TITLE: Our song
PARTS: 1
EMAIL MARIE AT: Mgrace216@aol.com
SUMMARY: Buffy gets Drunk, and decided to try and patrol. She meets up with Spike, and you can guess what a drunken slayer and a love-sick vampire talk about.
DISCLAIMER: It's all Joss's baby, except for the idea behind the story.
SPOILERS: Right after Smashed
RATING: PG-13
LYRICS: Billy Idol - Don’t You (forget about me), Sixpence None The Richer - Kiss Me, Savage Garden - Hold Me, Limp Bizkit - My Way, Blink182 - Adams Song,
It had rained for two days, making the cemetery full of mud and muck. His black combat boots mad a sloshing sound as he walked. The sound was satisfying to his mood. After about an hour of walking around thinking, it had only managed to get him even more upset. All day he was trying to figure out what went wrong in his life. Where had he made the biggest mistake?
Was it Drusilla? No. No because if it wasn’t for her, he’d be long dead by now. The reason he had come to the hellmouth in first place was for her.
Well, was it coming here that did it? Not by a long shot. The slayer was here. He knew the moment he laid eyes on her, in some twisted way, he had to have her. She was the most amazing thing he had ever seen.
Maybe it was coming back to SunnyHell. Even though he’d never admit it, he came back for her. The slayer. He loved her since he first saw her. Maybe not LOVED her, but he had been attracted to her. All those thoughts just got him more and more upset. *Never came up with a sodden answer.* He thought angrily. *Bloody Hell! I’m turning into a poof! A brooding, Nancy boy, Poof! Just like Peaches!* The thought terrified him. He knew it was true. No matter how much he denied it, he was just like Angel. *Minus the soul* he reminded himself. He was not going to let anyone mistake him for a soul boy. Buffy was the reason he had turned into such a poof. The same reason his grand-sire did. Shaking his head sadly, Spike turned towards his crypt. He needed Sleep. ALL he needed was to get some sleep.
Ever since that night with her, he hadn’t slept. The smell of her hair, her soft moans, her glowing hazel eyes, haunted him every day and night. He hadn’t talked to her even. Except that time he went to check on the Little Bit. Just to make sure she was okay.
He knew the slayers mates suspected something, because Willow confronted him at the Bronze one night. She apologized for her addiction to magic, and then asked him what was wrong with Buffy and him. They hadn‘t talked at all since the night she... All he told her was that things haven’t been the same between them since the singing spell. That was a bloody nightmare. He didn’t want to think about that at all. That was what bullocks things up.
As he neared his crypt, he heard someone talking. After getting a bit closer, he recognized the voice. He had felt her there, but he wasn’t sure if she really was there. Lately, it seemed as if he ALWAYS felt her around him. The vanilla scent of her hair was all around. In the wind, he could hear her sing-song voice. Late at night, when he was trying to sleep, her glowing green eyes were embedded on the backs of his. Everything reminded him of her. It wasn’t fair. He was a VAMPIRE. He shouldn’t feel that way about her. A human SLAYER no less. It was wrong, but at the same time it was right. *So bloody wrong it’s right.* he thought, a small smile played on his lips. He hadn’t been that poetic since before Dru. It actually felt...good.
"No I Don’t! I told you! Like a million zillion bajillion times! Don’t say that again!" He could see her now. Even more beautiful than ever. Had it been THAT long since was able to see her? It seemed like it was eons since the last time he laid eyes on her, and was able to take in her radiant beauty. *RADIANT BEAUTY? Bloody Hell! I’m an even bigger poof than Peaches!* He swallowed hard. These weren’t feelings that he was use to at all. Everything with Drusilla was simple. They loved each other. End of story. There was no wanting what you couldn’t have. There was no hard core, lusty sexual attraction. It was all plain and simple. Out in the open love. It wasn‘t doubted, and it wasn‘t tested. Buffy doubted his love. He was a MONSTER. He COULDN’T love.
The blonde was sitting on a headstone, talking to something beside her that he couldn’t see. She was wearing a pair of blue sweatpants, and a black sweatshirt. Her legs swung wildly over the side of the very large stone.
"Hi Ya Spike!" She beamed, meeting his gaze.
Slowly he walked towards her, trying to find out why she was so cheery. She hadn’t looked him in the eye since the night Dawn was almost killed. Every time she had gotten close to him, she would turn and walk away. When he tried to talk to her, she punched him in the face, and left.
"Uh, Hi pet. In a good mood, are we?" he smiled at her slightly, and she grinned back. *Cor she’s beautiful when she smiles* he thought. She hadn’t smiled like that for a while. At least not around him. And when she did smile, it wasn’t real. He couldn’t remember the last real smile she had. It had to have been before that Glory chit.
She had a genuine, happy smile on her lips now. Her lips. He remembered the week before. When they had spent the night in the old building. That night was as close to heaven as he would ever get. Buffy had no idea how much that night meant to him. She would never know. She didn’t want to. Sighing, Spike slowly walked over to the beautiful women sitting before him.
"Oh yeah. I gots a new friend here! Names Jack!" She said, and held up a bottle.
Spike stared at it for a moment, before realization clicked in. She was holding up a brown bottle of Jack Daniel’s beer. Jaw dropped and bugged eyed, Spike continued to star. *Bloody Hell! She‘s completely off her bird!* He thought in horror. This was not good. Not good at all.
"Aw. Spike-y? Are you jealous of my new friend? Cause a the way my lips were ALL over him? Ha, Ha!" She laughed a very drunk laugh. One that was like lady on the TV. The show where the woman went to sell a house something, but ended up the Nanny. The laugh came from the nose.
"Buffy! your... Your... DRUNK!" He said dumbfounded. Never had he seen her this drunk.
She laughed again, pointing at Spike. " Way to go ‘CAPTAIN OBVIOUS. You look silly! Like-like Giles did when...when...?" She scratched her head, trying to think of a specific time. "Well like he’s looked a lot." She said finally, nodding her head and taking another swig of her drink, before throwing it against another headstone. She grinned at the satisfying shattering sound it made.
He knew what that was like. To just want to brake something to feel better. Believe it or not, it actually worked bloody well. "Buffy. Are you all right? Why were you drinking?" cautiously he sat next to her, half expecting her to shove him away. She didn’t. Instead she patted his knee happily. *She’s gone off the deep end this time* Rolling his eyes, he took an unneeded breath.
"I’m fine, Vampire Boy!" She burst into a fit of nasal laughter and snorting at her own joke. Then she sighed and shook her head in exasperation. "BECAUSE," She said, as if it we the most obvious thing in the world. "Member that night I went drinking with you? And you played KITTEN Poker?" The punctuation on ‘kitten’ was unmistakable.
He sighed, remembering that night. The demons he played with mocked him for going there with a human. That upset him, and Buffy stopped him from beating the bloody crap out of them all. She waited for him to nod.
"Yeah, well, when I drunken that time, all my problems went, ‘bye-bye’" she said, waving her hand in the air. "So I thoughts to myself, ‘Buffy Anne, you needs to get drunk tonight so you don’t have to think of your stupid life.’ So I went to the bronze and drunk myself." She stated simply, shrugging with a small smile. Very pleased with herself, her smile grew. After a moment of letting it all sink in, she stood up, and started to dance around in small circles.
"This time I’ma let it all come out
This time I’ma stand up and shout
I’ma do things my way
It’s my way. My way or the highway!"
She sang in a deep voice, and Spike couldn’t help but chuckle. "Sit down love." He said, smiling at her. No matter how funny it was watching her, it wasn’t safe. All sorts of Nasty creatures could easily get her. Right now, in this state, she was an open target for all nighttime creatures.
"Okay Dokay MONKEY-Man!" she said, and burst into snorting laughter once again.
She stopped spinning, and wobbled back to the stone. The stone was high, and she struggled to get onto it. The furthest she got, was her upper body. Seeing her struggling, Spike grabbed her legs, and swung them onto the stone. After a moment of trying to sit up right, she finally succeeded and clapped for herself. unable to help himself, Spike rolled his eyes at her childish tendency that night.
"Thanks...Buba!" She said, patting his shoulder and smiling.
*Bloody Hell she’s flipped her lid!* He thought in shock. He knew this would happen. As soon as they brought her back, he knew she wouldn’t be the same. First with the kissing him, then with the fighting, and the sex....now the drinking? She was COMPLETELY over the top now. Sighing, Spike turned to Buffy, wanting to help her. "Slayer, why is you life so bloody stupid?" he asked, figuring that now would be the time she‘d tell him what was on her mind. He hated the fact that it was considered tricking her into telling him-she would never tell him any other time-but he had to know. He had to help her. Besides the fact that she seemed so bloody pathetic right now, he loved her, and didn’t want her to hurt more than she already had in the past year. It WAS funny watching her, but she need to sober up. Like he had just said. A drunk slayer, in a cemetery at night, wasn’t a good slayer. A slayer that’s drunk sitting at home watching daytime soaps on the telly wasn’t a good slayer for that matter. Who knows what trouble she could get into. What with being under-age and all, AND out alone at night, unprotected.
She sat silent a moment, her finger resting on her nose as she thought. Her brow was furrowed, and her eyes were squinting. She looked so cute right then. *She’s got a lot on her bloody plate. Maybe I could help thin-Bloody Hell! I’ve gone from Big Bad, to Nancy-Boy all for her! I’m...Slayer whipped.* After a quick glance at the RADIANT blonde next to him, he smiled. *Not that I bloody mind.*
"Hmm.... Where should I starts?" She asked, a childish look on her face. She had that look that a small child gets when asking their parents where baby’s come from. That sweet, innocent look, that covers up the evil, stone-faced death look. "I know!" She shouted suddenly, her arms flying up in the air, hitting spike in the jaw. She didn’t seem to notice though. Luckily she was too out of it to use much strength, and it only stunned him a little, as he wasn’t expecting it.
"I’ll tell you EVERYTHING that’s happened since I gots back from being dead." She took a deep breath, and a moment to think over what she was going to say. Spike didn‘t care, it gave him more time to be with her. "Firsts off. Giles left. I miss my Giles. He was like my daddy. He watched me, and he loved me. my real daddy didn’t love me. Least he never showed he did. I need Giles. But that don’t matter though. Least I told myselves that. I gots Willow here! She of the level headed peoples. Nope. That’s not Willow no more. She liked her Magic too much. That’s why Tara lefted. But I couldn’t leave Willow. She helped me though everything, so I gots to help her some. Ya know? So I did what I could. We’ve been trying. For a week now. And so far I think we done a darn good job!" She nodded her head for emphasis.
Buffy pulled her legs to her chest, and rested her chin between them. The silence was welcoming. Spike digested what she had just said.
She was always saving everyone around her, and none of her friends were saving her? What was bloody wrong with them? The girl was slipping here, and they were too caught up in their own sodden petty problems to help her. Some bloody friends she had. Never before he had let her down, and he was not going to start. He had to catch her before she fell. No matter what she said, he was ALWAYS going to be there for her. Weather she wanted him or not.
"I never thought I’d die alone
I laughed the loudest who’d have known
I traced the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all
I took my time I hurried up
The choice was mine I didn’t think enough
I’m too depressed to go on
You’ll be sorry when I’m gone"
Buffy started to sing again. The words of the song struck a soft spot in Spike. He knew where the song came from. She HAD died alone. On the tower that night when they faced the Glory bitch. Even though they were all THERE with her, they weren’t with her when she jumped. She didn’t get a chance to tell them what she had wanted to.
"Please stop pet." He said, softly, placing his hand on her forearm. Tears were trying to brake free, but he wouldn‘t let them.
She nodded, and pouted out her lower lip. "I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you sad." She said, putting her hand over his.
"It’s okay love." He reassured her.
Grinning madly, Buffy clapped her hands. "I’ll make it better!" With that she began to sing again.
" Won’t you come see about me?
I’ll be alone, dancing and you know it baby
Tell me your troubles and doubts
Giving me everything, inside and out, out
Loves strange, so real in the dark
Think of the tender things that we were working on
Slow change, may pull us apart
I’ll get us back together at heart
Don’t you forget about me
Don’t, Don’t, Don’t, Don’t
Don’t You forget about me"
Still grinning, she turned to Spike. "That better? I like Billy Idol. That song reminds me of you. he’s a cool dude. His hair’s cool like yours! Angel had funny-ish hairs."
Spike laughed, and told her that it was perfect and lightly kissed her nose.
Her hand instinctively went to her nose, and she smiled. Beaming proudly, she hugged herself and hummed the song. If she wasn’t drunk, he probably would have kissed her lips. Then again, she wouldn’t have even let him kiss her nose. She wouldn’t even been sitting there talking to him and singing if she was sober.
"I’ll tell you something else." She said, a sad look on her face. "Dawn’s got no Mom. I’m not her mommy. I’m her big sister slayer. She says your her best friend. She says you understand her more than anyone else does. And You do. You understand me a lots more than any of my other friends. That’s why the song reminds me of you. You said we dance. And you’ve been theres for me since I gots back. And when I lefted, we had just started being friendly friends." She sighed, still staring at the shards of brown, shattered glass. "I wish I had my mommy back. I saws her. When I was in Heaven. Least she knows I loves her now. I didn’t get a chance to tell her before." A tear slipped down her cheek, but she quickly brushed it away. "But I didn’t forget about everyone. I didn’t forget about you."
Spikes mind was reeling. She was opening up to him. This was good. Except the fact as soon as she sobered up, she’d beat the crap out of him. She had said he understood her. There was something right?
"And another thing that bugs the poop out a me," she said, still staring at the broken bottle wistfully. "Xander’s getting married. To Anya. He’s in love. I wish I could be in love again. But I’m to scared to. I’m scared to love Spike." She turned to him now, staring deeply into his eyes. It was a hot green on blue ice. Logic there, was heat would melt the ice. Not in this circumstance. The icy blue only grew colder, more intense, while the fire slowly died. He was about to say something, when she began another song.
" Oh Kiss me! Beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out onto the moonlight floor
Lift your open hand
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance
Silver moon sparkling. So Kiss me"
Her smile returned, as she watched the moons reflection on the brown glass. "Anya sang that last night. When we were at the singing thing-a-ma-jig at the Bronze. That over there," She pointed to the object of her attention. "Looks like fireflies."
he wanted to kiss her so bad, but he couldn’t. She was drunk, and not in her right mind. Instead, he pressed on, determined to help her though all this. There was no way he was going to let her be anything but happy. After all she’s been thrown her whole life, she deserves it.
"Why are you scared of love?" He asked. At the sound of his voice, Buffy whipped her head around, staring intensely into his eyes. Her stare was deadly, yet sad. He was almost afraid he had asked her.
"Because." She said, her voice was a whisper. "I don’t think I can. I know people SAY I can, but I don’t think I can. Not after all that’s happened to me. Angel, Parker, Riley. Parker was a boo-boo. But Angel and Riley both said they loved me-I believed it, too. I thought I loved Riley. Nope. I didn‘t They both left me." She started to cry.
Without a second though, Spike held her close to him, letting her cry into his chest. "It’s okay. Shh. I’m here, pet."
After she stopped crying, Buffy looked at Spike. Her eyes were red, and slightly puffy. "How? Why?" She asked, sniffing.
He just looked at her, confused.
"How will it be okay? Why are you here? Your weird." She said, accusingly. "I yell at you, and hit you, and be a big old mean bum to you, but you stay? Why do you love me?" She asked him, the innocent, childish pout back on her face.
"Wish I knew, pet." He smiled at her softly.
"Well I’m glad you do." She said, nuzzling into his chest again, and crawling onto his lap. "Least I know that one person loves me and will never leave. I‘m sorry I was a monkey head to you." The tears began to fall again.
She felt horrible. All her life, she would get close to someone, and eventually they would leave. That’s why she didn’t mind getting close to Riley. She knew he would eventually leave her, and she was okay with that. Spike was....Spike. He was different. No matter what, he’d always be there for her, and that scared her more than anything ever could.
Spike was stroking her hair gently, kissing the top of her head. He was humming something, but she didn’t recognize it right away. Buffy held his waist tighter, and sank into him.
"If we can’t find a way out of these problems
Then maybe we don’t need this
Standing face to face
Enemies at war we build defenses
And secret hiding places
I might need you to hold me tonight
I might need you to say it’s alright
I might need you to make the first stand
because tonight I’m finding it hard to be your man"
He sang the words to the song Dawn had played over and over again when Buffy was gone. She said that it was one of her favorite songs. Spike had come to know all the words by heart, and when he was alone, thinking of Buffy, he’d sing it. It always made him cry. The song was too much truth about him and her.
"More than angry words I hate this silence
It’s getting so loud
Well I want to scream
But bitterness has silenced these emotions
It’s getting hard to breath
So tell me isn’t happiness
Worth more than a gold diamond ring?
I’m willing to do anything
To calm the storm in my heart
I’ve never been the praying kind
But lately I’ve been down upon my knees
Not looking for a miracle
Just a reason to believe
I might need you to hold me tonight
I might need you to say its alright
I might need you to make the first stand
Because tonight I’m finding it hard to be your man
Do remember not long ago?
When we used to live for the nighttime
Cherish each moment
Now we don’t live we exist
We just run through our lives
So alone
that’s why you got to hold me
If we can’t find a way out of these problems
Then maybe we don’t need this
Standing face to face
Enemies at war we build defenses
And secret hiding places
I might need you to hold me tonight
I might need you to say it’s alright
I might need you to make the first stand
because tonight I’m finding it hard to be your man"
Buffy sang the song with him, into his chest. When the song ended, she looked into his eyes. Tears to tears. "How do you know that song?" She asked, softly.
"Dawn...played it a lot when you were gone. I liked it, and I always sang it before I went to sleep. Or when it hurt to think that you were gone." He said softly, the tears still coming. A warm, tiny hand, reached up and wiped them away. She kissed his lips softly.
"It was one of my favorite songs." She said softly, drying her own eyes. After what seemed like eternity, Buffy took a deep breath, braking eye contact. "Spike-I- I’m sorry. For everything I’ve done to you. I was drinking mostly cause a you." She admitted. "Or cause of...of what I’ve done to you. I- I was so awful to you. I didn’t mean what I said to you that morning. I just...I was scared. Your the only person I care about, who hasn’t left me and that...that scared me more than anything. I don’t know if I love you. I’m afraid to find out." She said softly, crying into her hands.
Spike comforted her for the second time that night. It was starting to get early. The sun would be up in an hour or so.
"Okay, pet. Let’s get you home." The words were whispered into her hair. All she could manage was a small nod.
Spike got off the stone. He looked at Buffy, who was just sitting there, staring at the ground. It looked so far away to her.
"Carry me, Spike." she said softly, glaring at the wet grass below. "Please."
Without a word, Spike scooped the tired slayer off the cold stone, and cradled her like a small child.
Not a word was spoken as he carried her to her house. Buffy stared at Spike the whole time, never taking her eyes off him for a second. Very aware of that, Spike tried hard not to look at her. The hard he had on since he first saw her was making it hard for him to hold her. Trying not to think of the beautiful woman in his arms, he concentrated on getting her home.
As soon as he rang the bell, Willow answered it.
"Oh my Gosh! what happened?" She asked, her eyes wide. Buffy still hadn’t stopped staring at Spike.
"Uh, She got drunk Red. Found her in the bloody cemetery by herself." Spike explained, a disapproving look on his face.
With a slight nod, Willow stepped aside, letting Spike come in. He tried to set the bundle on the couch, but she started screaming. "No! No! Spike! Don’t leave me!" Clutching the collar of his leather duster for dear life, Buffy began to cry again. "You promised." she choked out in between sobs.
Sighing, Spike sat down on the couch with the slayer in his lap. "Love, I know I promised not to leave you. I’m not going to. I’ll be at my crypt like I always am. In the morning you can come crashing into the bloody door like you always do." He tried to explain to her, but she wasn’t listening.
As he spoke, she mumbled, ‘don’t leave’ over and over again. Spike looked at Willow pleading for her help. It hurt seeing his Buffy like this. She was a complete emotional wreck.
Weakly, Willow sat next to the couple. She tried to touch Buffy’s arm, but she only pulled away, and hung on to Spike tighter.
"Spike can sleep on the couch for the night, okay? He’ll be here when you wake up." Willow tried to bargain with her drunken friend.
When she heard the deal, Buffy meekly picked her head up off of Spikes shoulder. "Really?" She looked at Willow, then Spike. He nodded, a smile on his face.
"Promise I will, love." He said, and kissed her nose.
Giggling, Buffy wiped her nose. "Don’t do that. It tickles." The grin on her face showed she didn’t really mean it.
Willow watched the scene, smiling. She knew Buffy liked Spike. It was obvious to her, but not the others. Except Dawn. Maybe it was because they didn’t want to see it. Maybe it was because they were too caught up in their own lives to. After her incident with the magic, Willow made a promise to herself, and to her friends, that she was going to be there for them. Right now, Buffy needed her help. She needed to see her true feelings for Spike. Maybe, once she did, she would finally be completely happy to be back.
"I wanna sleep on the couch with Spikey." Buffy said, smiling up at him.
A wave of pure emotions washed over his face. The Witch could tell he was fighting with his emotions for Buffy. *It must be harder for him than it is for Buffy.* She thought. Buffy spent a whole week of ignoring him, and now all she wanted was him. The fact that she was drunk, and expressing feelings for him couldn’t be much help.
Spike shot a pained look at Willow, and the witch just nodded.
"Alright, love. Go upstairs and get ready for bed. I promise I’ll be right here with a nice made bed for you." He said, standing up with her.
She looked at him, uncertain for a moment. "Give me your coat." She said, her lip pouted again. When she saw the look on Spikes face, she explained. "You’d never leave without it."
Nodding, Spike took off his coat and handed it to her. Smiling, Buffy bounced up the stairs, humming her favorite song.
"I’m sorry Spike. I’m sure she’ll be fine in the morning." Willow reassured him with a half smile.
Sinking down on the couch, Spike ran a hand through his bleached hair. "Yeah and then she’ll stake me." He laughed bitterly "But it’s not that red." he said softly.
Confused, Willow sat down on the couch next to him.
"She doesn’t know what she’s doing to me. I love her. More than anything. She doesn’t believe me. It hurts. I know bloody well she doesn’t want to. Never will. She told me tonight. Willow, she’s unhappy. That’s why she wanted to get pissed. To make the pain go away."
Willow let the words sink in. She knew what Buffy needed. "Spike." Willow said softly, in case Buffy was listening. "She needs you. You make her happy. Even though she doesn’t show it, you do. I know how it hurts. I’ve been there. Just give her time."
"Yeah. She’s all I bloody think about, Red." He sighed, rubbing his temples. "I just hope she really doesn’t bloody stake me in the morning." He said, half joking, half serious.
Willow just smiled. "She wouldn’t do that. I know her, and she’ll come around. Give her time, Spike. I’m sure by morning, she’ll be sober, and come to her senses." She patted Spikes knee. "I’m going to bed. G’night." She kissed Spikes cheek, made sure the room was sun-proof, then disappeared up the stairs.
Sighing, Spike laid down on the couch. Buffy was warming up to the idea of love. She was scared of it. Suddenly, it all made sense. Before his thoughts were allowed to wander anymore, Buffy plopped down on top of him.
"Ready to sleep?" She asked, stretching out next to him. His arm came around her waist, and she snuggled into his chest.
"Yeah, love. Let’s get some sleep." He said, reaching up to turn off the light, then put his arms back around her.
"Spike?" Buffy asked, her eyes searching blindly in the dark. he could see her perfectly.
"yeah, Buffy?"
"I thought about tonight, and you, and I realized something." She said softly.
Spike stiffened. He could feel her heart pounding against it. Nervous? Why was she nervous? "What’s that, love?"
She took a deep breath. Suddenly, her eyes found his. She could see the blue clearly now. "I love you." She whispered, bringing her lips to his.
Relaxing into the kiss, Spike pushed his tongue into her mouth. There was a faint taste of alcohol, but not much. He pulled away suddenly, realizing she was sober.
"Buffy-" He started but was cut off with another, short kiss.
"Don’t talk. We need to sleep. We can talk in the morning. Willow has school, and so does Dawn." Spike nodded, and pulled her closer to him.
"Sing our song, please, Spike." She said softly. Grinning, Spike did.
Buffy held him tightly, even while she slept. After so long of pretending to be happy, she was. For the first time in a while, she had a good nights sleep.
FIN.
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