A Bitey Kind of Newsletter
Editor's Note: Dawn Summers has elected to spend Thanksgiving with her sister and friends in an undisclosed location. Since they're on vacation this month, we've got some very special articles courtesy of Illyria, Buffy's replacement for the time being, Faith the Vampire Slayer, Harmony Kendall and Angel this holiday issue. We sincerely hope you enjoy! Happy Thanksgiving from your friends at the Bloody Marvelous Newsletter!
Spike Speaks
By William the Bloody
(Jen)
Hello, kiddies, I've got another verse for you. Angelus, that stupid ponce, thinks we should all share what we're thankful for, but he's not stuck in the middle of hell knows where, his arm and thigh bone broken, with one Blueberry Tartlet demanding he explain the finer points of Thanksgiving. Perhaps Anyanka said it best when she called it a ritual sacrifice with pie.
Brilliant crimson sprinkles
across the plains of her face.
Her one real joy is in claiming ownership.
There are moments when I am
easily sectioned as an
over-ripened pomegranate.
Dear Anya
by Anya Jenkins
(Jen)
Hello to all my fans. I've never had fans before, and it's a nice change of pace after living with people who had no appreciation for my talents. That having been said, this month brings me letters from all the dimensions. People everywhere are at a loss for words, but don't worry! I've got plenty to spare. Oh yeah, I'm supposed to remind everyone that in order to protect the identity of our wisdom seekers, complete names and full email addresses have been withheld.
From: MrBitsandPieces
I have discovered a way out of the hell dimension in which I currently reside. Information is required. You will tell me where the Slayer is, and I will refrain from eviscerating you.
Dear Mr. Bits,
The Slayer already kicked your ass once! Why do you want to go through that again? My advice is that you take your multi-parted self and get a job. You know, the vengeance trade is always looking for a few good demons, and it sounds like you've got that vengeance attitude down pat. Good luck, but don't come here or the Slayer and her friends will send you right back to hell.
Sincerely, Anya
From: Patchman
Dear Anya,
A mutual friend told me I was being possessive and kind of creepy, sorry about that. I promise I'm working on it. I just wanted to say that Thanksgiving makes me think of all the things I should be grateful for, Ahn, and I am very grateful you were a part of my life. So, I wish you and G-man the best!
Love always,
X.
Dear X.,
That shows growth and maturity on your part. I guess there really is hope even for the most childish people in the world, but do you have to be so gung ho over duct tape? It's not like we used it that much! I guess it's what Buffy calls one of those "guy things".
Take care, Anya
From: LifeoftheParty
Dear Anya,
A little bird told me you have a first rate set of pipes. Ever think about coming down to New Orleans and working in a demon bar? We could use some good entertainment.
Think about it,
The Green Guy
Dear Green Guy,
As tempting as that is, I have to say I'm happy here in England with Giles. If he proposes in the future, I know he'll actually follow through with his offer. Plus, I really love the cash incentive that comes with helping others! Who knew giving out advice could pay so well?
Thanks for the offer,
Anya
From: NeedsaJob
Dear Anya,
I used to work for an evil corporate law firm. I had it all! Super strength, immortality, a great pension plan, and access to the best stores around LA. These days, I have less than nothing, and I haven't had a manicure in months! No one in this town understands what it meant to be "Liaison to the Senior Partners", and it's getting me nowhere on my resume. What do I do?
Help me!
Dear NeedsaJob,
Don't fret. There are many evil corporations looking for new hires in entry level positions. Try Wal-mart! I've heard they've been in bed with the devil for decades. And as luck would have it, there's supposed be a very special article for demons in need of work in the newsletter this month. If you're human, you might discover some of the tips apply to you!
Good luck,
Anya
From: TiredofAngel
Dear Anya,
I'm so tired of Angel's bizarre rants and career advice! He's always blaming someone else for his problems, and if makes that joke about the voting machines and Wolfram and Hart one more time I might just stake him! Hell is bad, but it shouldn't be this bad. I keep telling him that it's not us conservative types who were accused of tampering this time anyway. Maybe I can get promoted to another hell dimension that doesn't pipe that broody bastard's voice in 24/7.
Thanks,
Tiny Texan
Dear Tiny Texan,
You just have to remind yourself that the fumes from Angel's hair gel are probably affection his brain. He can't help but be broody or ranty. As for your trouble in hell, do a superior job there and that promotion might become reality!
Well Wishes,
Anya
XanMan's Tips for Toolin' Thanksgiving
By Xander Harris
(Courtesy of Karen)
The first tip is for you guys. Have you ever had your lady friend (yes, I do know what a lady friend is, not all my lady loves were monsters) make you use those horrible little corn cob holders? Well, have I got the answer for you. Next time you're handed those dainty, useless little pieces of crap, whip these out. Yes, it's the new and improved version. All it takes is a couple of wooden handled screwdrivers and a little touch up pain. Try to use a manly color if you please.
Have you girls ever gotten a little gun ho about size? I mean turkey size, you perverts! Did you ever buy a frozen turkey just a bit too big for your roaster? I've got the solution. Chainsaw. Yes, I said chainsaw. Start up one of those babies and trim that bad boy down to a manageable size. Caution: I have yet to find an answer to getting all the chain oil off the turkey. Maybe you can explain it away as some kind of fancy gravy flavor.
Duct tape tip of the month:
Give your small dog a feeling of superiority when it walks around the neighborhood. Duct tape a large stuffed dog onto its' back, and it will appear twice as large as the other dogs. A word of warning, this doesn't work on cats. Cats are not stupid. They will realize right away that a stupid dog is wearing a toy. (General idea came from 365 Days of Duct Tape)
Until next month, this is XanMan
Crafty Weapons
By Faith
(Courtesy of Izzy)
Hey, all ya losers and geeks. I'm sure you're wondering what the hell got into me to be wasting my time in front of a computer. Easy, two months of baby-sitting Andrew before shipping him off to B in Italy. I sear, the kid's geekiness is contagious. And also, my much better half's constant bitching. What I'm saying is, after the editor of Bloody Marvelous offered me to write a column in the newsletter and I told Robin 'bout it, he decided it would be good for me to have something to do. I swear, he would've not shut his yap about it until he'd turned me into a complete whack job. So I told him, "All right, sexy, chill. I'll do it." Not cause he's got me wrapped around his little finger or anything-I might be his little love machine, but I'm still my own woman-it was just to shut him up. Contrary to what Xander has been saying, I AM NOT WHIPPED! Robin's just tired of seeing me sitting around, cracking my knuckles all day and complaining. Um...the thing is, I kinda broke my ankle on some dumbass rock demon the other day, and I have to be a good girl for a little while. So, I'm getting antsy and driving Robin nuts. I'll give this a go, and if you're not happy with my literary talents, no one's forcing you to read.
Everything you need to know about a good weapon:
1. So many choices, so many ways to use them. Sometimes, it's the simplest, most common ones that give you the most satisfaction. Always keep that in mind. Look around your house and try to come up with creative ideas. You never know when a Fyarl demon's gonna barge in so you better be prepared. For small demons (or that prison chick who doesn't take no for an answer) I found out that a simple fork can cause much damage. Or at least enough to get your point across. Cause really, who would like to become the bitch of someone named Martha? ::shivers in disgust::
2. Never underestimate the classics. Always keep a good crossbow handy. I like to keep one under my bed, one in the laundry room, the basement, and another one with the remote control by the couch. If you think there are no demons in your area (damn, people are so naive) don't go around shooting humans. Believe me! Been there, done that, and no matter how tough you are, it leaves you kinda screwed up. So humans are a big no-no. But... Since it's Thanksgiving soon, you could always go look for turkeys. Beats the hell out of buying it frozen at the grocery store. Just a thought.
3. Another handy trick for ya. One day I was cooking (putting frozen meals in the microwave is more like it) and got attacked by this nasty ass Hyyart demon. As you probably already know, to kill these things, you have to rip their hearts out. Two words for you kiddies: ice tongs. Plunge, grab, twist and pull. Et voila! No need for you to stick your hand in the slimy dude's chest.
Well, that's it for now. If you don't like it, don't tell me. I don't really care anyway. Ta.
Evil Gets a Say
By Harmony Kendall
(Courtesy of Linne)
Note: This month's 'Evil Gets a Say' is a bit more practical in nature with tips for the working vamp from Harmony, the littlest vampire.
It's almost the New Year and I want to start my column out by addressing a serious subject: vampires who suck, but not in the way they're supposed to (VWSBNITWTST, for short . . . OK, VWS for short).
My name is Harmony, and I am a vampire who sucks, but not in the way I'm supposed to. You know who you are if you're one too. There's plenty of us out there -- the vamps who don't cut it, who can't hunt our way out of a paper bag. We're the ones who are still minions even if we make it to 100 years old, which isn't often since we're likelier to be killed by a master vamp than a Slayer. Heck, we're liable to be killed when our own meals get the upper hand with us!
So what do we do? Attach ourselves to a master vampire and hope they don't get bored too easily? Introduce ourselves to the nearest Slayer (and there are plenty of them around these days!) and just get it over with? Go the whole drama queen route and take a short walk in bright sunlight?
There's another solution: making it as a vamp in the human world. "But Harmony", you'll say, "plenty of vamps already do that!" True, but they're all master vampires, high rollers like Russell Winters who was a captain of industry until he got kicked out of a 97th story window in the daylight. I'm talking about us, the little guys, the guys who need a way to fly under the radar but still have a safe unlife and a way to afford couture. We can do it, with just a little effort and luck.
The first step is getting used to a non-human diet. Sure this is hard but let's face it, when your hunting is more miss than hit, pig's blood from the butcher is at least a regular meal. And there's always donors, when you need a little nip of the good stuff (more about that in a later column).
Next, you need a job that will let you live someplace that doesn't attract attention from the warm blooded. Because of the way they tend to hold grudges against people who feast on them, even drinking pigs blood can't guarantee that you won't be the victim of liveist prejudice so no nesting in crypts or caves! I know the rent's good there, but we have to bite the bullet on this one.
When looking for a human-type job, forget about the graveyard shift at the blood bank. First of all, the temptation is too great and you'll be exposed much sooner than later. Also, unless you run the place, you won't be able to make your own hours and will wind up getting fired because you take off early every day to avoid sunrise. The best thing to do is look for work at a place that winks at a bit of evil and will accommodate a hard, undead worker. Law offices are good for this, especially, but not necessarily, Wolfram & Hart. W&H does have an excellent dental plan though if you can in with them. Also good is the IRS, but you have to know someone to get one of the special night positions. Email me at Unicorn_Baby@Yahoo.com for more info on this.
If you can telecommute, jump on that because it will solve almost all of your money making problems. You might also look into writing as a way of working from home on your own hours, with people who are used to dealing with "eccentrics". Romance is a good writing field to get into because most of it is formula, and porn just writes itself. Or so I'm told.
One last hint: settle in a large city where nobody knows your name! I can't stress this enough. Being surrounded by humans who don't want to get involved and just want their neighbors to leave them alone is your ace in the survival hole. Use it, and you too will be able to make it as a vamp in the human's world!
Illyria's Travel Tips
By Illyria, Goddess
(Courtesy of Scott)
Spike informed me that we would be traveling to England. He said we could fly, "across the pond in an airplane by stashing ourselves in the cargo hold," but I have recently discovered that we would not fly across a pond. This pond of which he speaks is in truth an ocean, and I have no intention of entrusting myself to any pitiful attempt for puny and fragile humans to fly. Given how successful humans have been attacking demons, I felt it necessary to persuade Spike that we did not need to fly anywhere. England and Italy will wait until travel accommodations can be made befitting my demands. Perhaps a boat will suffice.
In our travels, I have discovered it is amazing how very persuasive a sledge hammer can be, and Spike has been convinced that I am correct. We should not go to England. His frail and broken bones need time to heal, and I have agreed to his terms. He also does not think it is a good idea to pursue the petite, blonde haired woman in Italy at this time. I think it is I who convinced him of that as well.
Spike spoke of a "Watcher" person. My pet said he would be very interested in meeting me. I am not sure I am so interested in meeting him. I do not require anyone to watch me and do not appreciate Spike suggesting someone do so. But with a little persuasion...perhaps, he will change his mind.
Clem's Kitchen
By Clem
(Jen)
It's Thanksgiving, and I thought I'd follow the human trend and serve turkey as a main course this year. Of course, that doesn't mean there won't be a little extra-special treat on the side.
Southern Maine Coon Kitten Sausage Cornbread Dressing
2 cups stone-ground cornmeal
1 tbs. baking powder
1 tsp. salt
1 cup buttermilk
1/4 cup extra light olive oil
1 egg
1 tsp. sage
1-1 1/2 tsp. rosemary
(You can toss in a little thyme if you like, but I think it gets a little bitter if baked w/out enough moisture.)
Preheat oven to 400
Mix your dry ingredients, mix wet ingredients and pour into the dry ingredients. Mix until cornmeal is just moistened, you don't want it tough! Bake 30-40 minutes in a round cake pan or 9 x 9 square pan. For that extra southern flair, heat an iron skillet on your stovetop with a little butter, pour batter into hot skillet and bake.
Let cool completely, crumble, and allow to dry out for four-five days in a cool, dry area.
Mix crumbled cornbread with sage, rosemary, thyme, pepper, salt, red pepper, all to taste, add half a pound of Maine Coon sausage, precooked and drained, moisten with turkey or chicken stock, toss in an egg for binding, add a little melted butter for flavor, bake at 350 for 35 minutes or until nicely golden brown, serve and enjoy.
Maple Sweet Potatoes
3-4 medium sweet potatoes
dash of salt
nutmeg (to taste)
cinnamon (to taste)
allspice (optional, and a dash will do it)
1/4 c real maple syrup
1/4-1/2 cup chopped or rough ground roasted pecans (depends on how much you like pecans)
2-4 tbs. butter
half and half-just enough for mashing (Land-o-Lakes makes an excellent fat free half and half that's great for cooking for those calorie conscious demons!)
Paper Bag Apple Pie
(My mom's recipe!)
One crust for a nine inch pie shell.
Filling
6 tart apples (Granny Smiths hold up well to baking.)
3 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. nutmeg if desired (You can also add cloves or allspice if you like.)
3/4 c. sugar (may take more if you find your apples aren't sweet enough)
3 tbs. flour
butter for dotting inside of pie
juice from one lemon (use half of it if the apples are extra tart)
Peel and slice apples, pour your sugar over them, add your spices, lemon juice and flour, place in pie shell, dot w/butter-you don't have to if you don't want the extra fat.
Topping
I don't measure this, so you might want to look it up online. Basically, you take some flour and cut some butter brown sugar into it-it's like a strudel topping. Anyway, top your pie and bake inside a large paper bag-staple the end shut and bake 50-60 minutes at 350. Juices should be bubbling and apples should be fork tender.
Enjoy your Thanksgiving, and I hope your family loves these recipes as much as mine! Remember, Thanksgiving is a time for loved ones, non-humans and humans alike.
Musings From the Comfy Chair
A CEO's Perspective on workplace etiquette
(Courtesy of Phil)
Picture courtesy of Spike.
Testing, testing. Is this thing on? Heh. That one always slays at office parties. Anyway, hello there everyone. This is your favorite vampire with a soul. No, NOT that bleached blonde, 'William come lately' impostor. I'm the first, original and ordained defender of the defenseless, friend of the friendless, and the real Helper of the Helpless. Yep, that's right, you guessed it-it's me...Angel. For those of you who have been out of it for a while, or have the good taste to have been boycotting the WB network lately, I have recently finished up a year long stint as the Chief Executive Officer for Wolfram & Hart-a very prestigious law firm in downtown Los Angeles. Now, I don't want to brag, but I think it goes without saying that I managed to have more of an impact on the firm's policies than any other CEO in recent memory. I'm sure that the employees would all agree that I made their lives considerably better. Err, assuming of course that any of them managed to get out of the building before it collapsed, that is. But enough of the post mortems (double-heh). Let's get on with the reason for this article. Today I want to discuss the very important topic of proper staffing procedures.
I can't stress enough the necessity of surrounding yourself with the best people available when first taking over the challenges of running an important business. These are the folks who are going to be the ones who implement your directives, who you can share your goals and aspirations with, and who, in a tight pinch, can be counted on to burn the midnight oil (as well as chanting the proper counter-spell). And burying the occasional innocent bystander-or as we in the legal profession like to call them: 'unforeseeable complications.'
When you first begin the difficult process of interviewing prospective employees, it is important to consider a few things. First, you are going to need someone you can trust like my good friend Charles Gunn, former head of our contracts department. Now, there is a guy you can depend on. Honest and totally trustworthy, unless of course you count the time that he fudged some paperwork so a deranged lab technician could smuggle a cursed sarcophagus and infect his ex-girlfriend with the persona of an ancient Greater demon. Well, okay, maybe not the best example, but on the other hand we have Wesley Wyndham-Price, my head of Research. Wes was a heck of a guy, and he was probably my best friend. Too bad about that untimely, messy death. Sure, we had that little misunderstanding a few years ago when he kidnapped my son; I tried to strangle him on his deathbed, and then he had a five month illicit affair with one of my archenemies until I wiped everybody's memory of an entire season with a cheesy wish. But what relationships haven't had their little ups and downs, I ask you? Moving on, we come to my devoted personal assistant, the lovely and, err well very lovely Harmony Kendall. What can I say about Harmony? Ummmm. That's actually a very good question. What can I say? Let's see. She's a sneaky, backstabbing, treacherous, two-faced, double-dealing, self centered, shallow, dimwitted tramp. But she is also...very lovely.
Next, we come to Eve ... and well, you know what? Why don't we just save the rest of the lecture for a more suitable time-like when Hell freezes over, or the Democrats win another Presidential election...why are you all looking at me like that? Wolfram & Hart had absolutely nothing to do with any voting machine fraud, and we resent the baseless insinuation by a certain disaffected green-skinned employee-all because I ordered him to murder a long time recurring character. Darn it all, why is good help so hard to find? Does anybody know? I mean, it's getting to the point where I have to bury all of the bodies, umm...properly dispose of the evidence. I mean...
::Cues cheesy cello solo::