Will you remember me
Summary: The world is saved. Sunnydale destroyed a year ago. After Spike sacrificed himself to save the world, his reward was to shanshu. However, Buffy’s reward was to forget everything about the past seven years of her life so she could have a normal life like she always wanted. So Spike hasn’t seen the love of his life for the past two years, and it doesn’t look like their paths are gonna cross anytime soon.Disclaimer: The Buffyverse and its characters all belong to Joss Whedon and his crew. I use them to entertain. Don’t sue me.
Spoiler: follow Chosen, the series finale.
Rating: Rated R
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After emerging from coma, Cordelia Chase was spending most of her long recovery on the couch in the lobby of the Hyperion. This way, she felt like she was still part of the action and wasn’t missing on anything happening at Angel investigations. The immobility was killing her, but she didn’t have enough strength yet to be out and about. It had been a year since she came out of her coma, but though waking up from it was in itself short of a miracle, she was still deeply frustrated by her lack of energy.
She threw her magazine on the huge piles accumulating on the floor next to her and closed her eyes, trying to rest her mind.
Living and working with the dark brooding vampire for more than five years, she picked up some useful habit. One of them was to know when he was around even without hearing him. Angel was a master at moving around without making any noise, so being able to sense him came in pretty handy at times.
“How’s Blondie tonight?” The brunette asked without opening her eyes.
“I’m guessing pretty good, considering that I haven’t heard any door slamming, things being broken, and my ear drums are not being damaged by The Sex Pistols.” Angel rolled his eyes dramatically at his childe’s behavior.
Cordy tried to sit up but soon gave up with a sigh. “Angel, are you sure we shouldn’t give him antidepressants or something? I could be discrete about it and slip it in his food. He eats a lot and fast, he’ll never notice.”
“Slip what in my food?” Spike hopped easily over the handrail and landed gracefully in the main lobby, like a big giant cat. One thing the former vampire was grateful for was that surprisingly, he kept most of his vampiric strength and agility. Maybe a bonus coming with the shanshu thing.. some kind of gift with purchase. He didn’t stop to think too much about it, barely enjoyed it.
Cordelia crossed her arms on her chest, arching an elegant eyebrow at Spike. “Do you have to be such a show off?”
Spike ignored the remark. “Anything for me to kill boss?” One of the very few things he still enjoyed in life now a day was to taunt Angel. That, would never change. Calling Cordelia boss in front of him was one of the things that pissed off Angel royally. Therefore, he did it a lot.
“Well… “ Cordelia started reluctantly, “What I predicted would happen, happened. I think you actually killed everything there is to kill in L.A. honey. Business has been slow. But we could… rent a Steven Seagal movie if you want. He always breaks a lot of necks and arms.” She gave Spike a hopeful look, knowing that this wouldn’t cut it.
Cordelia was the only one that hadn't given up on Spike. All the others at Angel investigations had tried to help him during those first few months, but soon gave up in front of the impossible task. After the First had been defeated and the Hellmouth closed for good, Spike had burnt. But soon after, he shanshued and woke up lying down naked in the middle of what had once been Sunnydale, under the bright afternoon sun. Alone. The others had left. So he did the only thing that he could do. He walked for hours, making sure to stay away from civilization considering his state of undress. He'd found an abandoned house close to the former Sunnydale, broke in to get clothes and food, then made his way to the only place where he was sure he would find people he knew. Los Angeles.
The first week was the hardest. He'd had a hard time adapting to being human again, plus he had to deal with Angel's resentment. The dark haired vampire had thought he would be the one to shanshu. Spike now had everything that he'd ever wanted and Angel found it difficult to deal with that fact. What kept Spike on his feet during that first week was the thought that Buffy would call and find out that he was still alive. Then the Scoobies would come and get him and everything would be alright again. So the day of the phone call, he had collapsed. It hadn't been meant for him, really, since no one knew he was even alive. But he'd answered it nonetheless and when Willow recognized his voice, she froze. She hesitated, stuttered, then had taken a deep breath and said it. Buffy had forgotten everything. Everything about ever being The Slayer. The past seven years, the people who had been in her life, things she fought, apocalypses she stopped. She remembered going to high school, but nothing about Giles and his books, the redheaded witch, Spike, Angel… It wasn't simple amnesia, because she seemed to have some kind of forged memories. The same type they all had about Dawn's existence. Dawn had actually been the only thing Buffy remembered about. Willow thought it was a gift from the Powers That Be. A way for her to be able to start that normal life she always wanted, without being plagued by memories of death and horror.
Spike had smiled sadly. "I'm happy. I've never wanted anything less for her." He'd hung up the phone carefully, walked up the stairs like a man on death row, and locked himself in his room. They didn't see him for a few days and Cordelia started to worry that he might have done something stupid. She had Angel break the door down, and they got him out of there and forced him to feed and get back into the world of the living. He hadn't talked for weeks. It lasted until Angel had provoked him, trying to get a reaction out of him. It worked. They had fought until they were both exhausted. Then Spike went to his room and cried for hours. When there were no more tears left to shed for his lost love, he'd simply walked out of the room, grabbed a huge pointy axe, and asked:
"What do we kill around here for fun?"
And that had been the end of it. But he never really got back to being his old self. Never smiled or laughed or made any of his trade mark sarcastic comments unless it was to taunt Angel. The rest of the crew soon got bored of trying to cheer him up, but Cordelia still used the little strength she had left in her to take care of the former vampire.
“Why don’t you boys go out tonight? Have fun, get plastered, then enjoy the hangover in the morning.”
“Not a bad idea princess.”
Normally, Cordy would make a comment about the use of the word “princess”, he hadn’t stopped calling her that since the day she told him about her stunt in the other dimension, but she was too shocked by his agreeing to go out. She just stared at Spike with her mouth opened.
“What?” He shrugged. “I’m all out of liqueur in my room and the store is probably closed at this time. It’s Sunday. Might as well go out and get myself in some kind of trouble.”
Angel got up. “Fine. I’ll go change and…”
Cordelia interrupted him and grabbing his arm, she started pushing both men towards the door while leaning in Angel’s ear and saying in a stage whisper:
“Are you out of your mind?! You don’t change, you go NOW before Blondie changes his mind.”
“But…”
She opened the door. “Bye guys, have fun!”
And closed it behind them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spike was cold, and slowly losing the little patience he had. There were a lot of positive things about being human, but also a lot of things he could definitely live without. Hunger, illness, and cold, just to name a few. And right now, standing outside that bar while arguing with Angel, he was cold. He missed his old duster more than ever. Too bad the damn thing burnt with his old vampire self. With his arms crossed tightly on his chest, he glared at Angel.
“Oh yeah, that’s right, cause you have such bloody great tastes in music anyway. Your idea of good music is limited to that God-awful song, what is it called again?.. Mandy? Maybe if you’re real nice with the DJ, he’ll play it for you just to make you go away.”
“Shut up...”
“I’m hurt. ’S that the best you can do? You’re losing your touch mate.”
The two men were standing outside their favorite bar, facing each other. Sunday was 80’s night and Angel refused to go in but Spike had other plans and he wouldn’t budge.
“You have no idea what you’re talking about you poofter, 80’s music was brilliant. What? Does it bring back memories of bad haircuts and Miami Vice pastel suits? ‘S that why you hate it so much? I can just see you as a big Don Johnson fan.”
Angel growled menacingly.
“Look, we are wasting perfectly good drinking time here. We ARE getting in because if we don’t, I’ll go back to the hotel, Cordelia will ask me why I’m back so soon, I’ll tell her, and… She. Will. Kick. Your. Ass.” Spike gave his former sire a self-satisfied smirk, looking almost like his old self for a moment, and walked towards the door.
“I hate you, you know.”
“Feeling’s mutual mate.”
Angel followed him, cursing under his breath.
They walked up to the bar and ordered a drink, then they sat in silence for what seemed like hours. Women tried to approach the blond man, but he turned them all down flatly one after the other until they finally gave up. The guy obviously wanted to be left alone. And, no woman likes to be turned down.
After a while, Angel started playing with the ice cubes in his drink; he obviously wanted to say something but was hesitant. And God knows he had good reasons to hesitate. Every time he tried to talk to his childe for the past year, it either way ended up bloody or the former vamp would lock himself up in his room for days. But Spike seemed to be in a relatively good mood tonight, there was alcohol, good music, and lots of noisy people. Perfect setting for a manly conversation.
“Spike? I was… I mean… I.. “ Damn. He cleared his throat, uncomfortable. “I was just wondering how you’re holding up… ”
“Don’t.”
“Spike, it’s been a year…”
Spike’s voice got icy. “I. Said. Don’t.”
He turned around on his stool to face the crowd dancing to some old hit from the 80’s, effectively putting an end to the conversation.
Angel shook his head. * Well, that went well… *
Both men resumed drinking in silence, Angel staring at the wall, Spike staring at the crowd. Spike’s mood was getting darker and darker by the minute. He was trying his best to stop the thoughts from submerging him, but he wasn’t doing a great job at it. The song and the girl did it.
It was a whisper of a girl, really. Barely there, just like she had been. Her back was to him so he couldn’t see her face, but her long blond hair was swaying as she danced, just like the very first time he saw his Buffy at the Bronze. So many years ago.
Won’t you come see about me?
I’ll be alone, dancing, you know it babyTell me your troubles and doubts
Giving me everything inside and out, and
Love’s strange so real in the dark
Think of the tender things that we were working onHe closed his eyes and tried to imagine the girl turning around and smiling at him. Buffy. It would be one of her wicked smiles. Flirty, dangerous. The kind of smile she always gave him when she wanted something. When she wanted him. A wicked smile with a touch of sadness in it… tenderness. He could never fully understand it, but he wasn’t supposed to anyway. It didn’t matter. As long as she smiled at him…
Slow change may pull us apart
I’ll get us back together at heart, babyDon’t you forget about me
Don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t
Don’t you forget about meShe’d start dancing toward him, moving her hips in a torturing way. She’d come toward him, incredibly slowly. But he would wait. He’d wait forever for her, if that were what she wanted.
Will you stand above me?
Look my way and never love me
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, downWould you recognize me
Call my name or walk on by
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, downHe’d wait forever just to taste her mouth one more time, to touch her. Tell her how much he misses her every second of his newly found life. He opened his eyes. Tried to shake the thoughts away.
Don’t you try and pretend
It’s my feeling we’ll win in the end
I won’t harm you or touch your defenses
Vanity, insecurityHe had to get out. Spike stood so fast that the stool he was sitting on tipped over. Angel barely had time to catch it before it would crash to the floor.
“What the… Spike?”
But Spike was already out the door. Angel swore and went after his insufferable childe, mumbling something about the mistake he made by siring insane people. *Never again *
Don’t you forget about me
I’ll be alone, dancing you know it baby
Going to take you apart
I’ll put us back together at heart, babyDon’t you forget about me
Don’t, don’t, don’t
Don’t you forget about meSpike took a deep calming breath and the cold night air made him feel a little better. The music was blaring through the club’s door and he could still make out the lyrics.
“What the Hell is your problem?! If you wanted to leave, couldn’t you just say so like any normal person would?”
“Had to get out.”
“Spike… You have to stop doing this to yourself. She's GONE. You have to let her go and move on or you'll never be happy...”
As you walk on by
Will you call my name
As you walk on by
Will you call my name
Or will you walk away
Will you walk awaySpike ignored him and turned around to walk away, but a tiny little hand stopped him. Then the voice finished to successfully turn him into a living statue. He could never forget that voice. Last time he heard it, the voice was saying “I love you”. Now, she was standing in front of him with a mix of curiosity and shyness. Buffy.
“I’m sorry but I… Do I… I know this sounds lame, but do I know you from somewhere? I saw you in the bar and it felt like I should know who you are for some reason.”
Or will you walk on by?
Will you walk away?
Come on, call my name
Come on, call my name
Will you call my name?…Spike just stared at her, incapable of remembering how to speak. She misinterpreted his silence and blushed, feeling ridiculous for even asking.
“Look--I’m sorry--you just looked familiar, that’s all. I'm probably just going crazy or something…”
Will you walk on by?
Would you call my name?
As you walk on by
Would you call my name?
When you walk on by?
Oh yeah
Come on and call my name
As you walk on by
Hey baby call my name!
When you walk on by
Would you call my name…She took a step back to leave, and that snapped Spike back into reality. She was leaving. No. Not again.
“No. Don’t… I’m sorry luv, I’m just a rude man.”
Buffy smiled at that. “So…. Do I?”
Spike looked genuinely puzzled. “Do you what pet?”
“Do I know you” She enounciated slowly as if she was explaining something to a three year old child. "Sorry, I thought for a second you weren't a real blond. My bad." She smiled teasingly.
Spike smiled at the irony. Seemed like their love for banter was a very instinctive thing after all. Even now, as almost strangers, it still came naturally.
He smiled slightly at her, while shoving his hands in his jeans pockets, feeling a little self-conscious. It was like meeting her for the first time again, and he was afraid he really wasn’t making that much of a good impression. He didn’t know what to tell the girl without sounding like a basket case or risking to make her remember, therefore, pulling her back into the huge mess that had been her life for the past seven years. She deserved the break.
“Maybe…”
She blinked several times. “Mm… THAT’S your answer? Not very satisfying as far as clarity is concerned.”
Spike tried hard, but no matter what, he couldn’t bring himself to say the words: “Sorry but I don’t know you.” It would feel like betrayal. He could never turn his back on Buffy, deny the years they spent standing side by side, or against each other. The good parts, the bad parts, it didn’t matter. It was all part of their history together and he could never say the words that would erase it. Could never pretend that it didn’t happen.
They spent a few moments just staring at each other, and for some reason, it felt comfortable. There was a connection there and they both felt it. Buffy couldn’t explain it, but Spike knew: It had always been there. It was there until their last minute together, when their joined hands burst into flames.
Spike couldn’t believe she was there in front of him after all this time. God he had so much to tell her. But he had to remind himself that to her, he was a complete stranger. That made him sadder than anything else. Realizing that he wasn’t part of her life anymore, not even a memory. Nothing. Nothing but a stranger in the street.
Seeing the expression in his eyes go from amazement to utter sadness, Buffy looked down at her shoes, feeling like she was intruding on something.
“Looks like I’m not gonna get anything out of you tonight Mr. Cryptic guy. But now that you got me all curious, you’re in serious trouble. I’ll get it out of you one way or another. I’m very stubborn.” She gave him a smug smirk. “I have to go. My friends are waiting for me. But I’m sure I’ll find you eventually… I’m very clever.”
“I’m in the neighborhood.”
She smiled and started walking away. Spike closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He murmured her name “Buffy”
She stopped dead in her tracks, turned and walked straight to him. “What did you just say?”
Spike looked like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. “I.. huh…”
“You said Buffy.”
“Huh… It’s just… a name I fancy for my kids?” Tony Soprano would look more convincing if he’d said he never killed anybody in his life.
“Sure… Cause it just has that touch of classic elegance, right?”
He had been the one to say that to her once. He wondered for a second if she was starting to remember, but there was no indication that she was.
“You do know me.”
“…”
“Fine, don’t answer. Besides, I don’t want to get into this while your weird friend is staring at me like I’m some kind of alien or something. But it’s unfair that you know my name and I don’t know yours. I have that weird feeling that I do know it, but it just doesn’t make sense…”
“It’s William…”
“Is it Spike…”They said this at the same time. They both looked uncomfortable for different reasons.
“Ok, THAT was stupid. Don’t ask me where I got that from.” She laughed uneasily.
“No pet, you got it right. Everybody calls me Spike. You used to…”
She smiled and shook her head, overwhelmed by the weirdness of it all. “Alright then. “ She took a step back then added: “You and me, Spike” she pointed back and forth between the two of them “I think we have some major unfinished business we have to take care off... See you around.”
* You have no idea pet…*
She started walking away, but then turned around one last time. “Oh yeah… And do me a favor, tell your friend that it’s rude to stare.” She rolled her eyes and grinned mischievously.
When she finally disappeared in the crowed, Spike sat down on the sidewalk, still in shock. Angel had kicked a garbage can and had walked away. The guys would probably brood until the next millenium, but Spike didn’t have the mental strength to talk to him right now. It would have to wait until he found his way through the fog in his own brain.
He had seen Buffy.
She had recognized him.
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When he walked into the Hyperion, the welcome committee was waiting for Spike. Actually, the welcome committee consisted of only one really annoyed former cheerleader. Cordelia struggled to stand up, looking more than furious.
“I swear to The Powers That Be that it’s the last time I force you two to bound. What the Hell did you do to Angel?!” But her expression went from furious to concerned when she saw the look on his face.
Spike looked wearily at her. “Not tonight princess. We can talk tomorrow if you want. I need to be alone for a while.”
“Spike, what happened?”
“Sod off. I don’t wanna talk. Can’t a bloke get some rest? Why is it that the poofter can brood but not me?”
“Don’t give me that shit Spike. I’m not gonna let you go and lock yourself up in your room for a week again. I have enough of one of you doing it. You’re a bad influence on Angel… He walked straight to his room and locked the door behind him. I’m not gonna have enough energy to knock both your doors down. At least tell me why Angel is that upset.” She moved with effort to put herself between the former vampire and the stairs. He’d have to push her to get pass her, and she knew he wouldn’t do that.
He rubbed his eyes and inhaled sharply to calm himself down before answering. “Ran into… a ghost from the past, is all. It got him all upset.”
She eyed him suspiciously for a moment. “You think you can fool me Blondie? There’s more to it. Spill.”
“Look ducks, sometimes it’s better not to ask too many questions ok?” Spike knew of Cordelia’s feelings for Angel and didn’t want to hurt her by telling her that her honey was upset over another girl. But Cordy was stubborn as hell and he knew it.
“I said, SPILL. I can handle it whatever it is.”
“Fine.” His voice was a little hoarse and she could detect something unusual in it… emotion. “We ran into Buffy. Or it’s more like Buffy ran into us… Or me, whatever.” He took a deep breath. “She recognized me. She didn’t recognize Angel. He didn’t like it. End of the story. Can I go now? I need… to be alone.”
“Oh. I see.” She looked at her fingernails and slowly moved aside to let Spike pass. He started going up the stairs. “You’d think he’d be over her by now. Geez, it’s been what? Five years since they broke up?” She mumbled it under her breath but loud enough for Spike to hear. He turned his head and gave the girl a sympathetic look.
“She’s kinda hard to get over, you know. But I’m sure this has nothing to do with it. You know the wanker as well as I know him princess. He’s probably sitting on his bed with his arms crossed, pouting because she dared recognizing little old me and not the great champion poofter himself. Don’t worry pet, he loves you. He talks about you all the time.”
She gave him a hopeful look. “Really?”
“Well… When he’s not too busy talking about himself that is.”
She rolled her eyes at him but smiled nonetheless. “Come on now… go brood. I swear, you two shouldn’t be allowed to hang out, you influence each other way too much.”
Spike finished climbing up the stairs like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders, then went to his nearly empty room and lay down on his bed. The place was depressing enough as it was but tonight, it felt worst than usual. He hadn’t bothered decorating it. He had nothing anyway. The little that he owned had been buried with Sunnydale. Besides, there was nothing that he really cared for except for a few pictures of Buffy that he had stolen when he had first started his secret crush on his former mortal enemy. So his room consisted of four bare walls, a king-size bed, and a few clothes scattered all over the floor.
He stared at the ceiling for a long time, listening to his heart beating wildly. He’d never get used to it. It was a weird feeling, really, but right now, it was taking his mind off what he didn’t want to be thinking about. Unfortunately, it didn’t last too long. Soon, he found himself reviewing every single detail of the night’s events. Memorizing everything about her. Her hair had been much longer than it was the last time he’d seen her. Much blonder too. She had probably been under the sun a lot. Good for her. That meant she had some free time to enjoy herself. Everything about her seemed happier. Her clothes, more colorful and feminine. The kind of stuff she used to wear when he first met her years ago. A really short gray pleated skirt and a fuchsia and ocean blue silk halter-top with 70’s inspired patterns. He had noticed every details of her. Down to the coconut smell, the shiny bracelets and the fuchsia nail polish. She was a vision. He had wanted so much to take her in his arms… Never mind that she would have screamed bloody murder.
He was torn between being happy for her, and wanting his Buffy back. Part of him wanted to go back tomorrow night, and walk around the neighborhood to try to find her. But it just wasn’t right. What was he going to do? Tell her the truth? Not bloody likely. He couldn’t risk her remembering everything and being thrown back into the horror that used to be her life. She was happy now and needed to stay this way no matter how much it hurt him. But… couldn’t he just tell her something like: “No, we don’t know each other, I was just lucky guessing your name yesterday. But we could maybe go for a coffee or something?” Who knows, maybe she’d fall in love with William without him having to make her remember about the past. No. Not a good idea. If she recognized him a little tonight, maybe by hanging around him, it would all get back to her eventually.
He sighed deeply and closed his eyes, hoping that sleep would have some mercy on him and take him away from all the thoughts. Of course, he couldn’t be that lucky.
As soon as he drifted away, images of Buffy and him walking on a beach under a bright afternoon sun invaded his mind. Seemed like a beautiful and happy dream. He was holding her hand, and he didn’t have a care in the world. Then he looked down at their joined hands, and they were on fire. He looked up into Buffy’s eyes and saw only sorrow there.
“I love you Buffy.”
She smiled sadly before bursting into flames.
He woke up screaming.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spike knocked on the door and waited for an answer. Nothing. It had been twenty-four hours since Buffy crashed back into their lives without knowing how bad she bollocked things up for the two men she’d encounter that night. Cordelia was crushed and he needed to talk to the wanker before he’d ruined everything he had worked for.
Spike sighed heavily and tried the doorknob. It didn’t resist him. So he walked in, not caring much if Angel wanted to see him or not.
“Get out.”
The dark haired vampire was siting in his armchair nursing a bottle of some kind of strong alcohol, obviously not wanting to talk to anybody. But turning human didn’t change Spike enough to make him care about what Angel wanted or not. So he walked into the room and made himself comfortable on the bed.
“Are you deaf of something? I said get the fuck out!”
“Sorry mate, no can do. I need to talk some sense into that thick brain of yours.”
Angel didn’t answer and took a deep swig of his scotch. Spike just rolled his eyes at his sire’s behavior.
“You are fucking everything up mate. And for what exactly?”
“I don’t want to listen to this.”
“Well you don’t have a bleedin’ choice as far as I’m concerned. I’m sitting right here and I won’t go away until I’m finished saying what I have to say.” Spike took a deep breath, trying to ignore the annoyed feeling that was making him want to get up and leave. “There’s a wonderful woman downstairs who loves you more than anything else. That fact makes me question her sanity, but she really does love you. And your asshole behavior is killing her. So you have to ask yourself a question and stick with the answer. Are you in love with Buffy? Or are you in love with Cordelia? Cause in my book, you really can’t be in love with both. And if you’re in love with Cordelia and still have affection for Buffy, you have to keep your priorities straight. Do you really want to bollock things up with the woman you’re in love with because of an ex you still have affection for? Seriously mate, what is this all about?”
“…”
“Fine, don’t answer. But tell me one thing. If Buffy had recognized you instead of me yesterday, or neither of us, would you be here right now drinking yourself unconscious?”
“Get. OUT.”
Spike got up and started towards the bedroom door. “I’m leaving you poofter, but think about what I said, and try to make the right decision for once in your soddin life.”
He closed the door behind him and shook his head. He didn’t really care if The Great Poof was busy brooding and drinking. Didn’t affect him one bit cause he knew he’d come out of that room eventually and resume being his old annoying self. But Spike really did care for Cordelia and hated to see her hurt for nothing. It was already hard enough for her to get her health back, she didn’t need to cry over him, especially not when it really was only about stupid macho jealousy. He knew Angel loved the former Cheerleader. He even went through the trouble of forming a committee at Wolfman and Hart who would focus on finding a way to anchor his soul just so he could sleep with her. Never did that for Buffy as far as he knew. Bloody wanker.
He made his way down the stairs slowly hoping Lorne wouldn’t be around. The green guy had spent the last twenty-four hours trying to convince him to sing for him, after Spike told him about the dream. No bloody way in Hell. Lucky for him, the whole gang was out on a mission except for Cordy who was on her usual spot, looking as bored as ever.
Taking care of someone else had kept Spike’s mind busy for a few minutes, but it was all coming back now. He felt completely restless, not knowing what to do with himself. His thoughts were going a million miles an hour and the voice inside his brain was screaming at him to go out there and find her. But instead, he just sat next to Cordelia.
“You’re boyfriend’s an idiot Princess. Don’t worry bout it. Just let him be an ass for a while, he’ll get out of there in no time.”
“Spike.” Cordelia growled lightly. “What did you tell him?”
“Nothing pet. Called him a few names, told him to get over himself. Is all. I swear.”
Cordelia sighed and lay back down on the cushions. Spike sighed simultaneously. They remained silent for a while.
Cordy didn’t open her eyes when she spoke. “Go to her Spike. She needs you. Now.”
Startled, Spike sat up and looked at the woman lying on the couch. Whatever was left of Cordelia Chase. “Was that a premon…”
“Now Spike.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spike half walked half ran to the club where he had seen her last. He wasn’t expecting her to be there, but it would give him a place to start. He tried to calm down so he could think in a logical, none-emotional way. If she was in danger, where would she be? Parks, alleys, cemeteries. Shaking himself, he went quickly through every alley around the club while on his way to the nearest park.
The park was dark and deserted at this time of the night. Actually, it was almost morning now. The birds were starting to wake up and were being very vocal about it, and the early morning air was crisp. Spike once again cursed against his lack of vampiric senses. It would have been so much easier. He now felt useless most of the time but was compensating for it in battle. In fights, he was fierce and ruthless, always being blamed for taking too many risks but not caring because really… he didn’t care if he lived or died anymore. At least, that’s what he’d told them. But the truth was, some part of him did care. He might be bitching a lot about being human, but even though adaptation was harsh, he was still secretly grateful and saw it as a gift. Of course, it would be a much better gift if he could spend this brand new life with the woman he loved. Grow old by her side. But… So not the time to be thinking about this right now!
Closing his eyes, he gave it a try. He might not be a vampire anymore, but it was still Buffy. He should still be able, on some level, to…
He started running towards the other end of the park, heart beating wildly. He might still not know if he would have been able to feel her, but he did hear a cry of pain and the sounds of a fight. The closer he got, the better he could see what was going on. A blond girl wearing red leather pants and a tight fitting, off the shoulders, black sweater, was being attacked by three guys and doing her best at defending herself. It was definitely Buffy. She was kicking and punching wildly, but while still possessing the physical strength, she was obviously lacking the training and experience The Slayer had.
Still running, Spike could only watch helplessly as she went down. With another burst of speed and using a bench for momentum, he leaped up and dropkicked one of the vampires in the head. The two others turned their attention to Spike, and Buffy used the distraction to her advantage by kicking one of them in the groin. He bent in half, howling in pain.
After giving Buffy a quick glance and seeing her holding her ribs, a gash on her forehead, Spike went wild with rage. He dispatched the two who were attacking him very quickly and watch with satisfaction as they turned to dust. Meanwhile, the third vampire had grabbed Buffy off the ground, but after she bit his arm to free herself, the vamp threw her headfirst against a tree and she passed out. Blinded with rage, Spike threw himself at him and beat him into a bloody pulp before dusting him.
Calming down, Spike knelt down by Buffy’s side. He could only cry at the irony. There she was, his Buffy, bloodied and in pain, despite all the efforts that had been put into given her a better life. He gathered her into his arms, careful not to cause her anymore pain, and carried her to the Hyperion.
He used the quieter streets to avoid crowds, and the dark alleys, hoping not to get into trouble. It took him a little longer to get there, but at least, he didn’t have to explain to a police officer what he was doing with an unconscious girl in his arms. He actually hesitated between taking her to the Hyperion and taking her to the hospital, but then he remembered that despite everything, she was still physically a Slayer and she had survived much worse in the past. She was only unconscious because she hit her head badly. But he’d take care of her. Bandage her ribs and keep her safe. He knew he couldn’t keep her safe forever though and the mere thought was killing him.
Luckily, Cordelia had gone off to bed and the Hyperion seemed deserted. So he took Buffy up to his room and put her down on his bed. Spike sat down next to her, careful not to disturb her.
“What am I gonna do with you luv?” He murmured softly, pushing a strand of her blond hair away from her bloody forehead. To him, she looked like an Angel fallen from the sky. Hurt and bloody, but still glowing with beauty. He was finally able to really look at her and he took a few moments to bask. He was more confused than ever.
He shook his head and retrieved the first aid kit from underneath the bed. He carefully cleaned the gash on her head and covered it with gauze. He then removed her boots and covered her with the plush duvet that he found in a heap on the comfy chair he didn’t remember he had. That’s how much attention he paid to this place. Pulling the newly discovered chair next to the bed, he sat by her side. * Just for a little while, then I’ll let her rest * Before Spike even knew what he was doing, he started talking.
“Remember when you told me once that the only chance I’ve ever had with you was when you were unconscious? No, of course you don’t remember, but I guess you were right pet. Here we are, after a year apart, and the only chance I’ll ever have to talk to you is right now, while you’re unconscious. Bloody ironic, that's what it is.” His voice was barely above a whisper. He didn’t want her to wake up, he just wanted to talk to his Buffy while he could.
“ I missed you so much Buffy and I can’t even tell you because I’m a stranger to you now. You have no idea how much it hurts. I miss you pet…”
He stopped, feeling a bit self-conscious talking to himself like a poofter, but he knew it was his only chance to ever talk to her so he kept going. “I’m all torn up Buffy. The selfless part of me is so happy for you, but love is never entirely selfless no matter what people say about it and the selfish part of me wants you back so badly. I know you could have never been perfectly happy remembering your seven years as the Slayer and all the horrors, but it’s our past and I cherish it no matter how bad it got sometimes. It just hurt to know that you forgot about me. To know that I never existed. You are my whole world and I’m nothing to you. It hurts. But I’ll be a good boy and I’ll let it be because you’re happy now and that all that matters. You’re happy, right luv?”
He snickered. “Right. Ignore me, don’t answer.” He rolled his eyes at himself. Getting serious again, he touched her hand lightly. “I can’t help but wonder if it really is a blessing that you forgot everything. Look at what happened tonight. If you hadn’t forgotten who you are, you would have kicked those vampires’ ass in a heartbeat. But now, you’re pretty much helpless in front of all the nasties that roam into the night. They could get you so easily. You forgot so you could be a normal girl and be carefree and happy, live without pain, but there you are suffering again. How can the Powers That Be be so unfair? I don’t understand.”
He wanted to get out. Leave her there. Being without her was painful, but it was a pain he had grown accustomed to. But this… He didn’t know if he could deal. She was so close; yet had never been so far.
“You know I’ll always love you Buffy, no matter what. Two hundred years from now, I’ll still be head over heels in love with you. I don’t know where I’ll go after I die, but I know one thing, it’s that I’ll be looking for you. I know our time together has been full of wrong turns and up and downs, and maybe in the end it would have never worked out. But I always had hopes. I would have tried my best to make you happy. Believe it or not, I was delusional enough to think that we were getting somewhere… Well, that was before I knew our time was up. Shit, would you listen to that? I’m rambling like a lost schoolboy now. Yeah, I know, if you were awake, you’d probably make fun of my ass for being such a foolish romantic poof. Sorry luv, can't help it. I’ve always been love’s bitch. You know that. I’m asking you just one thing pet. Please don’t ask too many questions I can’t answer when you wake up, ok?”
He started pushing himself up from the chair.
“Just one question then. Why did I forget? And if what you're saying is true, then hhow come I can’t think of any missing part of my life?”
Spike’s eyes went wide and he froze.
“You’re--awake. When did you wake up?”
She opened her eyes to look at him. “Just a little while ago.”
“Oh.”
“Why?”
They stared at each other for a moment, then Spike sat back down with a sigh.
“I think I have the right to know. It’s my life and I don’t like when people make decisions for me.”
“True. You never appreciated these sorts of things.” Spike drawled hesitantly. “But I think this was for the best. I just need to ask you a question though… Are you happy?”
Buffy looked confused for a moment and seemed to ponder the question before answering. “Sure… I guess. Normal life, you know. Nothing really exciting about it. School, work, friends. Why does it matter? What does it have to do with it?”
“It has everything to do with it. You asked me why you forgot. Well you bloody forgot because you had it rough pet, and someone up there thought you deserved a break. Hell, I think you deserved a soddin break. The normal life you have now, you earned it. You paid for it with blood and sweat. You craved that normal life of yours since the day it all started.”
“I’m sorry but you’re kinda losing me there.” Buffy interrupted. “So basically, you’re saying that I forgot a few years of my life because they were bad and I wanted a normal life. But it’s my life. It’s my memories. Shouldn’t I have a say in this? Besides, correct me if I’m wrong here, but if that’s something I wanted so bad, wouldn’t remembering that I wanted it make it even better? Doesn’t comparing the bad days with the good days make you enjoy the good even more?”
Spike blinked several times at the girl, not knowing what to answer to that. She did have a good point. Buffy, The Slayer, had wanted this normal life so much and craved it for so long, she would have never taken it for granted the way she seemed to do now. She would have tried to enjoy every minute of it. Bloody stupid gift, that it was.
He stammered, unsure of what to say to her. “Look pet, all I know is what I was told. It’s a gift from the Higher Powers, a reward for risking your life for the bleedin’ world so many times. I can’t tell you more. I wish I could, believe me.” He tried to look convinced, he really tried. But he couldn’t. He wasn’t sure anymore if this really was a gift. Wasn’t sure of anything for that matter. He was just very sad and tired. Worn out by the events of the past two days.
Buffy was looking into his eyes, searching his face for answers. When she spoke, it was almost a whisper. “Are you sure… this is a gift?”
He looked up at her but remained silent.
“Doesn’t sound like such a gift to me. Someone playing with my memories…”
“I wish I could tell you luv. But I don’t know any more than you do.”
She suddenly smiled at him. “Yes you do. You know everything. You could tell me.”
Spike seemed unsure of what to do. “I don’t know… if I should. Maybe it’s not such a great idea to bring back all those memories…”
“Sure it is. It will be like listening to a story. Nothing wrong with that. Just like listening to the story of some girl I don’t know. You can even edit if you want, I’ll never know.”
He chuckled at that. “Yeah, but then I’d turn it to my advantage and make myself look good. And if you ever get your memory back, you’ll kick my arse.” They smiled at each other.
“Come on!.. Pretty please?” She batted her eyelashes exaggeratedly.
“It’s a very long story pet…”
“We can make a full pot of coffee… “
Spike rolled his eyes dramatically. “Some things never change, do they. I could never say no to you and apparently, I still can’t.”
His reward for caving in was the brightest smile in the world.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Buffy had fallen asleep in the arms of this stranger who wasn’t that much of a stranger. Didn’t feel like a stranger. And she dreamt. She dreamt of events that she didn’t remember but knew had existed. She dreamt of loneliness, sacrifices, loss and love. But mostly, she dreamt of a vampire’s love for her, and his ultimate sacrifice to save the world. To save her.
They were both lying on the bed in the nearly empty room, peacefully asleep after spending the entire day locked in there, one telling an incredible story, the other listening religiously. Exhausted, they had let sleep overtake them without a fight. Spike had just wrapped one of his arm around the sleeping girl and they had instinctively intertwined the fingers of their free hands together.
In her dream, Buffy was in Spike’s arms too and that’s exactly where she wanted to be. She looked into his eyes and smiled, understanding everything with a clarity that was almost frightening. Like a door that was suddenly open, all the feelings she had been repressing for so long invaded her heart and she understood that this man was worthy of them. Was worthy of everything. Her love, her trust, her pride in him, he earned it all, no matter what his nature was or had been. His love for her had changed the rules of the game a long time ago and in the end, his actions had proven that he was the better man. Strong enough to fight against his nature for the sake of love. He had earn not only her heart, but redemption as well.
She looked down at their joined hands. They were on fire but the flames didn’t burn her skin. Didn’t burn him either. She frowned and looked at him, then at their hands again. The connection between them, that’s all it was. This fire between them, it wasn’t burning, or destroying anything. It simply was. And that’s when it all came flooding back. The memories.
She looked into his eyes, her face brightening, and simply said, “I remember. I remember you.”
They both woke up from the dream simultaneously; hands still joined, hearts racing. They locked eyes for a moment before Buffy brought her face down closer to his. “Hi.” She said softly.
“Hi.”
“I’ve missed you.”
And they both lost themselves in a hello kiss… the kind that does involve tongues. They didn’t feel the need to say anything else, letting their bodies do all the talking instead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
End