WIL...
Wil Anderson settles a question we've wondered ever since Baywatch: what do mean really think of fake breasts?
I've checked with ASIO and I don't think I'm revealing any confidential state secrets when I tell you that men love breasts. In fact, the only way we could like them more is if one nipple dispensed cold beer and the other could be tweaked to tune in to the cricket.
However, what you might not be as aware of is that most guys don't care that much about size. I've always been a firm believer in the theory that as long as my partner has bigger breats than me, I'm happy. Although, in keeping with that rule, if I keep eating buckets of fried chicken I may have to start dating Pamela Anderson.
We love breasts in all their shapes and sizes. The only thing that really pisses us off is the Wonderbra, or even worse , the padded bra. That's misleading advertising. They should get Alan Fels and his mates down at the ACCC onto that one.
Basically, for a guy, it's the equivalent of thinking you've got a really huge Christmas present, but when you unwrap it, it turns out Nan just put a packet of Tic Tacs inside a show box.
Which brings me to breast implants. You see, despite what women might think, in my experience most guys aren't really that attracted to women who have had heaps of plastic surgery; many men are quite turned off by it. To put it bluntly, when tehy wake up the next morning, guys like to be sure they've shared a bed with a real women, not got hopelessly drunk and made out with a piece of Tupperware.
I guess blokes figure that if theyr eally want to make love to a plastic woman they can mail order one from Canberra, and that way they don't have to take them to a Gwyneth Paltrow movie before they put out.
Don't get me wrong, massive fake breasts probably come in handy if your only aim in life is to star in a Cougar bourbon ad. But they're not really that helpful if you have bigger aims in life, like wanting to be able to go for a jog without knocking yourself out.
I was amazed to read that women will soon be able to get breast implants during their lunch break. Is it just me, or does it disturb anyone else that you can now get plastic surgery in less time it takes to watch Weekend At Bernie's?
I'm not sure cosmetic surgery is really the sort of thing you want to rush. Look at Micheal Jackson - he took his time getting it done and still looks like someone the Elephant Man would have teased in the playground at school.
Seriously though, why would anyone possibly want to get breast implants during their lunch break? It's hardly an impulse item. I've never been in the eight items or less lane at Coles behind someone saying, "I'll have a NW mag, a Chokito ... oh, and some new boobs. Do they count as one item or two?"
The only time I can see this service coming in handy is if you're having a kids birthday party and forgot to organise a jumping castle, or you're planning to get drunk and fall over a lot and you're looking for something to cushion the fall.
And discretion is going to go out the window. How do you explain to your work colleagues when you come back from lunch with renovations even Jamie Durie couldn't get donw in that amount of time?
"Oh, I don't know what happened. I must've been stung by two very accurate bees!"
"I was photocopying my breasts, as you do, and I must've had the machine on enlarge."
"Oops, I knew I spilled something on my shirt during lunch. I thought it was gravy, but it must've been collagen."
What disturbed me most about this story was that the operation would be available to anyone over the age of 16.
At the risk of sounding like an old nanna - and thus having to dye my hair blue, start watching Kerri-Anne Kennerly and forget how to use an ATM - do we really think a 16 year old should be making a cosmetic decision that could affect the rest of their life? Put it this way, when I was 16 I thought hypercolour was a good look.
The only plastic you should have in your body at 16, is if you get really excited and eat the whole Kinder Surprise.
What happened to the good old days when teenagers would stuff their bras with tissues? Where I'm from, guys loved that. If you got to second base you could pull them out and pretend to be a magician.
If we don't stop this obsession with plastic surgery, getting your boobs done in your lunch hour won't be quick enough and they'll introduce drive-thru plastic surgery where they can liposuction fat from your butt and put it back in the shakes in less than three minutes.
You can just imagine the order; "I'll have the breast meal deal please. Could you upsize those and downsize my thighs? Oh, and while we're here, would you please see if you can turn my boyfriend's Junior Burger into a Big Mac?"
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