WIL...
We thought that all guys loved female strippers. Well, kind of, says Wil Anderson, but only up to a certain point
At the risk of being kicked out of the blokes club, and having my spitting, burping and adjusting-myself-in-public privileges suspended for an indefinite period of time, I have a confession to make: I don't like strip clubs.
Don't get me wrong, it's not that I have any objection to attractive women taking their clothes off in front of me. In a world filled with increasing complexities, I'm proud to say that when it comes to hot, naked chicks, I'm still one of the Coalition of the Willing. It's just that for me, going to a strip club is like going to a really expensive restaurant, but instead of letting you eat the food, they bring it out, put it in front of your face, let you look at it, smell it, charge you for it, and tehn send you home ...hungry.
This is why I was stunned to learn that the latest trend at many so-called gentlemen's clubs, is for strippers to double as human plates, with food being served from the their erogenous zones. A very McHappy Meal, if you will.
Now I'm sorry if I sound like a bit of a prude, but I just can't see the attraction. OK, I admit it might be a great way to get guys to help with the washing up after dinner, but I think the downside will be many of them volunteering to lick the plate clean instead. And they'd probably charge extra if you found a hair. In fact, they could call it garnish, unless you ordered the Brazilian of course.
I admit there's a small part of me attracted to the idea of going for Chinese and having the lazy Susan actually be a lazy girl called Susan, and the chopsticks just a naked Posh Spice, but that's counterbalanced by the idea of accidentally stumbling into a Bangkok bar and seeing meatballs served in a way that would make me a vegetarian for life.
Having human plates would certainly mean you had to be extremely careful about what you ordered: "Well, the rump and breast certainly look titillating, and that's a nice rack of lamb, but I think I just want something sweet to nipple on, I mean nibble on - how about the sticky date?" The waiter: "Excellent, would you like thighs with that? Takeaway or eat in?" Also, for safety issues, you'd have to stringently regulate what was served on each body part.
While bum cheeks would make a wonderful toast rack, too much ice cream served with the melons could result in nipples that could take someone's eye out, and it would probably be a good idea to avoid the flambe altogether. As my mum used to say, "Apart from Moses, nobody likes a burning bush." Then there's the question of size. If you want to upsize your meal, do they justs erve it on someone fatter? If you only want an entree, is it served on a naked midget? Is there a kid's menu? If you can't finish your meal, can you get a doggy-style bag to take home? If you order takeaway and they don't come in 30 minutes, is it free? And don't even get me started on finger food.
Anyway, for those who are as turned off by this idea as me, it seems this sort of business lunch might not be around for much longer. Health authorities have vowed to crack down on this practice (and I emphasise the term "crack down") despite those running the clubs claiming it's, "Good, clean fun." I disagree. To me, "good, clean fun" is something The famous Five would do, and I'm sorry, but I can't remember any adventures where Julian, Dick and George ate a picnic off Anne's vagina, then washed it down with lashings of ginger beer. I think it's best we don't even ask where Timmy the dog fits in.
The simple truth is, human plates is an idea only a man could come up with; a perverted, hungry man. I couldn't imagine a group of woman wanting to pop out for a quick lunch off a naked guy.
"Excuse me, I ordered the meat and two veg, not two kiwi fruit and a button mushroom ... oh the food hasn't been served yet. Right. Sorry."
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