Sunday Roast - Sunday Telegraph
Sunday Magazine August 29 2004
TAKE IT ALL OFF
Nearly naked photo shoots have become de riguer for some of our athletes. So why not go that tiny step further and bring on the nude Olympics, asks Wil Anderson.
As the Games of the XXVIII Olympiad in Athens finally draw to a close, and people go back to their regular routine of completely ignoring Channel Seven, I feel it's time to pose the big question all the commentators have been afraid to ask: what is the deal with professional athletes feeling the need to get nude in public?
You see, despite Thorpey coming home with so much bling-bling he should change his name to Snoop Thorpey-Thorpe, and all the Jana-Drama, my lasting image of the Games is still the picture of Australian swimmer Michael Klim naked in Black + White magazine with a pile of fish on his groin. (What it didn't reveal was Klim had actually caught all the fish himself, using nothing but what God gave him - and a strategically placed piercing.)
Holy mackerel, Superfish! What was he thinking? I mean I'd heard of someone having a case of crabs, but when you've got cod around the cods it's time to see a doctor or perhaps a vet. Although it does explain why John West keeps rejecting that fish.
Sure, occasionally on The Sopranos I hear them talk about someone who "sleeps with the fishes" but when you have to spend all your time trying to stop Rex Hunt from planting a big wet kiss on your privates, you’ve probably gone too far.
But it's not just Michael downing the togs, it seems athletes from all sports love nothing more than getting out of the fast-skin suit and back into their fast skin, and that why I'm proposing that from this day onwards, the Olympic Games returns to its original tradition of competing naked.
Think about the benefits. For starters, we'd never again have to put up with the embarrassing sight of Australian athletes dressed in uniforms that make them look like they mugged Big Kev and Dr Karl on the way to the Opening Ceremony.
Jana's knee would suddenly be the least fascinating part of her body, and think how interesting the post-race speeches would be as athletes thanked God, their coach, their physio and their bikini waxer.
A nude Olympics would also make it a lot easier to spot the athletes who were using performance enhancing drugs. The finals of the swimming would look like a new reality TV show called There's Something About the Chinese Women!
Although, on the downside, with freestyle replaced by free-balling, drug testing officials might find most urine samples end up left in lanes 3, 4 and 5. And if the size'of Thorpey's feet has any correlation to the rest of his body when he "tumbles" the entire nation might "turn".
A bit of sex would also get crowds back to minor sports. Imagine how fascinating the synchronized swimming would be if even the nipples were in sync; and if you could see our rowers peaches and mangos, I'm sure plenty of women would like to have an awesome foursome with the Oarsome Foursome. Plus, we'd know for certain if the women's coxless pairs lived up to their name.
I admit, though, there would be a few downsides to the Naked Games: cyclists would have to be very cautious about keeping dangly bits away from spokes; shooters would have to be careful who they yelled "pull" around; and I'd just avoid the weight-lifting and table-tennis players from Bangkok, altogether.
The ground announcers would probably have to stop asking everyone to rise for the national anthem; the Greco Roman wrestling would definitely be shown late at night on SBS; and forget the pike position, all the divers would be in the tuck position to avoid extra splash.
Relay runners would have to make sure what they grabbed was really a baton; you'd have to be extremely careful when jogging with the Olympic torch; and there is a danger it would lead to further drug use as athletes popped Viagra to try and cross the line first. It would also be quite painful for high profile athletes who, in order to please sponsors, would have to get "Uncle" tattooed on one butt cheek and "Toby" on the other, and don't even ask about the Nike swoosh.
To some, the Nude Olympics might seem like a silly idea, but in a world where the back pages of the papers are dominated with drugs, scandals and sponsorship deals (and that's just an average week for Warnie), people are becoming increasingly cynical about professional sport.
Having a Games where the Olympic rings are on full display might be exactly what the sport needs. After all, it was the creator of the modem games, Baron Pierre de Coubertin, who said: "The important thing in the Olympic Games is not g, but taking part' and let's face it being nude is one of the one times in life when it's good not to come first.
Wil Anderson is the host of The Brekkie Showon Triple J with Adam Spencer, as well as co-host of The Glass House on ABC TV
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