By the looks of things, this is something that a lot of wrestling fans have been in need of for a long, long time. Judging by the reactions from the Canadian fans this past Sunday to Shawn Michaels and Earl Hebner, and the fact that Earl Hebner STILL gets "You screwed Bret" chants in all parts of the Earth, it's pretty apparent in my eyes that a lot of fans need a lot of help. The Montreal Screwjob thing has become more than just a hot wrestling topic; it's become a sickness. A recurring sickness, which afflicts multitudes of Canadian wrestling fans everytime WWE does a live show in Canada (which, sad to say, has been more frequently than ever in the past two years). It also affects wrestling fans of other nationalities, but to a much lesser extent. However, it is a sickness that be cured! And so, I present to you...
THE BRUTALLY HONEST 12-STEP PROGRAM FOR RECOVERING FROM SCREWJOB SYNDROME
Step 1: Read this date very carefully: November 9, 1997. Repeat this date until you have it completely memorized.
Step 2: Go find the nearest calendar. Find whatever day it currently is on this calendar; make especially sure to look at what year it is.
Step 3: Say to yourself, "Holy SHIT! I'm marking out over something that happened SEVEN YEARS AGO. I'm a disgrace, a stain on the face of the earth."
Step 4: If you are Canadian, take the time to realize (and this might take awhile) that just because Bret Hart is from the same country as you, does not mean that you absolutely "have" to concur that he was "screwed", nor do you have to deride/jeer every single person involved with said screwjob. I am an American, but that doesn't mean that I would immediately jump on the back of everybody involved with the screwjob of an American wrestler, unless it was one of my favorites. And I highly doubt that Bret is every Canadian's favorite simply because he had decent matches and he's Canadian. Why exactly DO Canadians mark out for Bret so much? I'm a lifelong wrestling fan and just never understood what was so special about this guy. Great technical wrestler, sure, but he definitely didn't light up the ring like, say Shawn Michaels, or even Steve Austin. And his promos sucked ass, too (nothing like listening to the Hitman croon to American fans that Canadian beer tastes "butter"). I'm also willing to bet that half you losers chanting "You screwed Bret" weren't even watching wrestling back in 1997. You just chant it because it's "cool".
Step 5:Stop blaming Vince McMahon for "making" you relive the screwjob and "forcing" you to chant things relating to it simply because he has the event mentioned a few times throughout the show. Few things make my eyes roll more than when somebody says that Vince "orchestrated" the fans into relentlessly booing, in this case, Shawn Michaels at Backlash. How'd he do that? Mind control? Did he paste a giant message on the Titan Tron before the PPV kicked off saying that every Canadian in the arena MUST boo HBK in the main event because of what happened SEVEN YEARS AGO? Come on people. Shawn's been one of TWO faces in this entire three-way feud between him, Triple H, and Benoit. You send him up to Canada, and he suddenly gets bigger heat than the heel of the feud simply because of an event that happened in 1997? Vince "made" that happen? Did Vince also plant the signs during the Montreal Raw last summer that said "I STILL HAVEN'T GOTTEN OVER 1997" and "BRET HART IS GOD" too? Hell NO he didn't. Some doofus brought those signs, and those signs are a reflection of 90% of Canadian fans and 99% of Bret Hart fans. What you all need to realize is that Vince KNOWS that people haven't gotten over it, so he's milking it and playing it up while he still can. You're reacting to it because you obviously still feel some sort of passion for it. If you didn't, you just plain wouldn't react whenever it's mentioned. When I'm at a live show, I don't react to things that don't interest me. I don't chant things I don't mean. I don't boo or cheer for somebody that I wouldn't normally boo or cheer. If you're at a show chanting something about the screwjob, it's because you still obviously care enough about it to do so. And that's sad.
Step 6: Watch the reaction on Shawn Michaels's face to being jeered at about the screwjob and his part in "screwing" Bret. He's not "uncomfortable" like some nitwit said. He's not intimidated. He's not scared. What he is, is AMUSED. You can tell that HBK finds a lot of humor in the fact that these morons still get so riled up about this crap. And doubtless another part of him probably feels pity for them, for the same reason. Screwjob fanatics are lucky that Shawn is such a changed man; if this was the Shawn of 1997 they were chanting "You screwed Bret" to, he'd probably fire back with, "Get over it, asshole", which is what I intend to say at the next live show I go to where some smark is chanting that at Hebner, Shawn, or whoever.
Step 7: Do some homework on the screwjob. Read about how Bret Hart refused to job the title to HBK in Montreal (one, because it was to Shawn, and two, because it was in CANADA) and "promised" to FORFEIT the belt the next night on Raw instead, expecting Vince to trust the words of a man leaving the company when, if you saw the Monday Night Wars DVD, you know Vince has been betrayed before by people whom he's trusted with verbal contracts. Maybe what Vince did was deceiptful, but he did it because he believed he had no choice- in other words, yes: Bret really DID screw Bret. If screwjob smarks would understand this simple concept, all the controversy over this would end pretty fast.
Step 8: Never watch Wrestling With Shadows to use as an "objective" source on this topic. The whole thing was filmed from a rah-rah Bret standpoint, of course it's going to demonize Vince, Shawn, Hunter, Hebner, Patterson, et al. In fact, to avoid being completely brainwashed on this subject, just avoid this mockumentary altogether. It'll help you put Montreal in the past much easier.
Step 9: Look at the calendar one more time. You've gotta admit this seven years' thing is pretty damn pathetic.
Step 10: Go to a live WWE event. Force yourself to yell "I LOVE YOU EARL" when Hebner comes out to ref a match. If you manage to meet him in the parking lot, give him a hug.
Step 11: Refuse to allow yourself to chant "YOU SCREWED BRET" at any live WWE show you go to, for a whole year. It's like smoking; if you want to quit, you have to make yourself drop the habit through sheer willpower. If it comes down to it, go to a show with a friend and affix a shock collar to yourself and give your friend the control; if you accidentally make the chant, have your friend give you a nice zap as a warning.
Step 12: Print this editorial out, and read it five times daily. Read it at breakfast, at work, on the toilet, at dinner, and before you go to bed. Read it until it is infused into your mind and you can repeat any given part of it at will, like a sutra. Until you are fully recovered from Screwjob Syndrome, it is necessary for you to have the 12-step recovery program on hand for immediate reference.
Congratulations! You're on your way to a total recovery. In due time, you will no longer be a complete, blathering, mindless, obsessive, stuck-in-a-timewarp moron. Pat yourself on the back, and be proud that you've gotten over something that you should've gotten over a week after it actually happened.
Forget Japanese and history, I should major in psychiatry.