WIL...
Life, death and the in between ...
Wil Anderson is a bit spooked by the appeal of TV's latest psychic guru.
I've always thought I was pretty in touch with my feminine side. I've waxed, worn nail polish and frocked up more than a regular on The Footy Show. In fact, I'm so comfortable with my inner woman that I even cried at the end of Beaches - although that was more because I'd paid 16 bucks to take the girl I had a crush on to see it, and then she still wouldn't let me put my hand up her top.
However, there is one thing almost all my female friends are into that I have to admit I just don't get - and I'm not talking about making sweet, sweet love to a man. No, I'm talking about John Edward.
For those who aren't familiar with his work, John Edward is a TV psychic who has been getting huge ratings with his show called Crossing Over, in which he claims to communicate with the dead, which is coincidentally a very similar job to hosting a TV show on the ABC, or being John Laws' hairdresser.
So why are so many people, especially women, tuning in to John's psychic channel? Well Johnny E devotees assure me this puffy, polo-necked, pseudo psychic's major appeal is his amazing accuracy. Yet every time I watch an episode, he seems to do more fishing than Rex Hunt on holiday at Sea World.
"Ok, I'm definately sensing a presence here. It's either a man ... or woman, or possibly a man-lady, who is either older, younger or the same age, and they fought in the war ... or really liked Star Wars ... or Steve Waugh ... or maybe they had a really nice pair of combat pants."
Wow, you've convinced me. And Bill Gates is going to send me $1000 for sending a chain mail to 20 of my friends.
Oh hang on, wait, now I'm having a vision, it's a horse, no a cow, no a bull, and I think it's defecating. Imagine if they let you be that general on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? "Eddie, I think that it's definately a or b, or maybe c or d ... can I call a dead relative?"
My other major gripe with Crossing Over is when the dead finally do get in contact, they rarely have much of interest to say, other than that everything is fine, and Aunty Ethel is up here as well and sends her love. It's basically the psychic equivalent of a holiday postcard, athough hopefully without the "wish you were here" bit at the end.
Don't get me wrong. This comfort is all well and good and seems to be appreciated by those recieving it, but it does raise the big question that if he can truly communicate with the dead, why doesn't he ever talk to anyone decent?
Instead of a boring accountant who died of a tragic paper cut, why doesn't he use his gift to talk to Elvis or Martin Luther King or even Jesus? Why doesn't he have a chat to Ozzy Osbourne's brain cells or Dannii Minougue's career? Why doesn't he get a gig channelling Michael Hutchence so INXS could piss off Jon Stevens?
In his defence, Edward, who claims to recieve the messages using clairvoyance, clairaudience, clairsentience and I think occaisionally clairdanes, says the dead only show him symbols which he then has to interpret to find their meaning, which makes the afterlife sound a lot like a big game of Burgo's Catchphrase.
Meanwhile, despite the doubters, Edward has already become a big star, and believe it or not, a bit of a sex symbol too.
To be honest, when it comes to great spunks I'd personally place John Edward slightly behind Edward Woodward and Mister Ed, but my female friends inform me that the ability to talk with the dead is very alluring. So fellas, next time you're in a bar, instead of asking, "Do you come here often?", walk up to a girl and gently whisper in her ear, "I see dead people."
I've already noticed some Edward-speak sneaking into the common language, with people using terms like "Sensing!" and "Can You Validate This?", which are all spelled with capital letters because they are Very Important! It's like his scripts are being written by the editor of Smash Hits! I can hardly wait for the day I'm standing in McDonald's and the pimply teenager at the counter says, "I'm sensing you want fries with that ... but I just want to validate it with you!"
Despite my scepticism, I do hope John Edward is still on TV when I pass, just so if he tries to contact me I can let my answering machine get it and tell my loved ones what they really want to hear.
"I'm sensing someone. It's Wil ... he's saying leave a message because he's currently out having a spa with Kurt Cobain and the Queen Mum. But he would like to tell his family that he loves them very much, and for the record, Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone, Elvis isn't up here anywhere, the remote you've been looking for is down the back of the couch, and Saturday night's lotto numbers are 5, 11, 13, 22, 31 and 36."
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