Sunday Roast - Sunday Telegraph Sunday Magazine May 9 2004
MUM'S THE WORD
They can drive you mad and all seem to have the same phrase book on parenting. But, says Wil Anderson, when all's said and done, there's nothing like wisdom from your mum.
Always wear clean undies in case you get hit by a bus". That was my Mum's favourite bit of advice when I was growing up. Not that I ever really understood the logic behind it. I'm sorry to disappoint you Mother dearest but I'm pretty sure the first thing I'll do if I ever get hit by a bus is crap myself.
But lack of logic was never enough to stop my Mum, every day she would spout new pearls of wisdom like she was one of the writers of Burgo's Catchphrase on acid.
"Stop sticking your tongue out, or the wind will change and your face will stay that way" was another one of her classics. Gee it must have been really windy at Michael Jackson's house.
Although, if you think about it, it's a really cheap way to stage your own Extreme Makeover; don't bother with all that pesky, pricey, painful plastic surgery, just pull a face and stand next to someone eating a big bowl of baked beans.
I still remember with horror another time being awoken at 6am on the first day of my school holidays by Mum standing over my bed shouting, "Wake up... you're missing the best part of the day!"
Of course I did get my revenge later that night when at about three o'clock in the morning I called Mum from the pub and slurred, "Wake up Mum... I'm at a party where there's free beer and I think I'm probably going to get a root, you're missing the best part of the day!"
One time I could always be guaranteed a barrage of cliches was in relation to my best mate Shep. Whenever I asked Mum if I could go bike-riding, swimming or to a party with Shep, I would always hear the exact same answer, "If Shep jumped off a bridge, would you?"
I was eventually so sick of this I was tempted to come home and ask Mum if Shep and I could go bungy jumping together, just to hear her say: "If Shep jumped off a.. oh..."
Friends also learned very quickly to close the dorr behind them when they visited the Anderson house, or be greeted by a chorus of: "Were you born in a tent?" An expression that never made much sense to me at all, because I was born in a hospital with automatic doors, so when I sailed through them, they shut by themselves.
However, the weirdest expressions always seemed to be related to food. "eat your crusts and your hair will go curly!" Guy Sebastian must have eaten a lot of crusts when he was a kid. But I'd hate to see parents who believe this one trying to explain puberty to their kids: "Well Timmy, it looks like your penis has been sneaking out in the middle of the night and making toast."
"Eat your carrots and you will be able to see in the dark." I was always assured this was true because rabbits ate carrots and they could see in the dark. But rabbits do lots of cool things, and I'm pretty sure I would have been more likely to eat my vegetables if the expression had been "eat your carrots and you'll be able to have sex 100 times a day." What's up Doc?
However, the most confusing was always, "Eat your vegetables, because there are children starving in Africa." I could never quite understand how me eating my vegetables helped them. If anything it felt like I was mocking them by being full and still continuing to eat. "Look Africa baby, I don't even want it... they are forcing me to eat!"
Without doubt the best parenting cliches were always reserved for punishment. My favourite was the spanking followed soon after by "you'll understnad why I'm doing this when you're older." The saddest thing of all is, Mum was right, I do understand. Little kids can be shits.
Even worse was when you were draped over the knee, and each word was punctuated by a smack as if it was a physical exclamation mark. "This (smack) is (smack) hurting (smack) me (smack) more (smack) than (smack) it's (smack) hurting (smack) you (smack)!"
Really, Mum? How exactly is it hurting you more than it's hurting me? Are you getting a bad case of child-beater's elbow, are you? Would you like me to get you an ice-pack?
Of course, I really knew I was in trouble when Mum brought out the big guns. "William James Anderson... I was in labour for 36 hours to have you." Which is true, but it's not like it was my fault. It's not like I wanted to stay in there and had the place renovated by the cast of Changing Wombs.
But if I thought my Mum had some interesting things to say when I was growing up I can just imagine what she was screaming in the stirrups after 36 long hours: "come on Wil, just get out, you're missing the best part of the day!"
Happy Mother's Day, Chris.
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