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Joanie Laurer = Scumbag

I've been wanting to write a scathing rant about Joanie Laurer for a long time, but always decided against it, namely 'cause she's no longer an active wrestler- unless you count how she's used as a freak-attraction in Japan every now and then. But now... the time has come.

I used to like Joanie. I really, really did. From the time she came into the WWF in early 1997 as Hunter's bodyguard "Chyna", up until about late 1999, I was a huge fan of her. Her connection with Hunter had nothing to do with it- I just loved the concept of a quiet, menacing woman throwing male wrestlers around like ragdolls. I used to love watching her bodyslam guys like Flash Funk outside the ring, and plaster Ken Shamrock, Owen, Austin, whoever. In her bodyguard role with Hunter and later, with Degeneration X, she was perfect.

But somewhere along the way, things went terribly wrong.

Eventually Joanie/Chyna went off on her own and began wrestling- both male and female opponents. The only problem though was that none of the bigger-name guys wanted to take a "step down" and wrestle her, and she didn't think it would "look right" to lose to the other, smaller women. In an absolutely abysmal feud, she totally demolished Lita after several weeks of condescending to her in promos and on TV, much in the way that an adult coddles a small child. She became the first female Intercontinental Champion by beating Jeff Jarrett in a (horrible) match with a stipulation that household objects, like brooms, cookie sheets, flour, a kitchen sink, and other assorted crap, could be used. And then, slowly but surely, more and more each week you could see Joanie begin to noticeably change (and no, I'm not referring to her ever-increasing breast size).

I initially had no problem when she posed for Playboy. To me, if that's what somebody wants to do, fine. But, following the course of Sable, who had previously posed for the magazine, Joanie's head began to inflate. You could just see it on TV. She wasn't the same person, at all. In interviews in magazines and on the internet she came across as increasingly arrogant, and at one point blasted Trish Stratus as somebody who had been brought in only "for her looks"- though of course, you can argue that the same was true for Joanie herself. And in Trish's defense, while it may have been true at the time, no woman on the WWE roster today has worked harder to improve in the ring than she has; I'm not even a fan of Trish and I can admit that she is ten times better than Joanie ever was. Joanie would also comment on how the other guys were "afraid" to wrestle her because it would make them look bad- hell, if you ever watched her matches and saw how sloppy her moves were (and how few there were of them), you wouldn't have wanted to face her either.

Then, life suddenly went to hell in a handbasket for Joanie when she began having problems with her then-boyfriend, Triple H, and they eventually parted ways and he began dating Stephanie McMahon. This incident is to Joanie Laurer what Montreal is to Bret Hart; years later, she continues to bitch and moan about it. Soon after the relationship ended, Joanie left WWE- claiming that they weren't offering her enough money (i.e. they wanted to renew her contract at what she was already making), when truthfully all she was doing by that time was coming out every week, shooting off a firework gun for a cheap pop, doing some lame segment as Eddie Guerrero's "Mamacita", and basically driving people into changing the channel or leaving the room to make a sandwich.

Around late 2000/early 2001, Joanie's infamous autobiography, "If They Only Knew", hit the shelves. At this point I wasn't nearly as big a fan of her's as I had been before, but I still bought it. I can safely say it's far and away the worst WWE bio to be released to date. Complete with language that would make Howard Stern blush, Joanie's biography should've come with a warning label for all people under the age of about 80 just due to the type of content and the amount of vulgarity contained within. I'm mortified at the thought that any young kid that's a fan of her's actually read that thing. The book itself was poorly written and disjointed- the complete and utter lack of any chronological order whatsoever often left me wondering what year the events taking place occurred in (more the ghostwriter's fault than her own, but she had just as much input with her book as any other WWE star has had)- and, worst of all, she pretty much ripped apart (or at least made fun of) every single person who's ever figured into her life in even the smallest way, from her past ex-boyfriends to fellow wrestlers to her wrestling trainer (Killer Kowalski) to just about every member of her family. It was like reading the National Enquirer. She came off as very bitter and unappreciative- in other words, much like she does today.

Ever since Joanie's departure from WWE, she has been in the midst of a perpetual identity crisis. She has no idea what the hell she wants to do. First she made frequent appearances at monster truck rallies throughout the US (insert snickering). She's moved to Hollywood, hoping to be a big actress- but apparently Hollywood isn't knocking for manly-women, as she couldn't even get the role of the female killer in Terminator 3. So Joanie decided to take up singing. Singing. If you've ever heard the woman talk, you're cringing just reading that sentence. Joanie then formed a band dubbed the "Chynna Dolls" (an extra "n" = mega creativity) and then proceeded to perform throughout California, drawing a whopping 40 people in a building which seats 1,500- and by the third song there were 15 remaining. I am not lying. I wish I was (kinda).

Joanie's other hobby, when not performing horrid music (I've heard one of the songs- positively ghastly) is to go on radio shows and bitch and moan about WWE (because we all know there's nothing like bashing the company that made you wealthy), Triple H, and Stephanie McMahon, calling them "chumps" and "immoral", referring to Hunter as "Triple Ass", and calling her now OTHER ex-boyfriend Sean "X-Pac" Waltman a "druggie". Now, to me this is just downright classless. Everybody knows that Sean Waltman has had drug problems before and still does; he recently stated on his website that he is in rehab again for said problems. Guess who paid for the rehab though? It was the "immoral" Triple H, and Vince McMahon, from their own pockets- not the wonderful, saintly Joanie Laurer (whom Waltman admits to still being in love with). Joanie also announced recently on Howard Stern that she and Waltman, before their split, made a sex tape *GAG* that she wants to market- one step away from flat-out PORN- yet remember, it is not she, but Hunter and Stephanie, who are "immoral". Wow.

Over the past few years, I've totally lost any remaining shreds of respect I still had for Joanie Laurer. As far as I'm concerned, she's a certified scumbag.

Sarahhh63@yahoo.com

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