A Bitey Kind of Newsletter
Editor's Note: We're a little behind this year at the newsletter, but any Christmas ideas you find now can always be saved for the next holiday season. This month brings some very special guests along with the regulars like "Spike Speaks" and "The Xan-Man". We hope you enjoy this edition, and don't forget to lighten up with Clem! In order to keep your computers from crashing, we've opted for some photo changes. While there will be photos included, the computer here at your newsletter can no longer handle groaning under the strain of uploading quite so many large files at once. Please note, any and all mail for Bloody Marvelous should be addressed to BloodyMrvlsNws@aol.com c/o the author of each column. All email Haddresses and/or names will be kept confidential, and any and all letters shall become the sole property of the AASC and Bloody Marvelous Newsletter whether used or not.
Spike Speaks
By William the Bloody
(Jen)
So, kiddies, how was your holiday? Father Christmas good to you? The truth is, I am quite fond of Christmas, and Dru and I used to exchange prezzies when we were together. Course, her idea of a good gift was a dainty virgin on a platter with accessories, preferably rubies or diamonds. Drusilla had excellent taste in jewelry, credit where credit is due.
All right then, here we go! My holiday brought me to the Rocky Mountains, stunning place if you like snow, clean air, and skiers. Neither Illyria nor I felt much at home. Anyway, we were stuck after Illyria took the car into an ice storm-alone might I add. Thankfully, she managed to live through the ordeal, but using the Viper to run down a Retsnef demon was a bloody bad idea. I'll be cleaning purple muck from the grill for at least a week if I can even manage to get the soddin' car out of the ditch. Four feet of snow and counting! Damnable bint. Needless to say, I was bored out of my bleeding mind, so Illyria got us a Playstation 2. She swears she didn't steal it.
That means I've got game reviews this month. Sorry, no verse this time. Angelus and his threats be damned; the stupid ponce wouldn't know a good poem if it kissed his flabby, white arse. Thank the Powers that Be for after Christmas sales. My first choice, for sheer strangeness, is Katamari Damacy, brought to us by Japanese game maker, Namco. The premise is weird enough-King of Cosmos wipes out stars, and sends his minuscule son to fix the problem. The graphics are colorful, very bright, and a little childish, but don't let that fool you because as soon as you start thinking that rolling stuff into a ball is easy, the sooner you're done for in this game. Each level gives you the size your katamari should be and a time limit to get there. You start out rolling up odds and bits like tacks and paper clips, but by the end of the last level, you've rolled up the entire damn world-along with a rainbow and a few water spouts. The real joy? Pretending the people you're mowing over are people you truly dislike. You've no idea how many times I envisioned bowling over Angelus, him stuck to my katamari while screaming the night away. My second picks get a tie for graphics, story-line, ingenious puzzles and demanding game play. Both Prince of Persia games are worth the effort, but I'm inclined to say Warrior Within is my favorite. And when you gamers out there find yourself sincerely wishing to chop off Farah's head, bird from Sands of Time, for shooting you yet again with her f'ing arrows, go for it. Ratchet and Clank, amazing series of games along with the Jak and Daxter trilogy. Illyria is quite fond of using Daxter as a weapon against enemies-sadistic bint. Onto the duds, who in the bleeding hell at Konami hasn't figured out yet that of course we want to pick up the bloody ammo? That's right, Silent Hill 4. Someone at Konami has been visiting hell on a regular basis, but you'd think the developers would finally get a big clue that asking whether or not the player wants the weaponry takes something away from the game. The graphics are all right, the controls are a little on the touchy side, and again we have regenerating monsters-not enough variety at all. The music, on the other hand, is damned creepy as is Walter, but children really ought not feature in video games dredged from the depths of Quor-toth. That's about all for now, kiddies, enjoy this post holiday season. .
Dear Anya
by Anya Jenkins
(Jen)
From: ConfusedinItaly
Dear Anya,
If someone claims to love you and doesn't even bother to pick up a phone to tell you he's alive, should you just assume he's moved on with his life? I'm really tired of waiting for him to come here.
Sincerely, Confused
Dear Confused,
Why should you wait for him? Maybe he's stuck in the middle of nowhere with an ancient demon who's trying to fit into the human world as best she can! But would someone like YOU give her a chance? Let's be honest, you rarely give anyone a chance-especially demons. Still, my advice to you would be don't assume he doesn't care. Try exercising those super powers of yours to PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL HIM! Yes, Confused, the day and age of ladies don't make the call is long since dead-kind of like that guy we all know you adore.
Good luck,
Anya
From: HatesWhining
Dear Anya,
My service in purgatory is almost complete, and I'm getting a little anxious about my upcoming promotion. One of assignments includes giving news of the afterlife above to a guy I really used to admire and respect for all the wrong reasons, and his single joy in hell is whining and complaining about his constant pains and suffering. Now, I know that having your bodily orifices packed with hot coal is probably quite unpleasant, but I didn't force him to make the choices he did in life. Anyway, how do I deal with a whiner like this?
Thanks, Happy I'm Getting Out of Here
Dear Happy,
Just remember, the Powers probably felt that part of your penance would include listening to that ex-friend of yours whine. It's not easy to be in purgatory, but just remember, this is only temporary. Your former friend will be sitting around with embers up his ass for a long time.
Have a Great Day,
Anya
From: UltimateGoddess
Anyanka,
My pet suggested I seek your wisdom in this matter. He claims you are level headed and capable, curious to find such traits in a human. I am unsure of why this body continues to hold to its' former emotions, and I am unable to fully integrate myself into society. And so my pet has requested that I inquire how you managed after becoming human. I am also puzzled why you would choose humanity over such great power as those of the Vengeance Tribe are allotted. Explain.
Illyria, Ancient Power and Goddess
Dear Illyria,
Finally, a letter I'm perfectly suited for answering! I loved vengeance, don't get me wrong, but I found I missed being human and living out a normal life once I was forced into the business of living. The greatest part? Knowing that I will have contributed as a role model to many young women and demons who wish to pursue their own career interests, including owning one's own business. Oh yeah, and the sex with Giles is great! I wouldn't give up Giles even if D'Hoffryn personally apologized for killing my friend and begged me to return. The best piece of advice I have to offer is find your calling! Illyria, forge your own path, and don't let people put you down just because you happen to exist in their midst! Spike needed that lesson desperately a few years ago.
PS. Give Spike a break and refrain from hitting him with the sledge hammer quite so much. His cheekbones are too pretty to waste.
Good luck,
Anya
XanMan's Tips for Toolin'
By Xander Harris
(Courtesy of Karen)
Editor's Note: Xander Harris would like to personally recommend his favorite book for duct tape goodness, The Jumbo Duct Tape Book by Jim and Tim, the Duct Tape Guys.
1. For my right after Christmas tip I thought I would give you an idea that would put the rugrats to work. After you take down the tree, just place duct tape sticky side out all over your children. Then just have them roll all over the floor picking up tinsel and nasty pine needles. Very handy! Saves on expensive vacuum bags.
Since it is a new year, I thought I would give you some good tips for cleaning up the home and garden.
2. This is especially for you guys out there. If you would like some easy to take care of landscaping, just wad up some old newspapers and wrap them in good ol' durable waterproof duct tape. This makes great easy to move boulders for your front yard. Not only that, you look mucho macho if ya take your shirt off and strain when ya move 'em.
3. Here's another good indoor tip. Use duct tape to Xander proof, umm, I mean child proof your kitchen. You can tape drawers, cabinets, fridge and freezer doors. And you can even put duct tape over electrical outlets. *
* Be sure the duct tape has no metal. Trust me on this one. I am still looking for my eyebrows!
Until Next Time,
This is the XanMan
Hey if you have any questions for the XanMan, Feel free to email them to my new secretary at
BloodyMrvlsNws@aol.com (c/o Karen)
Faith's Holiday tips
By Faith
(Courtesy of Izzy)
Editor's note: While this is a little after the fact, we here at Bloody Marvelous are hoping all our readers can stock up for next year's festivities! Please remember, none of the opinions expressed reflect the newsletter's stance on demon, kitten or chicken killing.
It's the season to be jolly, falalalala lala lala. Seriously, one more Christmas song, and I think I'll go lock myself in the basement until summer. But don’t worry, if the idea of the Holidays makes you as nauseous as it makes me, there's an easy fix. Eggnog with a double shot of rum. And lots of it, please. You'll see. After the fifth glass, you'll find your relatives very amusing. That's the spirit of the holidays, folks. Though this year, I'll have to be on my best behavior I guess. I'm meeting some of Robin's family members on New Year‘s Eve. I'll have to keep the swearing to a minimum if I don’t want to offend Granny too much. The things I wouldn't do for that sexy piece of ass! But as long as they don’t try to make me sing Christmas carols, it'll be fine, no one will get hurt. OK, enough about my life and let's get to our topic. Oh, before we do that, I'd like to say a word in answer to a letter I got from some old hag from Alabama who said I was responsible for her son killing a chicken with a fork. Well, my response to this isn't exactly a word, more like a gesture. I'm sure y’all get what I'm saying, right? Anyway. Lady? I'm not the one who's supposed to teach your brat that it's wrong to kill chickens. Heck, I only realized recently that it's wrong to kill humans! But just to avoid law suits, here's a disclaimer:
WARNING: The comments expressed in this column are for educational purpose, and occasional slaying of DEMONS only. Do not use the weapons to harm innocent chickens, or any other farm animals that could cross your path. Cause like my favorite self-righteous, constant pain in my ass, yet beloved coworker would say: It's WRONG! At least Buffy can brag that she taught me something!
1. To stay in the holiday spirit, I have a couple of tricks that will cheer you right up. You know those ornaments that look like they have no other purpose than breaking on the floor when the cat jumps in the Christmas tree? Well, I know something wicked cool to do with them. Those are hollow, right? So just remove the little metal piece on top, and fill the little colorful balls with holy water. Then you stand at the open window and wait. When vampires come knocking at your door hoping you'll mistake them for Christmas Carolers and you'll be dumb enough to invite them in for eggnog, you throw those nifty little holy water balls at them. See them running. Much more entertaining than watching White Christmas for the 190th time with grandma. Oh, and if you're strong enough to hold your own in a fight, you can also go outside and make the vamps eat your new toys. Shards of glass through the tongue and holy water… Priceless
2. Uncle Bob showed up. And as usual, he brought his karaoke machine with him. Now, I know this is tempting, kids, but don’t--I repeat--do not, strangle him with the microphone cord. To stop the noise of his screeching, show him a little cleavage, offer him a glass of Whiskey, and slowly make him step away from the machine. At this point in the evening, Uncle Bob's attention span should be reduced to almost nothing, so he'll soon forget about the karaoke thing. But if some demon decide to crash the party, the damn machine from hell can be used. You can use the cord to strangle, or if you're strong enough, decapitate the demon. If you're not strong enough, just strangle it, then start singing Wind Beneath my Wings in the microphone. Pretty lethal. (Sorry Buff, couldn't help it hehe)
3. Christmas tree. Endless source of stakes. Need I say more? I'm sure you get my point.
4. Little Johnny got a remote control operated truck for Christmas. It make all kind of sounds, it's loud, it's annoying, it makes you never want to have kids. And yet, in the right situation, it could save your miserable existence. The little family is hiding behind the couch while your significant other is fighting some big ass demon on the other side of the room. You're busy with your own demon and there's no way for you to help him. Little Johnny, from the safety of his hiding place, can send your sweetie that weapon you always keep by the couch using his truck. Neat, don’t ya think?
Before leaving, I just have some more advice for the bitch who wrote from Alabama: Maybe you can ask Clem for chicken recipes. I know he has this great one… Siamese stuffed chicken. I'm sure you have a couple of kittens running around the house that your kid could kill with his fork. New Year is coming, so why waste perfectly good chicken? Just a thought. Later losers! .
Clem's Kitchen
By Clem
(Jen)
It's time to trim down after just a few too many tabby mince pies and Maine Coon dressing, folks. That's right! It's January, and that means we're all going to be lightening up after the holiday indulgences with New Year's promises we don't actually intend to keep. With that in mind, I thought I'd offer some lighter options for tried and true favorites this month, and don't forget, I take recipe requests. Just send me questions here at Bloody Marvelous, and I'll be happy to find a food answer for your needs, human questions welcome!
Grilled Rex Kitten Salad
Demons rarely get enough fiber, but with this salad, not only will you have a few beautifully grilled kittens to whet your whistle, you'll also get your daily greens!
Serves 4 to 6 generous helpings!
3 Rex kittens, not over 1.5 pounds apiece, or you'll end up with tough tidbits rather than the tender morsels you love most.
1 head escarole
1 head boston lettuce
1 head endive
1 good sized bunch of green onions
4 ounces feta cheese
chopped calamata olives
tomatoes when in season
grilled mushrooms
and whatever other veggie your heart desires
Also, this is quite tasty with mandarin oranges or grapes.
Marinate your kittens in a mix of soy sauce, water, ginger, bit of honey, lime, and fresh garlic to taste. Sorry, folks, this is one I don't bother measuring-just remember, easy on that soy sauce or you'll choke on the salt content. After marinating at least six hours, brush a bit of canola oil on the kittens and grill until golden brown and juices run clear. Your meat thermometer should read around 165, and for your human friends, you can substitute chicken, but I recommend looking up the temperature for cooked poultry because you wouldn't want to give salmonella to your guests! Let those kittens rest about ten minutes before slicing thinly.
Tear up the lettuce, add chopped veggies, other goodies, and the dressing of your choice. I prefer balsamic vinegar, garlic, rosemary, thyme, a dash of salt, pinch of sugar, and lime emulsified with a bit of olive oil. Serve and enjoy!
British Shorthair Kitten Bangers and Mash
Serves 8 to 10
6-8 peeled and quartered baking potatoes
2 tsp. light butter (Land O'Lakes makes one w/a decent flavor.)
1/2 cup fat free half-and-half, as needed
salt and pepper to taste
1 1/2 pounds of British Shorthair Kitten Sausage, cooked with the onions, over medium heat with one teaspoon of the butter. I prefer to make my own sausage each year, and that way it's spiced to my taste and extra lean!
1/2 cup diced yellow onion
1 cup well flavored, with a good dark color, fat-free kitten stock. If you're making stock at home like me, you can always chill and skim the fat from the liquid, much easier when cool-mix the cold liquid with one tablespoon of corn starch. Never mix hot liquids with corn starch or flour unless you really love lumps. Makes a flavorful gravy without all the added fat!
Preheat oven to 350, boil potatoes until tender, mash with milk and 1 tsp. of butter until you reach the desired consistency. Season with salt and pepper to taste.
Place sausages and onions in casserole dish with half the gravy in it first-keeps them from sticking, pour remaining half the gravy over the sausages, top with mashed potatoes, and baked uncovered for about twenty minutes in preheated oven. Serve with a nice with a nice green salad or other steamed veggie of your choice. Enjoy!
Fruit Parfaits
Again, demons never get enough fiber from fruits and veggies in their diets, so here's a nice after dinner treat that's low fat and perfect for entertaining as well. The added bonus? It's easy.
Dressing for fruit:
Lime, poppyseeds, honey, dash of salt, all to taste. Chopped fruits of your choice, and remember, frozen berries and other fruits are a perfectly suitable choice during those cooler months-they're more nutritious than their fresh counterparts since they are frozen almost as soon as they leave the vines.
Nonfat yogurt, lemon, bit of sugar to taste, vanilla, and a little low-fat sour cream for some added tartness.
Layer fruits and yogurt mix in sundae or parfait glasses, serve, enjoy.
Evil Gets a Say
by Lilah Morgan
(courtesy of Laura)
Editor's Note: As always, we believe a fair and balanced newsletter should include some perspective from the other side.
Hello All,
Yes, it's your favorite dearly departed attorney with Wolfram & Hart. As part of my perpetuity clause, the Senior Partners have asked me to help advise all the demon readers of this newsletter concerning some recent legal dilemmas.
First, when signing a blood contract, it must be blood from your own body. You cannot use the blood of your dinner entree, your ritual sacrifice, or your personal lackey. Failure to use your own bodily fluid renders the contract unenforceable by the powers of Good and Evil. So, no more cheating, fellas!
Second, when preparing a ritual sacrifice, it is only proper to give a last request to human sacrifices. However, the last request is not a legal requirement; it is just good form. Other animals do not require such consideration. I know it may be ‘speciesist’, but it's tradition.
Third, demons who wish to set up a nice little lair and purchase one of the many demonic based condominiums in suburban areas should keep in mind that the curse on the subdivision does affect you. Even though the curse is aimed to make monotonous humans, you are not immune. While a curse and demon-like neighbors, such as, my new neighbor in hell Mrs. Huber, may make you feel at home, the curse will compel you to keep your lawn and garden in perfect order at all times, purchase a minivan or ‘SUV, and cause procreation of several ‘hellspawn‘. Be warned that once you make the purchase, the curse will take hold and is unable to be broken, no matter how good your attorney is.
That's all for this legal minute. This has been a general legal advice column and in no way creates a binding legal representation between a reader and Wolfram & Hart. If you wish to seek representation, please phone the nearest branch to schedule an initial appointment with a competent attorney. Well, not as competent as me, but I can't sue people from beyond the grave. Neither can Lindsey McDonald, do not believe any representations he is making from hell. He is just trying to find a way out of here and is willing to the sacrifice as many demons he can to escape.
Sincerely,
Lilah Morgan, Esq. (Formerly)
P.S. If anyone is in touch with those in heaven, please give my best to Wes. Deep down I'm glad he can spend eternity with that toothpick, excuse me, Miss Burkle, but damn, if he had just kept on that dark path, we could be starting fires all over this place and make my afterlife much more stimulating.
Disclaimer: This newsletter is a source of entertainment only and not to be taken seriously at any level should you, the reader, decide to write us at the BloodyMrvlsNws@aol.com address. Any mail is welcome, but do keep the nature of the newsletter in mind.