UNCLE FESTER (Cont.)
Jonathan and Stephanie are about to be joined by vows which they have written themselves. If for any reason the groom should not be able to perform his husbandly duties to satisfaction the Best Men will assume the responsibilities in his place.
(One of the BEST MEN grabs a scythes and stands menacingly over the GROOM. The other pulls out a bouquet of flowers and flirts with the BRIDE)
UNCLE FESTER (Cont.)
If for any reason the bride should not be able to put up with the groom any longer, custody will return to the Mother of the Groom. If there is anyone here who knows why these two should not be married . . .
(The BEST MAN on the BRIDE’s side steps in front of UNCLE FESTER and clears his throat. READING #4 – from “How To Stop A Wedding from The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating & Sex.” Read by Joshua Edwards)
JOSHUA EDWARDS
If the object of your affection is about to marry someone else, you need to act quickly to present your case or forever hold your peace.
Step 1. Make your feelings known before the service.
Step 2. If you cannot stop the ceremony beforehand, wait until the ceremony.
Step 3. If you do not have the courage to speak up during the ceremony, feign illness. Fainting is a common occurrence at weddings, and faking it may not stop the ceremony. Instead, feign a seizure. Be sure to act before the vows are spoken. During the commotion while you are being carried out, insist on speaking with the officiate and then confess your feelings.
Step 4. Pull the fire alarm. If you cannot fake illness, pull the fire alarm. This will disrupt the ceremony, but will only delay the service until the alarm can be turned off. Use this time to speak with the officiate.
Step 5. Try to prevent the marriage from being consummated. In some states, the marriage is not final until physical consummation. Find out where the bride and groom are planning to spend the first night and profess your love one last time. If that fails, your only hope is divorce.
UNCLE FESTER
Jonathan and Stephanie, you have chosen each other as partners in your life’s journey together and you have invited us to witness the happiness that you have found in each other. Do you both enter into this covenant willingly, without having been influenced by coercion, blackmail, witchcraft, alcohol or torture?
BRIDE and GROOM
We do.
UNCLE FESTER
As an expression that your hearts are joined together in love, will the groom please give his heart, as promised, to the bride.
(The GROOM hands a pulsing heart to the BRIDE)
UNCLE FESTER (Cont)
You may as well hand over your brain, too. You’ll be married soon and won’t need it.
(The GROOM hands a brain to the BRIDE)
UNCLE FESTER (Cont)
Do you, Jonathan, take Stephanie to be your wife, to have and hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, in sexy silk underwear or in those big white cotton granny panties, even though she’s a little bit heavy metal and you’re a little bit show tunes, until she can’t stand your pompous know-it-all attitude anymore and kills you?
GROOM
I do.
UNCLE FESTER
Do you, Stephanie, take Jonathan to be your husband, to have and hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, which we doubt or for poorer, which is more likely, in his frequent states of sickness and in his more uncommon bouts of health, come Hell or high-water, even if he throws away your left over McDonalds hamburger, despite the fact much of his family thought he was gay, though you’re a little bit punk and he’s a little bit Lilith Fair, to cherish throughout all eternity, even unto death, that should you go before him you may haunt his every living moment until, unable to enjoy life without you, he sensibly rejoins you in the netherworld?
BRIDE
I do.
UNCLE FESTER
Paul West, do you accept this man to be your Father, in good moods and in bad; in adolescence, puberty and adulthood; to love, honor, respect and obey, but mostly obey; despite the fact you may grow to be bigger and hairier and uglier than him; until you make enough money to hire a cute young nurse to puree his food and change his diapers and wipe the drool from his chin, even if he doesn’t need it done.
PAUL
I do.
UNCLE FESTER
At this time we will hold a moment of silence during which you may meditate, pray, reflect, focus common thoughts, project positive energies, cast spells or nap, as according to your own beliefs and habits.
(There is a moment of silence)
UNCLE FESTER (Cont.)
Is there a human sacrifice? No human sacrifice? Suit yourselves. I’d have gone with a human sacrifice, but it’s your wedding. Break from ancient tradition if you want, but the consequences are yours to suffer. Stephanie, I present you with this clamp and these scissors so you may cut Jonathan’s umbilical cord. This will not, of course, cut his Mother out of his life. However, it will provide you with veto power over her. With the cutting of this cord you may now begin remolding the Groom from his shape as a dutiful son, into his new role as a dutiful husband.
(The BRIDE snips with the scissors)
UNCLE FESTER
Should the bride fail in her quest to turn this boy into appropriate husband material, this box will be returned to the Mother for safekeeping. May I please have the ring?
(On the screen overhead the video from The Ring plays briefly. SAMARA, from The Ring enters from behind the crowd. She walks up the aisle, handing UNCLE FESTER a small wooden chest containing the rings. She exits behind the mausoleum)
UNCLE FESTER (Cont.)
Jonathan, please place the ring on Stephanie’s finger saying the ancient and magical words that symbolize your willingness to listen, comprehend and remember things that are important to your relationship.
GROOM
The words. Right, right, right. Say the words. Clatto! Verata! Nn... Necktie, necturn, nickle... noodle. It's an 'n' word. It's definitely an 'n' word. Clatto! Verata! Nn(coughcough). Okay then. That's it. I may now kiss the bride.
(The GROOM attempts to kiss the BRIDE. Thunder rumbles and lightning flashes)
GROOM (Cont.)
Hey! Wait a minute! Everything's cool. I said the words. I did!
UNCLE FESTER
Aw, poor stupid man. Can’t remember what he’s told. Now shall you deal with me, Mr. Vick, and all the powers of Hell!!
(There is a flash of light and smoke pours from all the fog machines. “Don’t Fear The Reaper” by Blue Oyster Cult begins playing loudly. UNCLE FESTER takes the BRIDE behind the mausoleum. Suddenly, from behind the puppet stage a DRAGON head rises. Strobe lights begin to flash as the DRAGON shrieks a loud scream. The GROOM takes an ax and goes to the puppet stage. The DRAGON opens his mouth and shrieks at the GROOM and the audience. The GROOM swings his ax at the DRAGON and misses. The DRAGON shoots fog at him. The GROOM gets his ax stuck in the mouth of the DRAGON. There is a blast of smoke. Suddenly, the DRAGON begins to fall. The neck collapses as the DRAGON dies. A FAIRY comes out from behind the mausoleum on the opposite side)
FAIRY
Now sword of truth fly swift and sure, that evil die and love endure!
(UNCLE FESTER returns with the BRIDE, who rejoins the GROOM at the altar)
UNCLE FESTER (Cont.)
Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be shelter for the other. Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be warmth to the other. Now there will be no loneliness, for each of you will be companion to the other. Now you are two persons, but there is only one life before you. May beauty surround you both in the journey ahead and through all the years, May happiness be your companion and your days together be good and long upon the earth. Jonathan and Stephanie, forasmuch as you have consented together in marriage and declared your love for one another in the presence of this coven, I do now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss.
(The BRIDE and GROOM kiss. Sparklers and fireworks)
PAUL
Oh, GET A ROOM!!!
(The “Theme From The Addams Family” plays. During the song the Bride and Groom walk down the center aisle together as everyone blows bubbles over them)
END OF ACT
END OF WEDDING CEREMONY
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