My Hospital Diary

This is the unedited diary that I kept when I was at the hospital for my anorexia. I was admitted to the psych ward on March 23, 1998 and was weighed at 92 pounds. The week previous I weighed myself with my bathroom scale at 86 pounds. I felt a little hope at knowing I was going to the hospital and so I began drinking water again. I was placed in lockdown for 4 days so that my vitals could be monitored. At that small of a size one can die from sudden death. Then I was allowed to attend the day program which meant that I ate all my meals at the hospital but was allowed to go home at night to sleep. It was a long drive and when I got home I had little time to do anything else but sleep. I cannot explain how sick I was. The doctors said that I would have been dead within two weeks time had I not gone to the hospital. What happens to your body when you stop eating is that the body cannibalizes itself. When it is done cannibalizing the muscles and fat it goes to the brain. Which is where I was at at that point. Which meant that while I was talking my brain would go completely blank. I would have to wait for my thoughts to come back to me in order to complete my sentence. Also I had a difficult time comprehending what people were saying to me. Even when it was a simple statement. I was small enough that I had to prop up pillows on my bed to sleep because I could not breath if I layed down all the way. I could not cross my legs because it was bone on bone and painful. So I do want to warn you that this diary has not been edited. I hope that in reading it that you gain some insight or hope. Because regardless of statistics or what the doctors say, there is hope.

3-25-98

Today is Wednesday. It's my third day in the psychiatric hospital. I am waiting to get into the eating disorder program. Today I weigh 91 lbs. My friend Rahjsna is the same height as me but she weighs 104 lbs. This is surprising to me because she's so small. I thought I was bigger than her but Michael says I look smaller and sicker than her. I still think I'm bigger. The first day I was here, one of the girls in the program said, "If you had a small puppy you wouldn't starve it you would make sure he had plenty of food. So why won't you feed yourself." What I thought but didn't say was of course I'd feed the puppy because the puppy was more valuable. I may have to stay here for the rest of the week. One of the nurses got me an eggcrate for my bed so sleeping won't be so painful. I think I can make it for a week now.

3-26-98

Today is Thursday, March 26. Michael's birthday. I just got out of the hospital. Not much of a birthday for him. I start day treatment tomorrow. Rahjsna is not going to day treatment. It's hard. I want her to go with me. Were sort of a team like were joined at the hip. I feel like I abandoned her. But it's not my place to help her all I can do is help myself. I'm looking forward to day treatment but not the food. I hope this helps. If not the Prozac will. This is my one chance. If it doesn't work I'll die.

3-28-98

I spent yesterday in day treatment. It was good. I couldn't eat my burrito for dinner. I felt like a failure. We had relaxation which was resting on the floor listening to a relaxation tape. I had to leave early because the floor hurt. I'm so tired when I get home. I played Tip-it with Nicky anyway and I think he had fun. I just feel emotionally raw right now so I don't have much to say.

3-29-98

Today is Sunday. I got the burrito again for dinner. It was even bigger because they added green beans this time. But I said "I am mightier than the burrito." And I ate the whole thing. I also ate it as fast as I could. "Eat it before you feel it. " I realized that I am not having such a difficult time transitioning to the day treatment because my weight is still in a comfort range for me and becasue we haven't dealt with the issues that got me there. The prozac is giving me headaches. They're not bad and I know they'll stop soon. On my break today, we drove to government camp. There was snow and it was wonderful. My eyes are going blurry, I'm exhausted and I need to go to bed. I weigh 96 lbs.

3-30-98

Today is Monday 3-30-98. Rahjsna is leaving soon. She is not allowed to be in the program. I'll never see her again. I don't know if she'll make it. I am worried that she'll die. I feel responsible for her even though it has nothing to do with me. I feel worried that she'll die. I feel a loss at losing her. I feel heartbroken that she cannot get the help she needs. It is possible that I have jumped to conclusions. This may be exactly what Rahjsna needs. I feel terrible at losing Rahjsna but it's not necessarily bad. I am happy for the time I've known her. I have personalized the whole situation for which I never had any control over. I can say prayers for Rahjsna and let her go, knowing that the time I've spent with her was precious and that God is capable of helping her and I am not.

3-31-98

Today is Tuesday 3-31-98. I learned today that I can be supportive of the other girls in my own way. Which is good because I feel like I have something to offer. Rahjsna was released today. I am so sad to loose her but I have such a good feeling about her getting out. I have alot of joy for her. My calories have been upped to 2300 a day. I am hungry now, but I want sugar and they give me regular food. I love olives now. I am sooooooooo tired. I weigh 97 lbs.

4-1-98

Today is Wednesday 4-1-98. I'm cured! April Fools. Today was so tough. I ate anyway. I feel like I'm going to explode. I want to exercise or eat chocolate or cut myself or start cleaning or something, anything. I don't know how much longer I can be compliant. I wrote a letter to my body. It was hard to read it. My blood pressure is stabilizing. My weight is going up. I want to scream. I don't want to be this big. I want to be compliant. Easter is coming. I can't cut myself. What am I going to do? I'm exhausted. I feel like a soda that's been shook up. I don't want to remember. I don't want to feel. I don't want to be here. I'm waiting for someone to yell at me or hit me or something. That's the way it always works. I'm scared. There's monsters in my head and I don't want them to come out or I'll see them. I weigh 97 1/2 lbs.

4-2-98

Today is Thursday 4-2-98. I feel very tired. I moved up from Anger Awareness class to Process class. It's tough. We talk about anything were feeling. I don't know what to write today. I don't know what I feel. My weight is slowly creeping up to 100 lbs. It's scaring me. I'm so tired. I'm going to bed. I weigh 97 lbs.

4-4-98

Today is Saturday 4-4-98. Today as I was pulling out of the driveway to go to the hospital, Ashlea came running out of the house in her pajamas and socks. She was screaming and crying for me. When she got to the car she asked me if she could get in and come with me to the hospital. I've noticed that after I eat I feel depressed. I don't want to gain anymore weight. I hope this treatment works. I don't seem to be anymore in touch with my feelings but I need to be patient. They keep telling us that we need to ask for help when we need it but I don't think I can do that. I weigh 98 lbs.

4-5-98

Today is Sunday 4-5-98. I ate 100% today. That was difficult. It wasn't too much food but they did up my calories and my weight is inching closer to 100 lbs. I find myself fighting from restricting and exercising. I can't guarantee that I'll eat this weekend. I don't want to be fat. I won't be beautiful or attractive. When I get done eating I feel bad. I feel depressed, frustrated and trapped. I have to eat but I just don't want to. Dear Lord Jesus, I know you can see me now. I am trying my best but I know I cannot win. My only hope is in you. I have no place else to go. Would you please repair my broken heart and give me back my memory? For Christ sake I ask these things with great thanks for helping this far. Amen I weigh 98 3/4 lbs.

4-5-98

I don't want to be 100 lbs. I just can't be 100 lbs. If I don't eat I'll get kicked out of the progam. If I get kicked out of the program my eating disorder will take over again and I'll die. No matter how small I am I am still fat. I just get smaller and smaller. I'm never happy with what I see. Everytime I eat I feel depressed. I feel like a failure. Pain is irrelevant. I am not important. Perfection is all that matters. It seems like no matter where I am I am living in Hell. If it's not the abuse from my family its's the eating disorder I've given myself. I feel like a rat in some cruel experiment. I wonder just how small I can get before I die. I want to be in the program and get well but I just don't want to eat or get any bigger. If I loose weight I can fit into my black jeans again. I know there going to want me to be 120-125 lbs. A far cry from 86 lbs. I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't be 120 lbs. I just can't.

4-7-98,

Today is Tuesday 4-7-98. Today in Process group I got nailed. I was asked if I had anything to cry about. What a loaded question. I told them there was lots of abuse. I was asked how I felt about that. I wasn't sure but I did feel something. I just can't say anything nice right now. It's so expensive. It's $15,000. That should be substantially reduced. I don't know how were going to pay for it. If I died, the life insurance would cover the funeral and burial and then my family wouldn't have a large bill. Going through the program is like going through chemo. I don't know if I want to do it. I am very depressed. I just want to die. I don't want to be around anyone anymore. everything is my fault. My kids have an insane mother. I'm not looking at the scale anymore when I am being weighed. I can't handle it. I feel very depressed and tired. I need to go to bed. Goodnight.

4-10-98

Today is Friday 4-10-98. I discovered today that I am sad. I don't know much more except that it feels really bad. I had an anxiety attack all through relaxation class. I feel such a loss and that makes me sad. John my counselor is really helping me. I'm afraid the counselors ar the hospital think I am over dramatizing things and I also think they think I'm imature. I'm not so sure I've done the right thing going there. I feel like a big whiny baby. I should probably shut up and do what I'm supposed to do. But I need the help and I should be o.k. with that. But the bill is going to be high. I should have never complained. I think I am confused. I wish I was never born. I'll never get well. I'm nuts. I can't understand myself I don't understand what I do. I wish I was dead.

4-12-98

Today is Sunday 4-12-98, Easter Day. I ate 100% today. I didn't want to but Michael made me. I went to church. I got alot of support. Jason at church commented on how small I was. He didn't know that I had an eating disorder. It was a nice comment. Like it was good to be small and here I am working hard to get fat. Everyone is nice to me and I feel so guilty for putting everyone through this. I feel like I should be able to fix it myself. I must be lazy or imature or something. I hope John can help me. John asked me "what would it be like if you didn't have your eating disorder." I've hat it since I was 13 so I haven't a clue what life would be like. I do know that I always felt stifled in my arts and I still do now.

4-14-98

Today is Tuesday 4-14-98. I talked to Father Brandon last night. I told him I see my eating disorder in my minds eye. The eating disorder has gotten so big that it has become its own monster. It has seperated from me but is still attached. He is 6 ft. tall, black with green lumps all over. He has stubby arms with one long claw on each arm where a hand would be. He has no legs and is shaped like a blob. He has several rows of sharp tearing teeth and white glowing eyes. He is standing behind my left shoulder. I drew a picture of him and I will name him tomorrow. I think I'll talk to John about him. Since my last talk with John I have been feeling a little sad. I didn't know I was sad. I don't know what else I feel. I think some of it is denial and I'm trying to be honset with myself. The mosnter seems to have alot of characteristics of the nightmares that I've had over the years.

4-19-98

Today is Sunday 4 9-98. I went to church today. I was very uncomfortable. I wanted to leave. I just couldn't be in that room with all those people. There were only 20 or so people there. I felt panicked, anxious, I kept thinking of reasons why I could leave. I stayed anyway but it is getting worse. I'm not afraid of anyone I just can't be in that room. The church is starting to not be in my comfort zone. I think it's the agoraphobia, and its getting worse.

4-21-98

Today is Tuesday 4-21-98. My agoraphobia is getting worse. I'm eating, I'm not exercising and I'm not compulisively cleaning but my phobia is getting worse because of it. The group is continually getting bigger and I don't know how long I can take it. I don't want to go to church anymore but it's such a good source of support and I don't want to lose it. Everyone keeps asking me how I'm going to fix it. What an absurd question. If I knew the answer I woudln't be here. Its' like I can't win. I'm not well enough or sick enough or good enough at anything. I feel overwhelmed, frustrated, anxious and scared. Who cares.

4-23-98

Today is Thursday 4-23-98. I just got out of Process group. I just want to shut down. I have my headphones on so I won't hear the screaming. I feel frustrated to the point of tears. What is behind that door I keep looking at? Is it the source of those screams? Do I want to open it? How can I open it? What if I have a second personality? How can I be a good Mom? Stephanie said that second personalities have different names. If I named her it would be Judy Lynn. I tell myslef to be like her when things are too overwhelming. I shut everything off and do whatever it is that I need to do. Judy Lynn is strong and Susan is not. I did not make up this name I've been calling her that becasue Judy Lynn is me and I am her.

4-24-98

Today is Friday 4-24-98. I discovered on Thursday that I do have some anger. The anger is about my childhood and about how I have only bad memories. Today I learned that the part of me that's missing is buried underneath all the abuse and neglect. That means in order to find myself I have to unbury all the stuff I don't want to remember. I don't want to get out of bed. I'm scared I'll find an insane person. I have a hard time saying these things to the counselors. The words just won't come out of my mouth. I can think them but I can't say them. If I did then they would be real. I talk as much as I can. It's very difficult and painful. I don't have a choice. I can't go back I can only go through.

4-25-98

Today is Saturday 4-25-98. We went shopping today. I bought a pair of overall shorts. There really cute. I think I look pregnant in them with my distended stomach. I ate my breakfast and lunch but about 1/2 my dinner. I just didn't want to eat it. I already feel full. I didn't eat my snack either. I'm gaining all my weight in my stomach and my thighs. I look awful. I don't want to look this way. I don't have to eat if I don't want to. I gained some weight. Why can't they be happy with that? I'm a fat lazy pig. I can't be a wife or a mother anymore. I don't know what good it is to still be alive. They saved me, but for what? Why was it so important to save me? I wasn't supposed to be here. I should not have been born. Screaming, why do I always hear screaming?

4-26-98

Today is Sunday 4-26-98. Sometimes people think they are helping you by telling you your feelings are wrong. Since when were feelings right or wrong? And why do they have to make sense to anyone else? Why is it that when your having a problem people think they now have the right to know all sorts of personal information. I tell people what I choose to. They don't have the right to use friendship as a tool to force someone to say something they are incomfortable with. Jori is closer to me than anyone but right now she's the last person I want to talk to. She assumes the worst, believes everything is a lie and continues to ask me for the truth. I'm not sure what she wants me to say. I think she wants me to have simple problems that she can solve. If there's no trust then there is no friendship.

4-29-98

Today is Wednesday 4-29-98. The agoraphobia is getting bad. I can't stay in church. I can't stay with the group at the hospital and I sit in the hall all day. Dr. Beaumont upped my Prozac to 20 mg. a day and now I have a new perscription. 10mg. of Clonazepam. That's for anxiety. I hope it works. Alot of things are happening. I'm overwhelmed. There talking about giving me taper days soon. I don't want them. On Thursday I am going to eat in the cafeteria with Michael. Jackie got kicked out of the program. Lisa OD'd but she's ok now. There making me do a time line with all the significant events of my life. I have to write a letter to Michael about what I want him to know about my therapy. I feel like I'm going to jump right out of my skin.

4-30-98

Today is Thursday 4-30-98. Today in Process group I brought up how I felt that I was not supposed to be born. Everyone argued with me. Some nonsense about how I was important becasue I had kids. but what if I didn't have any kids? Anyway, John says it is emotional reasoning and not a fact. We are going to work on it on Monday. I'm looking forward to that. I think this would be a significant breakthrough for me. This thought seeps in to every part of my life and is a major road block for me. I think today was a significant breakthrough.

5-5-98

I observe that I am the biggest screw up that ever lived. I want to get smaller and smaller until I disappear. I don't want to feel. Feeling is bad. I don't want to remember it's too scary. I want to shut it off. I'd rather go insane. I'd rather die. There is no help. It's just pain. I can't do this. I can't remember. I can drown in music. It feels for me.

6-21-98

I'm out of the program. My last day was Thursday. I weighed 120 lbs. I lost a few pounds but it's also very hot. I'm sure it's just water loss. The program fattened me up but didn't do much else for me. I still feel the same. I invited Andrea to the womens retreat but I found out today it is only for St. Bedes members. Mistake #1. Michaels Fathers Day present wasn't done. Mistake #2. I didn't do anything special for him. Mistake #3. I feel like a whiny baby. The only thing I'm focused on is myself. Mistake #4. I am a negative thinker. Mistake #5. I think I will always feel bad. I am selfish and imature and self centered. I don't think those are very good friend qualities.

Letters to my body and to myself

4-1-98

Dear Body,

You cause me so much distress. You never look good. You never have enough energy. When I try to keep my feelings to myself you show them to the world. You betray me. You cause me pain. You accept pain. You deserve pain It is your fault I am here. It is your fault I am not good enough. It is your fault that my Dad left. You are never good enough. Your always fat and lazy. I hate you.

4-8-98

Dear Susan,

I'm sorry that you hate me. I keep your heart beating and your lungs breathing because I don't know what else to do. I didn't create myself I'm just here. Please forgive me if you feel hatred towards me. Your Body

Something I wrote and posted on my binder that I used at the hospital

I know why, but how do I change my way of thinking?
Make and take baby steps.
I have a choice.
I can't jump the river but I can build a bridge one plank at a time.
I have a choice.
Its my choice.