Headline News
BREAKING NEWS: WWE FIRES GOLDBERG, REPLACES HIM WITH TALKING BLOWUP DOLL
-"We all agreed that it had more talent and could cut a better promo," said Vince McMahon when asked for comment.
CHRIS BENOIT CANONIZED
-Chris Benoit was ordained into sainthood today, despite the fact that he isn't even, as of this writing, dead yet. When asked for comment on this, several wrestling insiders pointed out that this is not strange at all, as Benoit also has yet to retire from pro wrestling but has already been inducted into the illustrious Wrestling Observer Hall of Fame. Go figure.
HEADLINE NEWS: TRIPLE H TORTURES ANIMALS AND EATS HUMAN FLESH
- This report has yet to be confirmed, but wrestling internet reporters insist that they have it on good word from "reliable sources". "I knew there was a reason he
was looking a little thick in the middle," commented the 350-lb owner of 1wrestling.com, Dave Scherer.
ROB VAN DAM DOES INADVERTANT "FROG SPLASH" OFF BROOKLYN BRIDGE, BARELY SURVIVES
-Led away from the scene in handcuffs was none other than WWE legend Shawn Michaels.
Motives are not known at this time, and Michaels' only comments as he was escorted away by police were "Rob fall off bridge, go 'splash'" followed by maniacal laughter.
When asked for comment at the local hospital, Van Dam only murmured, "Dude... guess I better watch what I say on the radio..."
"Rob fall off bridge, go 'splash'."
MASS SUICIDE IN CHICAGO FOLLOWING RECENT JOANIE LAURER CONCERT
-Most recent reports list the death toll well into the thousands. When asked to describe exactly what led to such a shocking wave of suicides in a short period of time, one man who attended the concert was quoted as saying, "It was horrible. It sounded like a goat giving birth while being tortured with a pair of scissors-
and I was sitting in the nosebleed section." Upcoming cities on Laurer's tour list are being placed on a 24-hour suicide watch for a week following the concerts.
TIME WARP DISCOVERED, NAMED "WRESTLEMANIA XX"
-Residents of Montreal have become especially excited about this scientific wonder. "Hopefully we can use this and finally be able to get out of 1997," stated a local Montreal citizen. Wrestling analysts remain sceptical.