We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Louisiana.
If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do
to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.''
Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple
three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1.
Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three
days.
STEP 2.
Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3.
Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Louisiana.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this
insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two
basic requirements:
Unfortunately, if your home is located in South Louisiana, or any other
area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies
would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they
might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they
got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to
scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an
annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At
any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since
Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance
companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance
Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium,
Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS:
Plywood shutters:
Sheet-metal shutters:
Roll-down shutters:
"Hurricane-proof'' windows:
"Hurricane Proofing Your Property":
EVACUATION ROUTE:
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what
the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg.
(This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask
anybody who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be
irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can
buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth. Of course these
are just basic precautions.
As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep
abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV
reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you
over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away
from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Nebraska!
|