(During the reading, a puppet stage has been set up with a banner proclaiming it to be The Eek! True Halloween Story: Jonathan & Stephanie. There is music and BUBS pops over the puppet stage as the NARRATOR)
BUBS
In the Fall of 2002, while searching the internet for job postings, playwriting contests and porn, mostly porn, Jonathan M. Vick received an Instant Message on-line that would change his life forever. He responded by dumping a glass of Coke onto his keyboard and blaming the cat. It would be the first of many mistakes he would make along the way to wedded bliss.
HAL
There was never any question that he might screw it up. The screw-up was inevitable. I mean, he’s a man, right? The question was, how many times would she forgive him.
BUBS
Thanks Hal. Just returned from New York with nothing but debt and regret, Jonathan found himself on the fast track to nowhere. All right, here comes Jonathan.
(HAL pops up with a cardboard stick figure of JONATHAN)
HAL
Hey. I’m Jonathan.
BUBS
Hal, is this the best we could do?
HAL
Yep! Just go with it.
BUBS
Ok. Hey, look everybody. It’s just like the real Jonathan. You turn him sideways and he disappears!
JONATHAN PUPPET
I was on the fast track to nowhere. I bought a ticket for the small town of Fame’n’fortune, but I later found out that the station was closed for renovation. I fell asleep in the Lounge Car and before I knew it I had passed the Selling-Out Station I woke up on the Loser train; destination Nowhere.
BUBS
Jonathan and Stephanie seemed destined to be together from their first conversation. They had similar interests in horror movies, ghost stories and roller coasters. They first met in person behind Cinderella’s Castle in the Magic Kingdom where they rode Space Mountain and the Haunted Mansion, then went back to Jonathan’s empty, poverty stricken apartment to tell ghost stories. By the end of the night Stephanie was falling in love with Jonathan. They soon discovered that it was something else they had in common; they both loved Jonathan.
HAL
She mistook ego for confidence.
BUBS
In the next few minutes, we'll look at the underdog that lucked out and the charming woman who refused to give up on him. This is the making of a most bizzare marriage, the way it was meant to be. This is the story of Jonathan and Stephanie; the Eek! True Halloween Story . . . .
(HAL holds up a placard with the Eek! True Halloween Story logo)
BUBS
On January 25th, 1970, in a hospital in Munich, Germany, Jonathan M. Vick was asked to leave his place of residence, his mother’s womb. After much procrastination he was evicted just after midnight into a cold, German blizzard. He was naked and didn’t speak the language. All right, bring out Jonathan’s Mother!
(A drawing on a piece of cardboard serves as the puppet for Jonathan’s Mother)
JONATHAN’S MOTHER PUPPET
Oh, hello. I’m Jonathan’s Mummy. Jonathan was something of a surprise. We intended to have children. We just didn’t know it was going to be Jonathan.
BUBS
Born of an English Mother from Ditchingham and an American Father from Florida, Jonathan was a strange breed of British Red Coat and American Southern Confederate. It seemed that, when there were battles to be fought in the U.S., his ancestors always found themselves on the losing side. As the Vick’s cursed the Fates for sending them a black-hearted demon, Stephanie was making her way into the world. On September 25th, 1972, in Nashville, Tennessee, Stephanie L. Siler stepped through the mists of Avalon and found herself trapped in a world without magic, goddesses, or fairies. She quickly moved to Orlando, Florida and spent the vast majority of her adolesence doing things it would be innapropriate to discuss in mixed company. I don’t want to say she was a wild child … well, I mean she doesn’t have a rap sheet or anything. But that’s mostly because she was smart enough to make sure nobody knew what she was up to. It’s only a sin if you get caught, you know what I mean. She was kinda reborn when she hit thirty. Oh wait, was I supposed to say that? Jonathan, was I supposed to … these people don’t think she’s still in her twenties, do they? Aw man, I totally blew it. Anyways … Fifteen hundred miles away, in the small Chicago suburb, Jonathan was leading a very different life. In his youth Jonathan spent a lot of time alone, keeping to himself, never causing any trouble … waiting for his moment to be described on television as a loner who kept to himself and never caused any trouble. In his teen years he took up with a rough crowd from the wrong side of the tracks, and by the time he was a Senior in high school he had become their leader as captain of the Oswego High School Drama Club. He also belonged to the Speech Team, the Student Ecology Organization, the Literary Festival and was a writer for the school newspaper, the Panther Paw.
(A cardboard drawing of STEPHANIE pops up)
STEPHANIE PUPPET
What a dork!! He was the kind of kid that I’d have made fun of. He’s lucky he didn’t get his ass kicked. I’d have kicked his ass if he went to my school. I might kick his ass now just for being like that when he was a kid. Where is he? I’m gonna go give him a wedgie.
(The cardboard drawing of JONATHAN pops up)
JONATHAN PUPPET
I remember this one time, at Speech Camp, we replaced all the table salt with sea salt … YEOW!!!
BUBS
By the time he was in college his evil had outgrown the education system and he went to the only place where true evil can thrive; the boot-camp of evil; Walt Disney World. For twelve years he developed his wicked ways in the tunnels of the Magic Kingdom, living less than forty-five minutes from the woman who would eventually become his wife.
HAL
I can’t believe he’s getting married. I didn’t think it would ever be legal for his kind to get married. I mean, I always figured he was gay.
BUBS
In September of 2002, Stephanie had just bought a lap-top computer and was trying it out. Jonathan had just returned from New York, and was living in poverty, as we said before. She visited his web-site where she saw a tall, thin, neat man who wrote plays, listened to show tunes and never seemed to have a girlfriend. She decided to send him an instant message that would carry with it all the hope and passion and love that have brought them to this point. With the bold tact we have all come to expect from Stephanie she woo’d him with the question, “Are you gay?”. When we return, we will see how Jonathan and Stephanie fell in love and ended up in a fake cemetary with their family and friends at midnight on Halloween.
(SONG #3 – “Johnny, Are You Queer/ Bitch/I Want To Grow Old With You” by Josie/Meredith Brooks/Adam Sandler)
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