Once upon a midnight dreary, there lived a lovely little vacuum salesman named Bob, who regularly ate pickled pigs' feet. One day, he went to the bathroom and found some toilet paper that was green and fuzzy. "Where did I find such a strange little roll of special toilet paper? I must have gone crazy." he said.
He decided to fly a kite because he was so happy about his green fuzzy toilet paper. Then he decided to go to his neighbor's house and break dance with the dog, whose name was Skippy because he liked to skip while eating Skippy peanut butter sandwiches. Skippy didn't like to break dance, so he decided to bite Bob in the butt. So Bob kicked the dog and ran away to get a vacuum cleaner so he could vacuum up all the fleas from the dog because he was a good salesman.
Skippy decided that he would kill Bob in a nasty way. So he took the vacuum cleaner and vacuumed up Bob. Bob tried unsuccessfully to escape. All that was left of Bob was Bob's toupee and dentures. Skippy had been wanting to write a biography of Bob called The Sucky Life of a Vacuum Cleaner Salesman because he thought that Bob was a big reject and wanted to prove it. So he went to Bob's house and took Bob's vacuum cleaners and buried them behind the trash dump. He found the fuzzy green toilet paper and jumped for joy because he wanted to go toilet papering all the cats' houses.
He then went to Jasmine's house with the toilet paper, ready to use it if necessary. Jasmine was the neighbor's attack cat and martial arts trainee. Jasmine could beat up all the dogs within a hundred mile radius and was known for being a big bully. She saw Skippy coming and transformed into a karate expert. Then she leaped down and attacked Skippy and wrapped him up in the green fuzzy toilet paper.
"That's what you get for killing Bob. He was my sister and he was very cute. He was so cute that I went crazy looking at him. Now you shall die! How shall I kill you? Shall I scratch your eyes out or choke you with the fuzzy green toilet paper?"
Then Skippy decided to use Jasmine's rubber mouse to bang her over the head. Jasmine fell over and died, but not before she saw stars flying around her head. "My work is done." said Skippy as he rode off into the sunset on a vacuum cleaner which was too hot, so he burned himself. "Ouch!" he exclaimed. He fell off the vacuum cleaner and broke his big toe as well as a few other places.
He was immediately rushed to the hospital and put in a body cast and underwent psychotherapy, which he hated very much. And it didn't help him at all because the voices in his head told him otherwise. He always listened to the voices because they told him to kill Bob, and the voices never lie.
So he then decided to break out of the hospital and go back to Bob's house. Skippy knew where Bob had hidden his very personal diary. He decided to publish it instead. Skippy found Bob's stash of illegal drugs and decided to have a party and invite lots of people. During the party, he met a lady friend named Petunia. They fell in love instantly and got married.
But one day the police came to their dog house and wanted to know why he had killed Bob and Jasmine. He told them he didn't know anything about it. They cuffed him and stuffed him. So he went to the pound and stayed there for the rest of his life.
The End
