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Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything else up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their pants so loosely that they appear to be falling off. Please do not take this as an insult, but you and all your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose a compromise - you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric mail gun and fasten your pants securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a barrier method of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I AM THE BARRIER AND I WILL KILL YOU!

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "EARLY!"

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular guy, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date NO ONE ELSE until she is through with you. If you make her cry..... I will make you cry harder!

Rule Seven: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter---- Places where there are beds, sofas or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided.

Rule Eight: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a middle aged, dim-witted has been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I AM THE ALL-KNOWING, MERCILESS GOD OF YOUR UNIVERSE. If I ask where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. DO NOT SCREW WITH ME!

Rule Nine: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to want to hurt you if my daughter is harmed or touched in any way.