A Bitey Kind of Newsletter

Spike Says

It's July, and that means most of us are already suffering from the heat, but here are Spike's tips to avoid heat stroke-he claims he's never bothered by such problems.

1. If you don't have air conditioning, caves and crypts make cool retreats on those hot summer days. Just make certain you're not moving in on someone else's territory, and remember, demons require good references and cleaning deposits too!

2. Ice cream and blood are lovely treats, but blood sundaes are best made with blood ice cream and chocolate sauce. After all, blood coagulates when it cools, and that gelatinous texture isn't a "good thing".

3. Stay in the shade, and wear something low cut if you're hoping to get bitten.

4. In the south, sweet tea is everywhere in the summer. Blood over ice? Not as readily available and is hardly what one could call a smooth drink, so try something new and enjoy a southern tradition.

5. Last but not least, sunscreen is completely necessary. Most demons don't like the cured leather look on their human friends, and skin cancer is at an all time high here in the US. Also, consider heavily tinted and magically modified windows-your vamp buddies will thank you.

"Dear Anya"

This is a new addition to our little newsletter, but it seems everyone loves Anya and can't get enough of her practical advice. Taking that into consideration, we at Bloody Marvelous have asked her to answer some email, and she's graciously agreed! She'd also like us to extend her thanks to The Powers for allowing her to come back from Heaven since they felt she had work to do. Remember, no one is ever dead around here. Please note, we've taken the liberty of omitting full email addresses to protect the identity of our wisdom seekers.

From: Needsagirlfriend

Dear Anya,

First, let me say how glad I am to know you're back among the living, and I can't wait to see you. I'm quite certain that I've not approached this subject before, but I was considering asking a young lady out for an evening. The trouble is, she is actually substantially older than I, and I'm having a rather difficult time gathering my courage in this matter. Also, I suspect she may have gotten involved with her former fiance. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Flummoxed

Dear Flummoxed,

Giles, for the last time, Xander and I are over-ask me out!

Anya

From: Careerconfused

Dear Anya,

I don't really know you that well...um... I guess you could say I'm kind of torn these days. Running a big law firm isn't as easy as it looked! I mean, there are papers to sign, and somehow I'm still supposed to play champion to the world? Plus, my secretary never gets the right hair gel. The Powers never told me I was supposed to do this while running a multimillion dollar facility! Oh, and then there's my son, who won't speak to me, and that idiot Drusilla sired who won't leave me alone. Help me!

Brooding in Los Angeles

Dear Brooding,

Multi-freaking million dollar law firm? If you weren't so whiny, I'd say you could ask me out too! All right, let's deal with the easy stuff first, big boy, do your shopping for yourself. Your secretary will appreciate it. As for the rest? Kids rarely talk to their parents, get over it, your son will come around when he's well past twenty-five. If he's already reached that ripe old age, I'd advise you to invest in a really good alarm system. Children just don't respect their parents the way they once did. And that guy who won't leave you alone-maybe he wants to date you? If that's not it, just assume he's one of those people who adores annoying others.

Good luck, Anya

From: FullMooninIstanbul

Hey,

Aren't you that girl who dated Xander?

Stoic

Dear Stoic,

Yes, that was me, but I've gotten over my stupidity these days, and I'm looking to move forward with one Rupert Giles. Rupert, ask me out-NOW! I know you're reading this, and that phone better ring pronto.

Thanks for caring, Stoic!
Anya

From: Candestroyworld

Um.. hi, Anya, how are you? I'm in Rio with this woman, cause, you know, gay now. Anyway, she's driving me crazy! And not in the good way. I'd love to break up with her, but I'm afraid she's too stupid to get a clue and go somewhere else to do her slayage. Please, please, help me!

Love, W.

Well, well, well, if it isn't the girl who still owes me a substantial amount of compensation for my magic shop! You want my advice? Tell that annoying woman you're dating to meet a guy named Philip-he'd love to have a mute sex slave, and I know you could do a little spell to ensure she stays far away from you. After that, start sending me half your paycheck, for at least the next twelve years. I am taking inflation into account, and then we can call ourselves even.

Please don't skin me,
Anya

Tune in next month when Anya addresses this question, "I'm stuck with sixty kittens and not enough litter boxes, what do I do?"

News From The Afterlife

One Tara Maclay wishes to extend her blessings and well wishes to the love of her former life, Willow Rosenberg, she also asks that Willow please find a less obnoxious girlfriend. Tara would also like to express her thanks for the outfit, but she's looking forward to getting something more comfortable in the near future.

Anya Jenkins, alive again just for our readers, would like to let everyone know she's happily adjusting to living in this world. "Heaven was too happy," says Anya, "I just couldn't figure out what to do with myself. It was nice to see Joyce and Tara again. Oh, they do have some good fruit punch up there."

Joyce Summers couldn't be reached for comment though her spokesangel says she's happy watching over her two daughters these days. Her only hope is that Buffy will realize certain vampires are alive and well, and she really should get on a plane to LA immediately.

In less heavenly news of the dead, Warren Mears is stewing nicely in his own blood while his old friend Jonathan tells him happy stories of the dead upstairs.

Jonathan is quickly advancing in his purgatory, and he's really on his way to Heaven soon. He did have this report, "You know, I do forgive Andrew, but he really should be true to himself. Two girls? Come on!"

Next month, Tara and her mother grant a rare interview together while Lucifer gives us the scoop on Dante's visions of hell-is fiction stranger than truth for once? It promises to be a fascinating read.

Clem's Kitchen

It's that time of year again! Your kittens are rapidly growing up, and you're just not sure what to do with the little monsters, right? That's where I come in to help. These recipes are tried and true-passed down from my grandmother to my friends here at Bloody Marvelous. My last tailgate party was a real success, all thanks to the Southwest Siamese Eggrolls and Cheesy Persian Bites. If you're having humans at your next party, remember to include something for them too. They'll eat any kind of crap that's been overly processed and highly salted.

Southwest Siamese Eggrolls

one package of egg roll wraps
1/2 head cabbage finely shredded
4 med. size carrots chopped
1 8 ounce can of water chestnuts
8 ounces of mushrooms
2 cloves garlic
1/2 half large white onion
1 16 ounce can black beans
2 tsp. chili powder
1/2 tsp. ground cumin
red pepper flakes to taste
2 plump Siamese kittens

Sauté your vegetables over medium heat in two tablespoons of olive oil. Set aside and add your beans and water chestnuts. Now's the time to get those kittens and kill them if you haven't already. Run the raw meat through the food processor and cook in the same skillet-it's time to add your spice. Let the meat cool a bit and mix with your veggies and beans. Fill your wraps, fry 'em up, and now you've got some good eats!

Cheesy Persian Bites

Now, I know most of you southern cooks out there are partial to bisquick, but I think it's got too much shortening in it.

1 cup white lily flour
4-6 tablespoons of butter
1 tablespoon baking powder
1/4 tsp. baking soda
dash of salt
1-2 teaspoons cayenne pepper
dash of Worcestershire sauce
1 cup butter milk
1/2 cup sharp cheese-your choice
1 pound spicy sausage

Remember that Persian sausage you made this year? Pull it out of the freezer because you're going to need one pound cooked and crumbled.

Cut your butter into your dry ingredients, add liquids and toss mixture lightly just until it comes together, add that sausage and cheese. Roll into once inch round balls and bake in a 350 degree oven for 6-8 minutes. Enjoy! These are a real crowd pleaser.

Tabby Mince Pie

You'll need some tabby sausage, four granny smith apples, the spices of your choice-I'm partial to cloves, cinnamon, and mace-a handful or two of raisins, a little rennet for thickening, about one cup of rum and a 3/4 cup of dark brown sugar. Cook this mixture together until soft and thickened, let cool, grab some prepared pie crusts if you're not in the mood to make your own, bake at 350 for about an hour, and serve warm with rum sauce or whipped cream! If you want to use a homemade pie crust, try Martha Stewart's recipe for pate sucre-it's lightly sweet and prefect for this mince pie. Happy eating!

Advice for the Lovelorn
by Buffy Summers

I'm not sure why I was asked to do this since, um, I don't have a great track record. Dating is really hard these days, and if you're like me, with the killing and staying up all night, you've got to work extra hard to find someone who's willing to stand by you no matter how much blood you come home wearing. And interspecies dating? It's even harder than putting up with someone who's just too nice and too sweet to be real. Your family won't ever be willing to accept the undead as an in-law, and his family, especially if you've dated his grandsire, isn't going to be thrilled you're in the picture. Reunions will be hell! Forget about happy families playing ball at the park and having a picnic lunch-unless it's at night and you plan on being the lunch. If you're taking care of a family on top of all this, like me, it makes your life extra stressful. Dawn is always stealing my clothes, and she's a foot taller than I am-she stretches out my shirts too! Still, you can make this work! Whatever you do, don't sneak around or lie about your boyfriend. It only makes him angry, your family and friends will find out, and then you're left even more alone than before-dating some dork in Rome who doesn't even have a real name. I guess that's it for this month, but I'll be sure to include fashion and make-up tips next time.

Watcher in Training
By Dawn Summers

I already read your column, Buffy, and I so don't stretch out your shirts. Well, I do, but only because I actually have breasts! Now that I've had my chance to clear that up, I want to talk about what's happening in the new Council. Rupert Giles is in charge, and when he's not biting our heads off for using bad grammar in our reports, he's moping about the office and mooning over an old picture of Anya Jenkins-he stuffed it in his wallet when he thought no one was looking, but I saw him. I see almost everything that happens, but does Buffy ever ask my opinion? Nope, she's so challenged sometimes. Anyway, those of us training to be watchers are working on ancient runes, basic spell casting, and prophecy interpretation these days. Giles says nothing is worse than translating a prophecy incorrectly, but he's obviously never tasted Buffy's tuna casserole. Where did she find Tuna Helper in Italy anyway? That's one thing I hoped to leave behind in America! Oh yeah, Giles has a new assistant too, and weren't we all shocked to see it was Andrew, but it turns out he's pretty good with languages. He's still a little melodramatic, but we're working on it-at least he's not pretending he's the neo-James Bond of the year anymore. I think my favorite class is spell casting. Giles says I'm getting really good at floating stuff, and he expects Willow Rosenberg, the most powerful witch in the world maybe, to be very impressed and pleased with my progress. Yep, Giles really talks like that. Enough for now-more to tell later!

Evil Gets a Say
By Drusilla, she's long forgotten her last name

*Magic glass provided by Wolfram & Hart, the law firm that keeps all your demon needs in mind.

Note: Here at Bloody Marvelous, we feel it's important to present both sides. That's why we've asked Drusilla, vampire and prognosticator, to give us a little of her time to share her unique perspective of the world. We like to think of ourselves and fair and balanced.

Hello, Poppets, I'm so happy to be here writing to you. I'd rather be ripping out your throats and splashing happily in your blood while naked, but the editor told me I'd only get paid if I left the staff at this little paper alone. And I do like to carry a bit of spending money for those nights I don't feel like murdering the shopkeepers, rare, but it happens. The birds sting my eyes, small children give me poppies drenched in blood while stars pray for me. That's right, my darlings, there's going to be another apocalypse. That nasty slayer and her friends will probably prevent it, but we can all dream and spin and laugh while she shakes her filthy little head and scrambles to stop it. Did you know her mummy would've tasted like honey? I saw that, but I was too late to kill the woman myself. She was a good mum to my Spike too, he's not mine anymore, and I wanted Joyce as a present for my boy. He would've liked that and come home to me instead of sniffing around the pretty lady's horrid daughter. Well, watch out, Slayer, you've got lots of lovely family to eat and change, and maybe I can still have my sweet William back one day. To all my friends in the demon world, Happy Slayer Hunting and may all your dreams of this world ending come true!

*Letter from the Editor*

Thanks for tuning into the first issue of the Bloody Marvelous Newsletter. For those who'd like to make suggestions or submit a potential article, please contact this paper. We'd love to hear from you. Next month promises to be truly entertaining and fascinating. For now, enjoy your summer, and thanks again for joining us at Bloody Marvelous.