
Angelus: Acathla the demon came forth to swallow the world. He was killed by a virtuous knight who pierced the demon's heart before he could draw a breath to perform the act. Acathla turned to stone, as demons sometimes do, and was buried where neither man nor demon would want to look. Unless of course they're putting up low-rent housing.
Angel: She did it! I'll be damned!
Angel: It's alright. A vampire can't come in unless it's invited.
Angel: Why not? I killed mine. I killed their friends... and their friend's children... For a hundred years I offered ugly death to everyone I met, and I did it with a song in my heart.
Angel: I’ll get it. It's not like I need the oxygen.
Angel: You know, I'm a little rusty when it comes to killing humans. It could take a while.
Angelus: Well, it's not really the kind of message you tell. It sort of involves finding the bodies of all your friends.
Angelus: Spike, my boy, you really don't get it! Do you? You tried to kill her, but you couldn't. Look at you. You're a wreck! She's stronger than any Slayer you've ever faced. Force won't get it done. You gotta work from the inside. To kill this girl... you have to love her.
Angelus: I guess I really did drive you crazy.
Angel: I heard about this. People are talking. People are even talking to me.
Angel: I'm sorry about the chains. It's not that I don't trust you... Actually, it is that I don't trust you.
Angel: It's like talking to a wall. Only you get more from a wall.
Angel: Let me guess, you summoned back the true Angelus because you need a new boy toy.
Angelus: Oh, yeah. Acathla. He's an even harder guy to wake up than you are. I mean, I performed the rituals, said all the right phrases...blood on my hand. Got nothing. Big doughnut hole for my troubles. I figure you know the ritual. You're pretty up on these things. You could probably...tell me what I'm doing wrong. But honestly, I sorta hope you don't...'Cause I *really* wanna torture you.
Angel: It's good to be back in Sunnydale. Nice climate, plenty to eat, no tortured humanity to hold me down.
Angel: Thanks... so much. It's good to have the taste of a Slayer back in my mouth. It's like cigarettes, you know? Just when I thought I'd quit. No, really, don't get up.
Angel: At the hospital, he was grieving. Seriously crazed and not just in a homicidal-I-want-to-be-a-demon way.
Angelus: Well, maybe next time I'll bring you with me, Spike. Might be handy to have you around if I ever need a really good parking space.
Angelus: Oh, my cure? No, thanks. Been there, done that, and deja vu just isn't what it used to be.
Angel: Milady, you'll find that with the exception of an honest day's work, there's no challenge I'm not prepared to face.
Angelus: My friends... we're about to make history... end.
Mayor Wilkins: There's more than one way to skin a cat. And I happen to know that factually that's true.
Cordelia: Everything has been taken away because Daddy made a little mistake on his taxes... for the last twelve years.
Forrest: This is the burden we bear, brother. We have a gig that would inevitably cause any girl living to think we are cool upon cool. Yet, we must Clark Kent our way through the dating scene, never to use our unfair advantage. Thank God we're pretty.
Cordelia: Great, now I'm gonna be stuck with serious thoughts all day.
Cordelia: I do what I want to do. And I wear what I want to wear. And you know what, I'll date whoever the hell I want to date... no matter how lame he is.
Principal Snyder: There are things I will not tolerate: students loitering on campus after school, horrible murders with hearts being removed. And also smoking.
Principal Snyder: A lot of educators tell students, "Think of your principal as your pal." I say, "Think of me as your judge, jury, and executioner."
Doctor: Buffy, you used to create these grand villains to battle against, and now what is it? Just ordinary students you went to high school with. No gods or monsters ... just three pathetic little men ... who like playing with toys.
Principal Snyder: It's fuzzy-minded liberal thinking like that that gets you eaten.
Ethan Rayne: I've got to learn to just do the damage and leave town. It's the stay-'n'-gloat that gets me every time.
Anya: For a thousand years I wielded the power of the wish. I brought ruin upon the heads of unfaithful men; I offered destruction and chaos for the pleasure of the lower beings. I was feared and worshipped across the mortal globe and now I'm stuck at Sunnydale High. A mortal! A child! And I'm flunking math.
Cordelia: Well, evil just compounds evil, doesn't it? First, I'm sentenced to a computer tutorial on Saturday. Now I have to read some computer book. There are books on computers? Isn't the point of computers to replace books?
Oz: Sometimes when I'm sitting in class...you know, I'm not thinking about class 'cause that would never happen... I think about kissing you. And it's like everything stops, it's like, freeze frame: Willow kissage.
Oz: Looks dead, smells dead, yet it's moving around. That's interesting.
Oz: So I'm wondering, do the other cookie animals feel sort of ripped? Like, is the hippo going, "Hey, man, where are my pants? I have my hippo dignity." And you know, the monkey's just, "I mock you with my monkey pants!" And then there's a big coup in the zoo.
Mayor Wilkins: I have two words that are going to make all your troubles go away. "Miniature Golf."
Riley: When I'm around you Buffy I find myself needing to know the plural of apocalypse.
Good Guys Bad Guys
*NOTE: After Spike has the chip in his head I don't consider him to be evil anymore so his font will be white. In the latter episodes of Season 6 when Willow goes postal after Tara's death her font is in red because she has quite obviously gone bad.
Buffy: What do you want?
Angel: The same thing you do.
Buffy: Okay. What do I want?
Angel: To kill 'em. To kill 'em all.
Buffy: Sorry, that's incorrect. But, you do get this watch and a year's supply of turtle wax. What I want is to be left alone.
Willow: We were able to decipher pretty much everything except these.
(She hands Buffy half dozen sheets of a parchment inscribed with strange markings.)
Tara: It's not written in any ancient language we could identify –
Xander: (chuckling) It's Klingon. They're love poems -- (geek alert) -- which have nothing to do with the
insidious scheme you're about to describe.
Dracula: Very impressive hunt. Such power.
Buffy: That was no hunt. That was just another day on the job. Care to step up for some overtime?
Dracula: We're not going to fight.
Buffy: Do you know what a Slayer is?
Dracula: Do you?
Buffy: Who are you?
Dracula: I apologize. I assumed you knew. I am Dracula.
Buffy: Get out!
Cordelia: When did you become Martha Stewart?
Buffy: First of all, Martha Stewart knows jack about hand-cut prosciutto.
Xander: I don't believe she slays, either.
Oz: Oh, I hear she can, but she doesn't like to.
Faith: When I'm fighting, it's like the whole world goes away. I only know one thing: that I'm gonna win, and they're gonna lose. I like that feeling.
Buffy: Well sure, beats that "dead" feeling you get when they win and you lose.
Faith: You can't trust guys.
Buffy: You can trust some guys. Really, I've read about them.
Angelus: No weapons... no friends... no hope. Take all that away and what's left?
Buffy: Me.
Willow: Maybe we shouldn't be too coupley around Buffy.
Cordelia: Oh, you mean 'cause of how the only guy that ever liked her turned into a vicious killer and had to be put down like a dog?
Xander: Can she cram complex issues into a nutshell, or what?
Anya: I swear, I am just trying to find my necklace.
Willow: Well, did you try looking inside the sofa in hell?
Buffy: Do you remember that demon that almost got out the night I died?
Willow: Every nightmare I have that doesn't revolve around academic failure or public nudity is about that thing. In fact, once I dreamt that it attacked me while I was late for a test and naked.
Buffy: What should we do with the trio over here? Should we burn them?
Willow: I brought marshmallows.
Buffy: It's over.
Spike: I've memorized this tune, luv. Think I have the sheet music. Doesn't change what you want.
Buffy: I know that. I do want you. Being with you ... makes things ... simpler. For a little while.
Spike: I don't call five hours straight a little while.
Buffy: I'm using you. I can't love you. I'm just ... being weak, and selfish...
Spike: Really not complaining here.
Buffy: ...and it's killing me. I have to be strong about this. I'm sorry ... William.
Spike: Should I really trust you?
Adam: Scout's honor.
Spike: You were a Boy Scout?
Adam: Parts of me.
Harmony: Is Antonio Banderas a vampire?
Spike: No.
Harmony: Can I make him one?
Spike: No. On second thought, yes. Go make him a vampire. Take your time. Get Melanie and the kids, too.
Spike: Where have you been pet?
Drusilla: I went for a walk. I met an old man. I didn't like him, he got stuck in my teeth.
Anya: Listen, I have this little project I'm working on, and I heard you were the person to ask if…
Willow: Yeah, that's me. Reliable dog-geyser-person.
Xander: So, we Bronzin' it tonight?
Willow: Wednesdays, kinda beat...
Xander: Well, we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer, but, gosh, we did that last night.
Buffy: Who are you?
Angel: Let's just say, I'm a friend.
Buffy: Yeah, maybe I don't want a friend.
Angel: I didn't say I was yours.
Anya: What a day. Gimme a beer.
Bartender: (deadpan) ID.
(Anya glares at him.)
Bartender: (deadpan) ID.
Anya: I'm eleven hundred and twenty years old! Just gimme a frickin' beer!
Bartender: (deadpan) ID.
Anya: (sigh) Gimme a Coke.
Anya: You know this isn't your world, right? I mean, you know you don't belong here.
Vamp Willow: No. This is a dumb world. On my world, there are people in chains, and we can ride them like ponies.
Anya: You dosed her. You knew she was going to take your powers all along.
Giles: W-well, I knew there was a possibility. The gift I was given by the coven was the true essence of Magic. Which comes, in all it's purity, from the Earth itself. Willow's magic came from a place of rage and power.
Anya: Oh, and vengeance. Don't forget vengeance.
Giles: How... could I? In any case, the magic she took from me tapped into the spark of humanity she had left. Allowed her to feel again... Giving Xander the opportunity to reach her.
Anya: Xander?
Giles: Yes. It was he that got to her in time. (looking at her) He saved us all.
Spike: What, your Mom doesn't know?
Joyce: Know what?
Buffy: That I'm, uh...in a band. A rock band...with Spike here.
Spike: Right. She plays the-the triangle...
Buffy: Drums.
Spike: Drums, yeah. She's hell on the old skins, you know.
Joyce: (to Spike) And what do you do?
Spike: Well I sing.
Willow: So, how did it go?
Xander: On a scale from one to ten? It sucked.
Ford: I wanna be like you...A vampire.
Spike: I've known you for two minutes and I can't stand you. I don't really feature you living forever. Can I eat him now love?
Xander: You're considered somewhat cool.
Oz: I am?
Xander: Is it because you always tend to express yourself in short, non-commital sentences?
Oz: Could be.
Anya: Men like sports. I'm sure of it.
Xander: Yes. Men like sports. Men watch the action movie, they eat of the beef, and they enjoy to look at the bosoms. A thousand years of avenging our wrongs, and that's all you've learned?
Wesley: The Council's orders are to concentrate on the…
Buffy: Orders. I don't think I'm going to be taking any more orders. Not from you, not from them.
Wesley: You can't turn your back on the Council.
Buffy: They're in England. I don't think they can tell which way my back is facing.
Buffy: You read my diary? That is not OK. A diary is like a person's most private possession. You don't even know what I was writing about. Hunk can mean a lot of things, bad things. And, and when I said his eyes were penetrating, I meant bulging.
Angel: Buffy...
Buffy: A doesn't even stand for Angel for that matter. It stand for Achmed, a charming foreign exchange student. And that whole fantasy part has nothing to even do with you, at all...
Angel: Your mother moved your diary when she came in to straighten up. I watched her from the closet. I didn't read it, I swear.
Buffy: Oh.
Xander: I still don't know why we had to come here to look up information on a killer snot monster.
Giles: Because it's a killer snot monster from outer space. ...I did not say that.
Buffy: You sound like Mr. Initiative! "Demons bad, people good."
Riley: Something wrong with that theorem?
Spike: Do I have anyone on watch here? It's called security, people. Are you all asleep? Or did we finally find a restaurant that delivers?
Ford: I know who you are.
Spike: Yeah, I know who I am too, so what?
Buffy: I can't believe you got into Oxford!
Willow: It's pretty exciting.
Oz: That's some deep academia there.
Buffy: That's where they make Gileses!
Willow: I know! I can learn, and have scones!
Anya: I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of the species, and I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them.
Xander: Then why are you talking to me?
Anya: I don't have a date for the prom.
Xander: Well, gosh, I wonder why not? It couldn't possibly have anything to do with your sales pitch.
Anya: Men are evil. Will you go with me?
Angelus: You know, I never properly thanked you for sending me to Hell.
Buffy: No...
Angelus: I'm wondering, where do I start? A card, fruit basket, hmm? Evisceration?
Xander: The mayor is gonna kill us all during graduation.
Cordelia: Oh. Are you gonna go to fifth period?
Xander: I'm thinking I might skip it.
Cordelia: Yeah. Me too.
Buffy: The world is what it is---we fight, we die. Wishing doesn't change that.
Giles: I have to believe in a better world.
Buffy: Go ahead. I have to live in this one.
Buffy: Your logic does not resemble our Earth logic.
Xander: Mine's much more advanced.
Harmony: How are you gonna kill her? Think! The second you even point that thing at her, you're gonna be all "Aaagh!" (holding her hand to her head in imitation of Spike), and then you'll get bitch-slapped up and down Main Street, unless she's finally had enough and just stakes you!
Spike: Sure, it'll hurt like hell for about two hours. But she'll be dead just a little longer than that.
Xander: Nice. Look who's got a bad case of Dark Prince envy.
Dracula: I have no interest in you. Leave us.
Xander: No, we're not going to (imitates Dracula's accent) leave you. And where'd you get that accent Sesame Street? One, two, three - three victims. Mwah, ha, ha, ha!
Buffy: Xander, I'm pretty sure that's Dracula.
Xander: Wow, really? Hey, sorry, man, I was... just jokin' around.
Buffy: We have a marching jazz band?
Oz: Yeah, but, you know, since the best jazz is improvisational, we'd be going off in all directions, banging into floats... scary.
Willow: He's just being Oz.
Oz: Pretty much full time.
Vamp Xander: Isn't that what they called The Slayer?
Vamp Willow: Buffy, ohh scary.
Vamp Xander: Someone has to talk to her people. That name is striking fear in nobody's hearts.
Angel: The Master arose. He let me live... to punish me. I kept hoping you'd come. My destiny...
Buffy: Is this a get-in-my-pants thing? You guys in Sunnydale talk like I'm the second coming.
Anyanka: You trusting fool. How do you know the other world is any better than this?
Giles: Because it has to be.
Xander: So, Buffy, how'd the slaying go last night?
Buffy: Xander!
Xander: I mean, how'd the laying go? No, I don't mean that either.
Angelus: "Dear Buffy..." Hmmm. I'm still trying to decide the best way to send my regards.
Spike: Why don't you rip her lungs out? That might make an impression.
Angelus: Lacks... poetry.
Spike: Doesn't have to. What rhymes with lungs?
Drusilla: Your face is a poem. I can read it.
Xander: It doesn't say "spare me" by any chance?
Buffy: No, but, see, Mom, that doesn't really work for me. We're just going to the magic shop, no school supplies there.
Dawn: Yeah, Mom. I'm not going to Hogwarts. (chuckles) Hog- (looks at Buffy, who's not amused) Jeez, crack a book sometime.
Spike: Whatcha doin', love?
Drusilla: I'm naming the stars.
Spike: You can't see the stars, love. That's the ceiling. Also it's day.
Drusilla: No, I can see them. But I've named them all the same name, and there's terrible confusion.
Buffy: I wish we could be regular kids.
Angel: I'll never be a kid.
Buffy: Okay then, a regular kid and her cradle-robbing creature-of-the-night boyfriend.
Willow: You can't stop this.
Xander: Yeah, I get that. It's just - where else am I going to go? You've been my best friend my whole life. World gonna end - where else would I want to be?
Willow: Is this the master plan? You're going to stop me by telling me you love me?
Xander: Well, I was going to walk you off a cliff and hand you an anvil, but it seemed kinda cartoony.
Willow: Still making jokes.
Xander: I'm not joking. I know you're in pain. I can't imagine the pain you're in. I know you're about to do something apocalyptically evil and stupid and hey, still want to hang. You're Willow.
Anya: I know what broke up him and Cordelia, you know. It was you! And your lips!
Willow: No, it was not! Well, yes it was so, but... that was a long time ago, do you think I'd do that again?
Anya: Why not?
Willow: Hello? Gay now!
Oz: So, do you steal weapons from the Army often?
Willow: Well, we don't get cable, so we have to make our own fun.
Xander: You were looking at my neck.
Angel: What?
Xander: You were checking out my neck. I saw that.
Angel: No, I wasn't.
Xander: Just keep your distance, pal.
Angel: I wasn't looking at your neck.
Xander: I told you to eat before we left.
Xander: Yep, vampires are real. A lot of 'em live in Sunnydale. Willow'll fill you in.
Willow: I know it's hard to accept at first.
Oz: Actually, it explains a lot.
Principal Snyder: There are some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense.
Giles: No, actually, that would be one of the five.
Buffy: Vampires are creeps.
Giles: Yes. That's why one slays them.
Spike: In that case, why won't you sleep with me again?
Buffy: Because I don't love you.
Spike: (to himself) Like hell.
Warren: Look at him.
Andrew: He's got that same look on his face, the one he had that time I highlighted in his Babylon 5 novels.
Dawn: Are we the International House of something?
Buffy: Nope. Got up early, and it felt like a breakfast kind of morning. Okay, what kind of syrup do you want on your pancakes?
Dawn: Syrups have kinds?
Dawn: Well, you guys went out patrolling every night when you were my age.
Buffy: True ... but technically, you're one-and-a-half.
Andrew: You think they'll let my aunt bring me my disc man?
Jonathan: That's what you're worried about? In-flight entertainment? We're in jail…
Andrew: We're in custody. We haven't been charged yet…
Jonathan: Thank you, Dragnet.
Willow: Xander, wanna stay and help me?
Xander: Are you kidding?
Willow: Yes, it was a joke I made up.
Buffy: Have I ever let you down?
Giles: Do you want me to answer that, or shall I just glare?
Cordelia: I guess you should know since you helped raise that demon that killed that guy that time.
Giles: Yes, do bring that up as often as possible.
Xander: Yeah, I'm gonna have to go with dead boy on this one.
Angel: Could you not call me that?
Buffy: Ahh, it's okay. Gave Cord and I chance to spend some quality death time.
Cordelia: And we got these free corsages.
Buffy: Hey, I know! Why don't you kill them?
Giles: I'm a Watcher, I haven't the skill.
Buffy: Oh, come on. A stake through the heart, a little sunlight. It's like falling off a log.
Buffy: I'm sorry, it's just been a really weird day.
Xander: Yeah, Buffy died and everything.
Willow: Wow, harsh.
Buffy: Mom, the only way you get a new slayer is if the old slayer dies.
Joyce: Then that means you... When did you die? You never told me you died.
Buffy: It was just for a few minutes.
Buffy: Now, we can do this the hard way or... well, actually, there's just the hard way.
Darla: That's fine with me.
Buffy: Are you sure? Now this is not gonna be pretty. We're talking violence, strong language, adult content.
Buffy: See, this is a school. And we have students and they check out books and then they learn things.
Giles: I was beginning to suspect that was a myth.
Drusilla: How do you feel about eternal life?
Xander: We couldn't just start with coffee?
Giles: Alright. I'll just jump into my time machine, go back to the 12th century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show.
Buffy: Okay, at this point you're abusing sarcasm.
Giles: I suspect your mother would want to... put it on the refrigerator.
Buffy: Yeah. She saw these scores and her head spun around and exploded.
Giles: I've been on the Hellmouth too long, that was metaphorical, yes?
Buffy: Yes.
Joyce: Something's gonna eat those babies?
Principal Snyder: I think that is so wrong.
Joyce: You belong in a good old fashioned college with keg parties and boys. Not here with Hellmouths and vampires.
Buffy: Not really seeing the distinction.
The Master: You were destined to die, it was written.
Buffy: What can I say? I flunked the written.
Oz: It's Willow, she's nearby.
Cordelia: What? You can smell her? She doesn't even wear perfume.
Oz: She's afraid.
Cordelia: Oh my God, is this some sort of residual werewolf thing? This is very disturbing.
Oz: I really agree.
Willow: You just don't like him 'cause of that time he beat you up every day for five years.
Xander: Yeah, I'm irrational that way.
Xander: How could you let her go?
Giles: As the soon-to-be-purple area on my jaw will attest, I did not "let" her go.
Xander: The band, yeah. They're great. They march.
Willow: Like an army. Except with music, instead of bullets, and usually no one dies.
Buffy: I told one lie... I had one drink...
Giles: Yes. And you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words, "Let that be a lesson" are a tad redundant at this juncture.
Angel: I knew this was gonna happen.
Buffy: What? What do you think is happening?
Angel: You're 16 years old, I'm 241.
Buffy: I've done the math.
Angel: You don't know what you're doing. You don't know what you want.
Buffy: Oh, no. I think I do. I want out of this conversation.
Giles: Might I have a word?
Buffy: Have a sentence even.
Xander: I don't get your crazy system!
Giles: It's called the alphabet.
Xander: Would ya look at that.
Jenny: You're here again? You kids really dig the library don't you?
Buffy: We're literary.
Xander: To read makes our speaking English good.
Buffy: Does it ever get easy?
Giles: You mean life?
Buffy: Yeah, does it ever get easy?
Giles: What do you want me to say?
Buffy: Lie to me.
Giles: Yes. It's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true. The bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies... and everyone lives happily ever after.
Buffy: Liar.
Buffy: You know, for someone who teaches human behavior, you might try showing some.
Professor Walsh: It's not my job to coddle my students.
Buffy: You're right. A human being in pain has nothing to do with your job. (leaves)
Professor Walsh: I like her.
Riley: Really? You don't think she's a little peculiar?
Buffy: I told you. I said end of the world. And you're like, "Pooh-pooh, Southern California, pooh-pooh."
Giles: I'm so very sorry. My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse.
Riley: I thought maybe we could have a little spread. Sandwiches, maybe some ants. Could be fun.
Buffy: We were talking about a picnic?
Riley: Oh... so, was that a conversation I actually had or one I was just practicing?
Buffy: Hello to the pain.
Willow: The pain is not a friend.
Riley: We've been tear-assing through every jungle from Paraguay up, taking out nests. As soon as we put one Suvolte down, a dozen take its place. They're breeders, Buffy. One turns into ten, ten becomes a hundred. This gets out of hand and there's a war with humans? Humans are gonna lose.
Buffy: So they're like really mean tribbles. (Riley gives her another look) Sorry, I've been dealing with these, these geeks, it's, it's a whole thing.
Buffy: Oh, look at my poor neck... all bare and tender and exposed. All that blood, just pumping away.
Giles: Oh, please.
Spike: Giles, make her stop!
Giles: If those two don't kill each other, I might lend a hand.
Xander: Jeez. You mean Oz just sent for his stuff and didn't even call her? That's pretty harsh.
Anya: I only wish I had my powers back. I'd liquefy his entrails for her.
Xander: That's sweet.
Giles: But this is why I think we should all keep a level head in this.
Willow: And I happen to think mine is the level head and yours is the one things would roll off of.
Buffy: Cool. You guys can do the brain thing. I'm gonna go to class.
Oz: Which could also be construed as the brain thing.
Giles: I need you to take Spike for a few days.
Xander: What?
Spike: What?
Anya: What?
Spike: I'm not stayin' with him.
Giles: I have a friend who's coming to town, and I'd like us to be alone.
Anya: Oh, you mean an orgasm friend?
Giles: Yes, that's exactly the most appalling thing you could have said.
Spike: We're out of Wheat-a-Bix.
Giles: We are out of Wheat-a-Bix because you ate it all. Again.
Spike: Get some more.
Giles: I thought vampires were supposed to eat blood.
Spike: Yeah, well, sometimes I like to crumble up the Wheat-a-Bix in the blood. Gives it a little texture.
Giles: Since the picture you just painted means that I will never touch food of any kind again, you'll just have to pick it up yourself.
Spike: Sissy.
Adam: You failed me.
Spike: Let's not quibble about who failed who.
Angel: Buffy, careful with this gift. Lots of things that seem strong and good and powerful, they can be painful.
Buffy: Like, say, immortality?
Angel: Exactly. I'm dying to get rid of that.
Buffy: Funny.
Angel: I'm a funny guy.
Angel: This isn't some fairy tale. When I kiss you... you don't wake up from a deep sleep and live happily ever after.
Buffy: No... when you kiss me, I wanna die.
(After finding Spike outside her house.)
Buffy: What are you doing here, Spike? Five words or less!
Spike: (counting on fingers) Out... for... a... walk... bitch.
Rack: If I were you, I'd be worried about the witch.
Warren: Witch? Which witch?
Rack: Willow. Slayer's pal. She's the new power, man - anybody with intuition can feel it. She's going to blow this town away - starting with you.
Xander: Oh my God... Are you okay?
Buffy: Sure. How'd I get here?
Xander: You've got to stop doing this. I mean the dying thing is funny once. Maybe twice-
Oz: We survived.
Buffy: Yeah, it was some battle.
Oz: I meant high school.
Dawn: What are you doing?
Buffy: My boyfriend!
Willow: Oz is a werewolf.
Buffy: It's a long story.
Oz: Got bit.
Buffy: But obviously not that long.
Buffy: Every time you show up like this, you risk all your parts, you know that?
Spike: I wouldn't be here if I didn't have a good reason. As usual, I'm here to help you and I... are you naked under there?
Buffy: Get out.
Spike: No, I'm serious. I mean, not about the naked part...
Cordelia: You're really campaigning for bitch of the year, aren't you?
Buffy: As defending champion, you nervous?
Cordelia: I can hold my own.
Xander: All right, where is he? Where's the creep who turned me into a spider-eating man-bitch?
Buffy: He's gone.
Xander: Dammit. You know what? I'm sick of this. I'm tired of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm through being everybody's butt-monkey!
Buffy: Check. No more butt-monkey.
Buffy: Angel, do you snore?
Angel: I don't know. It's been a long time since anyone's been in a position to let me know.
Ford: What happened?
Spike: We're stuck in a basement.
Ford: Buffy?
Spike: She's not stuck in a basement.
Willy: What are you gonna' do with him, anyway?
Spike: I'm thinkin' maybe dinner and a movie. I don't want to rush into anything. I've been hurt, you know.
Buffy: Do we really need weapons for this?
Spike: I just like them. They make me feel all manly.
Spike: What's Big Blue doing anyway?
The Judge: I am preparing.
Spike: It's interesting to me that preparing looks a great bit like sitting on your ass.
Xander: This is just too much. I mean, yesterday's my life like, uh oh, pop quiz. Today, it's rain of toads.
Giles: (scoffs) Magic! Magic's all balderdash and chicanery. I'm afraid we don't know a bloody thing. (everyone looking at him) Except I seem to be British, don't I? Uh, and a man. With ... glasses. (removes glasses) Well, that narrows it down considerably.
Spike: Oh, listen to Mary Poppins. He's got his crust all stiff and upper with that nancy-boy accent. (everyone looking at him) You Englishmen are always so... (pauses) Bloody hell! (ticks off on his fingers) Sodding, blimey, shagging, knickers, bollocks, oh God! I'm English!
Giles: Welcome to the nancy tribe.
Spike: 'Made with care for Randy.' (looks at Giles angrily) Randy Giles? Why not just call me 'Horny Giles,' or 'Desperate for a Shag Giles'? I knew there was a reason I hated you!
Giles: Randy's ... a family name, undoubtedly.
Riley: Way I heard it. You were all peaceable now. You didn't by any chance go and lose that pesky soul again, did you?
Angel: Don't push me, boy.
Riley: Now what possibly could've happened with Buffy that would make you lose your soul?
Angel: That'd be between me and her.
Riley: Where do you think you're going?
Angel: Going to see an old girlfriend.
Riley: Buffy . . . I feel like we've gotten really close. At least I thought we had. I don't know much about Angel or your relationship with him . . but . . . all I ask is . . if you're gonna break heart, do it fast.
Buffy: What? You think that Angel and I…
Riley: Didn't you?
Buffy: No. Of course not. How can you even ask me that?
Riley: I don't know. Xander said…
Buffy: Xander?! Oh, he's the deadest man in Deadonia.
Riley: And, uh after that, I went a little nuts! You know? I mean…on the one hand …I should believe in us. But on the other…Sometimes things happen between exes and when I saw that he was bad…
Buffy: He's not bad.
Riley: Seriously? That's a good day? Well, there you go. Even when he's good he's all Mister Billowy Coat King of Pain and girls really-
Buffy: Then why with the crazy?
Riley: Because I'm so in love with you I can't think straight.
Buffy: Okay, well, how long before you un-crypt it?
Willow: Hours. Days maybe. Anyone suggesting months would not be accused of crazy talk.
Giles: You never train with me anymore. He's gonna kick your ass.
Buffy: Giles!
Xander: Oh. Okay. You and Willow go do the superpower thing, I'll stay behind and putt around the Batcave with crusty old Alfred here.
Giles: Ah-ah, no. I am no Alfred, sir. No, you forget. Alfred had a job.
Buffy: What the hell are you doing?
Spike: I thought they were demons.
Buffy: Way to go with the keen observiness, Jessica Fletcher.
Warren: Dude, what are you doing?
Jonathan: We're not breaking into Langley here. It's Sunnydale.
Andrew: Well, you never know what new stuff they have, better safe than-
Warren: Okay, the security system here is a guy named Rusty.
Amy: Mm-hm. Yeah. Just ... you know. Everything feels weird. I mean, it's like ... I felt like I was in that cage for weeks. But it can still be okay ... right? I-I can still get into the swing of things, like ... prom's coming up. I-I'm so hoping Larry would ask me. We would make such a splash at- (sees Willow's expression) Oh. Oh god. He hasn't asked someone else, has he?
Willow: Uh, Amy ... three things we have to talk about. One, Larry's gay. (Amy staring at her) Two, Larry's dead. And three, high school's ... kinda over.
Amy: Hi Buffy.
Buffy: Hi. How've you been?
Amy: Rat. You?
Buffy: Dead.
Amy: Oh.
Amy: Sorry about your mom.
Buffy: (softly) Thanks.
Amy: It's crazy, all the things that've happened since I went away.
Buffy: No kidding.
Amy: Snyder got eaten by a snake ... high school got destroyed...
Buffy: Oh, Gatorade has a new flavor. Blue.
Amy: See? Head spinning. People getting frozen ... Willow's dating girls ... and did you hear about Tom and Nicole?!
Spike: Knock knock, robot boy. (knocks on Warren's head) Need you to look at my chip.
Jonathan: Is that like, British slang or something? 'Cause we're not-
Spike: In my head, the chip in my head.
Warren: We're kind of in the middle of something.
Spike: Well, you can play holodeck another time. Right now, I'm in charge.
Spike: Examine my chip, or else Mister... (looks at the label on the stand) ...Fett here is the first to die.
Jonathan: Hey, all right, let's not, let's not do anything crazy here.
Andrew: That's a limited edition, 1979 mint condition Boba Fett.
Warren: All right, dude ... chill. You can still make it right. You know you don't wanna do this.
Spike: What I want ... is answers, nimrod.
Warren: Right. But you don't wanna hurt the Fett, 'cause man, you're *not* comin' back from that. You know, you don't just do that and walk away.
Andrew: You're English, right?
Spike: (suspiciously) Yeah.
Andrew: I've seen every episode of Doctor Who. (Spike continues frowning) Not Red Dwarf, though, 'cause, um...
Jonathan: 'Cause it's not out yet on DVD.
Andrew: Right. It's not out on ... (weakly) DVD.
Xander: Anya has a theory. She thinks that Martha Stewart froze that guy.
Anya: Don't be ridiculous. Martha Stewart isn't a demon. (to Buffy) She's a witch.
Xander: Please, she- (pauses) Really?
Anya: Of course. Nobody could do that much decoupage without calling on the powers of darkness.
Dawn: Buffy called. She said she was going straight from the Magic Box to do some patrolling.
Willow: Oh, did she need help?
Dawn: No, she was just calling to check in. For like the tenth time today. I think she's feeling all Joan Crawford 'cause of the other night.
Buffy: Get dressed. Dawn's missing.
Spike: Again? Ever think about a Lojack for the girl?
Willow: The magic wasn't all great. I won't miss the nosebleeds and the headaches and stuff.
Buffy: There you go.
Willow: Or ... keeping stinky yak cheese in my bra. (Buffy frowns) Don't ask.
Warren: I mean, it still needs a trial run, but it's-
Jonathan: Kind of clunky-looking.
Warren: What?!
Andrew: I pictured something cooler. More ILM, less Ed Wood.
Buffy: Spike ... this nice woman is, uh, from Social Services?
Spike: Oh, right! Uh ... hey! Buffy's a great mom. She takes good care of her little sis. (Both Buffy and Ms. Kroger smiling) Like, um, when Dawn was hanging out too much in my crypt, Buffy put a right stop to it.
Ms. Kroger: (frowning) I'm sorry, did you say-
Buffy: Crib! He said crib. You know kids today and their buggin' street slang.
Willow: It was nothing, I ... I-I didn't slip.
Xander: Will, nobody's mad. Relapse is a part of recovery, we understand that. We just have to figure a way to fix it.
Willow: (confused) Fix what?
Xander: Fix Buffy.
Willow: Buffy's broken?
Manny: Interesting, isn't it?
Buffy: (fake smile) Oh yes! Like how the cow and the chicken come together even though they've never met. It's like Sleepless in Seattle if, if Meg and Tom were, like, minced.
Anya: Well, time is running very short. After Willow gave us the 'whoosh' engagement party, I got slack on the planning 'cause I figured she'd help, but, well, now that's all been blown to hell.
Willow: Hey, standing right here! Standing right exactly here.
Anya: Sorry. Didn't mean to tempt you.
Spike: You're not happy here.
Buffy: (quietly) Please don't make this harder.
Spike: You don't belong here. You're something ... you're better than this.
Buffy: I need the money.
Spike: I can get money. Walk with me now, come on.
Xander: Hey, did your friend have a good time? And then leave?
Anya: (sullen) She's gone.
Xander: So, Ahn, the way she looked, with ... the face... (nervous laugh) That wasn't what you used to look like, was it?
Anya: Is there something wrong with that? I mean, did you think she was unattractive?
Xander: Okay, is there any answer to that question that won't make you nuts?
Dawn: (to Willow) What do you see?
Willow: There's no reaction.
Xander: Oh god, no! No reaction!
Willow: Which means it's not human.
Xander: (upset) It's not human! (realizing) It's not human?
Anya: Well, is it demony? I mean, maybe someone's ... you know, killing demons and using them as a cheap source of meat. I mean, we've all heard of that.
Lorraine: It's a formed and texturized vegetable-based meat-like product, suitable for grinding. It's blended with large amounts of rendered beef fat for flavor.
Buffy: Wait, the secret ingredient in the beef is ... beef?
Buffy: You know, this place is okay for a hole in the ground. You fixed it up.
Spike: Well, I ate a decorator once. Maybe something stuck.
Buffy: I've been thinking about doing something to my room.
Spike: Yeah?
Buffy: Yeah, I think the New Kids On The Block posters are starting to date me.
Warren: Oh, you're not still sore about that thing, are you?
Katrina: What *thing* would that be exactly? What, the wind-up slut you tinkered together? Or when Little Miss Nuts and Bolts tried to choke me to death?
Warren: Okay, so I've made a few mistakes.
Xander: Hey, I see sitting where there should be dancing.
Anya: Come share in the joy of our groove thang.
Willow: And despite that, I succumb to the beat.
Buffy: What? Like I'm one of those losers who can't make friends outside her tight little circle? No. I'm friendly. We bonded instantly. Peas in a pod. Bonded peas.
Anya: Really? Um, what's Sophie's last name?
Xander: (to Buffy) You wanna try poker?
Clem: Still say it's weird without the kittens.
Buffy: No kittens. (Richard giving her a funny look) He's quirky.
Tara: I thought vengeance demons only punished men who wronged women.
Halfrek: Oh, that was Anya's little raison d'être. Most of us try to be a little more well-rounded. And actually, we prefer 'justice demon.' Okay? FYI.
Buffy: Riley.
Riley: Sorry to just drop in on you like this, Buffy.
Buffy: It's you.
Riley: It's me.
Buffy: You're here.
Riley: I know.
Buffy: And ... were you always this tall?
Riley: (leans closer) Look, this isn't the way I wanted it. But something's come up, something big. We don't have much time. You understand?
Buffy: (nodding) Not a work you've said so far.
Buffy: How's your arm?
Riley: It'll heal. How you doin'?
Buffy: Complicated question.
Riley: I just meant-
Buffy: I know.
Riley: I hear ya. Got some, uh ... big stories to tell you to. If we ever get half a second.
Buffy: Did you die?
Riley: No.
Buffy: I'm gonna win.
Buffy: I'm ... Buffy the bridesmaid. (flash of lightning, clap of thunder)
Willow: Duty-schmuty. I'm supposed to be best man. Shouldn't I be all ... Marlene Dietrich-y in a dashing tuxedo number?
Buffy: No.
Willow: Oh.
Buffy: That would be totally unfair. We must share equally in the cosmic joke that is bridesmaids-dom.
Demon Teen: My family is worse.
Dawn: (scoffs) No way. Mine is so messed up you have no idea.
Demon Teen: No, just wait until you see my mom dance at the reception, okay, and then tell me who's messed up.
Dawn: (laughs) I guess they're all messed up.
Demon Teen: Yeah. Everybody's pretty lame.
Buffy: I am not telling my friends about us.
Spike: Right, I'll just be dropping him down to you then.
Buffy: You wanna tell them so badly? Go ahead. You know why? I tried to kill my friends, my sister, last week ... and guess how much they hate me. Zero. Zero much. (shrugs) So I'm thinking, sleeping with you? They'll deal.
Andrew: You have got to chill. This isn't "Oz" - it's, like, Mayberry. Besides, Warren is going to find a way get us out of here-
Jonathan: (scoffing) Yeah. I'm sure he'll be breaking us out of here any minute.
Andrew: He will. He's just coming up with a plan. Like in "War Games", remember? That decoder Matthew Broderick used?
Jonathan: Oh, yeah. That was rad. The one he made from the scissors and tape recorder?
Andrew: I miss "Ferris" Matthew. "Broadway" Matthew - I find him cold.
Jonathan: You're checking for implants?
Andrew: (defensive) Lex Luthor had a false epidermis escape kit in Superman versus the Amazing Spider-Man Treasury edition ...
Jonathan: Okay, first of all, those were sonic disrupters and second of all ...you are sadness personified. Waiting for Warren? Yeah, maybe he'll bust us out of here on Santa's magic sleigh.
Xander: Hey now - play nice, fellas, or you'll break our concentration.
Anya: Which means no protection spell...
Xander: And Willow will make sure you two boneless chickens are skinless, too.
Andrew: Then what? You think your Li'l Witch buddy's gonna stop with us? You saw her! She's a truck driving Magic Mamma. We've got maybe seconds before Darth Rosenberg grinds everybody into Jawa burgers, and not one of you bunch has the midiclorians to stop her.
Xander: You've never had any tiny bit of sex, have you?
Willow: So. Here we are.
Buffy: Are we really gonna do this?
Willow: Come on! This is a huge deal for me! Six years as a side man, and now I get to be the Slayer.
Buffy: A killer isn't a Slayer. Being a Slayer means something you can't conceive of.
Willow: Oh, Buffy. You really need to have every square inch of your ass kicked.
Buffy: Then show me what you got. And I'll show you what a Slayer is.
Willow: Buffy, I gotta tell you - I get it now. The Slayer thing really isn't about the violence. It's about the power. And there's no one in the world with the power to stop me now.
(Suddenly she’s hit by a blast of energy and knocked to the ground.)
Giles: I'd like to test that theory.
Anya: Giles, you... you have to rest.
Giles: Silly girl. I'm dying.
Anya: No, you're not.
Giles: It was... It was the only way. I thought there'd be a chance now, but... (somberly) I know where Willow's gone... She's going to finish it...
Anya: Finish what?
Giles: The world.
Willow: You won't go without a fight and I really don't have time for one. But you should go out fighting.
Buffy: Willow - what do you-
Willow: It was me that took you out of the Earth. Well, now...the Earth wants you back.
Demon: You have endured the required trials.
Spike: Bloody right I have. So, give me what I want. Make me what I was... so Buffy can get what
she deserves.
Demon: Very well. Your soul is returned to you.
