Sunday Roast - Sunday Telegraph
Sunday Magazine June 20 2004
IT'S YOUR GAY-B-C
Lesbian mums on Play School, Bert and Ernie shacking up on Sesame Street, two fruits hanging out in their PJs. Yes, says Wil Anderson, everyone's having a gay old time on children's telly.
If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands, if you're gay and you know, put your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care. Yes, that's right, Play School has become Gay School. Turns out when they said there was "a bear in there and a chair as well", the bear they were talking about was a large, hairy gay man and the chair was a poufe.
The "people with games" were playing nude tunnel ball, and the "stories to tell" all started with "Dear Penthouse Forum, I always thought your letters were made up until...".
What's next, Perve School? Will you replace Through the Windows, with Out of the Closet? Will we find out that Henny Penny actually used to be Lenny Penny? Will it be revealed that Big Ted is actually Little Ted's bitch?
Will you be using the craft segment to show the kids how to construct their very own Mardi Gras float using nothing but cardboard, toilet rolls and pipe-cleaners?
Or will there be a new Play School segment called "There's Something About Jemima"? I always thought it was a bit weird she wore overalls all the time when I never saw her working on a car, and then there was the excursion to the k.d.lang concert...
Thank God for sensible, open-minded politicians like John Howard, John Anderson and Larry Anthony who condemned Play School for the story of Brenna and her two mummies. I agree, the last thing we need to be teaching our kids is respect and tolerance for diversity, it's un-Australian.
But why stop there boys? There's plenty more witches to hunt. What about Ernie and Bert who turned Sesame Street into Oxford Street, Noddy and Big Ears who lived in Adult Toy Town, Tinky Winky who looked like he was auditioning for a role in Tellytubby Eye For the Straight Guy, and of course, that controversial lesbian episode of High Five? (OK, so that one might just be a fantasy of mine.)
Not to mention that all the Wiggles are self-confessed Friends Of Dorothy The Dinosaur and with a name like Captain Feathersword, you can be pretty sure the only thing he will be captaining will be a float at next year's Mardi Gras. (Which he made himself using nothing but cardboard, egg cartons and pipe-cleaners.)
But Larry Anthony is right, it's the Gay-B-C that are the worst offenders. Not only do they pollute our screens with Gay School, but they are also the home of the Bananas In Pyjamas.
What sort of example is it to our impressionable youth to have two fruits living together and hanging around in their pyjamas all day? Not to mention that with all the "coming down the stairs", they are going to struggle to get their bond back.
Yes, John Anderson, we do have to do something about their "lifestyle choice". I'm with you, it's time B1 and B2 split, stopped Banana lounging around, put on some decent clothes and got a job.
It's not just perverted sexual messages our kids are being brainwashed with. There’s also the rampant drug use in children’s TV: High Five (need I say more?), Bill and Ben the flower-pot-men were constantly stoned and I saw an episode of Sesame Street the other day brought to you by the letter "e".
Then there's Roger Ramjet popping his "proton pills", Shaggy who is constantly talking to his dog "Scooby", and the Swedish Chef from The Muppets who is so stoned he can't even talk properly and is constantly cooking because he has the munchies.
Do I even need to mention Mr Squiggle, who arrived in a giant bong, thought everything was upside down and was constantly going on his "space walks". With his drugged up mate Bill Steam-Shovel, who smoked so much he now talks through a hole in his neck, and we all know why Blackboard was so grumpy because he was coming down from a big weekend. Huh-double-huh.
But that's not all. Kids TV is riddled with lies, deceit and confusing messages. For starters, Humphrey is constantly hanging around kids with no pants on; I'm not sure Bob The Builder is actually a real builder, not once have I ever seen him wolf whistle at a passing girl or expose his butt crack; those lips from the Mulligrubs have certainly had some collagen injections in them; and don't even get me started on Tickle-Me-Elmo. I don't know why that little perve wants to be tickled all the time, but I say let's leave Touch-Me-Up Elmo to hang out with footy players and keep him away from the kiddies.
I'm with the pollies, there should be an enquiry into Play School and the ABC. Maybe that way we can at least finally find out what Humpty Dumpty was actually doing hanging out at the Wall. Did he actually fall, or was he just pissed on Egg Nog? And exactly what was he doing with all the King's Horses, and all the King's Men?
Wil Anderson is the host of The Brekkie Showon Triple J with Adam Spencer, as well as co-host of The Glass House on ABC TV
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