Sunday Roast - Sunday Telegraph
Sunday Magazine May 23 2004
IT'S NO JOKE. PERIOD.
Forget what TV advertising would have us believe. If men had to deal with "that time of the month", says Wil Anderson, there'd be not a volleyball, a horse or a beach in sight
Is it just me, or is every single tampon ad exactly the same? They all seem to start with some lame opening shot of beautifully clear blue water, and then pan to an impossibly perky girl standing ankle deep in sand saying: "Oh, my god, I've got my period. Do you know what I feel like doing? I want to grab my volleyball, put on a floral dress, and ride a pony on the beach."
Because that's exactly what happens, isn't it? Yeah, right. And Big Kev has just been announced 2004 Weight Watchers Man of the Year.
Talk about truth in advertising. These ads are not based in the real world. If they were, instead of standing on the beach playing volleyball, the girl would be more likely found sitting on a couch, watching The Bold and the Beautiful and saying: "Oh, my God, I've got my period. Do you know what I feel like doing? I want to grab my hot water bottle, put on my trackie daks, eat a block of fruit n' nut chocolate, and blame my boyfriend for every bad thing in the entire world, ever."
And not without reason. Let's face it, women have every right to be pissed off because, in general, when it comes to the topic of menstruation, most Aussie blokes are about as hopeless as Toni Pearen trying to win $100 by spelling her own name correctly on Celebrity Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
I once had a male friend of mine say to me without a trace of irony, "Dude, I don't know what her problem is. All I did was go out to a strip club with my mates for a couple of quiet beers, and admittedly, I missed our anniversary dinner but I got her a card, and now she's all pissed off... she must have her period!"
But should we really be surprised Australian men are hopeless when it comes to understanding the female reproductive system? Remember, we do live in a country where even the former federal health minister once compared women menstrating with men shaving. Oh yes, they're exactly the same thing... if you're Norman Gunston.
But if we were trying to put together an edition of Periods For Dummies, it's fair to say you learn as much about menstruation from tampon ads as you learn about farming from watching McLeod's Daughters. For starters, according to the ads, menstrual blood is blue.
Now, I'm no Mr Anatomy, but I did watch a couple of episodes of Doogie Howser, MD when I was young and, unless the chick you're dating is actually Lady Smurf, then I'm pretty sure this is not actually the case. Where does the concept of the blue liquid come from? Sure, I once heard the Queen being referred to as a blue blood, but when they were making the latest Tampax ad I'm not sure they were inspired by the Vag of Her Maj.
The only time real blood is used in a sanitary napkin ad as far as I can work out is in a scene where it is the blood of a murder victim. Yep, homicide blood is OK but, perfectly natural menstrual blood, well, we couldn't show that. That would be offensive.
I think the world would be a very different place if men got their periods instead of women. For starters, I can almost guarantee there would be no GST on tampons. In fact tampons would probably come free with slabs of beer, and you would be able to get them in your favourite footy team's colours.
Men wouldn't be interested in all the fancy slim pads, either. For them, it's the bigger the better. Blokes would probably just kill a sheep and shove that down the front of their undies. And pads wouldn't have wings, they'd come with racing stripes, mag wheels, cup holders and the string would be attached to some fluffy dice.
If men menstruated, Libra Fleur's would be renamed Libra Barry's and Carefree would be known as No Worries Mate. Tampons would still come in a discreet cigarette packet, but like smokes, they would also have to come with warnings: "Warning, this tampon may damage your health. Especially when after 10 beers tonight you are so pissed you think it is a cigarette and try and smoke it!"
Admittedly, men menstruating would mean the end to some traditions, like Test Match criket would have to stop being played in all white. On the positive side, I think girls would enjoy being able to reverse the sexism and say, "Did you hear that George W Bush just decided to attack Iraq and capture Saddam Hussein... wow, he must have his period!"
But above all else, the one thing that would really be better would be the TV ads. If men menstruated, instead of floral dresses, volleyball and ponies, there would just be some cranky old bloke, dressed in nothing but a blue singlet, stubbie shorts and thongs, and as a bead of hard earned sweat dribbled down his forehead he would stare down the barrel of the camera, spit and say, "G'day... ya period, you can get it milkin' a cow, matter of fact, I got it now!"
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