Sunday Roast - Sunday Telegraph Sunday Magazine May 2 2004
MAKE MINE A BECKS
Had sex with David Beckham? Shared a few texts with Becks? Clear those foggy memories, says Wil Anderson, say you've shagged the handsome one and make a packet... After all, everyone else is.
Ok, I admit it. I shagged David Beckham. I didn't think I had, but then I saw all the money available for sharing my recollections, and suddenly it all came flooding back to me. How could I have forgotten the texties so sexy they should have been charged at $4.95 per minute? The romantic way he said he wanted to put his balls in the back of my net, or the constnat messages demanding me naked covering myself in Pepsi.
I'll always remember the cute way after he scored with me, he'd pull his shirt over his head, and who can forget the hot night we set up the video camera and made a very special film "Bonk It Like Beckham."
Of course, I'd like to revela all the juicy details, but they don't pay me enough here, and my love for Becks was so special I feel to reveal it for anything less than a million dollars would just cheapen it.
The best thing to do is follow the example of Rebecca Loos and Sarah Marbeck and sell my story to The News of the World, so it can be taken seriously alongside all their other stories such as the "Woman Who Was Killed By Her Fur Coat", and an article about Paris Hilton and Millsy called "An Australian in Paris".
Rebecca Loo's allegations ran under the headline "Teh Story You Never Thought You'd Read", which I immediately assumed was about Russell Crowe not going back for seconds at an all-you-can-eat buffet or Demi Moore making a decent movie.
Ms Loos' apparently told her story after she was upset Becks was SMSing other people: "I thought I was special to David and the only girl in the world this devoted family man would stray for." Which is a bit like Robert Up-And-Downey Jr's dealer getting upset he was buying drugs behind his back.
Then there were claims by Aussie Sarah Marbeck (or as I like to all her, "I-charge-$1000-bucks-an-hour-but-I'm-not-a-lawyer-Spice" who slept with her phone by her bed for two years waiting for Becks to call. Now unless she had the phone switched to vibrate to keep her company, that seems a little long.
Don't get me wrong, I'm never quite sure when the right time to call is after a date. But I'm pretty sure if someone hasn't called in two years, that's not a case of treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen.
Personally my favourite part of all the allegations were the transcripts of the text messages and trying to work out what all the blanked out words were. It was like playing an X-rated version of Wheel of Fortune.
"Can I buy an O for orgasm please?"
One that had me stumped was the SMS that had three three-letter words blanked out in a row. I just couldn't think of any rude words that only had three letters unless Becks was saying "bum, tit, poo" which doesn't seem taht romantic.
You never see a Hallmark Valentine's Day Card that says "Roses are red, violets are blue. I'd like to say, bum, tit, poo!"
In another message, Loos' says she wanted Beckham to "*****" his "****". I'm guessing that same paper would refer to MC Hammer's hit song as "You Can't ***** This!" and the noise a rooster makes as "****-a-doodle-doo!"
But it's not just text messages. According to the ABC's World Today, there are also "audio recordings, which will further embarrass the couple" although they could just be referring to Posh's latest single.
A single which is about to hit the charts. Reports claim Posh has instructed her manager Simon Fuller to use the publicity to relaunch her music career. Come on, it was Becks who had the affair, why do we all have to suffer?
Although Beckham did cop it from his wife, too. Apparently, the first thing she did when she saw him was slap him across the face, which confirms something I have always suspected... she is a slapper.
Meanwhile the reaction to the scandal from the rest of the world has been interestign to say the least. None of Beckham's sponsors seem too worried. In fact, I can just imagine Vodafone's new campaign, "Vodafone, so easy to use, you can even operate it with one hand like Becks."
And strangely many women even seem to be on Beck's side. Usually the reaction when most girls I know hear about a man having an affair, they are livid, but with Beckham it has been more a reaction of: "Cool. Hope I'm next. Is there a list you have to sign up to, get a ticket in the lotto or do I have to take a number like at the deli?"
So anyway Editors Of The World, I have a story to tell of Sex With Becks and the bidding starts now. As an added incentive, if you buy in the next five minutes, I'll also throw in some of my other sexy celebrity texties for free.
I have these really saucy ones from a guy named Shane who wants me to dress up like a nurse while he lights a cigarette, pours wine all over himself, and ***** his ****. So come on, text me, text me now.
Wil Anderson is the esteemed host of The Brekkie Show on Triple J, as well as co-host on The Glass House on ABC TV. Read next week's column to see who deserves a good roasting
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