Sunday Roast - Sunday Telegraph
Sunday Magazine August 1 2004
TIT FOR TATT
Wil Anderson would really love to get a tattoo, just as long as there were no needles involved, and he wouldn't have to explain it to his grandkids in future years
A girl I used to know had a tattoo of a dolphin on her bum, which I thought was really sexy, until one day she put on a pair of fish-net stockings and suddenly she looked like a Japanese whaler.
Not that I have anything against tattoos. I admire anyone who is willing to put themselves through that much pain in the name of art. Sure Van Gogh cut off his ear, but that's nothing compared to the agony of getting a half-naked lady riding a unicorn inked on your inner thigh.
Recently, I've been thinking about suffering for the art myself, but I have a couple of reservations. Firstly, I'm a wimp. I'm terrified of needles. I'm the sort of guy who tends to freak out if a nanna knits too close to me on the bus.
The closest I have ever come to having body art is writing "Buy bread and milk" on my hand in pen and, even then, I could hear my mum's words ringing in my head that I'd die of ink poisoning.
Secondly, I'm worried that, while a tattoo might look great now, when I'm older and wider, that little dolphin on my butt might resemble something Greenpeace would roll back into the ocean.
The biggest issue is I'm not sure what style of tattoo would suit me. I think I can rule out a "tough guy" tattoo. You know the ones, those blokes who look so tough even their tattoos have tattoos.
These walking canvasses are mostly spotted hanging out at biker bars, operating the rides at local shows, or breaking your knees if you don't make the payments on your new couch - replete with beards that look like they have come straight off a ZZ Top video clip and teeth that look like they were designed by the druids who built Stonehenge.
These guys have so much body art, you think if you stare at them for long enough, you'll see a 3D pirate ship. You're not sure whether you are meant to be scared, or trying to find Wally.
Some of the really tough ones even have "love" and "hate" tattooed on their knuckles, although you get the impression for some of them "left" and "right" would be more useful.
There is only one establishment where you can get this style of tatt done, and I'm not sure I'm willing to steal a car or kill a guy in a bar fight just to get a cool tattoo. Plus, I'm the sort of guy who would get it done, then lose a finger in an accident and have to spend the rest of my life explaining to people why I have "love" and "hat" on my hands.
So if the tough-guy tatt is in tatters, the next choice is to get something symbolic, like Chinese or Japanese symbols that sum up something important in your life. But, in my case, I'm not sure there is a Japanese symbol for doughnuts.
Of course I could go the popular option of getting my partner's name tattooed on me, but this is risky. Remember Johnny Depp had to change his "Winona Forever" to Wino Forever when that relationship broke up. (Perhaps this is the reason J.Lo's bum is so big. She has to keep it that way to fit all the names of her previous husbands there.)
Even worse, Rod Stewart's daughter Kimberley had her boyfriend's name tattooed on her groin, and then he promptly dumped her.
Surely if you are going to get a tattoo on your groin, the safer option would be to get your own name tattooed, then at least if you have a lot of one-night stands, your partner would know what name to call out in the height of passion.
My girlfriend's name is Any. Although I hope we'll be together forever, I have the fear that if we ever did break up, the first time you got intimate with a new partner, it would be hard to explain an "Amy Forever" tattoo. "Oh, no, it's not another girl, I'm just a big fan of their comprehensive insurance policies. And a very bad speller."
David Beckham went the safer option and had his children's names tattooed on him. Perhaps if he also got Posh tattooed across his fingers, he might remember who his wife is next time he sends a text message.
Above all else, I think the main reason I haven't got a tattoo yet is I have such appalling fashion sense. You're looking at someone who once thought wearing a hyper-colour shirt with tight acid wash jeans was the height of pret a porter.
I'm scared skinless I'd get adorned with something I thought was incredibly groovy, but before the ink dried would be so out of fashion I'd need a visit from Queer Eye for the Tatt Guy.
So if I do take the plunge, you can guarantee I will have thought it through.
I don't want to be the old guy taking his shirt off in the nursing home to show his grandkids his tatts, just to hear them say, "So Grandpa... what does Bootylicious mean? And who's Winona?"
Wil Anderson is the host of The Brekkie Show on Triple J with Adam Spencer, as well as co-host of The Glass House on ABC TV
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