Sunday Roast - Sunday Telegraph
Sunday Magazine June 27 2004
SHINY DISCO BALLS
Good old-fashioned flying may never be the same again, says Wil Anderson, because the next time you fly, you may end up doing the YMCA high in the sky.
Move over Qantas, Virgin and Jetstar, it seems the battle for the Australian airways is to be joined by a new carrier specialising in parties, pizza nights, karaoke and dance-offs. Pretty much your average flight with Courtney Love.
But while many travellers have been excited by this news, I'm not so sure. With the amount of planes I've gone to catch that have been delayed, I think the airlines could learn a thing or two from the pizza delivery industry. For starters, if it's more than 30 minutes late, it should be free.
But despite this, I'm not sure I like the idea of a plane that doubles as a Nightclub Of The Sky. I know life jackets have glowing lights and a whsitle, but I didn't think that was in case a rave breaks out.
And I don't want to get to the front of the plane, hand over my boarding pass, only to have two bouncers say, "Nah, not in those shoes mate."
But I think the thing that would freak me out more than anything about a dance party airline would have to be the Captain's announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain peaking. If you want to see me taxi down the runway, let me hear you say 'ho!'
"Today, we'll be cruising at a height of 30,000 feet, unless of course, you've taken one of those lovely purple pills (complimentary in first class, but you'll have to pay for them in economy), in which case you'll be cruising at 50,000 feet.
"Sorry about the delay in take-off today. I was slightly distracted by a guy on the ground waving yellow paddles at me. Man, he was going off.
"Earlier, as we taxied along the white take-off line, air traffic control informed me today's flight time is estimated to be 13 hours. Since then, I've taxied along a white line of my own, and I reckon I can get us there in 30 minutes.
"If you care to look out the window right now, you'll notice the people on the ground are so small they appear like ants. Oh my God, they are ants, in fact I'm covered in ants, get them off me! (Whew, I probably should lay off those purple pills.)
"I also remind you to switch off your mobile phones as we have cricketer Shane Warne, soccer player David Beckham and St George rugby league player Mark Gasnier all sitting up in first class and it may interfere with their equipment.
"It's now time for our in-flight safety demonstration. If you need any assistance at all during the flight, please push the little button on your armrest, and a small glowing man will appear above your head. For those of you who have taken the purple pills, this should amuse you for hours.
"Please note your emergency exits are located here and here. And if you get lucky in the toilets during the flight, your ankles will be located here and here. (Remember what we say? If the 747's a rockin', don't come a knockin'.)
"Speaking of toilets, please note the restrooms have not been fitted with smoke detectors, but they have been fitted with smoke machines to give them that authentic nightclub feel.
"If cabin lights go out, a series of lights will lead you directly to the emergency exit. If these lights go out, please follow the swirling disco lights which will lead you around and around and around.
"In a moment, we will show you a short movie entitled Deep Vein Thrombosis, which is not a sequel to Debbie Does Dallas.
"Our in-flight entertainment will consist mostly of Bazza and Dazza getting drunk and singing a karaoke version of 'I Still Call Australia Home' which will be more entertaining than the crap Ben Affleck movies we used to show you.
"In case of unexpected turbulance, a bong will fall from the roof. This won't help, but it should at least chill you out. Please breath deeply yourself before passing it on to any backpackers next to you.
"In the unlikely case a crash landing is needed, please consult the card in the seat pocket in front of you for the emergency brace position. It also shows the 'Macarena', 'YMCA', 'Bus Stop', 'Lambada' and 'Mambo No 5, 6 and 7' for the dance contest later.
"We are about to serve our in-flight meal service. For tose of you who have taken the purple pills, I should point out the meals and drinks are meant to be miniature, and the cutlery is meant to be miniature. You have not turned into a giant.
"We are now about to commence our descent, so could all tray tables be returned to their upright position. For anyone who joined the Mile-high Club, could all flight attendants please be returned to their upright position.
"Please note your baggage will be available from a carousel on the ground floor at the completion of the flight. The rest of your baggage will be emotional, that should arrive about Tuesday.
"Once again, thankyou for flying with Nightclub Of The Skies. Remember, others may be cheaper and faster, but we fly the highest."
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