WIL...
What's the secret to being satisfied by a man in bed? Wil Anderson gives us his, er, expert advice
American President George W Bush once suggested Osama bin Laden may be in a place no man can find. If that's true, then I think many Australian women might suggest that he's hiding behind a clitoris.
It's sad that in the new millenium so many men still find it easier to spot Wally than to put their finger on a way to satisfy their partner's sexual needs. This is why it's time women took charge in the bedroom. Let's face it, girls are all too well aware that some guys can be a little like Bono in the foreplay deopartment - they search high and wide but they still haven't found what they're looking for.
Yet, just like when they're driving, Aussie men are either too proud, or too pig-headed, to stop and ask for directions. So my advice is simple: don't wait wait for him to ask, just tell him. Give him a little sign, girl. In fact, bugger it, install some bloody great big signs if you really need to, like "Wrong Way Go Back", "Men at Work", "Slippery When Wet", and maybe even a big red arrow pointing to the G-spot reading, "You are Here".
Now the first step is, he's never going to know where anything is if he doesn't get his face down there to have a look. Unless you are adting Luke Skywalker, assure him he doesn't have to guide his way around using nothing but the force and his trusty light sabre. In fact, if you're really adventurous, why not go the whole hog and give him a miner's hat and a snorkel?
Also worth noting is that you have to be very clear with what you want during sex, as guys sometimes find it very difficult to make rational decisions. This is mostly because all the blood has drained away from teh brain, shutting the door on the way out and leaving a note saying, "Back in five minutes!"
Blokes can sometimes find it a little difficult to fully concentrate on their partners' needs when most of their brain is taken up by trying to recite the AFL ladder backwards in their head, or count every second letter of the alphabet to make sure the whole event isn't over in world record time. So if you really want to have a fulfilling sex life, you have to take matters into your own hands and train your bloke. Training a bloke is a lot like house training a dog, and I'm not just talking about positions. Although sometimes, just like a dog, if they are not getting the message, it does help to rub his face in it.
If you reward a guy for a certain type of behaviour, say with a touch, caress, kiss, lick, sip or suck, then it is only natural that next time he will repeat the behaviour. And before you can ring a bell and say "Pavlov", you can be on your way to the sort of sexual gratification Sting could only dream about.
Now, I should point out there is a downside to this method. It does mean that you are now not allowed to fake orgasm. Obviously, I know that no one reading this article has ever faked an orgasm, or ever been in a situation where they've needed to. I'm mostly talking about other women, who read other magazines. But if a guy is doing something that's not doing anything for you, and Sex and the City is about to come on, just tell him. Don't give in to the temptation to just slap on the face paint and put on a show anyway just to get it over with, because I guarantee if you fake the Big O he is going to do that same move every time you have sex, because that's now his closer.
So why are so many guys so naive when it comes to great sex? Well, my theory is it stems from the fact that while guys talk about sex all the time they rarely talk about "real" sex. But if a girl has been dating a guy for more than a week you can pretty much gurarantee all her female friends know how often they do it and in what positions, and could easily identify his penis in a police line up. Blokes tend to talk more about which character from The Simpsons they'd shag if they got the chance. Would it be Marge because they've got a thing for women with big hair, or Patty and Selma because they've got a thing for twins?
Also, guys tend to learn most of their sexual lessons from an older boy in the playground. At my school he was known as Brother Micheal. The information is often sketchy at best - when I was 12 I thought something really sexy you did with a girl was called a Hedgehog.
I actually think the world would be a much happier place for everyone if guys got taught sex techniques in the classroom. Instead of long division and algebra, how about they teach some leg division and undo-the-bra. In fact, maybe they could teach it in conjunction with algebra. Let x= your tongue and y= the clitoris. If you do this equation correctly, x+y should equal 0. O-O-Oh!
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