WIL...
Wax on... wax off? Wil Anderson dissects the, er, bare facts of women and the Brazilian, and what men really think.
Is it just me, or does it disturb anyone else that innovations in space research and development seem to be constantly outstripped by advances in pubic hair R & D? Either society has got its priorities way out of whack or NASA really needs to recruit some of those scientists working at the Pond's Institute.
It seems the modern bikini line is evolving even faster than the McDonald's New Tastes Menu. Yes, it's back, sack and crack time now. Every time I open a fashion magazine these days, they've come up with a new name for gettin' waxy around the jacksie.
Do you remember when the only nickname for pubic hair was the very Alf Stewart-sounding Map of Tassie? Well, if that name still applies, then the Greens are going to be pretty pissed off, because recently Tassie has been hit by some major deforestation and logging of old growth areas.
Yes, I'm talking about the Brazilian. What do guys think of this new fashion which has meant most women are now so skilled in the art of wax on, wax off they could star in the next Karate Kid movie, or at least open their own bonsai business?Well to be perfectly honest, we like it. In fact, we love it. We love it sooo much we want to get those two guys from Maggi Snack Stop to do an ad about it. Did I mention we love it?
Now don't get me wrong, most blokes I know find nothing more attractive than a women who is completely comfortable with her own body - whether she has a Brazilian or so much hair British backpackers are getting lost, the Blair Witch is too scared to go in, and Han Solo is down there because he think's he's found the copilot for the Millenium Falcon.
But that said, a lot of guys do prefer the Brazilian, and there is one main reason why - oral sex. Most blokes I know love giving head, it's just they don't feel the need to floss while they are down there. As one of my more classy friends put it, "Mate, if I wanted a mouthful of hair I would have got a souvlaki from the mobile food van on the way home from the pub."
In fact, the only problem that most men have with the Brazilian is keeping up with all the different names and styles. The bikini wax seems to change names more often then Sean Puff Daddy Puffy P Diddy Combs.
For example, what is the correct term for when there is absolutely no hair at all? So far I have heard it referred to as The Hollywood, The Barbie, The Porno and The Triple X - so called because having all those hairs pulled out is about as painful as sitting through any movie that stars Vin Diesel.
Personally, I favour The Barbie, not because of the children's toy, but because it means that old Australian expression "throw another snag on the barbie" can now be considered a pick-up line.
Then there's the single strip of hair down the middle, often dubbed The Runway. I'm always a little worried when I see a girl with one of these, because if she's got a runway, maybe she's expecting to see a jumbo, instead of the single engine light aircraft that's about to request clearance for landing. This style also goes by the name of The Racing Stripe, which I'm not sure is such a great name. I mean, honestly girls, when it comes to the art of making love, do you really want to be reminding guys of racing, let alone coming first? You'd be a lot better off just installing a little Stop and Slow sign.
It seems the styles are as infinite as the imagination. I have seen everything from love hearts to boyfriend's names (incidentally, a lot easier if his name is Wil, ratehr than say, The Artist Formerly Known As Prince). And although I'm yet to see the one design I think would most accurately reflect the way most Aussie men make love - the Microsoft paperclip help icon. "You look like you are trying to please me sexually, would you like some help?"
So in this world dominated by new waxing techniques and styles, is there any hope left for the girl who doesn't need a beautician down there, but rather a visit from Jamie Durie and the Backyard Blitz team? What is the future for those whose bikini line is so thick that to provide enough wax for a Brazilian they would have to melt down the Kylie statue at Madame Tussaud's?
Well, the good news is that the only thing we can be truly certain of when it comes to fashion is that fashions change. Sure, the Brazilian might be on everyone's lips now, but it wasn't that long ago that everyone thought puffy jackets were a good look.
Five years from now, the Hairy George W might be back, and instead of taking grooming advice from ads featuring Sarah Michelle Gellar or Liz Hurley, the women of Australia might be captivated by the sight of a naked Greg Matthews staring out at us from the television saying, "Advanced Hair... down there!"
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