‘All I do, I can still feel you, numb all through, I can still feel you, hear your call, underneath it all, kill my brain, yet you still remain, crucified, after all I’ve died, after all I’ve tried, you are still inside, all I do, I can still feel you, you remain, I am stained.’
‘Underneath It All’
Nine Inch Nails
Elizabeth was awake again for the fourth consecutive time that evening. The bed she lay in was more uncomfortable than she could ever predicted it could be for a maternity hospital. She rolled over onto her side to face the little crib that lay on her left hand side. This night had been one of the longest she had ever spent in her life. It seemed endless. If she could just see a peek of sunlight on the horizon, a little daylight to let her know new days could evolve from darkness, she was sure she could feel all right again, if not for her then for the sake of her child. But the days had been filled with sleep because of endless nights for so long, she wasn’t sure if she would ever see a full one again.
Darkness was something Elizabeth Short had to try to become accustomed to. It was now her most loyal companion, the only thing she could be absolutely certain of. After the light comes the darkness. It never fails. She had left a considerable amount of darkness behind and then gained a hell of a lot more.
The tiny baby in the crib by her side snuffled in her sleep and Elizabeth’s eyes flitted over to watch and make sure she was okay. Already she looked like her Father, like one of the dolls they had constructed together in his private chambers. Skin that would make Snow White jealous, raven hair in a scattering upon her little head and eyes so black they appeared depthless. It was hardly a comfort her daughter looked so much like the man she craved for. Nine months ago they had been parted and each day that had dragged by so far had felt like ten years, if not more. It wasn’t right, he should be there. He should have been there for the ten hours of agonizing labor, for the months of nervous pregnancy. When she thrust out her hand to gain some human contact during the labor, there was only her mother to do the deed. But every time she took her hand, her eyes closed and by her side was Severus.
The worst part was, her man in question did not even know about the child and probably never would. Elizabeth could see no way of getting the news to him. She wasn’t allowed to keep in touch with him; the Ministry of Magic had seen to that. Their brief but overflowing relationship had been halted before they had even got started, just as they finally got the courage to express their real feelings for each other. She was sure when she had been forced to leave, her heart had stayed behind too. Even during nine months of womb-swelling, her heart had felt as small, hard and cold as a stone. It was a comfort to know that now she would never be completely alone, she had a little creature who was 50% Severus and 50% herself but it just wasn’t the complete picture. Not the picture she wanted it to be anyway.
Just recently her mind had been full of images of them as the impossible family. Elizabeth and Severus lying in late on Saturday mornings and their little daughter asleep between them. His eyes would be on hers and he would kiss their daughters tummy and then tell them both how much he loved them. These fantasies were dangerous, Elizabeth knew this, but what else did she have to keep her going in such a desperate situation? Her Mother who could never understand what it was about a forty year old Professor that could make her daughter sacrifice her education? Her friends who hadn’t even bothered to keep in touch since her extrication. A baby who could never understand the desolation she had been brought into?
Elizabeth felt as though her heart had been cut out with a potato peeler. He should be there. There was a chair in the corner of her hospital room and every time she looked at it, she could imagine him keeping an eye on the two of them from it, waiting patiently to take them to a non-existent home where he could care for them. She wondered what he would be doing at that exact time back at Hogwarts. Doing what he always did, just spending time alone, waiting in his dungeon for lesson time to begin. She wondered if he missed her, if his words had been truthful. He had said he loved her, but could his love extend to the small family they had become, even if one member was absent? She wasn’t sure.
Ruth Snape murmured a little in her sleep and began to wake herself through her own noise making. Elizabeth hoisted herself up to a sitting position and bent over the crib to see what the commotion was. The little soul was so beautiful, Elizabeth could hardly believe it had come from her. Purity. Innocence. These things Elizabeth Had forgotten about. How could something so tiny and perfectly formed come from such a heart-crushing situation? She picked the child up and held her tight to her, trying to warm her own soul from the love of another. The baby became quieter and as Elizabeth carried her over to the window for a look at how dawn was progressing, she fell back asleep. She was so tiny. Hands that when pressed up against her Fathers they would look dwarfed. The mere thought of Snape holding his child made tears well up in Elizabeth’s eyes. The thought of the poor man who acted as though he hadn’t known true love in so long actually holding his own baby, a baby who would love him unconditionally simply because he was her father was strange. He deserved Ruth more than she did. She screwed her eyes up tight as a futile attempt to block out the pain of loneliness. To blind herself from pain.
She looked down at the smallest thing in her arms. This came from him. Like some kind of unintentional gift. This little face and these black eyes came from him. If the child had been born with blue eyes like her own it would have been so much harder, but she looked so much like him. Her little face, her pale skin. Elizabeth held the baby tight and kissed her little head before crossing the room again to put her back to bed. If she was going to be depressed, she wasn’t going to drag her daughter down with her. She covered her with the thin white blanket the hospital had provided and watched just to make certain she was going to be all right. When she felt safe enough, Elizabeth went in her bag and took out her cigarettes and lighter and left the room.
Outside, she found a bench where she could sit and try to enjoy some time alone. She knew there would be hardly any time for that in the future, that was her responsibility now, to always be there. To be two parents. Outside it was cold but the sun had finally arrived and it illuminated the sky with a thin strip of gold on the horizon. It had reached the height the sun needs to get too where beyond that all you can see is color. Pinks and ochre clouds. It wouldn’t be long until the full sky was full of color, instead of half dawn and half midnight black.
Elizabeth lit up a cigarette and clutched herself, wishing she had brought a dressing gown. In her minds eye she could see him bringing her one and with it, kisses and cuddles, more than she would ever need. She could feel his hands land soft and strong on her shoulders, easing away the knots of tension that had built up over nine months.
"Stay with me." She whispered. All she needed was a minute with him, just to know there was more than one reason to carry on. He couldn’t leave and he couldn’t stay because he wasn’t there. She exhaled smoke into the sky. Just one minute would be enough, just to tell him that they had a child, that she had given her his surname, that she still loved him and always would. Her heart was breaking.
Finally the emotion became too much and she let a sob escape and her hand came up to meet her face and to catch the tears that fell. She missed him so terribly. His touch, his beautiful voice, his smell of classrooms, smoke and spice, his comfort and vulnerable streak, his soft hair and fierce stare. Every time he had hit her or kissed her, each had the same effect and impact. Just for a moment, she let herself be with him. Let the hands she felt steady on her shoulders be real. What would he do in these circumstances? She could not predict him. He smoothed hands down her arms and rested his head on her shoulder. The fingers linked. She sighed as fresh tears came. New grief.
Would it be so terrible if there were allowed to be together? Underneath it all she knew they were good people. Him especially, she knew he had what it took to be a father and a man. She opened her eyes and looked back up at the sun. She felt the chill, the chill of an uncertain future for all three of them, the chill of solitude. Did she now understand what it felt like to be in his shoes? To know you will always be alone no matter what sacrifices you make? A girl alone, her first day into motherhood, as alone as anyone could ever feel. She finished her cigarette and returned back to her room, to be with their daughter, the only comfort fate could provide for now.
