A Bitey Kind of Newsletter
Editor's Note: Halloween was the one night of the year that children owned the streets, and most adults stepped aside for a few moments to let us have our fun, even the demon community let the holiday take its' course. Most still do, but we are lucky this month here at Bloody Marvelous because Lorne, former host of Caritas, has graciously agreed to talk about his favorite scary movies and, possibly, some of your favorite celebrities. Illyria, known once as the charming Fred Burkle, has also agreed to write for this little newsletter. Spike has asked to withhold his article until next month as he does not celebrate Halloween and prefers to stay inside during this festive time of year. Buffy Summers has declined to write for Bloody Marvelous until further notice. On to the newsletter!
Lorne's Happenings
by Lorne, The Host
Well, hey there, pumpkins and candy apples. A little blonde bird told me you all might like to hear what's new with the Fang Gang. Angel is still helping the hopeless in LA after managing to defeat a dragon and several demon hordes. He owes his thanks to the help of our Blue Princess, Illyria, the resident bad boy, Spike, and Charles Gunn. After the final battle, I went on a long needed vacation to clear my head, rediscover my roots, and set up a new club in New Orleans. I love it down here. These people are just so friendly, and I'm guessing they're all used to demons because the humans mix just as easily with our kind as vodka does with orange juice. Anyway, after some down time, I looked up my old buddy Angelcakes and discovered he's set up a new shop with a bevy of fresh new faces. He's happy, not too happy, to say that his son has come to work for him. The boy's well adjusted, has an ear for languages, and is attending UCLA. His father is very proud. Spike and Illyria have teamed up to fight the forces of darkness in their own way; confidentially, that way mostly consists of the beating the hell out of any nasty in their path. Spike also writes for Bloody Marvelous during his down time, and I'm told he's quite the poet, little darling never sang a word for me or I might've known before now! Illyria is happy to see more of the United States since they're on the road a lot, but Spike plans to take her overseas in the near future. I suspect he's really going to visit a certain blonde Slayer. Her Watcher has expressed an interest in meeting and studying Illyria, good luck with that endeavor. Last, but absolutely not least, is Charles Gunn. Well, he's no longer living in California, nope, I'm happy to say that our Charles showed up on my doorstep last month looking for some peace and quiet. He's still got his Super Lawyer powers, but rather than work to get more money than God, Gunn is helping out in my bar while doing pro-bono work for his own set of hopeless. He's an excellent bouncer too!
On to the movies. I have to admit, I do celebrate Halloween. It's just charming fun, and I've seen some children who are just too adorable to let get away without giving them half a pound of candy. It's also one of the few nights I can answer my door without worrying about my fair complexion. In the spirit of the holiday, here are some of my favorite scary movies! Hairspray, honey, even Johnny Depp can't save the hairstyles in this film. The Graduate, Connor and Cordy, need I say more? Babe, that film just gives me the heebie jeebies every time I see it. The pig just seems too nice-got to be a darker side to that farm!
Dear Anya
by Anya Jenkins
Before anyone asks, no, I will not be dressing as a cottontailed fiend this year, but I did get asked to a party! Giles and I are going as Scully and Mulder, but I'm not sure he even saw The X-files. Oh well, at least I look great as a redhead, even better than Willow, and her hair is supposedly natural, uh-uh, sure. This month's letters are slim pickings, but most demons avoid getting too much notice for themselves during October. At least there are plenty of humans to advise, and heaven knows you all need it!
From: Wantstogo2England
Dear Anya,
Why in the bleeding hell haven't you called yet? I thought we were friends, and here you are running all about town with that sodding Watcher without one thought for poor old Spike-a man who mourned your death at that. You're a cruel bird, Anya. Here's my question. I'm thinking about going to England, seeing a certain Slayer this holiday, and I'm curious to know if you think I'd stand even half a chance with that woman.
Sincerely, Spike, AKA William the Bloody
Dear Spike,
Awww, I didn't know you cared; that's just so sweet, and I promise to give your cell a call as soon as I'm done working today. This is supposed to be an anonymous column, so please remember to use a pseudonym next time! As for that certain Slayer, I think Buffy would be really happy to see you. She needs someone to cheer her up since her column isn't doing too well, and I heard she got pelted with eggs on the way into the office just last week. I guess you shouldn't ask for dating advice from someone who really sucks at picking dates. Many orgasms should fix her right up, so go and do a good job.
Take care,
Anya
From: Lawyergonegood
Dear Anya,
I have a friend who said I should ask you, but there's this girl I used to love, a lot. She's someone else now, but I think I'm starting to like this someone else too. Am I being disrespectful to the first woman's memory?
I'm so confused!
Dear Lawyergonegood,
Does your girlfriend have multiple personality disorder? If so, I'd say you're just falling for the entire package, but if we're talking about someone who's been stamped out of existence to make way for a demon, I'd say take this very slowly. You don't want to end up resenting your new love interest because she's not really the girl you want. I'd try a friendship first. Giles and I have that going for us where Xander and I missed out completely.
Sincerely,
Anya
From: PatchMan
Dear Anya,
I said I'm sorry. What more do you want? Are you just dating him to make me mad? It's not going to work! Some people just belong together, and I know it's been a rough road for us. Please come back to me.
Lonely in Africa
Dear Xander,
You'd better just stay in Africa. I have a restraining order, and if you come within one hundred feet of me you're toast. Even Giles agrees that you're obsessive. I don't need a stalker! I've moved on with my life, and you should too.
Sincerely,
Anya
Well, I hope you all have a Happy Halloween. I bought some rabbit Peeps on the internet just to pass out tonight. They're pink and obscenely scary!
Xan-Man's Tools
by Xander Harris
(Courtesy of Karen M.)
This week I thought I would give you a new use for one of your plain old ordinary tools. And since it is October, I thought I would share some of the neat-o peachy keen knowledge I learned many Halloweens ago.
First off, everyone owns a pair of needle nosed pliers. I have learned they are awesome for picking dead crickets out of your toad's cage. You wouldn't want me to get warts would ya? Also if you run out of q-tips, wrap a bit of the good ol' TP around the end and clean out those nasty ears. And speaking of holes in your head, there is nothing better for plucking those unsightly nose hairs. Pliers are definitely a multi-use tool!
Now, back in my Army days, OOPS, Army evening! I learned a thing or two about a handy dandy little gadget called GPS. For those of you not in the know, that means Global Positioning Systems. This hot little item is great for when you need to chase vampires out in the wild. Getting lost at night with a blood sucker around is just not good business. Of course, the most important reason for a guy to own one, is you never, never, never have to ask for directions. And as we all know, we men would rather give up our left nut than ask where the heck we are!
Since it is October, another great use for duct tape from the XanMan. Use it to prevent vampire attacks. Just duct tape garlic cloves all over your neck.
Note: Can cause side effects such as the warding off of desirable advances by lush curvy human females. Sigh, like I need help with that.
This is the XanMan signing off until next month.
Clem's Kitchen
by Clem, back by popular demand
Special meals for those days when you and your demon friends are in hiding!
Chinese Fried Siamese
1 2-pound Siamese kitten, cleaned, head and tail on
2 1-inch sliced fresh ginger
1 tsp. coarse kosher salt
2 tlbs. olive oil
1 1/2 tlbs. chili paste
3 garlic cloves, minced
1 tlbs. Chinese white cooking wine
1 tlbs. Chinese brown vinegar
3 tlbs. Pickled Ginger, chopped
1 tlbs. sugar
1 tsp. cornstarch mixed with 1/2 cup cold water
Rub the inside and outside of the kitten w/1 slice of ginger and the salt. Heat a wok over high heat and rub the surface with the second slice of ginger. Add 1 tlbs. of the oil and heat. When hot, add the kitten to the wok and cook for 1 minute. Turn the cat over and cook 1 minute longer; the kitten should be nicely browned. Remove the cat to a platter.
Wash the wok and reheat it over high heat. Add the remaining oil, and when it is hot add the chili paste, garlic, wine, vinegar, pickled ginger, and sugar, stirring well. Replace the kitten on top of the sauce, cover the wok, cook for 2 minutes. Turn the kitten over and cook it, covered, for 2 minutes longer. Do not overcook the kitten. Remove the kitten to a platter. Add the water mixed with the cornstarch to the wok, scraping and stirring the solids together over high heat. Pour sauce over the kitten and serve.
Note: Traditionally this recipe is made with a black sea bass, two pounds, and is fit for human consumption. Also goes well with beer.
Dandelion Greens Salad
4 handfuls of torn dandelion greens
1 tlbs. freshly squeezed lemon juice
1 tlbs. white wine vinegar
1/8 tsp. grated lemon rind
1 shallot, finely chopped
1 tsp. coarse-grain mustard
Coarse kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste
Place the greens in a serving bowl. Whisk together all the ingredients for the dressing. Toss the greens with the dressing right before serving-perfect compliment to your Chinese Fried Siamese!
Rhubarb Tartlets
Your favorite pastry-I happen to like pâte brisée.
3 cups rhubarb, cut into 1/2 inch pieces
3/4 cup sugar
3 tlbs. Grand Marnier
Grated zest of 1 tangerine or orange
3 tlbs. all-purpose flower
1 large egg beaten with 2 tlbs. heavy cream
Line your tartlet pans. Trim and crimp the edges of your pastry, chill. Cut leaf shapes from the leftover scraps of pastry, marking veins with the back of a knife. Place on a parchment-lined baking sheet and chill.
Preheat oven to 350˚ F.
Combine the rhubarb, sugar, liquor, zest, juice, and flour in the bowl. Stir well. Fill individual tart shells with the mixture. Decorate the tops with pastry leaves. Brush leaves and the pastry edges with the egg wash. Bake until the rhubarb is tender and the crust is nicely browned, 25 to 35 minutes. Let cook on a rack before serving.
Note: This recipe is perfectly suitable for humans.
Pet Care
by Illyria
(Courtesy of Scott T.)
It is good to see that Clem has found a use for kittens. They are hardly a worthy pet, so eating them seems appropriate. A good pet is one that can hit you back, and as a responsible pet owner, I make sure not to break him too much. Exercise is very important for any pet, and I find that beating him two or three times per day is sufficient. More than that and he turns purple and whines.
A good pet can also feed itself. I saw someone with a dog, and it barked and the owner gave it food. If any creature spoke to me like that, I would pull its vocal cords out with this body's digits. Also, my pet showed me something called a "video game". These are most curious. It is amazing how fascinating holding a small box attached to a larger box can be. I control the things on the screen. In these "video games", I can return to my former glory. Of course, nothing can replace having all the worshippers you can eat, but my pet finds ways to remind me of home. I am beginning to understand what mortals see in pets, but I will never understand how they can enjoy kicking a small ball of fur. No, my pet is definitely the best.
Watcher in Training
by Dawn Summers
This is my Halloween Costume!
We're still working on ancient runes, they suck. I skipped class this week, and Giles is soooo mad at me. But Buffy isn't even bothering with writing her article this month, and I'm the irresponsible one? I don't think so. Oh yeah, I'm supposed to update everyone about our classes. Well, I can float people now. Willow could only float pencils at this stage, not very well either, and Giles is checking on my glowy, greeny, happy Key status to find out if maybe that's the reason I've got the magic buzz. I sang for Lorne, and he says he likes my green. It goes well with his. I really like Lorne. Lorne even promised to introduce to me the Fates, and they're going to teach me some really cool protection charms! I can't wait to meet them, but he said I shouldn't say anything about Angel while I'm there. Giles thinks it's good experience for WiT's to get to know the Powers and their friends. So, this girl is going to New Orleans! There's supposed to be some really great shopping in the Garden District. Happy Halloween from Italy, oh, I have a message for Spike, Please get over here! I miss you.
Evil Gets a Say
by Glory, last name withheld
(Courtesy of Benni)
Hello little minions, um I mean mucky mortals. Due to some very well pulled strings and great connections (mostly my own) I am able to allow you all to visit me.
Now, being sort of dead has presented a problem with me. I don’t get to use my credit cards. That makes it very hard to get the clothing I admire. Well, that and I am not usually corporeal on earth anymore. It is a great shame as I have great fashion sense, unlike most mortals. Though I do look good in just about anything, I prefer the best.
The reason I'm here is because I have noticed a great slacking off in the fashion department around Halloween. People, just because you are dressed as a hobo doesn't mean you can't look fabulous. Don’t cause me pain by having to look at you! It really hurts me that you don’t care. Anyway, I am here to give you all a few tips about dressing properly for Halloween.
First off, let's go over some popular costumes. Everyone loves a good hooker, naughty nurse or cheerleader costume, but let us not run out and buy the first costume you find. You know you won't just keep that one in the back of your closet. I am sure you will wear it all the time, so splurge on some silk. Man, I actually miss my human figure sometimes. That silk looked breathtaking on me and felt fantastic. I certainly do not miss the emotional crap though.
And for the guys, let's see, don’t just dig in your closet for something. Go shopping! It really is a great relief. Even if you have to pound on the shop owners to get what you want. You should seriously consider what that Xander guy did and go as James Bond. I don’t hate guys in suits.
Now, just remember, when doing your costumes that it is the small things that count. If you are a pirate, go for a real gold earring! I mean it people! It just drives me nuts to see all the fashion victims on Halloween. ‘Not now mommy’s talking!’ You know I still want to try that worm thing, you know ripping one in half to get two worms. Any volunteers? ::demons in white coats come to collect Glory::
Oh, time to go. Remember what I have said! Or I’ll come back! But wait you want that, don’t you?