Sunday Roast - Sunday Telegraph
Sunday Magazine June 6 2004
SHE'LL BE JUST APPLES
What were actress Gwyneth Paltrow and her singer hubby thinking when they named their new daughter after a common fruit? Wil Anderson has a few ap-pealing theories
And the Oscar for worst-named child goes to... Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, for their baby Apple. That's right, Apple Martin. Sounds like they were pissed and misspelled a cocktail name, doesn't it? What are they going to call their next child? Victoria Bitter? "Hi, I'd like to introduce you to our son, Long-Slow-Comfortable-Screw-Up-Against-A-Wall Paltrow-Martin."
So why Apple? Did she have worms? Does she have a granny called Smith? Was she born with a little sticker on her head? Was it because they washed her and then dried her, or was she just so damned cute they wanted to eat her up?
Maybe they chose the moniker because when Martin first saw her he got a lump in his throat, or maybe she just seemed to keep the doctors away? Perhaps when Chris got Gwynnie preggers he thought he had planted the wrong seed? Or possibly they just wanted to see the newspaper headline "Women Gives Birth to Apple".
One prominent theory doing the rounds claimed the name is a tribute to Gwyneth's home town of New York (The Big Apple), which means the baby is probably very lucky Gwynnie doesn't hail from Rooty Hill or Pakenham Upper.
Naming your child after a city has long been a celebrity favourite. West Indies cricket great Brian Lara famously named his baby girl Sydney after he scored a double-century at the SCG. I guess she's pretty lucky he wasn't playing in Lahore.
Then there's Posh and Becks who named their child Brooklyn after the place he was conceived. Of course, since Beckham started letting his fingers do the porking, I guess the kid should be grateful it got a name like Brooklyn instead of Vodafone or STD.
I'm glad my parents didn't go with the place-of-conception option. I'm not sure if American Express would let me put In-The-Back-Of-A-Ute-After-A-B-&-S-Ball Anderson on my credit card.
One rumour suggested Apple was named after a line in a Coldplay song, but if that's the case surely they would have gone with something "Yellow", like their single. Although, I guess Lemon would probably cause more problems than it'd solve.
One Apple source even suggested she was named after Apple Computers, which I think is very cruel, because if this is true she'll go to school and not be compatible with any of the other children.
Not that her parents have done her any favours, for as well as almost guaranteeing she'll never marry Johnny Rotten, or anyone with the surname Macintosh, Chris and Gwyn have signed young Apple up for a lifetime of teasing via lame puns.
Let's face it, her nickname will always be "muffin". Teenage boys will "pine" for her and constantly be trying to get her to "turnover". And in maths she'll always be the first one asked to define "pi". (Ah yes, I know, it's pun-demonium.)
In fact, with all the teasing she'll get she'll be lucky not to "crumble", end up a "fruitcake". (Yes, I'm here all week, try the fish.) Although, on the upside, with a name like Apple she'll make her teachers happy just by coming to class each day.
Of course Chris and Gwyneth aren't the only celebrity parents to burden their children with stupid names. For a while there it seemed like the Geldofs and Zappas were just naming their kids by pulling random letters out of a Scrabble bag. How's Fifi Trixibelle, Peaches and Pixie Geldof? Or Diva, Moon Unit, Dweezil and Ahmet Zappa?
Naked chef Jamie Oliver must have been cooking up a recipe for mull cake when he named his daughters Daisy Boo and Poppy Honey. I'm starting to think those long white lines on his kitchen table might not be salt. Sure they might be cute names now, but it does make it a little harder for them when they grow up and want to be taken seriously. Who wants to get on a plane and hear, "Hi, this is your captain Daisy Boo speaking."
Meanwhile singer Toni Braxton has two kids, Diezel Ky and Denim Cole, which I guess has to do with genes. Christie Brinkley's daughter will have to put up with a lifetime of "hello Sailor". And John Travolta's kid Jett (is this another case of where the baby was conceived?) will hope his dad's connection with Qantas doesn't mean he has to change his name to Jetstar.
Rachel Griffith's son Banjo must have been conceived after a particularly good pluck, Billy Ray Cyrus' kid should "Achy Breaky" his face for burdening her with Destiny Hope, and don't even get me started on Northern Exposure's Rob Morrow who called his daughter Tu.
As for Gwyneth and Chris' latest release, I guess the name Apple does have some ap-peal. And let's face it, with a surname like Martin, it could have been a whole lot worse, Baby Apple could have been burdened with Aston, Remy, Ricky or, God forbid, Ray. So she'll be apples, mate.
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