A Bitey Kind of Newsletter
Spike Speaks
by Spike, a.k.a. William the Bloody
As promised, this month finds the editor at Bloody Marvelous begging our friend Spike to share a bit of his work. Here's what he had to say!
Poetry hasn't exactly been my thing for at least fifty years, well, writing the stuff hasn't been my thing. Anyway, Angel is making me do this. He swore he'd share some really poncy stories if I didn't, bloody bastard, and that means I'm stuck. All right, kiddies, you've got to realize that I don't do pretty little couplets anymore, nope, over that phase. I'm all about the free verse these days.
Standing in the rain, I've walked
the miles before, time stops.
If I could have one moment, a single shard,
I'd have taken that last night,
torn it, rent it, shattered it to
a thousand pieces, mending it,
bringing it back to the whole.
Only to do it again.
I played
Belatucadros to your Andraste.
And I did it well.
Enjoy, Spike
Dear Anya
by Anya Jenkins
Hi Faithful Readers,
I'm really enjoying living again, thanks for asking! As you can see, I've moved into my new place, and I'm taking guitar lessons from a dead guy named Lindsey something or other. It's part of his penance. On the to advice. The editor says I should remind the readers that we're not allowed to give out the full email addresses of our wisdom seekers.
From: GreenEnergyGirl
Dear Anya,
I've got this friend, and I think he might be gay, but I'm not sure how to encourage him to just come out of the closet. It's really hard to believe he might really have met one girl who likes him, but two? Come on!
Sincerely,
Puzzled
Dear Puzzled,
What Andrew does with his life is his business. You really need to stop asking me what I think about his sexual orientation, besides, I'm just happy to say he's not dating Xander.
Do Your Homework and Listen to Your Older Sister,
Anya
From: NeedsanewHammer
Dear Anya,
Rumor has it you're dating an older guy? What's up with that?
Love,
Misses You
Dear Misses You,
Who I date is my busines-it's really a simple concept. What is it with you people? I mean, you think because you happen to know both of us that makes you entitled to know all about our sex lives? Fine, great, wonderful by me! Then here's a big clue for you, Joyce was right, and Giles is a stevedore in the sack!
We're Not Getting Back Together,
Anya
From: FiveSquared
Dear A.,
I need to buy a thank you gift for an undead friend with extra crappy hair. Um...is a gift certificate for a hair styling joint pushing it?
Thanks,
Cleveland Sucks
Dear Cleveland Sucks,
If you're friend is undead, you'd best consult the salon in advance. After all, not everyone can cope with doing hair for people they can't actually see in their mirrors. It's traumatizing. Now, you've got to ask yourself, how close are you to this person? If you're extra close, go right ahead and tell this person, "Hey, you need a new style." If not, you might want to choose another gift. A book perhaps?
Tell Angel We Said Hello,
Anya
Well, everyone, that's all the time and advice I have for today. Keep reading, I heard there's a new column this month!
News From the Afterlife
Ellen and Tara Maclay have graciously agreed to grant us an interview here at "Bloody Marvelous". Tara would also like to express her gratitude to the kind soul who sent her this new and more comfortable outfit.
bmn: So, how are you both doing today?
TM: Well, I'm really happy to be here, thanks for asking us to come for a visit.
EM: Yes, thank you. I'm so glad I was able to join Tara today.
bmn: Well, we're really glad to have you. Would you mind sharing your observations of the afterlife with our faithful readers?
TM: Hmm.... I guess I'd have to say that it's a lot less quiet than I expected. There's always something to do here or someone to see. It's nice. Joyce Summers spent some time getting to know my mom last week, and I think they're getting together next week for poker. Right, Mom?
EM: That's true, honey.
bmn: Mrs. Maclay?
EM: Call me Ellen, please.
bmn: Sure thing. Would you mind telling our readers about the first time you saw your daughter again?
EM: Honestly? It was hard. As happy I was to see my girl again, I wanted her to have a long, happy, fulfilling life with a big family. And maybe even some children! It would've been nice to know my Tara was moving on and not moping around after I died.
bmn: Tara? What are your feelings?
TM: It's been great seeing my mother again, but I do admit I wish I'd been alive a little longer. Who knows? Maybe I'll get that chance again someday too. The Powers are crazy about resurrections around here, and you never know who's going to be around from one to the next.
bmn: Speaking of resurrections, do you still hear from Anya Jenkins?
TM: Yes, she and I had the chance to become very good friends while she was here. I'm really happy for her.
bmn: Well, thank you both so much for being here today. I know our readers will really enjoy hearing from you. Unfortunately, that's all the time we've got for today.
TM and EM: Thank you!
TM: I hope we'll get a chance to talk again soon.
In other news from the afterlife, Warren Mears is no longer stewing in his own blood. He's been transferred to the Intake Department. That's right, a promotion. Apparently, Mr. Mears has a real flair for doling out punishments, and the senior staff in hell are happily utilizing his talents. He spends his off time crawling over rusted razor blades and working in salt mines. No rest for the wicked!
Also, Lucifer has declined to comment on Dante's vision of hell. His press agent released this statement, "Sometimes, it's better for us if people simply don't know what they're getting into."
Fixing it Xander's Way
by Xander Harris
(Brought to you by Karen M.)
Due to certain legalities, Clem's Kitchen has been replaced by Fixing it Xander's Way.
We hope our readers enjoy!
I know you all have heard that I am everyone's Butt Monkey, but that just isn't true. When it comes to fixing things, I am your man. Giles may know his book learning but ladies, I know my tools. That's right, tools! So here are a few tips straight from the XanMan.
Duct tape. It ain't for just sticking things together anymore. I have found, nope, scratch that, I have heard that duct tape works wonders for removing unsightly back hair. Not that I have back hair, of course. I was thinking it would be great for that nasty mess you girls get on your legs. In fact, Sears sells the loveliest shade of bright pink duct tape that would be perfect.
Got unseemly weapons holes in your walls? Well, let me tell you, Spackle is your answer. Large wounds, oops, I mean holes may take more than one application. And boy is that stuff fun to use. I found myself creating a hole or two just so I could use more. It's that much fun. Now it only comes in white but who knows, perhaps someday, you will be able to find it in all kinds of neat colors.
Cat Hork and Hairballs: Being a dude makes this easier to comprehend, so I'll go slowly for the ladies. If you let it all dry to the floor for a week or two, you can just scrape that chunky stuff right up. No hassles. No messy cleaning rituals. You just simply scruff at it with the toe of your boot and presto, it's clean. You girls make too much of the cleaning stuff. Relax and take it easy till next time.
Please send any questions to Xander in care of this rockin' Newsletter.
Thanks,
The XanMan
Advice for the Lovelorn
by Buffy A. Summers
I've had it. I'm so never giving advice to people about their love lives again! I got pelted with eggs on the way to the office this morning which just isn't fair. So, I thought we should talk make-up and hair instead this week. Anyone out there bleach? If so, you're probably faced with split ends, coarse hair, and yellowing after a the first few peroxide treatments. Rumor has it that beer works wonders for the coarse hair, and hydrogen peroxide mixed with lemon juice in your shampoo works great on the yellowing and fading. Those split ends are way more problematic because they're not going away. Once they split that's the end, forget it, you're going to have to trim those locks.
As for make-up, nothing says I wanna get bitten like I'm a Slut Red Lipstick. I think that's a L'oreal shade. Unfortunately, it stains clothes, so I prefer pale pink and peach colors. Much easier to clean off your clothes and that special someone.
For the guys, remember, women look at shoes. They've got you pegged in about five seconds flat, and most of the time it's based on your footwear. Ask Cordelia Chase if you happen to see her working with those Power Guys, and she isn't alone in that talent. So, think before you step out the door, and don't forget to go easy on the hair gel. That wet head look as been out for ages.
Watcher in Training
by Dawn Summers
Hi, I'm back! Giles has been teaching us so much this month, and most of it isn't even boring. Really! I love my magics class, and I'm getting really good at basic spells. Unfortunately, we still haven't figured out a way for me to tap into my mystical key-self goodness, but Giles says it will happen. Then even Willow will have to watch out! 'Cause, I'm betting I can learn to destroy the world faster than she did. Not that I want to or anything, but it's nice to have goals in life.
Along with learning about magic, I'm being forced to read every manual ever written about demons and monsters. It's not as boring as learning to speak Eiramesh, but at least the Eiram demons are cool. They can pass for human and have been living side by side with us for centuries. They're one of the few peaceful demon tribes in the world; according to Giles, they've always been vegetarians, super cool.
While I'm working on the magics and demon languages, Giles insists I keep up with my regular studies. I have to ask, when am I ever going to need trig for demon slaying? I mean, this is just so not fair. Last week, Buffy thought Aurora Borealis was a new kind of halitosis, and I need school? Whatever! That's all for this month.
Evil Gets a Say
Brought to you by Richard Wilkins III,
former mayor of Sunnydale, CA.
Our thanks to Mayor Wilkins for his time!
I am so pleased to be here, ladies and gentlemen, I didn't realize how much I missed speaking in public until the editor of this fine newsletter approached me and asked me to write an article for this column. First, I'd like to express my heartfelt wishes for a better year to my girl, Faith, she is such a bright star that one. A real go getter, and I just have to say how proud I am of that girl!
That brings me to my next thought for the day, children. It's back to school time, parents, and most of you know how interested I have always been in the children of this, or any, community. It is your responsibility, no, it's your duty, as parents to make your children into good citizens. I simply cannot stress the importance of a good education; basics are the key to a good foundation, sometimes that includes some extra help. When I was a boy, my mother, God rest her soul, would flay the skin of my backside if I chose to step out of line. It made me a better person. My advice for the child who refuses to do his or her homework is simply this, everyone, invest in a good set of chains and a steel desk. Those clever little tikes will find it hard to get away if they have to lift a five hundred pound desk in the process. I believe there are some magical curses to be found that are wonderful for enhancing weight and bonds, and there's nothing like the satisfaction of knowing you've done what's right for your child and community. Schoolwork is extremely important, never think you've stressed that enough. And remember, if all else fails, a sharp pencil under the fingernails is a handy trick to know.
Good luck, parents, and help your child face this and each coming school year bravely, responsibly, and with that extra loving discipline when needed.
Editor's Note: The views expressed by our authors are not necessarily the views held by the editor or writing staff at the Bloody Marvelous Newsletter. Please take any advice you read here with a grain of salt.