Among the most inane topics of discussion in the "Internet Wrestling Community" is ratings. For those who don’t know, in a discussion of professional wrestling, ratings are those little point-five’s and point-twos that smarks use to “justify” whatever garbage or agenda they happen to be spewing for that moment of time.
Sometimes a rating will be manipulated to tear down a wrestler (see Triple H) or in other cases fellate them (see Benoit and Angle). Suddenly, every “fan” in the world has become some sort of census super demographic analyst and (or) MIND READER. Particularly annoying is how every rating, good OR bad correlates to the internet's favorite whipping boy, Triple H.
So here now, is the unadulterated "Raw Rules for Ratings" or Triple R as I will call them, clearly modeled after the “ratings killer” himself, Triple H:
1. The Rule of the first quarter-hour
A. If ratings ARE UP in the first fifteen minutes of Raw and Hunter IS ON, it is null and void because obviously people were interested in watching the credits of CSI: Miami.
B. If the ratings ARE DOWN in the first fifteen minutes and Hunter IS ON it is because everyone expected Hunter (who is banging the boss’s daughter) to be cutting a “twenty minute promo” and promptly decided to take a dump.
C. If the ratings ARE DOWN in the first fifteen minutes and CHRIS BENOIT is on, it is because everyone expected Hunter (who is banging the boss’s daughter) to be cutting a “twenty minute promo” and promptly decided to take a dump.
2. The Rule of “The Benoit” (Benoit MUST be referred in the 3rd person AT ALL TIMES because nothing is more appropriate for His Almightiness)
A. If Hunter is involved in a segment with **The Benoit** and the ratings ARE UP all credit for the good rating is due to His Greatness because…just because. (Note: ** indicates insert Chris Jericho, Christian, Kurt Angle, RVD, Paul London and anyone from ECW, TNA or Independent promotion)
3. The Rule of the “Overrun”
1.If ratings are up in the overrun and Hunter is involved, it doesn’t matter because:
A.The overrun is ALWAYS the highest rated segment
B.People were more interested in the Joe Schmoe and or Most Xtreme Elimination Challenge and changed the channel early
C.Hunter is usually with Ric and God (and by God I mean The Benoit) knows Hunter is leaching off of Ric’s heat
2. If the ratings are up in the overrun and Hunter is involved with another unpopular wrestler (insert Randy Orton) it means that:
A.It is simply a fluke
B.People were expecting **His** big break into the main event
C.Fans at home had fallen asleep watching Hunter and FORGOT to change the channel because obviously HHH has NO FANS and no one would ever WILLINGLY watch him on tv. (corollary: unless held at gunpoint or is a prisoner of war)
4. The “Don’t Mention It” Rule
If Hunter cuts a promo saying he’s leaving Raw and the ratings go down in the very next hour FORGET THIS EVER HAPPENED.
Note: This also applies to matches. I.e.
If Hunter has a good match, IT NEVER HAPPENED.
If Hunter cut a good promo, IT NEVER HAPPENED.
5. The “He was carried” Rule.
If Hunter has a good match with The Benoit (or anyone), it is because he was CARRIED.
6. The Long Locks Law
Anyone who previously had long hair who has now cut it, only did so under threats that he will lose his job by Triple H because Triple H can only have long blonde hair.
7. The Respect for Working Through Injuries EXEPTION Rule
This rules states that any wrestler EXCEPT Triple H deserves respect for working through injuries.
8. The "All Rumors must have to do with Triple H" Rule
This rule states that all rumors must all originate from Triple H.
Example: A married wrestler has cheated on his wife. Must be Triple H.
Example 2: Dawn Marie is knocked up. That was Trips too.
9. The ‘Throwing the smarks off the scent" Rule.
This rule states that if Hunter LOSES CLEANLY to someone, it is because he wants to FOOL the Internet into liking him.
10. The "He has no choice" Rule.
This rule states that when Hunter does something positive ie is nice to fans, does charity work, it is not because he is a good person, but because he is ‘management’ and only protecting his interests.
11. The ‘Non-objective Objective’ Rule
This rule states that since the ‘Triple H debate’ has waged for over three years, whenever someone comments on Triple H, it must be pre-supposed with an extremely FAKE “I respect Triple H, BUT”…other variations include: “I love Triple H, BUT…”, “I respect all of Triple H’s accomplishments, BUT”…
Example: I respect Triple, BUT he should retire now
Example 2: Triple H is the man, BUT he should stop holding down all the talents
Example 3: I would NEVER wish injury upon a wrestler BUT if Hunter tore his quad again, it would save wrestling
12. The take the “12 year olds” comment OUT OF CONTEXT Rule
This rule states that Internet fans are allowed to openly SLANDER Triple H because he commented that smarks act like 12 year olds. This comment means that he HATES ALL FANS and thus you should HATE HIM.
13. The “Fast Forward” Law
This law states that whenever posting or writing about Hunter on the internet, you must FIRST state that you fast forwarded through EVERY Hunter segment. Following this proclamation, 75% of your discussion is about Triple H.
14. Back-handed compliment law.
This law states that whenever you compliment Hunter in writing, you must follow up the compliment with a , “but what do I know, I was drunk last night.”
15. The Jealousy Rule
If Hunter does anything that another wrestler has done in the past ie movies or writes a book, it is not because he wants to promote the company or wrestling itself, it is because he is jealous of another wrestler ie Rock and Foley.
16. The "It’s easier to be a heel" Rule
This rule states that Hunter is afraid to turn face because he knows he’ll be booed out of every arena if face and his weaknesses will be showcased (regardless of his DX days or feud with Kurt Angle). This rule also states that people just hate him naturally—all his heat is legit a la X Pac.
17. The Rule of Revisionism
This rule states that all comments about Hunter being the “Greatest wrestler of all time” (circa 1999-2000) is null and void because upon closer inspection he was carried by all of his opponents.
18. The Divine Intervention Rule AKA “Saw the error of his ways” Law
This rule states that following the period from 2002 to 2004 when HHH put Chris Benoit over in WM XX he came to a divine realization that he was acting like a bad person and thus took part in a six month losing streak.
19. The “Beautiful Day” Rule
This rule states that fans only missed Hunter when he tore his quad because of the video package played prior to his return.
20. The Motorhead Rule
This rule states that the only reason “marks” like Hunter because is ring entrance is legitimately badass.
21. The Un-original Sign Rule
This rule states that whenever indicating “sign of the night”, it must be one of the following:
SPOILER: HHH wins
Triple H fears Divorce
Bret Hart (or insert other Canadian) > Triple H
22. The obligatory unnecessary “holds down” comment
This rule states that whenever commenting about something almost entirely un-related to wrestling, one must mention in a ‘joking’ fashion that HHH is holding down another person.
Example: No point in seeing the movie, we already know how it ends, Hunter pulls out his sledgehammer and pedigrees Wesley Snipes because Hunter would refuse to ‘lay down’ for him. Hardy HAR HAR!!!!
23. The Rule of Intentional Demise
This rule states that if another wrestler OTHER than Hunter CAN NOT get over, it is because Hunter sabotaged him and did not put him over properly.
24. The Rule of Pictorial Insistence
This rule states that if Hunter is in the forefront of a picture or advertisement it is because he personally insisted it so in order to ‘hold down’ others.
Example: Smackdown: Shut Your Mouth! Videogame where Hunter is pointing and Chris Jericho, Angle, Booker and Brock are in the background (clearly a list of those he has ‘buried’)
Example: WM XX ad in which Angle who is also prominently features is behind Hunter’s shoulder
25. The ‘Mute Button’ Rule
This law is another version of the ‘fast forward’ rule.
26. The Rule of Instigation
If any arguments or points of dissension arise between Hunter and someone else, it must be assumed as FACT that a) the rumor is indeed true and b) Hunter started it.
Example: John Cena
Example 2: Pat Patterson
27. The Rule of Dave
This rule states that if a Dave said it, then it must be true.
28. The Rule of never having a good match.
This rule states that Hunter under no circumstances has ever had a good match.
The following is the criteria for a good match:
1.It must involve Chris Benoit (or other internet favorite)
2.It must take place in a foreign country ie Japan, Mexico
3.It must involve an unknown and OBSCURE independent promotion
4.It must take place prior to 1985
5.The match must NOT EVER involve a wrestler with charisma
29. The "Hope" Rule
This rule states that you hope 'X' wrestler from 'X' promotion doesn't work for the WWE one day FOR FEAR that HHH will hold him down.